I need some advice and opinions please.
DS 15 vapes and owns a vape. Husband and I don't vape or smoke, although husband is an ex smoker before DS was born. I am really anti smoking and vaping. But husband has allowed DS to own / buy vapes and liquids and the only rule is not in the house- DS is to go outside to vape. I would ban from having these things in the house full stop- would take a zero tolerance stance because of his age. I will not allow him to order vapes/ liquids to the house and have previously refused to sign to say he is 18 on delivery, resulting in the parcel being returned to sender. So now, DS has discovered which companies don't insist on age verification and also gets things sent to his friend's addresses.
Although DS is not allowed to have it in his bedroom, he does, and if I don't remember to ask him to put it downstairs, my husband never does, so it might be being used in DS's bedroom for days.
Recently he has been caught at school with it and is on a warning to not get caught with it again. He has continued to take it in.
Alcohol- over the summer DS attended a camping sleepover in a friend's field. ( socially distanced as all took own tents) He asked for beer to take. After some consideration I purchased a 4 bottle pack, and gave him two bottles to take. My thinking was to allow it as a special occasion ( birthday sleepover party.) I made clear it was a one off or almost at any rate- only on special occasions, not an every weekend deal. He asked several more times within weeks of this, and both me and my husband stood firm and said no more.
Anyway, today I have found 3 bottles of beer in his bedroom. I told DS I wasn't happy about this and was met with the standard teenage scorn. I then told husband- whose words were " I like it less than you" ( son having alcohol in his room)
So when husband sees DS and asks him about it, all he said was " how come you've got alcohol in your room? How did you get it? and "So you are not a secret drinker then? That was it, no saying you are not to have it, hand it over to me etc. Nothing. End of discussion. So I am really confused- if DH likes the idea of DS having alcohol even less than me, how can this be his only response? Because now, it seems to me it's been left that it is ok for our 15 yr old to have alcohol in his room as long as he says he is not secretly drinking it in there!!
Please can you tell me your thoughts on the situation and what you allow to happen with your teens. I think both things are completely wrong but am looking for some outside perspective in case it's me that's being unreasonable. Thanks.