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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Total rejection of half-sister by 13 year-old son

50 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 08/09/2020 22:29

I have two boys age 10 and 13 from my first marriage. My ex husband is a very controlling narcissist with whom I have to share 50/50 and have done now for over six years.
I have a three month-old baby daughter with my fiancé - his first (and last!) baby.
My 10 yo boy adores her but my eldest son will have literally nothing to do with her. I have to stay in the car when I pick him up from school at all costs eg. if she's crying I can't get her out to comfort her while waiting for him as not one of his friends knows about her. He says he is highly embarrassed that she even exists. He won't touch her or interact with her, even at home.
Is this normal for his age?

OP posts:
Nymeriastark1 · 08/09/2020 22:40

I suspect that's his father talking not him. I would imagine he'll stop when he realises it's not going to get him anywhere. Try speaking to him more about it, sorry I don't have any better advice.

OneEpisode · 08/09/2020 22:44

Perhaps small babies aren’t interesting to teens? A cute toddler, (like a cute dog!), helps start conversations with people, including pretty girls. Things will change?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/09/2020 22:46

It's not normal, but it sounds like it's coming from his dad rather than him (and maybe slight embarrassment his mum has had sex).

I really do think that you shouldn't cave in to his demands, as difficult as it is, if she needs comfort she needs comfort, he is 13, he will understand, even though hes angry right now.

Could your dp take the baby for a day where you spend some time with your ds? Get him away and try and talk to him, find out his concerns or what has been said?

That would be my starting point and then I would decide what to do from there.

So sorry you're going through this op, its not easy Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2020 22:51

You should absolutely not pander to the bit about not comforting your baby so that he can pretend she doesn't exist. You are the parent, it's not his choice if you are holding the baby when you pick him up.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 08/09/2020 22:52

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Thank you. I have spoken to him about it when I've had some time alone with him and he says his embarrassment is that she is a half sibling. He says if she was a full sibling or fostered/adopted then that would be fine.

OP posts:
EvilEdna1 · 08/09/2020 22:52

13 is a very different stage to 10. Maybe he is extremely embarrassed because the baby is evidence that you have sex. I remember a school friend's mum being pregnant when we were a similar age and we thought she should be very embarrassed as her parents were so old and too old for sex. They were the same age as mine so her mum would have been late thirties or 40 max Hmm. He will grow out of it eventually, in meantime ignore his ridiculousness.

Antipodeancousin · 08/09/2020 22:56

I’m pretty sure you’ve posted extensively before about your abusive ex husband?
Of course his behaviour is not normal, he’s being emotionally abused by his father.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 08/09/2020 22:56

@EvilEdna1 Well I do turn 40 soon so waaaaaaaay past it! Mind you, having a new baby we actually extremely rarely have sex these days anyway!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 08/09/2020 22:58

@Antipodeancousin Yes, ex is a total nightmare. I'm just not sure having had no experience of any sort before with teens what is "normal" simply due to his age?

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/09/2020 22:59

He says if she was a full sibling or fostered/adopted then that would be fine.

This makes me think it has definitely come from his dad.

I have kids with 2 different dads. In my house they are just siblings, not half siblings, I'm on my own with them so no input from their dads really so it's no issue here. I imagine in your house they are just called siblings rather than half siblings too.

Could you work on getting him to articulate why it's the half sibling bit that's the problem, especially as adoption or fostering wouldn't be a concern.

If he has been told it's an issue, then you may make him question why and re-evaluate his thoughts.

It may take time, but he will come around.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 08/09/2020 23:05

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult You're right, we just say "sister." But he corrects us - he is adamant.
When I was first pregnant father told son that because of my age baby would be born a "retard".
I just hope ex's (18 year younger than him) gf never wants children of her own - not sure how my son would react then!!

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notapizzaeater · 08/09/2020 23:05

What's he like with her in private ? Is it just his friends he doesn't want to know.

Tbh I've a half sibling who 'arrived' when I was 13 I've never ever considered him a half brother he's my brother. Someone (dad ?) is feeding him this crap

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 08/09/2020 23:07

@notapizzaeater Even in private he has very little to do with her. It breaks my heart.

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 08/09/2020 23:09

What about an activity where you, the baby and your 13yo go? Even just for a cake and a drink and then a walk in the park In a neutral location. And him if he will push the Buggy or help him with small things to do with his sibling - hold the baby bag or give a toy. Underneath it all boys want to help their mum. I hope it get better OP

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 08/09/2020 23:11

@Serenschintte He refuses to be seen out with her. He rarely goes out anywhere with me either, really 😢 I wish I could be one of those "normal" families where my kids love each other deep down.

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Ideasplease322 · 08/09/2020 23:21

His dad has clearly poisoned him with his views.

It is a shame because your son and daughter are missing out.

It may come with time. She will adore her big brother and it will be harder to ignore her when she is a little person following him around. He will also mature.

It will work out. It’s an awkward age and he is obviously feeling loyalty to his dad.

RubySlippers77 · 08/09/2020 23:24

My parents had my last sibling when I was a similar age to your DS and I have to say, it wasn't a pleasant experience at school - I was picked on for it for much the same reasons that @EvilEdna1 suggests.

It had just been me and one (close in age but a bit younger) sibling till then. They dealt with it much better than me, perhaps because they were still at primary school and it was more common for people to have younger siblings then.

I would just make as much time for your DS as you can as that's what I really missed out on with my DM; prior to my last sibling coming along we were comfortably off, went on holiday every year, had trips out etc (not loads, but enough). After their arrival we couldn't afford holidays, there were no days out and I had very few treats (or even new clothes) till they were a bit older and my DM went back to work. Is anything like that an issue for you, as it may also have an impact on your DS' feelings?

Honestly, he is a teenager and they aren't known for their reasonableness Grin but if you can make sure that he knows you're always there for him to talk to, and that you have regular time for just you two (are there any hobbies or pastimes you both enjoy, even just going to the cinema?), IME that would be a big step towards him feeling better about the whole situation.

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/09/2020 23:27

He’s 13 not 3. Don’t pander to him. If he wants a lift from school you take you DD and not hide her away. Otherwise he walks

ktp100 · 08/09/2020 23:36

I'm afraid I wouldn't facilitate his 'cover-up' with his friends. It's very self-indulgent behaviour.

Can you arrange some 1:1 time with him away from the house? I'd speak to him about his behaviour, tell him why it's unusual and innapropriate and ask what his problem is directly. If it's due to poisonous comments from his Dad or just his insecurities then I'm sure you can assure him. If he's just being a dick about it I'd let him know firmly that whether he likes it or not, she is a member of the family and he needs to get the feck over himself.

MoonSauce · 08/09/2020 23:39

Unless there's some huge mega massive reason for giving him lifts, I'd suggest he can get himself to and from school. My eldest is 13 and has SEN but does it. It's the least he should expect for being so disrespectful and nasty. Whether it's coming from his dad or not he needs to learn it's not on, and to stand on his own two feet too.

TheId · 08/09/2020 23:43

My DH has 2 full siblings 14 and 16 years younger than him (as well as a sibling close in age) and he vividly recalls how shocked he felt when his mum announced her pregnancy. He did not take it well. He too would make her park around the corner to pick him up in case his friends saw the evidence of his parents sex life.

He says it was the shock of having his established family set up shaken up, feeling the odd one out as none of his friends had this experience, the diversion of his mum's time and energy to the baby, feeling left out with everyone cooing over the baby, feeling like why weren't he and his sister enough for her (her particularly I'm afraid). He says he irrationally did not like his old clothes and toys going to the new baby. Things got a bit better when his DBro was a toddler and more of a person in his own right who DH could make a relationship with (hard to be irrationally angry with a cute toddler). Later on he did a lot of babysitting and was fine with that.

He is a perfectly well adjusted person now who is close to his mum.

I can see why this is a big deal to your son and although his reaction is not pleasant I think it's understandable. I think he needs to know you still love him just as much and he has not been replaced. I think you should spend time with him without the baby and hopefully it will mend in time

HeddaGarbled · 08/09/2020 23:48

I’d go completely the opposite way and ignore it. It’s a stance he’s adopted and there’s nothing that’ll make a teenager stick to their stance more than trying to talk them out of it.

No pandering, no changing your behaviour, no heavy discussions, no arguments, no ‘breaking your heart’. The less you make an issue out of it, the sooner he’ll grow out of it.

TheId · 08/09/2020 23:49

I think if you refuse to pick him up or tell him off for not liking his new sibling it will only make things worse. I would say spend 1:1 time with him and ignore any bad behaviour or comments when you are together with the baby. Don't pander to it by not picking her up etc but just ignore.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 08/09/2020 23:51

@MoonSauce We live in a village about half hour away from his school, no direct public transport. It was not my choice of school for my son - ex took me to court again and "won" that one as it had an Outstanding Ofsted. Sod the fact that I work ft normally so getting him there and back is a bloody nightmare!!

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Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 08/09/2020 23:53

Som refuses to go out due to Covid. His dad has told him if he gets it he may well die or infect someone else which will kill them.

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