How can I make my teenager stay in school?

[GypsyWanderer]

Hi 👋 I’m a long term lurker and I have a problem that’s becoming more a more stressful every day.

Our eldest is 15 (year 10) and I can’t make him stay at school. A bit of background, I’ll try to keep it brief. The first time he left the school grounds was in year 6 of primary school. With friends messing around etc. He had always been great at school so he got into trouble obviously and we put it down to stress at starting high school. He was fine until the end of year 8 at high school where he started being rude to staff and walking out of lessons. Never left the school grounds until last year. He would just walk out when he felt like it. He went back in September and did it again on the first day and has done it at least once a week since.

Sometimes he goes back. Like yesterday he walked out, went to the shops and then went back to school. He either messages me when he leaves or I call him when the school phones me. The reasons he gives range from people saying horrible things to him (his girlfriends friends apparently) or getting into a fight but quite often it’s just that he didn’t enjoy the lesson or doesn’t like the teacher or doesn’t like the seating arrangement etc etc.

I have considered home educating him and that is still on the cards. When the schools were closed he was so much happier but he wouldn’t do any of the work. Nothing at all except play the guitar or piano for hours. That’s what worries me about taking him out of school, his future if he won’t do any school work.

I really want to add that he is a great kid at home. I’m sure that sounds like I’m making excuses for him but I want you to understand the context because he isn’t a trouble maker at home. He has 2 younger brothers and a sister and he’s kind and helpful and isn’t rude or unruly. Is home by 5pm every day and does stuff around the house etc. But I can’t get him to stay at school and I feel like a failure as a mum every time the school calls me to tell me he’s left, like I can’t control him and I feel awful. I’m worried about his future too if he won’t stay in school. I’m just at a loss to know what to do as I can’t physically keep him at school and he doesn’t seem to care about any of it.

Any advice or experience from those who have been through similar would be so helpful thank you.

Really sorry you are going through this op the stress involved is through the roof. Agree with pp that changing schools won't help until you have drilled down as to why this is happening.

"It’s like he’s all for going to school, chats to me in the morning about it and tells he what lessons he has etc. Then something happens and he changes his mind but I’m not there so I don’t know what switches him."

Its hard to know for sure from a distance, but ^^ this and the fact that he sounds like a good lad at home sounds very much like anxiety. Literally flight or flight. It's the flight switch flicking on. Either it's caused by feeling anxious at school in general and the anxiety builds and builds until he can't tolerate it any more. Or it's in response to an undiagnosed SEN where he feels embarrassed and anxious.

I think you and the school need to form a team and work together.
Can you Zoom his head of year? Are there any teachers he likes or subjects he enjoys? Get those teachers on board if possible. Make sure he has one or two "safe" people he can speak to at school and a "safe" place within the school when he gets the urge to bolt. And speaking to a licensed educational psychologist might help. Go private if you can afford it as CAHMS are overstretched.

Even if you can't find a perfect solution and a definite cause isn't find, and even though it is hell for you, do not give up on him. Even when you are about to break yourself and you want to strangle him on a daily basis. He needs to know you have his back. Tell him you love him all the time but you wouldn't be much of a parent if you didn't insist he got an education. And underneath all of his resistance he will know that you are batting for him. Get him talking about his future. Is he good with his hands or sport? Get him to look beyond school and towards his future goals in life.

Step one though, drill down to why this is happening. Take him out for a long drive in the car for an invented errand with the promise of a burger drive through at the end. Let him talk and resist the urge to jump in and interrupt. Good luck.

@Morfin

Don't take away his music, it's not a case of him not realizing his behavior has consequences its that he can't currently regulate his emotions. You wouldn't remove the favourite teddy from a toddler for having a tantrum, and it's much the same. I am working with a similar child atm, we have spoken to college to find out what he needs to get on the course he wants. He needs maths, English and two other subjects. Working with school he has dropped some subjects and now is just working on five gsce. He has to spend his spare periods in the student support center. He also has a red card so can leave the class whenever he wants, he is meant to go to the SSC but sometimes still walks out but it happens less now. Don't worry about being fined, parents who are trying and engaging do not get fined. As much as school stresses you both out take comfort that at home he is happy.

Thank you that’s very reassuring. I have always been really encouraging with any art form which is why I’m reluctant to take away his music. I am also not convinced it would help.

@TrollTheRespawnJeremy

I was this teenager tbh. No amount of discipline will make a difference- they will only resent going even more. Speak to the school about what they can do for him. Is it subjects or teachers he’s not connecting with? I couldn’t get my head around maths until I went to college- school was just teachers who couldn’t tell the difference between me being wilful and me actually not getting it.

It’s either/or really. It is always with academic subjects never with practical ones and some teachers he gets in great with others he doesn’t.

@GypsyWanderer

I get what you’re saying but I’m not too sure I want to ban something like art (his music) as expression helps him as he has anxiety at times. I will give it some thought though thank you.

You are right there, it would be wrong to ban his music.

My son used to skive off from school regularly from age 15, he found it all too boring and constraining. It was difficult until he officially left (though he was never rude or argumentative). He was musical like yours, also very much into computer programming from an early age.

He is now a well respected professional musician and were it not for the pandemic, he would have been all over Europe, America and Canada this year. He and colleagues were sent home from France in February and there have been no gigs (apart from virtual), since. He has, however, been doing a lot of IT work at home, some connected with music.

They get there in the end, op. Encourage your son's talent as much as you can. Good luck to you and him.

@Artforartssake

Really sorry you are going through this op the stress involved is through the roof. Agree with pp that changing schools won't help until you have drilled down as to why this is happening.

"It’s like he’s all for going to school, chats to me in the morning about it and tells he what lessons he has etc. Then something happens and he changes his mind but I’m not there so I don’t know what switches him."

Its hard to know for sure from a distance, but ^^ this and the fact that he sounds like a good lad at home sounds very much like anxiety. Literally flight or flight. It's the flight switch flicking on. Either it's caused by feeling anxious at school in general and the anxiety builds and builds until he can't tolerate it any more. Or it's in response to an undiagnosed SEN where he feels embarrassed and anxious.

I think you and the school need to form a team and work together.
Can you Zoom his head of year? Are there any teachers he likes or subjects he enjoys? Get those teachers on board if possible. Make sure he has one or two "safe" people he can speak to at school and a "safe" place within the school when he gets the urge to bolt. And speaking to a licensed educational psychologist might help. Go private if you can afford it as CAHMS are overstretched.

Even if you can't find a perfect solution and a definite cause isn't find, and even though it is hell for you, do not give up on him. Even when you are about to break yourself and you want to strangle him on a daily basis. He needs to know you have his back. Tell him you love him all the time but you wouldn't be much of a parent if you didn't insist he got an education. And underneath all of his resistance he will know that you are batting for him. Get him talking about his future. Is he good with his hands or sport? Get him to look beyond school and towards his future goals in life.

Step one though, drill down to why this is happening. Take him out for a long drive in the car for an invented errand with the promise of a burger drive through at the end. Let him talk and resist the urge to jump in and interrupt. Good luck.

Thank you, this is all very helpful. I think I’m so reluctant to punish at home because 1) he is very well behaved at home and we are very close and 2) because he gets inclusions and detentions at school I feel if we punish a lot at home too then he will have it from all sides. Whenever he leaves school I am always able to get hold of him. He either comes home or texts me or answers when I call him etc. I don’t want him to stop that because he feels I’m against him. I want him to be able to tell me where he is.

When this behaviour first started he told me and the teachers he found the work hard and that he couldn’t read etc. We weren’t taken seriously and this went on and on with being told by their senco head that there is nothing wrong with him even though he was telling everyone he had problems reading. They weren’t listening and since then he has refused all help. I’ve asked him to speak to pastoral care and spoken to them myself but he doesn’t want help from anybody now.

I will take you up on the suggestion of chatting to him on an errand. I don’t drive but before lock down he always came shopping with me to help and we could chat about things then. I’ll do that again thank you.

@jessstan1 thank you that is encouraging. When he’s at home I feel like everything is going to be okay I just have to trust it. Then I get a phone call from the school and it’s a different matter he has so much potential it’s frustrating sometimes.

Hang on in there Op
I know it’s bloody difficult for you, but you are doing a sterling job trying to support your son.

I read your post and your ds reminds me a bit of my ds. I'm not trying to say your ds definitely has Aspergers, but it might be worth trying to get him assessed again. My ds is 14 and was diagnosed 2 year ago, when, after starting secondary school, his behaviour just spiralled. He was skipping lessons, being rude to teachers and refusing to work. The SEN teacher then flagged up the fact he might have autistic traits. I had never even considered this. I did think, perhaps he had ADHD. But turns out, it was Aspergers.

My ds doesn't respond to punishment or rewards, if anything, they make him worse. He's absconded from school (jumped gate) on occasions, this is because he gets overwhelmed, won't work well under own steam, but was happier during lockdown as doesn't mind his own company/interests, doesn't like change or his routine being disrupted, gets sensory overload in new places, when there's too many people, has no filter (if he doesn't like something or want to do something, just makes it known). He still has issues, going back after lockdown has definitely made him worse, but now I know what affects him and why he does it, makes it a bit easier to deal with.

I think you need to have a serious meeting with the school about this. I'm a teacher and a few things spring to mind:

• an exit card. Doesn't need to speak, just stands up and leaves, showing his card to the teacher. Goes to a designated area where he can calm down/cool off. Works really well for a lot of pupils. I liaise with the member of staff who oversees the use of these cards at my school and will email over any work they've missed and she's great at getting them to catch up.
• a class/set move. Kids being horrible? Potential bullying? It may be worth seeing if he can switch to a different set/class/however it works at his school to see if he finds a more comfortable dynamic. Equally, what are the problems with the seating plans? Are there particular people he just shouldn't be sitting near? Talk about it with him and email teachers asking if they could take his requests into consideration.

-differentiation. He struggles with reading so try to find out what will help. Perhaps he could be offered some intervention lessons, if you can afford a tutor that may help - just some 1:1 time where he can explore where this difficulty comes from and maybe then strategies can be found to support him. -is there a mentoring system at his school? We have sixth formers who participate in a mentoring scheme to help support pupils in younger years. Also his form tutor should be offering some pastoral support - is he ever able to discuss things with him/her?

• can you come up with something to help him when he gets the urge to leave? Write something down (maybe a list of calming strategies such as deep breaths or a reminder of all the reasons why he should stay rather than walk out) or can he ask to ring you from the school office? Again, this could be a set strategy agreed with by the school. If you can find a way to help him to pause and think, perhaps you could prevent him leaving the building and re-direct him back to class.

Schools can't physically prevent pupils walking out but they can and should be offering extra support to help pupils stay on-site when they are struggling.

@AlphaJura thank you I will look more into aspergers. I did think about that before but the school kept saying he was fine and after a while I stopped questioning it. It can’t hurt to look again though.

@FreeAcorns thank you that’s very helpful.

He did have an exit card last year which helped but then they took it away and he never got it back. I had to fight hard to get that for him and now he refuses to ask for it back as he says they won’t listen.

He has been moved around a lot over the last year or more. He has been removed from languages completely (in year 9) for being disruptive and was removed out of maths for a large part of last year but now he doesn’t mind maths because he likes the way the rooms are arranged. In fact he says the seating arrangements are the best they have ever been. But I can bring this up with whichever I teacher I talk to next!

I have asked for him to have help reading but I’ve been told more than once his reading is okay. I had to go private for a dyslexia test and that’s when they gave him an overlay but they’ve took it away as they have his exit card. I will try and find out what happened to it.

They do have a mentoring system and pastoral support but I’m finding it all difficult to navigate. For example, he has told me he doesn’t want to talk to anyone and I can’t get ahold of the teachers when I need to. The only person I’ve spoken to him in the last 3 weeks about him leaving school is the receptionist!

@GypsyWanderer I think you need to arrange a meeting with the HoY and SENCO (and possibly form tutor). Prior to this meeting, I'd ask the HoY to collect feedback from your DS' teachers, specifically those whose lessons your son leaves. Have they spotted any triggers or patterns to it - particular time of day/week, task type etc. Also any general feedback on how your son is behaving and where his current attainment levels are. Go with a list of points you want to make and be very clear about what you want from the school e.g. the exit card reinstated, a mentor set up for your DS (even if he doesn't go/talk much, at least offer the opportunity), clear and consistent sanctions/consequences (ask if there is anything you could do at home to support this e.g. catching up with work) etc. Basically you need a plan of action that both you and the school are consistently implementing with regards to this issue. Obviously if your DS is reluctant to talk about/ explore these issues then that does present a challenge but I don't think that should mean he just isn't offered any support! Will he talk to you/a relative or friend who could feed back to you? If he's been passed from pillar to post and you feel that the school are not offering enough support then perhaps the time has come to explore different schools too. But I'd definitely get a meeting set up before making that move to see what his current school say/can do.

@FreeAcorns thank you I’ll start making a list of a few things and try and talk to a teacher. Since being back I’ve had more communication from the receptionist than anyone else. I can call and leave a message with the year head though.

Thank you again for all your help x

Thanks everyone for your help and reassurance. I do feel better and have a lot to think about and at least feel a bit more in control of the situation now.

I was this teenager, too. If I felt bored or stressed in any way, I just walked out of school. I was a nightmare for the school and my mum! I was bright and not rude or u pleasant, but I just couldn’t deal with the feeling of being ‘trapped’ at school, and I was very restless and irritable in that environment.

I found university better, for what it’s worth. Less restrictive and I felt like I had more agency.

Later in life, I did it the walking out thing with jobs, too. I’d be getting on well and then something would piss me off and I’d just hand in my notice rather than stay and deal with it.

I’ve come to the conclusion as an adult that I have ADHD. I’m going through the diagnosis process currently. It’s not an excuse for all the walk-outs and bridge burning, but it explains a lot....

Oh - please don’t take away his music.

His behaviour is unhelpful - but clearly it’s based in stress. He sounds like a kid who’s doing his best in an environment that’s a bad fit. l

I've got a DS in year 9 who's suspected ASD (SN register since y2 for anxiety - they suspected ASD but couldn't diagnose that). He would occassionally run out of lessons at primary, thankfully always stayed on school grounds. Currently at secondary he misses PE, RE and engineering but stays on school grounds - he is marked unauthorised absence still so attendance at 80%. It's always been practical subjects with him mostly and he's fine in english, maths, science, humanities except re and does very well so not got the academic worry.

He's responded to reward points for being in class, got him back into French and says he prefers strict teachers who keep class quiet. He's needed a TA in the past and desk outside in the corridor. School are currently adding a sensory room and hope that will help. I've also gone through importance of GCSEs and grades and linked to earnings potential which seemed to help. I've told him its important to do well so you can go into management and set the rules rather than have to follow other peoples rules. Last 2 years they marked him in lessons when he wasn't, not sure if we will get threat of fines but our DS is in school and I'm sending ideas through. It's hard and you have my sympathy. We find no response to consequences, just makes worse as he hides under a blanket, won't speak, eat or drink for whole day.

The school haven't communicated with you why they have taken away the tools that were helping him (exit card and reading overlay)? That really is a conversation that needs to happen, there could be a good reason but just doing it without explaining and finding an alternative strategy isn't right.

How confident do you feel writing a letter to the school outlining the things you have posted here and asking for a meeting/virtual meeting or at least a phone call?

@MonkeyDance thank you for this. I have wondered if he has ADHD traits as he is often impulsive. For example, the other week he pulled himself over a high fence (not to get to somewhere, just to do it if you see what I mean) and injured his back for two weeks! He’s always been like that but no really obvious traits.

I do worry he will be like this in college or uni or work because he will walk out if he decides he just doesn’t like something.

@CoronaCustard I won’t take his music away. He is completely self taught and I do see it as a way to help him through emotions as he gets stressed and anxious but he hides it behind this calm, cool ‘whatever’ kind of attitude.

@KoalaRabbit thank you. That does sound similar to what I’m going through. The first time he walked out of school when in year 6 was the first time he had ever done anything like that. He had always been well behaved before and I wondered then about it being stress of starting school (it happened in July, the last couple of weeks of primary) and if it was maybe that’s the trigger for why he walks out now.

@OddBoots no they haven’t. I asked him to ask them but he says he doesn’t want the help now. I feel much better asking in writing as can communicate much better that way so maybe I’ll do that first and see how it goes.

I've been in the same situ and it's so stressful, sorry you are going through this. In the end my DS was permanently excluded in year 10 (for something specific that happened) and he went to a PRU who got him into an FE college where he did much better, got a handful of GCSEs and went on to A levels and uni. He now studies/works as an academic. Looking back I so wish I'd moved him earlier, to reduce stress all round. He hated school with a passion, there was something about the way he felt he was treated that was a really bad fit for him. Hes not lacking in ability or drive, but he had done 10 years in a school environment and that was enough. My advice would be to look for an FE college or somewhere that treats him more like an adult, and see if that improves things.

@Ilovemygtech thank you I’m definitely going to look into other options. My DS too always feels he is being treated unfairly. In fact, almost each time he got into trouble last year it was because he felt like the rules weren’t fair and argued with the teacher about it and then got sent out then refused etc and it spiralled. That was happening at least once a week at one point. He is incredibly hung up on justice and if he feels there has been an injustice he will say so and that’s something I have always admired in him and it will be a great quality as an adult obviously but at school it gets him into trouble. I’ve been stuck between encouraging him to stand up for what is right and telling him not to argue!