How much do you take before you just leave them to it?

[KinseyWinsey]

Ds1 is 15.

Always been angry and raging since he was 2. He's had therapy and is slightly less angry now.

He does nothing but stay in his room. Trains with weights, obsesses over food to gain muscle mass.

Refuses to do any extra curricular activities.

Even refuses to choose a pair of boots for winter.

Refuses to eat with us as a family. On the rare occasion his breakfast happens to coincide with our lunchtime, he is surly, rude and hostile.

I simply cannot be bothered anymore.

He's becoming this one dimensional person and no matter what I suggest like sports or activities, the answer is always no.

He is also brilliant at reinventing the past. I know in 10 years he will blame me for his lack of skills and hobbies other than gaming.

Can I leave him in his bedroom, hope he studies for his GCSEs and then A levels and then he can bugger off to university and sit in a room in halls and game all day there instead?

It really gets me down.

Caveating this by saying I don’t have a teen- but I do have a brother who was exactly like this. I can see now that my parents were brilliant- held the line with robust boundaries, rarely reacted with emotion or anger, took each day as it came. He is just about out of it now, aged 30. I hope that I could handle it as well as my Mum and Dad!

I will say that I have been shocked by my own resentment towards my brother for everything that happened- I am working on trying to have a decent ‘friendship’ with him now for the first time in my life. But I am struggling to forget because it really did dominate all our lives. My parents have been brilliant at leaving it all in the past- unconditional love, endless hope, etc.

God, when my kids are teenagers I hope I can be half the parent you lot are. Some heartwarming stories, even if they do put you through hell to get there.

These stories are lovely, thank you.

I read that he is training hard. Are there any complications from steroids to help with the body building, which can fuel anger ?

@Ohalrightthen
I've screenshotted your post as it's so relevant to me too.
Thank you x

patchwork my brother's behaviour dominated all our lives too. He got into recreational drugs and once was violent towards my DF. I also got the brunt of their frustration because I never answered back or caused any trouble.
Our parents died young and he's my only sibling but I cannot forgive or forget. He lives an hour away and has a child but I don't feel his past behaviour should be rewarded with a sibling relationship and haven't spoken to him in nearly two years.
Quite sad really.
OP? Is his DF around? He didn't grow up hearing preferential comments about a little girl from other people when his sister was born did he? I've seen that happen before.

I’ve got a 14 year old boy. He’s not particularly a problem (although he did have a tricky year 9) but I just wanted to back up what’s been said about the weight training. And the gaming actually.

They’re both valid interests, even if they don’t interest you. My ds is into both and we’ve tried to show lots of interest. I talk to him about games - different genres, what makes a good game, who he plays with, are they co-operative games or individual etc, how the scoring works. I’ve talked about gaming with him quite a lot in the car!

We’ve also supported the working out, bought him a pull up bar and punch bag, and various protein shakes/bars etc. I make him a protein rich breakfast every morning!

I think you have to try to meet him where he’s at and encourage him as a person. He may feel you think he’s useless, a waste of space. Actually, he’s showing a lot of resilience and determination to get fit/bulk up, which is something to admire and praise.

I’ve not got any experience with the bigger issues your ds has but I hope this helps in a small way.

@Ohalrightthen wonderful post. @KinseyWinsey you are not alone. It’s so hard.

We've bought him the weights he wanted.

I cook him porridge and a five egg omelette every morning.

I make him brown rice and chicken every day for lunch. Tried to vary this but he won't have variety.

We're making protein cookies tomorrow

@cptartapp sorry you had a similar experience 😔

My brother was never physically violent, thankfully- but was otherwise awful. Just didn’t care. I think I always felt a bit resentful as the ‘good’ one- classic example was my Mum’s birthday a few years ago. My Dad was working so I took her shopping for the day, lovely lunch, present etc. Halfway through lunch her face lit up because my brother had condescended to text her happy birthday- no card, nothing. That text made her happier than I had in the whole sodding day, because she expected me to be kind to her, but it was a surprise to get any kind of gesture from him.

I can see that he is trying now- really trying. And my DC adores him. So I’m trying a bit of a ‘fake it til I make it’ approach at the moment, in hopes that I’ll eventually feel a bit warmer towards him. I feel like an awful person at the moment to be honest!

Patchwork, why should you feel awful? You've every right to be pissed off. He's an adult and still behaved badly.

Hi I’ve been reading through this thread as I am struggling with my son who is 15. When he was 12 he was caught at school with some drugs and had to move schools. Since then he’s lunged from one problem to another, smoking, ignoring curfew, cheeky, disrespectful tells lies all the time, , calls from school to say he’s been in trouble or is messing on. The worst thing is that he has started to self harm, and says he feels sad a lot of the time but doesn’t know why. I think some of the friends he’s made at the new school are a bit rough around the edges.
I struggle with depression and anxiety myself and can’t bare to think of him going through that. I adore him and tell him I love him all the time and try to talk to him about how he feels but he’s so closed. He is absolutely breaking my heart and my spit oat the moment and not sure what to do next. He’s an only child.

Bathbomblady
Do you think he would talk to someone else?
My dd is now seeing a counsellor once a week. It is helping her to have a safe place to let some of her thoughts out, where she can't with us as we are parents.

It isn't cheap though.

I'm not in this situation so I'm probably talking out of my arse, but the theory that no matter what someone does or says you to you, you must love, love, love them back sounds like a recipe for abusive relationships.
I know it's different if it's a son or daughter. Sorry, I'm not articulating this very well. I really don't want to offend.

Bath you poor luv that sounds so hard. Sending you

@awstree

I'm not in this situation so I'm probably talking out of my arse, but the theory that no matter what someone does or says you to you, you must love, love, love them back sounds like a recipe for abusive relationships. I know it's different if it's a son or daughter. Sorry, I'm not articulating this very well. I really don't want to offend.

I totally understand what you are saying.

But with teenagers, it really is different.
It also doesn't mean that you don't deal with behaviour, but you do see a lot of behaviour through a different lens.

many posters have commented on how they or parents maintained firm boundaries while showing unconditional love, you do need both.

So, consequences are still there, there is still an expectation that they don't tramples all over parents etc, but you pick your battles, and let a lot of things wash by, and tell them you love them even when they are being a pain in the arse, and no, you won't pick them up from a party 1 hours drive away at 1am, and yes, you do have to get out of bed and get in to school.

@awstree

I'm not in this situation so I'm probably talking out of my arse, but the theory that no matter what someone does or says you to you, you must love, love, love them back sounds like a recipe for abusive relationships. I know it's different if it's a son or daughter. Sorry, I'm not articulating this very well. I really don't want to offend.

I said love them, not accept the behaviour.

Your children do not choose to be in a relationship with you, they didn't get a say in it, and they are unable to leave. Bad behaviour like that from a child is nearly always a cry for help, and when you as a parent give up on your child, you're not just denying them help they desperately need, you're telling them they're not worthy of love.

No one is saying parents of teens like this should put up with bad behaviour. They're just reminding them that their teen needs them to love them through it.

It's not like a romantic relationship, or even a friendship. You don't get to bail when it gets tough, because you chose to have a child and to raise a child, and that child didn't get a say in the matter.

I would question whether you really thought that comment through, to be honest. Do you really think it would be acceptable to deny your child love if they were having a really difficult time and reacting badly?

So hard to get the balance right- love them and pull them up! Thanks for this reminder.

And he seems to tick all the boxes for ODD but we've never really sought diagnosis of anything.

Young people who have undiagnosed ASD often present as oppositional and demand avoidant.

Read around ASD and Aspergers some more. Understanding the reasons behind his behaviour could be life changing for you both.

I hope the cookies go well. If they don't, that may be due to anxiety triggered by change. Try not to take it personally.

I have a 15 year old son what has gone to live with a friend and his family. I have give up. I have tried for years to keep this family together and some friends parents what like the teenagers hanging around there house say stop with us and get drunk and he says yes.
Hes made up lies to the social services told me he would get my other children told off me and made me a nervous rec over the years. He has been under camhs and other services and they all say he knows what he's doing and knows how to deal with people. He was kicked out of secondary school for a knife crime. Hes now in a pru but he doesnt act the same way there because he knows that the kids there won't stand for it.
He lives not far from me and ignores the whole family admittedly he thinks he has mental health problems and I don't know.
He is planning a baby with his girlfriend because for some reason it would be a good idea at 15.

I begged him to come home when he first left but he would expect no house rules and I believe kids need rules and routines.
I have told the social services that if he doesn't come home before he's 16 then I won't be taking back after then.
On the up side I have not had the police knocking other parents coming threatening for a few weeks and no violence in the house at all. My other children think that he's always had all the attention because of the stuff he does and it's a different house now.
I want a relationship with him but while he's there I can't trush him and think they are putting things in his head.

Sal

Oh Sal, I am so sorry.
What a nightmare for you.

I think that for some kids the only way forward is for them to leave home, both for them selves and for the sanity of the kids and parents left behind. There is a breaking point.

I just want to reassure you. 15 is a very different place to 18 or 25. As a good friend said to me when I was despairing over something my ds had done - the story's not over yet. You haven't seen the end yet.
Anything can happen still.
Don;t give up on him, but don't feel bad about having to protect your other kids too.

Thank you for replying it's a awkward situation and I don't know what will happen. The social worker told me to leave him to it and get on with my other kids that was before he started ignoring us. His plan was to go into a homeless place for 16 year old when he turned 16 he told the social worker and she's told him that it won't happen. He texted on Monday asking if his school shoe where still at home. I haven't got them now and replied saying that I haven't but didn't get any message back. I thought he must still class here as being home but doesn't want to come home.
I suppose I will just have to leave him to it for now the social worker thinks he's safe where he is.

Sal

Some absolutely lovely posts here.

My son was tricky from about 14.

He is 20 now. It was bloody hard for a while and he had some other stuff going on that explains a few things but we managed to salvage our relationship.

He will never be "easy" like my other dc but he is much, much better.