Total rejection of half-sister by 13 year-old son

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I have two boys age 10 and 13 from my first marriage. My ex husband is a very controlling narcissist with whom I have to share 50/50 and have done now for over six years.
I have a three month-old baby daughter with my fiancé - his first (and last!) baby.
My 10 yo boy adores her but my eldest son will have literally nothing to do with her. I have to stay in the car when I pick him up from school at all costs eg. if she's crying I can't get her out to comfort her while waiting for him as not one of his friends knows about her. He says he is highly embarrassed that she even exists. He won't touch her or interact with her, even at home.
Is this normal for his age?

@RubySlippers77 His dad totally screwed me over financially seven years ago when I left him so no, no changes there.

Thats so sad, must be horrible for you. My stepdaughter wasn't keen on her sister at first - when I was pregnant she kept telling me over and over that I might lose the baby and then she wouldn't have to have a sister (I've lost a baby in the past so that was really lovely to hear) and when she was newborn she wasn't interested in her at all. I know a lot of it was from her mum telling her "Your dad won't want you now" etc but it was very difficult at the time. She's nearly 2 now and they absolutely adore each other, she's the only person I've ever seen dsd show genuine affection to, its lovely. Hopefully the same will happen for you.

The whole half sister thing has to come from his father. The logic is totally wrong a child adopted/fostered by you and your partner is no different , there is still a different parent to him.

Hopefully over time your son will soften to his sister.

I foster a child who has 2 full siblings and 2 half siblings and he refers to them as my brother or half brother or half sister. We encourage him to just use their christian name but he persists in using the term half sibling.

I spent years trying to get my boys to have a relationship, they are step brothers. There is 8 years between them.
Ds2 tried hard, but now at 15 has decided that ds1 is not worth the anxiety.
Its hard, I have a shit relationship with my full sister, so i wanted better for my sons. Unfortunately ds1 is more like his father.

Tbh I'd be taking this more seriously than the tone of this thread.

I haven't read your previous threads but keep seeing mention of your abusive ex husband, his dad. Your son's attitude is very cold, and obviously not as innocent of just not liking the thought of his mum having sex, as he is specified he is embarrassed about her being a half sibling. It is coming from his dad.

If your ex is as abusive, narcissistic and abusive as this thread is making out and this is the influence your DS is under for half of his time, then I would be very worried about setting the precedent that you will neglect the babies needs and leave her in discomfort to satisfy him. Given his attitude towards the baby, are you not concerned how that could develop? He could become abusive himself if not kept in check. I would find this highly troubling.

clear case of Parent Alienation 🌺

@aSofaNearYou We've got court yet again in January, it will have been seven years since I (regrettably, if I'm totally honest) left my abusive ex. I am angry at myself for not being strong enough to stay and tolerate/accept my life back then. Even if for the boys.
@LadyLairdArgyll I agree. However, nobody else (including the courts) seems to see it. We have "experts" that are getting involved now but I'm sure my ex will present his usual Disney Dad persona and be believed.
He is applying for further custody so I can see them EOW. Eldest told me last night he'd be happier if he never sees me again. Well, maybe just once a year on my birthday.
I'm so tired. We all are.

I feel for you OP... hopefully someone will see this for what it is soon 🌺

oh OP I'm so sorry, I remember a previous thread of yours and it was heartbreaking to read. I am so happy for you that your daughter is now here and that your younger son is enjoying being an older brother!
I truly wish I could give you some useful advice re. your oldest son but unfortunately I can't, so sending unmumsnetty hugs instead

Are you RainMinusBow???

I give up. Just been called a "fucking bitch" and a "cunt" and then told to get him his dinner.

It sounds like such a tough situation to have to deal with. Do you think it's likely your son would tell the courts he would prefer to live with his dad full time?

You allow your 13 year old to call you a cunt? Sorry but that's totally unacceptable! I don't care if his dad drip feeds him poison and you're feeling guilty.....nip this in the bud straight away.....or next he'll be hitting you a slap!

@Ludo19 I agree. But half of his life it is encouraged. Women are there to serve men.

When you started this thread OP it was early August and schools were not back - so was the car issue just you thinking ahead?

I have followed your previous threads and whilst I have (and expressed) incredible sympathy for your situation - I also suspect a fixation from you of your xHs situation - repeated references to his young girlfriend and his financial situation. It seems you are v v bitter. You have to accept he has moved on and the financial situation as it is unless you are planning to go back to court.....because these intrusive thoughts and obsessing about the past are polluting your here and now. You have a wonderful fiancé, a beautiful new baby girl and two healthy sons. Fixating on all of this negative stuff will another what you have now.

Yes your oldest DS needs boundaries and compassion - but your xH having 4 cars is not the focus.

I would look at some therapy for you to support you accepting the financial situation and taking responsibility for your own emotional healing and emotional protection from your Narc X - as your baby as well as your teen - need a Mum fully attuned and emotionally positive - not someone churning bitterness and preoccupied with the past.

I have every sympathy that you were turned over - and this isn’t right - but you have your emotional freedom and lots of love in it - bathe yourself in this otherwise you will just bathe your baby and your DCs in your xH emotional toxicity.

Fixating on all of this negative stuff will pollute what you have now.

Your baby girl is sensing, absorbing and internalising your every mood - she will be scared and confused and become fretful and anxious which will develop into behavioural issues.

Read up in attachment theory and ensure that you are fully and positively attuned at this time for her.

If you love someone let them go.
Perhaps not seeing your eldest would be the best for you and your new family.

@SecretDoor My son is as much my child as my daughter is! You don't just have a new baby and forget about your other children!

@Sssloou How do I have "emotional freedom" when yet again he is taking me to court, this time for more custody? Long and protracted court cases over seven years. Always instigated by him. Draining me of every penny of the money I had put away to finally get on the property ladder. Watching my every move. How is the freedom? It's an ongoing nightmare.

I have had counselling but nobody can stop him abusing ateotd.

@Sssloou 8/9 is 8th September, schools are back.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201711/the-life-the-alienated-parent

@SecretDoor Yes to me too it is a clear case of PA. But UK courts don't really recognise/accept it.

I think teenagers are just embarrassed about everything and it's normal for him to find this difficult.
Not saying it's ok - but I think you have to accept that he's not interested at the moment.

Sorry OP I muddled the dates in my head.

I totally hear your frustration and distress with your xH and the system - but I think that you need to compartmentalise your thinking because being preoccupied and bitter with your xH hot tub, 4 cars and young girl friend will just seep into you daily life and negatively consume you - so that your new life, new baby become stained by your stress.

Maybe some exercise, mindfulness, yoga, creative hobby would help to unblock the issue for you emotionally.

He doesn’t get to live rent free in your head unless you let him.

Compartmentalise the legal stuff to specific interactions with the professionals at those times - and switch off from it and on to positive interactions with your fiancé and DCs.

You seem stuck in the past obsessing and not accepting what happened. By this I don’t mean that any of it was / is acceptable just that you can actively choose your thoughts and behaviours - so that you become better not bitter. I hope that you can find support and coping mechanisms that will take you along this path so that you find peace.

Just got his statement to the Court. Among othet ridiculous things he has said he is a better parent as he makes himself available to take both children to and from school and I do not. Well that would be because I work ft!!! I have no choice!! My parents (same village) take youngest and my fiancé takes eldest and I collect. Seriously?!!!!!