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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd 17 and bf 17

26 replies

Andi2020 · 30/08/2020 16:06

What is normal when teenagers stay overnight with each other
My dd 17 bf 17 I let him stay the night and even he comes over to go home again they just head straight to her bedroom no hello goodbye nothing.
This was only 2nd time to stay over
I cooked them breakfast but they didn't even come out to eat it but then his mum messaged him that she would collect him at 1 and my dd to come over to them for dinner
I would hate if my dd went in their house and didn't speak to anyone
I think its rude but I don't know maybe this is normal
My dad has met all his family at different family events this month and she showed me photos of her with them.
How can I change what she does.
He comes over 2 a week straight to her bedroom without even hello.
I gave out today before he left and he actually came to kitchen door behind her and said bye and thanks but I don't want a bye if it is because I gave out.
This is first boy she ever even brought to house so it's all new to me and I think I try to hard buying them treats etc

OP posts:
Fortheloveofbob · 31/08/2020 10:51

It's pretty standard teen boy behaviour - super awkward to be around the parents of the girl you're seeing! My dad had a version of the below conversation with me RE the first boyfriend i had as a kid.

If i were you I'd speak to your daughter. Tell her you're really happy that she's met someone nice, and you're more than happy for them to hang out at your house, but that it's not a hotel and you do expect to be treated with respect. That includes popping into the room to say hi when he gets there, eating dinner and breakfast downstairs with other people, and saying thank you and goodbye. Basic manners. It's then up to her to encourage him to do that. Tell her you're not happy with the current situation, it makes you feel like your hospitality is being taken advantage of, and you don't want to keep having him in the house if the pair of them don't start treating you with a little more courtesy.

Bagelsandbrie · 31/08/2020 11:02

Well I guess we are all different but my dd is 17 and I wouldn’t dream of letting her have a boy stay over. Especially when I hadn’t really spent any time with him, it’s my bloody house! I’d expect them to come round for dinner, share a take away with me, become more part of the family etc. If she wants to have a sex life without them having to meet us she needs to move out or go to university.

NameChange84 · 31/08/2020 11:05

I’m with BagelsandBrie. He should have come round for dinner etc and you could have got to know him before the overnights started.

RobinlovesCormoran · 31/08/2020 11:16

I think the bf is being incredibly rude. I wouldn't put up with it. Stay over by all means, but show some manners to your host. Come down for meals at the very least, say please and thank you, acknowledge the host's existence.

AlternativePerspective · 31/08/2020 11:20

He’s being rude. I wouldn’t tolerate it and if I hadn’t met the person then I wouldn’t allow overnights at all.

It doesn’t matter if this is supposedly standard teen behaviour, it doesn’t appear to be among the teenagers I know, I know my DS wouldn’t behave like that and my nephews don’t, as they all have good relationships with their GFs’ families, so I would tell her that they either start being more sociable or there will be no more overnights.

And your DD is just as responsible IMO.

Mintjulia · 31/08/2020 11:30

They are both rude.

If they want breakfast, they would join me in the kitchen like anyone else. At 17 they should be able to manage that.

And I'd make sure he said hello and goodbye or he wouldn't be welcome back. Someone has to show them how to behave or they'll never be employable.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 31/08/2020 11:32

DS and his girlfriend eat with parents (us/hers), come down for breakfast at a reasonable time, interact with us, chat, etc. I'd be mortified if I thought DS was behaving like your DD's boyfriend when he goes to his DD's house but I know he's not.

We have also met her parents, been for a drink etc. All before any staying over was permitted.

Am interested by the "not under my roof" approach - I feel better knowing that they are safe rather than them feeling they have to be sneaking around behind our backs trying to grab an opportunity/doing it at some party or other, or in the back of a car somewhere.

AlternativePerspective · 31/08/2020 11:40

Tbh for me it wouldn’t so much be a case of “not under my roof” but with that attitude there’s no bloody way I’d be offering them a place to have sex if they couldn’t even pay me the courtesy of coming down for meals or saying hello/goodbye.

If they want a hotel they can bloody well pay for one.

Original poster
Andi2020 · 31/08/2020 15:57

I didn't say I never met him.
I have seen him
I have spoken to him
It's just it irritated me they where to go to a party but I didn't allow them and tried to go above and beyond to spoil them and they just stayed in the bedroom to eat
I brought them to town to collect a Chinese I paid for they went in and they headed straight to bedroom with bag.
I called them back to put on a plate off they went.
But it was the breakfast that really ragged me
My dd came up to make it but I said I would do it as I thought he would be going home alone. I later found out he was scrolling Instagram while I cooked.
I went off my rocker at my dd
I asked her when she went to his did they eat dinner in his room she said no they sat at table so at least my dd has manners.
I had a big argument with her and told her to go to his house from now on because I'm not putting up with that.
She said hes shy to adults but he will never get confidence if they stay In her room
I added up what I spent on them it was at least 60 pounds. For one night and then he got up and went home
They did carry me in a cup off tea but headed straight back to bedroom
It's not even for Intimacy but to watch movies.
They do have intimacy and I would rather they are safe at home
I even booked my DH and ds to cinema and went for a drive with dd came back to fryer on having cooked sausages and them just after a Chinese.

OP posts:
FunTimes2020 · 31/08/2020 17:22

I don't mean to be rude but the way you write doesn't make an awful lot of sense. You sound very young both in words and actions. Do you think you could maybe proof read before you post?

herrcomesthenamechanger · 31/08/2020 18:06

OP's messages make sense to me

OP you're doing too much for them. If they want to be treated like adults they need to act like adults. This includes responsibility for getting themselves to places and paying for their own take away (and not eating it in the bedroom)

SunshineCake · 31/08/2020 18:13

DS has been with his girlfriend for nearly two years and they wouldn't dream of coming into our home or leaving without saying hello and good bye. She doesn't sleep here but spends a nice amount of time here and is always friendly and polite.

Saying not saying hello or goodbye is typical teen behaviour is just wrong.

Original poster
Andi2020 · 31/08/2020 18:14

Thanks everyone for advice
I was thinking on letting her read through it tonight
@funtimes2020 if your not interested in reading my thread don't I'm not looking for criticism on my vocabulary
I am 49 she is my eldest, I don't know if this was normal behaviour or was it just me thought it rude.

OP posts:
TheSeedsOfADream · 31/08/2020 18:16

My DD is almost 17 and boyfriend staying over won't happen any time soon.
Given that that horse has bolted, you tell your daughter that the boyfriend is a guest in the family home, not a hotel.

Original poster
Andi2020 · 31/08/2020 19:24

@TheSeedsOfADream the only advice I'm asking is whether its rude to stay in room all the time and not eat at table.
Why to people have to put words like horse has bolted on the term making love it's a natural part off life that is not the issue.
I just,have them to spoilt but its stopping today
They are out with friends for dinner this evening and haven't seen her but told her on phone they can use his house for lounging around in for the foreseeable
We will see how long that lasts
Mums give me encouragement to carry this through to at least end off September Smile

OP posts:
JoanJosephJim · 31/08/2020 22:04

Ds1 is 17 doesn't have a girlfriend. But, never eats food in his bedroom, food is eaten around a dining table for dinner or lunch can be in the lounge in front of the tv. When he has had mates here depending on the food it was either at the dining table or in the lounge.

Does your DD usually eat in her room?

My friend has older children than me and her eldest son had a girlfriend (18) even if my friend answered the door to her, no hello, nothing, just pushed past her straight upstairs. Completely rude. Pissed her off to no end.

Your DD's boyfriend needs to learn some manners, I would invite him to dinner and it has to be eaten with the family. No hiding in bedrooms eating just the two of them. This is social etiquette surely. You don't ignore parents.

Rollergirl11 · 31/08/2020 22:17

Why didn’t you just say no to them eating in the bedroom? It doesn’t matter what we think. You think it’s rude (it is) do you should have just said no to them.

Original poster
Andi2020 · 31/08/2020 23:22

@Rollergirl11 I don't know what is normal for teenagers now a days she is my eldest.
That's why I wanted mums views that have more experience.

OP posts:
TheSeedsOfADream · 01/09/2020 09:17

Other posters have said the same as me so you might want to have a go at them as well.
And I've answered. No it's not normal.

Original poster
Andi2020 · 01/09/2020 11:22

@JoanJosephJim thanks for your reply..
At least going by your friends son and girlfriend it does sound a little like teenagers behaviour to stay in bedroom.

OP posts:
JoanJosephJim · 01/09/2020 11:35

Yes but was deemed unacceptable. It is just rude. My friend is from a big family, lots of the teens had relationships, none were as rude as her.

Like I said, invite him to dinner and tell your DD they have to eat at the table and converse.

I hate people eating stinky dinners in bedrooms. I think it is gross. I never even did it as a uni student.

AlternativePerspective · 01/09/2020 13:39

Food is banned from upstairs in my house. It’s not negotiable. Friend/gf/whoever else eating here? They eat at the table. The end.

ClarencesMum · 01/09/2020 13:41

They are not adults, it is not an adult relationship and I wouldn't be holding them to adult standards.

AlternativePerspective · 01/09/2020 14:11

If they’re adult enough to be having sex then they’re adult enough to display some bloody manners.

And it’s not adult standards to expect them to eat at the table. I would expect that of everyone...

Original poster
Andi2020 · 04/09/2020 19:05

She went over to his this evening so at least we can relax

I know fine well she will not ignore his parents.
And they will not get all the treats I got them over at his.
I said she can have him over but there would be no extra food bought they eat the same as us on a Saturday evening.
She had a stash load off treats in her bedroom which I have got her to take out for her brother and sister to share with her.

OP posts:
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