Is it incredibly old fashioned?

[momtoboys]

I have five sons. One early 20's two are 19 and one is 16 and one is 15.

Two of the older ones have girlfriends. One of them has been with the young lady for almost 4 years.

Is it incredibly uncool and old fashioned to hope that they get married and then have their children?

I find it odd that people want to commit to a lifetime responsibility like having kids together but don't want to commit to marriage - a legal/financial protection that I think is vital if you are thinking of having kids - the moral nonsense I'll leave behind.

It's very sensible to be married before children. I am often baffled when women say they have traditional men so can't propose to them, although the man isn't traditional enough to marry before moving in, having children, demanding the child takes their name.

Yes I would say it was old fashioned. I wouldn't care if my dc didn't get married before children. Or even get married at all.

I don't think it's old fashioned and I am 27 (so still considered fairly young, I hope).

I don't really understand the objection to marriage I suppose. If you plan to be together forever and have kids, why not sign a piece of paper?

I know some people are perfectly financially secure and able to raise children on their own but I am never sure how you know that you would always be that way when you are in your late 20s and early 30s which is typical childbearing years. Could Be different story if age 35-40. If my child had a child at 36 and wasn't married, I wouldn't mind as hopefully my child would be fairly established at that age.

To me yes but who cares what I think.

Old fashioned IMO, not bothered if my DC get married or not.

From a purely pragmatic perspective...

I have already started to have the conversation with my daughter about marriage and assets and understanding how has what. Given she will be entering a relationship in a good position she needs to be aware that this could be potentially shared if a marriage goes sour. Obviously I will tell my son the same.

I agree marriage protects women when all things are pretty equal but it's not necessarily the right choice for everyone.

Just to add I hope that if my DD has children before she gets married then the children have her name or a combination of both, but not just her partner's name. I think she would think about this as I think she likes her name

I'm early 40's but I am old fashioned and do silently judge people who have children without being married. I would hope my children marry first but I (hope) I wont say anything if they don't as it is completely their life.

@dicksplash - how do you know people aren't married if you don't ask them. People often assumed I am married and are surprised when they realise I'm not. I wouldn't know if a couple are married or not.

I hope my daughters are happy in life and financially independent.
I don’t think marriage is particularly ‘secure’ when you look at divorce rates. I also don’t think marriage equals commitment, so many people cheat these days.

I think it’s very old fashioned to assume your children will have children themselves. More and more people are choosing not to.

I’m 30, engaged and would never have children outside of marriage, I don’t care if that seems old fashioned, but marriage requires a certain level of commitment and gives legal rights that protect the children and each partner in the event of divorce or death etc, so I don’t see why it’s a bad thing to want that protection and commitment for your children and future grandchildren.

@dicksplash why do you judge? Why does it matter in the slightest?

I don't think it's old fashioned, but as I get older I realise, for the time being at least, I don't feel any need for my kids to get married or have kids if that's not what they want. I mean, either of those is at least a decade off for my oldest, but I'm surprised how little I feel about them 'achieving' those things as adults. I think my mum, well-meaningly, but perhaps wrong-headedly, kind of gave me the impression that I should be aiming for marriage and kids, and I don't actually want to say the same to my kids, especially DD. Honestly, there's a lot of research saying unmarried women are happier on the whole than married ones!

@BillywilliamV

I think that marriage demonstrates the right level of commitment to think about bringing up a child. If that is old-fashioned then I am old-fashioned.

This^. I am old-fashioned and religious so doubly in favor of marriage. Also in waiting a while before having children. Form a bond with your husband/wife and agree about the important things before the baby comes.

I have two teenaged daughters. I’d much prefer they married before having children.

It’s their call though.

Yes it's old fashioned but I also hope my children get married and then have kids. I believe it's a nice way of doing things and I also hope they wait before they have sex until they are older and in a proper relationship. I am under no illusion that I have absolutely no say in what they do and i would never ever judge them and would I hope 100% support all my children in their life decisions and would not push my views onto them.

There is nothing wrong with hoping for they will follow this path, just like there is nothing wrong with hoping the children get good grades and get good jobs.

@AuldFox

I think it’s very old fashioned to assume your children will have children themselves. More and more people are choosing not to.

Of course. I guess I should have been clearer. If they don't want to marry or have children I will be happy for their choices.

I don't think it's old fashioned to hope for the ideal OP...wise to not push it with DC though.

I'd have liked to have been married before having children. But...after a failed 15 year marriage my DP and I have decided time is not on our side so we will do baby first, marriage later.

Not old-fashioned, more like "eminently sensible if you know what you're doing".

Or do some people still harbour the delusion that "common law marriage" actually exists in English law (it doesn't: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage#England_and_Wales), and somehow confers any legal protection to unmarried partners and their offsprings?

Really unfair on the children to not offer them the full legal protection that marriage confers.

@brakethree well obviously if I know, I don't assume one way or another then judge based on assumptions. Some people I've known for years and so know if they are married or not.

Its personal choice of course but I do think before bringing children into the world there should be stability in a relationship and for most, marriage is a big part of a stable relationship. Marriage is a legal contract and provides vital protection for both parties in case of a split. I know there are many cases where women are the higher earner/own the home they live etc and so a marriage might actually favour their partner more but in many cases I have experienced it is the women who have come off worse in case of a split when they are not married.

@kaiserin so I am being unfair on my children not being married? HA! only on mumsnet 🤣🤣🤣

My thought would be that they are still young and I would chill out about it all.

I'm not sure I can judge legal matters, or much else, on coolness, but I don't think it's particularly old fashioned.

Personally, I'm not a big romantic and I view marriage as caring enough for a person to risk legally and financially themselves to ensure protection for someone else if the worst were to happen and enough at the time to want them to be protected even if one loathes them later. If, rather than marriage, one of my children went through the effort and extra expense to arrange something similar through other legal paperwork, that would be equally fine, but I agree that taking the time to try to get some security and stability before a child would for most be better. I would worry a bit particularly for my daughters if they chose a riskier option with far less protection.