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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How much do you take before you just leave them to it?

47 replies

KinseyWinsey · 10/10/2020 12:51

Ds1 is 15.

Always been angry and raging since he was 2. He's had therapy and is slightly less angry now.

He does nothing but stay in his room. Trains with weights, obsesses over food to gain muscle mass.

Refuses to do any extra curricular activities.

Even refuses to choose a pair of boots for winter.

Refuses to eat with us as a family. On the rare occasion his breakfast happens to coincide with our lunchtime, he is surly, rude and hostile.

I simply cannot be bothered anymore.

He's becoming this one dimensional person and no matter what I suggest like sports or activities, the answer is always no.

He is also brilliant at reinventing the past. I know in 10 years he will blame me for his lack of skills and hobbies other than gaming.

Can I leave him in his bedroom, hope he studies for his GCSEs and then A levels and then he can bugger off to university and sit in a room in halls and game all day there instead?

It really gets me down.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 10/10/2020 12:53

Why is he angry?

KinseyWinsey · 10/10/2020 13:00

Dunno. That's between him and his therapist. He won't talk to us about it.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 10/10/2020 13:04

But if he's been angry since he was 2, surely something must have happened. Is he the eldest?

KinseyWinsey · 10/10/2020 13:33

Yes he's the eldest.

Believe me, we have tried everything. He would just kick off about putting shoes on, going to school, going to sports, going to the supermarket.

All his life.

GP didn't believe me either. Then I changed GP.

He's been to CAMHS, private therapists.

He says now he doesn't have a clue what he was angry about all those years.

Now he's just pissed off because of exams, study, no money etc.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 10/10/2020 13:34

Did it coincide with the new baby by any chance?

KinseyWinsey · 10/10/2020 14:46

Slightly before.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 10/10/2020 14:49

Sorry - baby is now napping and i can respond properly.

I said that about a sibling, because your post sounds very, very similar to a situation in my own family. A previously placid child suddenly exhibited a huge amount of rage when a new sibling arrived, which lasted for the next decade and a half. SO MUCH family therapy later they got to the bottom of it.

Basically, when a child is that small, and they feel sad or scared or frustrated or out of control, the easiest way for them to express it is anger. These feelings are all very, very common when a new baby arrives, especially if the child feels a little pushed out, all of which is really normal. Though the toddler may act angry, the root cause of the behaviour isn't rage, it's sadness, or fear of abandonment. Unfortunately, the rage behaviours lead to punishment, not love, which sets off a vicious cycle.

The kid is so small they're probably never aware of the feelings behind their behaviour, and although they grow up and love and get used to their sibling, the angry behaviour remains, but now they have no idea why it's happening. This behaviour frustrates and upsets the parents, making the child feel like they're not loved, which makes the anger worse, and it goes on and on.

The only way to break the cycle is with communication and so, so, so much love. Ridiculous amounts of love. Texts, notes in his room, reminiscing about his baby days, praise praise praise even for daft things, talking about what he wants to talk about. Basically just love him as much as you can. He desperately needs it.

If you give up on him now, his mother, who is supposed to love him above anyone else, how is he ever going to believe he's worthy of love from anyone else? Stop calling it anger. It's hurt, left so long its gone rock hard. You mustn't give up.

QualityFeet · 10/10/2020 14:54

I agree with the love thing but it’s also so often high functioning autism/Aspergers/ADHD/Sensory issues etc

Great that he is training - that is extra curricular surely? Keep trying to engage him. Watch a body building video together, keep trying to get him to eat with you. Bake some protein cookies and try and involve him. Don’t let him keep the control keep pushing back with humour and affection.

Ohalrightthen · 10/10/2020 14:55

@QualityFeet

I agree with the love thing but it’s also so often high functioning autism/Aspergers/ADHD/Sensory issues etc

Great that he is training - that is extra curricular surely? Keep trying to engage him. Watch a body building video together, keep trying to get him to eat with you. Bake some protein cookies and try and involve him. Don’t let him keep the control keep pushing back with humour and affection.

Completely agree with this too
QualityFeet · 10/10/2020 15:00

And that it all goes together as any of the above plus a new baby = a bigger response.

It is positive that he is less angry - once you ah e peaked you are on the path to somewhere better.

KinseyWinsey · 10/10/2020 15:00

@ohalrightalrighthen, thank you.

Your post choked me up.

OP posts:
KinseyWinsey · 10/10/2020 15:00

He still hates his sister.

OP posts:
steppemum · 10/10/2020 15:07

I have teenagers. They have not been as angry as your ds, but the teen years can be pretty thankless.
My youngest is 13, and for the last few weeks everything that comes out of her mouth is grumpy/angry/anti parent/stroppy.
because she is no. 3, we are pretty philosophical.

They need you to hold the line, be calm and love, love, love.

I used to make bacon sandwiches for ds at the weekend, as it got a grudging - Thanks Mum - which was the only positive interaction I ever got from him.

Keep throwing loving bits in his direction and just ignore the negative ones you get back. It does get better I promise.

Ohalrightthen · 10/10/2020 15:08

[quote KinseyWinsey]@ohalrightalrighthen, thank you.

Your post choked me up. [/quote]
Oh, love, I'm sorry. It's the hardest thing in the world, i am giving you the biggest hug.

He's throwing all of his hurt at you as rage, and it's designed to alienate you, to make you angry and hurt too, and it is absolutely OK that you feel like you want to give up. You just need to dig right down and find that strength you had when he was 2 weeks old and didn't sleep and you thought maybe you'd made a huge mistake and wanted to give him back (no I'm not projecting, who me?!?) and you carried on anyway and loved him anyway and you need to find that strength again. This is the same thing, just dressed up differently.

You can do this. Loving him is in your bones, even if you feel so far away from it. Pick a quiet moment, go to his room and tell him that you love him. Tell him you know things haven't been great for a while, but that you need him to know that you have loved him since before he was born, and that you'll love him forever. He won't know how to respond, he may well be really shitty and rude. Just let it roll off you, say "i just wanted to remind you" and then give him some space.

This is probably the hardest it will ever be, but you're both going to be OK, because you're his mum, and you love him, and that's all he needs.

KinseyWinsey · 10/10/2020 15:13

And he seems to tick all the boxes for ODD but we've never really sought diagnosis of anything.

He's really bright but quite cocky so doesn't think he needs to work that hard.

He seems to despise us. And rejects us.

I will keep trying.

OP posts:
steppemum · 10/10/2020 15:14

Ohalrightthen

such lovely posts.
I tell my kids I love them as I drop them off at station for school. Sometimes they slam the door on me as I say it, but they hear it!

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 10/10/2020 15:25

Hi OP nothing useful to add, we're experiencing some of what you describe with DD 12 so I just wanted to say thanks for posting. Apparently - so everyone tells me - it's all natural and an age thing but Jesus, it stings how much venom and hate her words have at times.

Sending you hugs Thanks

ohallright wow your advice is so beautifully written, I'm going to try hard to reframe it as you suggest, thank you x

steppemum · 10/10/2020 15:29

I want to encourage you all.

ds is now nearly 18. In the last year he has grown up beyond recognition.

And a couple of weeks ago, he told me that he thought we were 'alright' parents! He even said that when he was 12 what he thought he wanted was an x-box in his bedroom (and believe me he campaigned for that long and hard and angrily for months) But now he realised that what he needed was parenting, and he was pleased that we had done that to him.

They do come good!

MrsStarwars · 10/10/2020 16:13

Excellent advice here. I have a 15 year old and 12 year old twins.
The 15 year old has been angry and rejecting of the rest of the family for years. We have tried to show him patience, understanding and ultimately unconditional love. It is tough going. However I think we are getting glimpses of the lovely young man he is turning into.
On the flip side, the twins are heading into puberty and I foresee a rocky few years ahead with them!

hububalub · 10/10/2020 16:39

Our eldest (now 18) was very similar and has never got on with his younger brother. The anger has gradually subsided to indifference but i remember really struggling and feeling the same as you at various times over the years. It was advice from mumsnet that helped me and i started to say 'i love you' when i went in his room to say goodnight. it felt silly as he never replied but i'm glad i did it now as it became a routine and i think it also helped my mental health as I felt i was doing something (even if small). he is not angry any more and has grown in self confidence (I think, looking back his confidence was rock bottom). He still doesn't talk to us much but at least the anger has subsided and he knows he is loved. good luck and thanks to those mumsnetters that helped with that advice all those years ago, you will never know how much that helped me. thank you

steppemum · 10/10/2020 17:56

this thread is so close to my heart, I thought I'd share another story.

I have friends who are about 10 years older than me and had their kids a bit youngerthey than me, so they were teens before I had kids.
They had a lovely model daughter, kind, loving, successful.
And a son who was awful. Just awful. He rebelled at every stage and put his parents through hell.
At the time I was really struck by how his Dad never apologised for him, he always spoke well of him in public (even though in private he was at his wits end) and he told his son often and visibly, I love you, I am proud to be your dad, etc etc. I thought he was a bit mad to be honest.

At age 30, the son completely turned his life around. And he said how important thise words of his dad's were, and how much they sustained him through the crappy times.
His dad died about a year later, and I remember having a long talk to his dd who said it was one of her earliest and clearest memories of her dad, him telling them he loved them and how lucky he was to have them, and how massively important that had been all through her life and her brother's.

It was that that made start to do something similar. I tell them I love them, and when they have been awful, or we have had a row, if they won't let me 'make up' with them, I will still say to them - I know you are angry with us, but I want you to know that we love you, and will always love you, even when we argue.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 10/10/2020 18:16

Hub what you said about love bombing helping your own mental health ... I think that's really true. I've realised in the last few months that DD has learned frighteningly quickly which of my buttons to press and when. I'm ashamed to say I've often reacted rather than walked away then felt completely shit after.

Choosing instead to ignore her hurtful outbursts and telling her I still love her (not condoning the behaviour obvs) actually sets a great example and is a great affirmation for me personally. Because I'll be honest, there are flashes of time in the heat of the moment when it's so bloody hard to love them .

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 10/10/2020 18:19

step that's so lovely Flowers

Threads like this are what MN is for.

Xxxx

KinseyWinsey · 10/10/2020 18:22

Thank you very much for all the wonderful input on this thread.

OP posts:
MrsStarwars · 10/10/2020 18:25

Thank you from me too.
Great advice and wisdom to help us carry on.

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