Son wants to drop out of Uni after one week

[halfthesun]

Need some advice. Son is 18 and in first year at Uni and living at home. He did want to travel but corona put a stop to this, so decided on Uni instead.

Says he rushed into Uni. Only had one week of remote learning and wants to quit. He has no plan B and he says I don't understand ... I'm trying. Anyone have words of wisdom? His 3 closest mates aren't at Uni and drifting ... he was out with them last night. TIA

What would he do instead?

Personally, if possible financially, I would avoid starting uni this year at all cost. They are getting all the hard work without any of the social fun! I LOVED uni; new friends, flat mates, freshers week; nights out, sports clubs, it’s not the same at the moment. I understand why he wants to stop. But he does need a different plan.

Agree that he needs a plan B. Perhaps remind him that jobs are very scarce at the moment. Unless he wants to work for Amazon, of course. Many young people are chasing very few positions.

Please ask him to talk to his uni careers service. Most are working remotely and will give him impartial careers guidance. He needs a really clear plan if he's going to drop out and to discuss all his options.

Oh that's difficult. My DD had a rough time at uni in her first term (last year) and I did all in my power to encourage her to stay. I went up to stay and took her out for meals and to comedy and got her to stay with me in a hotel. I pointed out that she didn't have a plan B, that she would be lonely at home and would need to get a job, that starting again a year later would be just as tough again. I argued that she needed to give it time and that you can't make big decisions after only a matter of weeks. I encouraged her to branch out and make more friends on her course and to visit friends at other unis or have them come to stay with her. I explained that she would still have some debt for the year if she left. I also suggested that she would feel awful at Christmas when all her friends came back from uni if she'd left without giving it a chance - (I know she would have felt a failure - though I didn't say that).

Clearly those options were different from your situation. My DD had no friends left at home, they had all gone to uni and there was no covid so she had scope to mix with other people who were not her housemates. Whilst I understand that students are rightfully questioning the value of university with virtual teaching and restricted social ives - there's not much of a compelling alternative in staying home. Just like extending lockdown and a sense of futility. Whilst university is a more limited offer it still provides some structure and purpose.

I do think its valid to say that he needs to give it more time and that if he wants to leave he will need to have a plan B and try to get a job. Do you have anyone else who can reinforce the messages?

Thank you for responses. He said he would read books and exercise more ... all of which he can do and still go to Uni. less than 12 hours a week!

Explained if he passes his first year then he has options. He is making it clear that I don't understand.

I'm divorced from his father. He is staying with him tomorrow night, thankfully he agrees with me ... that our son needs to give it a shot BUT when they are 18 what can you do ????

Can you encourage him to stick it out until Xmas - and then use the Xmas break as a chance to reflect?

Unfortunately there is not much that you can do when they are eighteen.
His friends are not in uni, they are going to be bumming around doing what they like (obviously within Covid regulations).
There are no going to be few social opportunities at uni, everyone will be stressed and so of course it is going to be shit.
But
You and ex need to impress upon him that he needs to give it a go. In three months time (Christmas he may feel differently.) if he doesn't then hopefully you can sit down as a family and decide what's best.
He needs to know that you love him and you you will support his decisions even if you don't agree with them. However, if he intends to live with you or ex he has to get a job. One that he is going to stick with. He needs to be contributing to the food, bills, something towards the rent. He wants to make grown up decisions let him. Grown ups have rules and can't live for free.
Agree with ex that you won't be subsidising his life choices, lending him money anything he wants/needs he pays for.
Try and get him to talk through his options with uni and see if he could defer.
He worked hard for this place it would be a great shame for him to throw it away. Good luck 🍷

Is it early enough in the term that he can drop out without being charged?

If it’s online from home it’s not homesickness / loneliness causing this. A week in he should still be excited / enthusiastic about the course material. If he’s not, then he’s probably right that he rushed into it and has possibly picked the wrong subject.

If he’s no passionate about his subject and he hasn’t yet been charged, dropping out and spending the year deciding on what he does want to study might be the best course of action.

By the way, my DD stayed at uni and now is very happy to be back for her second year seeing all her friends. She said she knew she didn't really want to come home and get a job but she needed to express how she felt, her fears and woes. She needed support to keep going.

It was always her choice she just had to dig deep to get through it and she feels more resilient now that she knows she persevered. It gave her a different perspective living in a different city and much more independence than being at home and she's really enjoyed that.

My son has been exactly the same. Said he has made a mistake and now isn't keen on the course! I explained he would have to get a job or find an apprenticeship and pay board. I've been asking him for the past year if he was sure about his course choice and he always said it was the only thing he wanted to do! I think he's just feeling down because of covid restrictions and not being able to travel to see his girlfriend or us. At the end of the day it is his decision but I just think he needs to be a bit more resilient and the only way that can happen is to stick it out. However if he really doesn't want to be there I'd rather he came home than get totally depressed - life is too short and he can always go to Uni again when he's older. I would check out on the loan situation too. Good luck!

I lasted 2 weeks uni and dropped out. There were no financial penalties as I wasn't there very long. I came home, worked for a year and applied to start a different course the year after and graduated with a 2:1.

So it worked out fine for me but I went when Uni was cheaper and there was no shortage of jobs. He's making the decision in a very different context.

Plan B can't be reading books - that's not a solid life plan!

The only way to learn that you can survive uncomfortable situations and that the unsettling emotions caused by a major life change fade away is to actually stay in the situation long enough to experience adjusting! If you always bail at the first discomfort you never learn it's temporary and survivable.

You can't force him to stay, but you can and should support and teach him to cope. Enabling him to bail isn't helping him.

A week! Come on. Is he going to bail from every job because the first week is new and uncomfortable? Sticking it out for long enough to establish whether it's the adjustment period discomfort or genuinely a rubbish situation is a life skill he needs to learn.

I don't blame him. I wouldn't have encouraged any 18yo to start uni this year.

I'm a great believer in apprenticeships. Paid to learn, and lead on to a job with no debt to repay. I'd encourage him to go down that route.

I don't blame him. One day of remote learning (I'm mid-course hence sticking it out - I've had too good marks to throw it away) and I'm having serious thoughts about dropping out for a year (department have told me they'd support me if I chose to do that)! It has been SHIT... the IT infrastructure has been creaking at the seams all day and most of us have spent more time logging back into the sessions than actually IN them.

Reading and excercise are not going to cut it to keep him fed and watered.
My son's all had to pay digs if they weren't in full time education. So they needed a job. I don't work to allow them to read and excercise.
If he was mine he would need a job before he jacked in uni cos he would have bills to pay.

My 18yo started university in September and was very miserable the first two weeks during orientation and initial remote tutorials/classes. She had several video chats with the well-being people talking about feeling overwhelmed living in a different country, isolated, feeling like she’s living in a prison cell (she’s in a residence hall for post grads despite being a first year).
I told her to give it a bit of time and try and reach out to the people in her bubble. She also went on student room and called me saying she’d found an article written by a student who’d said that the first weeks of university are the worst ones and it gets better.
Because her bubble had only two other people, well being decided to combine her bubble with another small bubble. So she met two more people and actually started to hang out/be friends with them.
She is now much happier and no longer calling me ten times a day and peppering me with text messages of woe.

Well I have a lot of sympathy for him. This year is not a journal year for freshers. Would he have lived at home while attending uni after his gap year? Either way, I think you need to make it clear that ‘doing nothing’ is not an option. Either he chucks it in and gets a job, or he sticks with it.

My son is on a very practical course so not best to do online. His uni agreed to let him defer his place till next year when hopefully things will be better. In meantime he is doing voluntary work in job similar to his course and is looking for any paid work for experience, money and to put on his CV

Financially he may be better off if he drops out now, and he can reapply next year? It is a shot year to be at uni tbh.

@OverTheRainbow88

What would he do instead?

Personally, if possible financially, I would avoid starting uni this year at all cost. They are getting all the hard work without any of the social fun! I LOVED uni; new friends, flat mates, freshers week; nights out, sports clubs, it’s not the same at the moment. I understand why he wants to stop. But he does need a different plan.

This isn't really true. There's new friends, flat mates and nights out. Also learning to live away from home, getting stuck into their chosen subject etc etc.

Plus there isn't really much in the way of plan Bs at the moment.

I think OPs ds has missed one of the big plusses of going to uni by staying at home. Maybe ask if that would work for him.
However, if he only chose the course last minute and his heart isn't in it then there's not a lot of point continuing.
I'd ask him to stick it out until he has his worthwhile plan B in place.

He should atleast finish the first year, student loans will charge him for the first year regardless now, I dropped out during the first term of my second year and they still charged me 9k for the whole second years tuition.

I agree MiddlesexGirl unless you just want to smoke weed I can't for the life of me see why students would stay home and defer this year. What will they do? Limited options to work and travel. After 6 months of no school further de-skill yourself for another year - 18 months out of eduction. My DS18 is a Maths student and in normal years they discourage maths students from having a year out because they de-skill their mental acuity. It would only be worse after covid isolation. I think
going to uni is far better than the alternatives this year.

Sorry OverTheRainbow88 I think you're wrong.

I spent a lot of time proving my resilience as a young person and regret it now. I wish I had realised my course was not right for me sooner. Once i had got so far into it, it became impossible to change.

My sister was much smarter; took researching her course really seriously and started uni in her early 20’s with some work experience and a bit more self-knowledge. She had an amazing uni experience.
The difficulty is discerning whether it’s lack of resilience or the wrong course. Some young people don’t have the self knowledge to really know the answer. Do us adults know any better?

I'm actually quite surprised at these messages. Why waste thousands of pounds to 'give it a go' for a term and sit on a computer distance learning. Let him drop out, get a job (there will be something. It might not pay much - eg deliveroo - but he could get something, pay you rent and not have much left over. Thems the breaks in a pandemic). Once hes had some time to think he can head off next year for a more thought about course and worthwhile uni experience. I know a fair few people who have dropped out first term and gone on to do another course. No one has regretted it

Tell him if he drops out he must get a full time job and pay you rent and money towards his food and utilities. He should realise 12 hours of study at home is way better than 40 hours a week at work.