Vaping and Drinking 15 yr old

[Cannottakeanymore]

I need some advice and opinions please.
DS 15 vapes and owns a vape. Husband and I don't vape or smoke, although husband is an ex smoker before DS was born. I am really anti smoking and vaping. But husband has allowed DS to own / buy vapes and liquids and the only rule is not in the house- DS is to go outside to vape. I would ban from having these things in the house full stop- would take a zero tolerance stance because of his age. I will not allow him to order vapes/ liquids to the house and have previously refused to sign to say he is 18 on delivery, resulting in the parcel being returned to sender. So now, DS has discovered which companies don't insist on age verification and also gets things sent to his friend's addresses.
Although DS is not allowed to have it in his bedroom, he does, and if I don't remember to ask him to put it downstairs, my husband never does, so it might be being used in DS's bedroom for days.
Recently he has been caught at school with it and is on a warning to not get caught with it again. He has continued to take it in.
Alcohol- over the summer DS attended a camping sleepover in a friend's field. ( socially distanced as all took own tents) He asked for beer to take. After some consideration I purchased a 4 bottle pack, and gave him two bottles to take. My thinking was to allow it as a special occasion ( birthday sleepover party.) I made clear it was a one off or almost at any rate- only on special occasions, not an every weekend deal. He asked several more times within weeks of this, and both me and my husband stood firm and said no more.
Anyway, today I have found 3 bottles of beer in his bedroom. I told DS I wasn't happy about this and was met with the standard teenage scorn. I then told husband- whose words were " I like it less than you" ( son having alcohol in his room)
So when husband sees DS and asks him about it, all he said was " how come you've got alcohol in your room? How did you get it? and "So you are not a secret drinker then? That was it, no saying you are not to have it, hand it over to me etc. Nothing. End of discussion. So I am really confused- if DH likes the idea of DS having alcohol even less than me, how can this be his only response? Because now, it seems to me it's been left that it is ok for our 15 yr old to have alcohol in his room as long as he says he is not secretly drinking it in there!!
Please can you tell me your thoughts on the situation and what you allow to happen with your teens. I think both things are completely wrong but am looking for some outside perspective in case it's me that's being unreasonable. Thanks.

If you don’t want him to vape you’ll have to stop his pocket money. It’s as simple as that.

My suggestion is all his money will go to his saving account , maybe for higher education or something, and if he need something, he will ask you for it. That is, I will keep paying for Apple Music if he keep up with his chores. That’s what I did for my son.

But you are paying for it all! You give him money knowing how he spends it. It would be very simple to just stop giving him money. He will kick off no doubt, but you honestly don’t have to pay for him to vape and drink.

It feels like I am coming across as being horrible to you but I can’t seem to find the words to say it any other way - but the intention is kind, honestly!

And the other posters, do other people's teens not have bank cards and do other parents not pay pocket money on to them? I thought this was normal.

Ds(16) has a debit card, Apple pay etc where I transfer money for school lunches, his mobile phone and pocket money, to teach him how to manage and spend money responsibly. He users it for Spotify, occasionally Netflix, ps4 points, and going out with friends etc, If he started abusing it buying vape and booze the privilege would be sharply removed.

You are getting a lot of comments about the pocket money, which is the way you can control this

But to get to the bottom of i, you need to ask him why he does it.
‘Because I like it’ is a facile, childish answer.
Keep asking him until you get a sense of what is going on with him.... is it peer pressure? Anxiety? Boredom?

You are right, he will find a way round whatever your rules are unless he actually wants to change.

Have more conversations with him about it.

Maybe he does just like it 🤷🏻‍♀️. The stuff tastes of donuts, strawberry, latte etc and makes him feel good. Same with alcohol.

Our teens have money loaded onto a specific child card / app but we get alerts when they spend and lots of sites are banned by the app. I think we can add additional sites to be banned so if they were buying something like this I would get the sites banned. Maybe look into one of these apps instead of a traditional bank account.

We can also remove money as well as adding it, so if it was going on vapes and booze I would remove the money and do approved purchases to the value of their pocket money instead.

The oldest teen is allowed to have a small drink, with us, on very rare occasions. If they had booze in their room or drinking elsewhere I would look at other punishments such as grounding/ removing tech and stopping money.

Vaping would be unacceptable and treated as above.

But if your teen is told by his father that he is allowed to vape outside then the problem is your husband. Of course he's going to spend his money on it if he's allowed to vape!

He also clearly thinks the drinking is ok. He's hardly hiding it if there are bottles laying around in his room.

Your husband and you need to be together on what is and isn't allowed and set firm boundaries.

Your teen will try and get away with what he can and it seems to me that the messages he's getting is that he is allowed to smoke (from 13!) and that drinking is fine as long as it's not secret.

So he will do those things and push those boundaries. If you don't want those things to be allowed then you need to clearly tell him that and what the consequences will be for breaking the rules. And your husband needs to be on board!

I have a 14 year old who I found with a vape a couple of weeks ago. Apparently bought for him by an older friend. The vape was confiscated and so was his wallet. I’m not saying that this has fixed it, it’s early days, but I think he’s clear about the boundaries. I wouldn’t let him have alcohol in his bedroom either, just the same as I don’t have alcohol in my bedroom and nor does my 18 year old.