13 year old DD not eating and depressed..

[Lemonsaretheonlyfruit]

Hi. I see how many threads there are in this sadly and now I'm in this position myself I can really empathise.

DD (13) has always been pretty emotional. Very up or very down. A closed book when it comes to talking about emotions and feelings. She is very popular and is considered one of the cool girls at school. Everybody seems to think she us super confident but as with lots of people like this, I think it's just a front and she has low self esteem.

A few weeks ago I noticed she had started eating less. This has now dwindled to almost nothing. She has always been a normal healthy weight and in a matter on weeks I can see she has lost weight. On top of this, she is really really down when at home. She seems fine with friends but I'm not sure if this is just a front. I try and drag her down from her room and carve out some me and her time but increasingly this is getting harder.

I'm really worried. A friend's mum said she has said something about a couple of girls saying she was fat on social media so maybe That was the trigger. I just don't know as she won't talk to me. I also saw what looked like small paper cuts on her upper arm. She immediately pulled her arm away when I asked what they were.

She has just gone off to school without eating again. She had been eating some berries and grapes for breakfast but nothing the last few days.

I have a doctors appt for her on Thursday but the doctor has already told me the CAMHS waiting list is huge. I am talking to a private therapist today who specialises in teens. I am considering calling the school but I don't know how much to say to them. Does anyone know what a typical intervention is from a secondary school?
A friend's mum who called me to say that she thinks DD threw up when she was there at the weekend messaged her last night to let her know that she is there for her.
I have also said to her that she needs to come home straight after school every day as if she had eaten nothing all day then I need her to be at home as she might collapse. This didn't go down well.

A friend who has ADHD suggested that a lot of her behaviour are similar to how she was as a teen and she sounds 'textbook' .. should I get her assessed?

Is there anything else I should be doing? A friend suggested showing her pictures of anorexic girls to see how this could end but this feels extreme. Or us that the right thing to do? I have spoken to her about periods stopping, hair falling out etc but that doesn't seem to have registered.

Has anyone else been through this and can help? I know I sound v stressed but that's because I am- tho I try and not let that show (apart from normal concern) in front of her.

I have no practical advice but didn't want to leave without saying that this sounds tough and I hope you both get the support you need. In the meantime all you can do is show her you love her and make her feel safe.

Thanks @Palavah

This sounds so hard for you and for her. Is there anyone else she can talk to? I’m sure you are a great mum and you sound like you have her best interests at heart but sometimes teens just don’t want to confide in mums and dads. Maybe if there was an auntie or cousin she is close to they could take her out for the day and talk to her to see if they could get some idea of the issue. If not maybe just let her know you’re always here and plan some things to do that aren’t too intense like going for a drive, watching a movie etc. If the focus isn’t on her she might open up naturally.

Personally I would really consider getting her to the gp on Thursday and speaking to pastoral care at school if you can. It is getting to the point she is hurting herself by not eating and I would try to really emphasise this. Hopefully the gp can help you somehow.

Thanks @Kanaloa

Yes I think you are right by doing something that isn't focused on her. It's so hard to drag her out of her bedroom.

A friend of a friend whose DD has similar suggested taking her to do something that she really wants to do. Getting another piercing would be top of her list but feels a bit counterintuitive is 'look what good stuff happens when I don't eat. Must carry on!'

I will let her know tonight that I'm going to call the school tomorrow so she can be prepared for some action to be taken..

I don't really have any proper advice but I would say that it sounds like the start of an eating disorder. And they're not really about the food as such but the fact that they can control something when something else seems overwhelming. I would try and see someone privately as soon as possible and support her. The Beat website has some good advice but she really needs professional support before it gets worse. I have to add that this probably isn't something she's chosing to do, it's a mental illness and not her fault.

Thanks @amihavinganervousbreakdown. Yes I see what you are saying. I just can't get over how quickly this seems to have progressed. It was only a matter of weeks ago seemed ok.

Hi,

I don’t have any practical advice, I’m sorry to say, but my daughter is going through something similar and I’m a lost too, I hope you get one well. I would urge you to keep talking to her and focusing on all the wonderful positive things she does.

@Vick2201 so sorry you are too. It's horrible isn't it?

I agree. I have told her we are going to the doctors on Thursday and she is refusing to go. In fact she won't even talk to me at all at the moment.

I hope things get better for you too.

I'm
Really struggling. I'm a single parent so don't have another adult in the house for support and it's really hard. I'm laying on my bed near her bedroom listening to see if she goes into the bathroom to bring her food up.

Dinner untouched tonight . More tears when I asked her what was wrong. It’s excruciating to see and impossible as a parent not to comment when i see her looking so sad the whole time. I just asked her one question... I asked her if this is how she feels the whole time (I didn’t say this but the drawn withdrawn crying person I see at home) or is she ok / feeling happy when she is with her friends. She won’t say a single word but just stares into the distance in tears.

I asked her if she wanted to watch something on tv with me later. No
I said if wasn’t good for her to be glued to her phone the whole time in her room (it’s all she ever does at the moment. Going back a month or so she would at lest be faffing in her room, doing her hair etc) . It’s like a proper addiction at the moment.

In the end I said I might come up to her room and sit with her, watch something a bit later and she stormed off. I have never been at such a loss.

Any advice v gratefully received from anyone who has been here.

Eating disorders should be prioritised by CAMHs and seen within 4 weeks, even at present.
I’d ask for a referral From you GP to the specialist ED team and let her know this is serious.
And definitely make the link that if you don’t fuel it by eating you don’t do it.
Good luck, And I hope this is temporary

It is an expensive option, but ds(16) has been going to a Personal Trainer weekly since he was 14 due to various issues and his confidence/self esteem had hit rock bottom. The right personal trainer who has an interest in teenagers can make a huge difference to their motivation and confidence, ds listened to him and what he said when he wouldn't listen to me.

The PT speaks to him about what his targets are and works with him to achieve them. This includes training, good nutrition to achieve targets, monitoring with weighing/measuring and talking about health aspects for a teen such as bone health and growth plates and the risks of over training at this age.

You would need to judge if this would help your dd, and only if you can find the right qualified female PT that works with teen girls to achieve appropriate targets safely.

Our daughter went down the Eating Disorder Anorexic rabbit hole aged 13. Now recovered, and we're all in a far better place. But it took 2 years to get here, and evidence based treatment (Maudsley method) saved her life. My recommendation is - and this takes strength - to intervene VERY rapidly. At 13 it is curable but the older they are when this strikes the harder it is to heal. Fast early intervention makes all the difference at that age and they have the best prognosis but it's very hard too in the early stages, but gets better as you get the calories in. It takes almost twice as long to recover / restore weight as it does to lose it. Once an ED sets in it can become chronic and that is deadly, but rapid assertive intervention works to stop that. No therapy really works until they are sufficiently nourished. Leading consultants now realise this, it's a biological illness as much as a mental illness. In fact 'feelings' and therapy is largely irrelevant until they can think straight which only occurs when weight restored and you get your original daughter back - rather a hard strong intervention using food and a set meal plan as medicine is the cure. Eva Musby's book on Anorexia and Eating Dosorders and the FEAST Around the Dinner Table website are the only two key tools you need to know to beat this. This is not your or her fault - eating disorders are genetic predisposition and biological and when the brain is under nourished mental illness (anxiety, depression, OCD etc) follows not causes them. By taking control of her eating, prescribing food as necessary medicine, not leaving the table or allowing life to commence until portions are eaten, you will rescue her. It is hard though as to begin with food is her enemy. Her brain can't think straight when underweight. First base is 4 x milk drinks a day (milk is immediately absorbed, if you get a glass down her you will see a temporary and fast improvement - but it does not last long) plus gradual persistent insistent consistent eating to a meal plan will over time recover her brain health, and that's when she will help engage in recovery. But malnourishment ahead of that stage means she can't and won't be herself. It is hard work but honestly will pay off. DM me if you'd like to know more about our experience and my best wishes to you all. It was one of the toughest times I as a parent have been through but you are not alone and many of us get through this. Complacency is the enemy though, and well done for identifying this as a resolvable yet also sorry to say potentially deadly illness. It needs to be taken most seriously. Also the NHS has good expertise but not enough and often way too hard to access (so wrong it makes me angry) and accessing it is a full time job and many GPs are hopeless - we had to work so hard to get any support, tried multiple portals of the nhs even callling the ambulance etc, but got there in the end. In the first instant Eva Musby's book and FEAST websites tell you all you need to know ahead of any support. This takes exceptional strong and skilled parenting to tackle - but you learn compassion and so much along the way, and once better your daughter will know you supported her against a very challenging illness which people can't heal just by themselves. Good luck and thinking of you.

Check her phone. She may be spending all her time on her phone on pro-Ana sites or forums. These need to be blocked.

Check her phone. We had a student that was being blackmailed and it sent her down this route that your describing.

@happydazeandsunshines

Thankyou so much for your post. It really resonated with me and sorry you have been through the whole thing from beginning to thankfully the end. What you say is really useful.
Since my original post I have taken her to the doctors and we have an assessment with the eating disorder unit at the Maudsley as we live just around the corner.

It's still a few weeks off though as there are more urgent cases ahead of us. In the mean time I have been reading some stuff by Eva Musby as recommended by a friend too. Her eating had also become worse. I will doubtless PM you so thanks so much got getting in touch and glad you are out the other side now.

happydazeandsunshines

Please listen to this Mum above...
My daughter was diagnosed with Anorexia at the age of 14...
It is a very consuming illness... but early intervention is an absolute must. Definitely don’t ‘wait To see what happens’.
CAMHS will see her in 4 weeks...
I wish you and your daughter health and happiness. Please don’t delay... xx

Just read you last post... well done you are on it xx you can do this with the right support xx

@CorianderLord
@justasmalltownmum

Thankyou. I haven't so far but I will..

@slipperandtherose sorry for you too but glad you have also had a positive end to this.

@happydazeandsunshines

I am already finding it really hard and we haven't started on the refeeding programme yet. I feel like in these 3 weeks before the assessment I am flailing around trying and seemingly failing at most turns. I just want to get started. A friend whose DD has also been on the Maudsley programme said that she really didn't have the courage and balance of firmness and compassion until she had the backing of the experts which I really understand.

In the mean time I am probably doing it all wrong in an attempt to get hey to eat something (is she'll hardly touch dinner after no breakfast and no lunch at school) so I'll take her up some snacks up to her room later on. They have actually been eaten the last few days but not sure if they are being kept down.

One of the hardest things I'm finding is feeling like my ex blames me for this. He has always been a good dad but constantly seeks to blame me for anything. So apparently this is all fuelled (if not caused) by my anxiety. I don't have anxiety but him coming over to 'help' and telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself when I have a few tears about the whole situation really does make me feel anxious. I need support not persecution. Meal times are so hard on your own with the DC when one is in tears and not eating and the other is wanting attention..

Anyway thankfully I have lovely friends around me. It's already feeling like the hardest parenting stage yet and I know we have a long road ahead. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. Any more interim tips most appreciated.

I really for you. it’s a terrifying illness... but it can be treated

Your ex husband will need to be part of the process. And he will need to understand that their is no single cause of anorexia... it starts off - and then fuels itself. You are not to blame. No one is.
Blame and shame are the most unhelpful emotions in anorexia recovery and forgiveness and compassion are what’s needed. The therapist will need to express this to your ex.
But you will be told how firm you’ll need to be. Your daughter needs that first assessment to really understand that it is serious. This is when the penny drops. But it will be up and down - possibly (commonly) lots of resistance from the anorexic voice...
But food is the medicine... x
Your ex will need to be united with you, so that your daughter has one message.
The waiting for the assessment is really tricky, but you will feel better when you have the back up and a clear and simple plan.
It can feel like everything you do or say is wrong... but trust me the fact that you are at this stage is already the first step of doing your best. Xx

My prayers are with you and your daughter. I really hope you access Maudsley - once through the wait they are the world leaders at this. We even considered moving to live in the catchment at one point as the rest of the nhs has a long way to go (!). In the meantime my advice is to not be shy if her weight drops to go to A&E - what got our daughter care / backed up our concern was an ECG showing erratic heart rate. Her weight was two thirds what it should have been (combination of restricting and sudden growth) so that 'opened the door' to a hospital bed. Not an Eating Disorder one but it thumped home the message to her she was not well, validated us and she started eating. But it was a long road from there, including going to a psych ward in Oxford for 3 months - yikes! She is / was not mad I hasten to add, but the lack of food makes their brains malfunction. It takes 6 months post full restoration for the brain to come back as the body prioritises other organs. But it does come back alongside their true personality which right now is 'taken over' by ED. And as I said before therapy is just a side show really as it's all about the hard biology of addressing the energy deficit first for the anorexic thoughts to then go. Now our daughter is strong and well, probably in a better place than most teenagers, but it took time; she says by anorexia coming out early she's in a better position in the long run and we agree as she now knows all and any food (especially burgers and chocolate!) is her friend and nourishing s vital for a growing young persons life. I feel for you and we all blame ourselves but the science and expertise is clear this is not about parenting - there is no correlation. It's instead a genetic disposition and / or any weight loss can trigger it for some even if just due to another illness (-see the Minnesota Study). It strikes any time but mainly at puberty as their growth outstrips their eating, then the anorexic behaviour (hiding food, exercise - which is universal) happens as a consequence of first a malnourished brain. It's incredible to me how the behaviour is the same, which is why it's biologically a consequence of the brain lacking fats and oils. Things to be grateful for are: she is young hence far better recovery rate statistically, this will test you both but ultimately bring you closer and by gosh what does not break us makes us stronger and more compassionate, it's an opportunity to change a young persons life who if had cancer you'd get a medal for - and to my mind this is the same in so many ways if only society understood things better like the real experts do. I know so much what you mean about validation and back up. I briefed our GP before meeting my daughter - who was smart enough to admit ED's are specialist and way beyond his skill set - so he told my daughter how serious this is basically following my suggested script to get that much needed validation for her to take it seriously at the start! I literally had to manufacture my own support / validation as even lots in the Nhs have no idea. But the specialists do get it and if you can access Maudsley I really hope that will be a big support. Re your partner I'm the dad of our daughter and it's time for him to unify against ED to help save her. Tempting though it is to wallow in blame games and self reflection that is what the Eating Disorder wants. Divide and rule. By it coming out early may not feel like it but better now than later - and any normal life stress might trigger that - so it's more curable now than striking say in the 20s. It's got nothing to do with either parent (other than genetically re fast metabolisms perhaps, making some more vulnerable, as recent studies proven) but both parents can make such an impact to help your lovely daughter beat this ... and end up in a far stronger position than before. Marathon not a sprint and do stay strong - you didn't choose this fight but you are going to enter the ring and win it and there is peer support here to cheer you along...

@slipperandtherose

Thanks so much. Those words are really helpful and offer me some hope.

@happydazeandsunshines

You too sound like you have been through it too. What a process. Really useful insights. My friend whose DS has been through the programme said v similar in terms of how adamant the experts are that you have to be firm. I am lacking in that at the moment in that limbo period and am tip toeing around here trying to just get her to to eat anything at all. It's not working. That first assessment can't come soon enough.

Thankyou to everyone who has taken the toke to reply. It has bed. An awful week. I have now found out she is self harming in tandem with not eating. I feel like I have been catapulted into a different world that I had only heard other people talk a pig until now. I don't know what to be more worried about. They are both ways of self harming of sorts I suppose- but I don't know what to worry about / deal with more. It's a separate issue really isn't it? I called the maudsley and told them but they can't bring her assessment forward. Plus she won't talk to me. I found the sharps in her room and caught a glimpse of cuts on her arms but she is totally denying it but she is definitely doing it. There seems to be a few close friends doing one or the other but not the self harming and not eating at the same tome like my DD. It's so worrying. Thanks for any advice.

*talk about not talk a pig!