Connecting with teenage son as a mum

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This.

Any ideas? My son is 13. He enjoys gaming and playing the cornet. I'm very proud of his achievements musically. I am a "girly girl" in that I love shopping and Costa!!

I share 50/50 care with my ex-husband and have done for seven years. It is not an amicable relationship sadly.

I also have a 10 yo son with my ex-husband and a four month-old baby girl with my fiancé. She is EBF on demand currently.

I've never been a parent to a teenager before and just feel a bit distant from him if that makes sense?

I just want him to know he is still massively important to me.

Play games with him?

Could you find a multiplayer game you could play? Or a game all the family minus the baby could play ( like the Nintendo wii/switch type thing)?

My son is 12. We go out for lunch, to the cinema, play board games, exercise together where he rides his bike and I run and dp plays computer games with him sometimes. We have our evening meal as a family every day and speak about what we've been up to.

My boys are grown now but we bonded over music. Their choice of music in the car, which we'd talk about, and I used to get them to burn CDs for me of music they thought I might like (I did say it was a few years ago!)

I'd also get them to teach me how to play their Playstation games. They used to think it was hilarious how bad I was at them

It's also normal to feel a bit distant from a teenage boy, and for them to want to be a bit distant from you. Just try and keep talking and being affectionate as I'm sure you do anyway.

If your son is a happy boy then he already knows how important he is to you.
I always liked and still do, to go for a walk with our dogs and take one of my children with me. It's a good time to talk, and act the fool and have fun. I do it now with my grandson.

They do want to be a bit distant from you, but with a new baby as well he's maybe feeling a bit pushed out. I'd keep it simple - make sure you eat together for a start and chat. We still play daft games together. Watch DS choice of movies once a week or so, which is great for just sitting together. The car is a good place for chatting too.

Get into a tv series with him?
Stranger Things is a good one if he’s not seen that.
Whenever any of my dcs need clothes or shoes, I take the opportunity to go shopping with them alone and we then go out for lunch/dessert.
Buy a random gift. Even things like his favourite brand of crisps or chocolate will mean something.
Hug him, ruffle his hair, high five him. Any physical contact is good.
Embarrass him with sending kissing emojis.
Talk to him regularly.
Tell him how much you love him every now and then.

He has an XBox in his room and I have tried hard on several ocassions to play multiplayer games with him. However, I am DIRE..as in horrendously bad at them all. He then understandably gets frustrated with me. I also have no idea how to play anything like chess and again I'm shockingly bad at anything similar.

We go out quite a lot to eat out as a family which is great and we always eat evening meals together. At 9pm onwards his brother goes up and the baby is normally asleep on me and then my eldest, myself and my fiancé watch something together (eg a police series or something like that). He loves having that time.

We just don't spend time together just me and him.

He suffers from health anxiety and there are lots of places he isn't happy to go to. For example, he would not consider the idea of a cinema. He doesn't enjoy going for a coffee etc.

The best advice I had about such things was from a friend with older kids. She advised that if the relationship was a bit tricky, literally approach it from the side. Gaming, walks, driving in the car, anything that didnt require face to face conversation, but rather togetherness without the pressure. Even if he doesnt want to speak to you, a long drive, just the two of you with some of his music and some good car sweets and the occasional general comment means a bit of time in which he may start to chat.

At that age they do start to distance themselves a bit more. I remember struggling with it too.
DS is 16 now and he's even more independent, but he still has days where he follows me round he house telling me about some funny story or other. I also plan one afternoon a month to do something with him, like:

• go for lunch
• watch a film
• bake
• BBQ, he helps cook
• visit my parents together for lunch/dinner
• take him shopping

He does value that time I think still, he's always up for doing it when I ask, but I keep it to a minimum unless he asks, as I know he'd rather hang out with his friends. He's feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment starting 6th form college without his mates, so he's hanging round me more, which reminds me he's still my boy and still needs reassurance sometimes, even at 6'2!

I try to do the little things. For example, I saw a fab coaster with his football team on it the other day so wrapped it up as a gift and now he uses it in the front room to have his cup of tea on when he joins us in the evenings.

I guess I'm just feeling like a bit of a shit mum as we literally have nothing in common and he must think I'm seriously stupid/boring/both.

Get him to teach you the controls for the game. Banish your fiancé upstairs every now and again to be able to spend some alone tome , even if it’s just 30 mins. If he likes family meals, not sure if you could get him engaged in making a pizza or something?

Just talk to him and take an interest in his life. Don't feel offended if he's not particularly talkative. Just make sure he knows you're there and you've always got time for him.

Can you find a tv programme/series which is just for you and him? My DH has been v successful doing that and as he points out (i) it is the easiest form of parenting; and (ii) even if not to his exact taste it will never be worse than sodding Thomas and Friends. He and DD watch stranger things and watched the Tiger King stuff; he and DS watch Brooklyn 99, Walking Dead and some old comedy shows. It has been really good for their relationships - they will grab a drink and some snacks and crack on. It also gives you “stuff” to talk about With them - eg Lily Allen has just got married to a lead guy from Stranger Things, and DH knows who Millie Bobbie Brown is etc.

I have a teen daughter but:

One on one lunches
And car journeys ("invent" or expand an errand if you have to) with promise of a drive through on the way back
Watch a Netflix series together - just you two
Share a hobby - we have horse-riding in common

Thanks all. We don't have Netflix (and it's not really a luxury we can afford), but he is happy to watch all sorts of things of an evening which is good.

We attempted to go out for a sibling-free coffee and cake just me and him after I picked him up from his band today, but bloody everywhere was rammed and people were queueing to get seated due to the Covid restrictions. So all in all it was pretty frustrating!!

Will try again the week after next when he's back with me from his dad's.

Car time today was good though and we walked up to see my parents this afternoon (baby was with us but it was still nice).

Then this evening he has sat and watched TV with us after dinner.

I just feel like it is so tricky to give all three children quality time, especially with the new baby around and don't want him to feel overlooked.

A TV series is an excellent idea, when I was going through an awful patch With DS1, watching a tv series together was literally the one thing that kept us going (Riverdale!) I appreciate being on a budget but Netflix is similar to a monthly coffee and cake and more cost effective to me! Watching series together has been a really good way also to talk about issues in a hypothetical way without him feeling like I’m badgering him or putting him on the spot because we talk about characters.

"I am a "girly girl" in that I love shopping and Costa!!"

My husband loves shopping and Costa too, maybe I should inform him that's too girly for him haha.
But on a serious note, are there any games you could enjoy today? Things like Mario Kart, wii sport? Could you watch films together, or find a tv show you'll both enjoy?

Thanks all. We've been watching a few bits on catch up which has been good - we have enjoyed the series on missing people and searching for them etc.

We don't have a Wii and as much as I try to play games with him on his XBox I am so dire we both get frustrated!!

Will try again to do the cafe idea at some point although everywhere is just rammed atm due to Covid.

If you and he have smartphones you could play a game on those together when your not together if you get me?
I play Words with Friends with my sister and have competitive bouts of Duolingo (not actually a game my DH is just very competitive) with my DH.
There has to be a game out there that you would both start equally badly at 🙂

@Sk1nnyB1tch He has a very snazzy top-of-the-range iPhone (wealthy ex ha ha!) and I have a crappy Samsung Galaxy A9 - would they be compatible?

Yes, just search for game apps that exist on Apple and Android. Then you both download them separately to your phones and away you go.
I would recommend Duolingo if you could tie it to a future trip or shared heritage.
Maybe Italian as he is a musician a lot of musical scores are Italian? We make it competitive by befriending each other on the app then trying to be the one to have completed more rounds then the other. Not a daily leaderboard or anything, just when my DH notices I'm ahead he puts loads of time in to get ahead of me and I tease him about it
Only if you both don't hate learning languages. Snakes will do if you don't have the brain space for anything complicated ☺️

It's music that has bonded us. I used to play th piano, did a music degree and love theatre.

My son plays keyboard, loves theatre and loves playing old 70's/80's music.

Music and reading are my bonds with my son- we really like similar/same bands, and we both love reading so we'll often share what it is we're reading or reading about.

Those are exactly the two things that his sister hates, too, so it's like we're partners in crime.

@PhilODox Aw that sounds fab!

I love reading too and my son used to, but since he's gone to secondary apparently it's "not cool" and so he doesn't read at all any more. Bought him loads of books as recommended for his sort of age group (have a pretty good idea as I'm a teacher), but he doesn't touch them.

He is very talented musically and plays a cornet. He plays in a county band. My dad helps him with this as he is also a brass player. I can read music just about but don't play an instrument (failed my Grade 3 piano as a kid lol!!) He hates my music tastes eg Amy Winehouse, The Carpenters etc. He isn't really into listening to music bless him, he is happier playing it.

I just don't see what we have at all in common!

His dad doesn't allow me contact on his weeks with him really so trying to reconnect when he is with me as much as I can.