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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is it incredibly old fashioned?

51 replies

momtoboys · 31/08/2020 21:34

I have five sons. One early 20's two are 19 and one is 16 and one is 15.

Two of the older ones have girlfriends. One of them has been with the young lady for almost 4 years.

Is it incredibly uncool and old fashioned to hope that they get married and then have their children?

OP posts:
legalseagull · 31/08/2020 21:40

Why would it be? Surely most people want their children to be in happy relationships with their own families. Happiness is key so obviously it must be what they want too.

Original poster
momtoboys · 31/08/2020 21:47

I guess my question is it inappropriate to hope (not say anything!) that my boys get married before they have children. I know that many, many people have children and are not married but I still hope that my kids are married when they have children.

OP posts:
MrsSpookyM · 31/08/2020 21:51

Some people don't want children.

Some people don't want to get married.

cariadlet · 31/08/2020 21:54

Seems a bit old fashioned to me (dd is 17 but I still haven't bothered marrying). Luckily my mum doesn't mind (although she was very happily married herself).

Dd intends to get married but wants children first so they can go to her wedding. I can't see why she's so fussed about getting married but it's none of my business.

As long as you don't say anything to your dc, and especially don't put any kind of pressure on them, then it really doesn't matter what your personal wishes are (although you're perfectly entitled to them).

Hazelnutlatteplease · 31/08/2020 21:56

Yes that is very old fashioned

minnieok · 31/08/2020 21:57

I just want my kids to be happy. Unfortunately for my bank balance, dd has a passion for American wedding dress programmes and has already pencilled the date of her wedding if she's still with her bf after university (big if!)

hughjackman88 · 31/08/2020 22:01

Nope, but it is incredibly old fashioned to call her 'the young lady' Grin

CountFosco · 31/08/2020 22:04

I don't think it's old fashioned, it's eminently sensible to have the security of marriage first before having children. Just look how many women in Relationships are up shit creek when their 'DP' goes off with another woman and oh look, the woman has given up paid work to be a SAHM and the house belongs to the cheating bastard and now she has 3 kids, no job and no house to live in. You can live together as long as you want but get married before you have kids.

cariadlet · 31/08/2020 22:05

I agree that not being financially dependent is important but that doesn't always equate with being married.

Pipandmum · 31/08/2020 22:07

No. I hope my kids are married before they have kids. I believe in marriage and the commitment it represents. However they choose their own path.
My daughter and I have been watching Downton Abby and I've also just been explaining inheritance tax to my her in light of how at that time you paid even if married, causing the sell off of so many estates, and how there isn't any now if your spouse inherits...

gospelsinger · 31/08/2020 22:09

It is old fashioned, but I'm still very much in favour of it. I hope my children are in loving committed relationships when they have children. I hope they've made a decision to stay together.i hope they've discussed finances and responsibilities with their partners. I think these things are more likely in marriages. Of course it doesn't always happen and I would support them if they were in a different situation, but I want the best for them and any future grandchildren.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 31/08/2020 22:11

I hope my DDs are in happy committed relationships when they have children. I've observed that marriage does not necessarily equal a happy, committed relationship (although their father and I are happily married).

SpeedofaSloth · 31/08/2020 22:14

I think it is quite old fashioned but I hope for this for my own DC when they are grown. DH and I were married before they came along, specifically because we wanted children and believed it would be a stable base to start from.

Absolutely no judgement on anyone who chooses otherwise, though.

whiteroseredrose · 31/08/2020 22:24

Not old fashioned to me. I also hope my DC get married and have DC of their own. They'd make great parents.

We've talked over the years and there have been various themes. One is future partners. DD and DS get on very well. DD has already said that she hopes that they both marry nice people who also get along.

I know it's not popular on MN but when asked, I've always said that the most important thing for a partner is that you can be yourself. It's exhausting trying to be what you think someone wants. I think DH and I have modelled a happy marriage as have our parents.

Minimumstandard · 31/08/2020 22:29

From a purely pragmatic perspective...

If I had daughters, I would definitely advise them to get married before having children. Women's earning potential tends to decrease after children if they are the primary carers. Marriage means that the court can reflect this in any split of assets on divorce by giving the primary carer a larger share. Though I would also advise any daughters of mine to share parental leave if they can and not be in a hurry to leave their jobs and reduce their hours to avoid being financially dependent in the first place.

If I had sons, it is much easier for them if they're not married. If a relationship breaks down, they can leave their partner and children and walk away with most of their assets intact, even if it leaves the children in poverty. All they have to pay is a (relatively low) percentage of their income that doesn't reflect the true cost of bringing up children at all.

BillywilliamV · 31/08/2020 22:31

I think that marriage demonstrates the right level of commitment to think about bringing up a child. If that is old-fashioned then I am old-fashioned.

RoseTintedAtuin · 31/08/2020 22:42

I think it is old fashioned but I also agree with it. Nothing wrong with holding some old-fashioned values at heart so long as not pushed on people

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/08/2020 22:58

I have lots of friends my age (I'm 50) who are unmarried with children and very happy. But I also know that, should they cease to be happy, in every case the woman has been financially disadvantaged by having children.

I will be making DS aware of this and if the legal framework is the same when he wants to have children, I hope that he'll do the mother of his kids the courtesy of giving her the highest level of financial protection. That means a wedding or a civil partnership. They can do it down the registry with two witnesses off the street if they like, but I'd like it to happen in that order.

Gardenpad · 31/08/2020 23:18

Why do you hope they are married before having kids? I think your reasons will reveal whether you are being old fashioned or not - even then who cares if you keep it to yourself.

LunaRabbit · 01/09/2020 01:40

I don't think it's old fashioned. It's pretty normal.

Thisismytimetoshine · 01/09/2020 01:44

Hardly old fashioned. Millions still do it every day. I find it bizarre to plan to have your children first so that they can go to your wedding 🤷🏻‍♀️

Scabetty · 01/09/2020 01:47

I would consider it old fashioned

sallyshirt · 01/09/2020 18:42

Not old fashioned.
Very sensible to get married first, particularly for the child-rearer of the couple.
Most people I know got married before having children - and very few divorces (so far).

Unmarried financially dependant (women mostly) get screwed over if they get separated - so marriage or civil partnership seems sensible.

Original poster
momtoboys · 03/09/2020 20:15

@Gardenpad

Why do you hope they are married before having kids? I think your reasons will reveal whether you are being old fashioned or not - even then who cares if you keep it to yourself.
I feel that being married, although it is no guarantee of happiness and as many say "just a piece of paper", shows a level of commitment to the relationship and eventually the family. I think it would be ideal to have that level of commitment before bringing children into the equation.

I would never tell them this and will be fine either way.

OP posts:
ThinkWittyThoughts · 03/09/2020 20:26

Marriage is a legal contract giving rights and responsibilities to each other and to any children.

I waddled up the aisle - having rebuffed all requests to wait until after the baby arrived - because we both wanted all three of us to be given as much legal protection as possible.

It's not old fashioned. It's realistic.