13 year old DD not eating and depressed..

[Lemonsaretheonlyfruit]

Hi. I see how many threads there are in this sadly and now I'm in this position myself I can really empathise.

DD (13) has always been pretty emotional. Very up or very down. A closed book when it comes to talking about emotions and feelings. She is very popular and is considered one of the cool girls at school. Everybody seems to think she us super confident but as with lots of people like this, I think it's just a front and she has low self esteem.

A few weeks ago I noticed she had started eating less. This has now dwindled to almost nothing. She has always been a normal healthy weight and in a matter on weeks I can see she has lost weight. On top of this, she is really really down when at home. She seems fine with friends but I'm not sure if this is just a front. I try and drag her down from her room and carve out some me and her time but increasingly this is getting harder.

I'm really worried. A friend's mum said she has said something about a couple of girls saying she was fat on social media so maybe That was the trigger. I just don't know as she won't talk to me. I also saw what looked like small paper cuts on her upper arm. She immediately pulled her arm away when I asked what they were.

She has just gone off to school without eating again. She had been eating some berries and grapes for breakfast but nothing the last few days.

I have a doctors appt for her on Thursday but the doctor has already told me the CAMHS waiting list is huge. I am talking to a private therapist today who specialises in teens. I am considering calling the school but I don't know how much to say to them. Does anyone know what a typical intervention is from a secondary school?
A friend's mum who called me to say that she thinks DD threw up when she was there at the weekend messaged her last night to let her know that she is there for her.
I have also said to her that she needs to come home straight after school every day as if she had eaten nothing all day then I need her to be at home as she might collapse. This didn't go down well.

A friend who has ADHD suggested that a lot of her behaviour are similar to how she was as a teen and she sounds 'textbook' .. should I get her assessed?

Is there anything else I should be doing? A friend suggested showing her pictures of anorexic girls to see how this could end but this feels extreme. Or us that the right thing to do? I have spoken to her about periods stopping, hair falling out etc but that doesn't seem to have registered.

Has anyone else been through this and can help? I know I sound v stressed but that's because I am- tho I try and not let that show (apart from normal concern) in front of her.

Are you monitoring her phone usage? At 13 she is still very young and really shouldn’t be unsupervised all evening on her phone. There are lots of dangerous sites and groups online that glorify eating disorders and self harm and it is possible that she is following those.

I know it’s going to be so difficult, but can you insist on mobile phones only allowed downstairs, and not after a set time in the evening? Turn the WiFi off if needed.

I hope you get the support you both need.

I really feel for you. Self harm is a result of not thinking straight / mood dropping due to malnutrition. As per Minnesota Study if any of us got malnourished we likely act similarly. Old people get 'delirious' when don't eat enough for example. It's the same thing; this is not your real daughter. Once her brain 6 months post re-nourishment these problems melt like snow.

The assertive on food part needs external support ideally as so tough to do on your own. This IS the hardest stage. Hang on in there. Take care of yourself. It will and does get better.

One technique as you wait for assessment is to create a home hospital. Remove sharp objects, breakables (-any Ming vases!). Stay really calm (-difficult!) and show Christ like strength as you turn the other cheek as the shrieks come as food resisted - but keep offering a milk drink (part of her wants this and to eat, it's just ED voice too loud and won't let her. You gradually wear it down and overpower it).

Some parents make clear life stops - no phone, no school, no friends - until a minimum nourishment is consumed. No route is very easy though.

It is really hard to do this, and it tested my ability to the limits, felt lonely even with support of family. After many thrown glasses of milk, and borderline assaults on our person (!) eventually we all patiently wore our daughter's ED down and she took those vital glasses of milk on top of her otherwise low diet. Milk is rapidly absorbed hence 4 glasses between meals makes a difference and 'holds'. the position. You need so many calories and much time to rebuild.

If like us her weight already v low and still drops I recommend calling any portal of NHS possible eg A&E / out of hours Dr etc - She needs an ECG and if heart erratic due to underweight that is her passport to a hospital bed! It's a possible wake up call to her ahead of Maudsley specialists if things get really tough ahead of then ?
It made our daughter realise how ill due to lack of nutrition she was. We had to keep trying so desperate we were re lack of NHS but the ECG and a night Dr recommending she go to A&E and him writing a letter finally cracked it.

Some parents manage to refeed entirely at home - they must have super powers! - it can be done with persistence, and the patience of a saint.

You ARE doing everything right - outing the self harm, confronting ED, - all these thrive in secrecy. You are chasing NHS hard - keep the pressure on them and I really hope in meantime your support will gradually cajole and encourage, carrot and stick, your daughter to eat more. You are a heroine (so sorry you are in this new world, you didn't ask for this - I found the audio blog / diary on this helpful and reminds us of the superheroes we are managing all this - www.recoverydad.com).