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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I can’t do this anymore

27 replies

Lonelylockdownlass · 18/08/2020 11:38

I’m mum to a 13yr old girl and 7 yr old boy

I run my own business, and have worked from home since March, it’s not an incredibly onerous job, but all responsibility falls on me.

My husband has, up until now, also worked from home.

I have home schooled the children and until 6pm at night, all of the parenting and entertainment is down to me.

This week my husband has returned to work and my daughter has turned into a typical teen. Stroppy, disinterested, scornful.

Today we were due to go out for pancakes at a nice restaurant that we only go occasionally as a treat. On our way the car broke down and we had to stop. As we set of walking my daughter said ‘why don’t we goanother day, no one but you wants to go anyway’ she had previously wanted to go.

I ignored the sullenness and know that she is MUCH nicer once fed, so continued walking. She then began muttering you my son about how I only ever do things I want to do and how I never listen to her.

I’m so upset writing this, because I have t done ANYTHING for myself in six months. It’s all been about the kids.

As we continued the walk she got more verbal with me and I admit to losing it. I got hold of her arms (a really stupid thing to do, I didn’t hurt her at all, I wanted to make her look me in the eyes) and shouted at her about how selfish she was being, this was supposed to be a treat and she’s ruining it. I’m so disappointed in myself for acting like this. I’m normally do good at letting her comments slide past me, though for the past few days we have had run-ins about her attitude. She screamed at me how scared she is of me Sad

My daughter then walked home and my son started telling me how un-hungry he was and how scared he was Too. So we turned and went home.

I text my husband to say I’ve reached the end of my tether and can’t do this anymore and he replied ‘I’ll ask mum to have them for a day’

I’m so disappointed and angry at him. He is able to work without a single care about anyone except himself.

I’m now sat alone in a room, my daughter is in her room and my poor son is alone downstairs. I just can’t find it in myself to care, and that makes me feel awful.

I don’t know what to do.

I have been an apologised to my daughter. I’ve told her that I’m doing a terrible job of being her mum at the moment and I shouldn’t have laid hands on her. She just scrolled through tiktok videos on her phone like I didn’t exist.

I don’t even know what I want from this post. Someone to talk to I guess.

OP posts:
Gentl3menJack · 18/08/2020 11:48

Employ the toddler angle - ignore bad behaviour, reward good. I would have remained calm, allowed her to walk off, convinced son to go for pancakes and asked if she had anything to say to me when we got home. I would give her one, short chance and then I would remove her phone. Preferably all done calmly. I wouldn't apologise to her until she had accepted that she had done wrong because this was a more extreme example of bad behaviour.

Original poster
Lonelylockdownlass · 18/08/2020 11:52

Thank you

I totally agree that’s what should have happened, and normally would happen. Though recently I’ve been getting more upset and annoyed with her attitude than I should.

I’ve totally blown it havent I? These children are going to believe that I can’t be trusted.

OP posts:
snowbam · 18/08/2020 11:55

Hi

You really need to stop being hard on yourself

This covid and doing it all falling onto often just Mums is really really stressful.

You lost it .. you are human .. you have apologised.

Move on.

Try to take time out.

I don't really have any further advice. But can only emphasise.

chickenyhead · 18/08/2020 11:59

teenagers suck. Its their right. But its hard.

Be kind to yourself.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/08/2020 12:00

It sounds like you think you are doing things for the kids but actually maybe your dd doesn't want to do some of the things you have planned. Why don't you ask her to pick something she wants to go and do? Being 13 she probably doesn't want to go do anything.
They are not scared of you. If she is being cheeky and screaming back at you she is not scared, just being dramatic.

Original poster
Lonelylockdownlass · 18/08/2020 12:21

Thank you for replying

Dd really wanted to go for pancakes, she was really excited when I suggested it, and leapt up to get dressed. But I guess that changed at some point.

Thank you for listening

OP posts:
Endeavormorse · 18/08/2020 12:26

I’d be removing her phone until she apologised. She’s a still child and shouldn’t get to talk to you like shit.

BluebellsGreenbells · 18/08/2020 12:30

I wouldn’t remove the phone. The natural consequence is being ignored until she apologizes to you.

You can tell her this, so she knows what’s expected. Give her some space.

You are allowed to be cross and it doesn’t harm for her to know she crossed that line. As a one off it won’t be damaging.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/08/2020 12:31

It might seem like I am minimising your experience OP but to me your fall-out with your daughter is nothing unusual, and is to be expected with teenagers, you've apologised and now it's time to move on.

Your DH being an unsupportive arse is what the problem is.

Lollypop701 · 18/08/2020 12:42

You don’t have a teenager problem, you sound completely normal. You do have a dh problem.. you need to allocate him jobs and stop letting him be a lazy arse

Original poster
Lonelylockdownlass · 18/08/2020 12:46

DH is now on his way home because I have told him I’m done.

The issue with dd is that she says ‘you always blame me, I’m always doing things wrong, you never listen to me’ and that hurts

I do try and listen; I make time every evening for the two of us to sit together and watch her favourite programme, without anyone else around, and I try and arrange things that she has expressed an interest in.

I don’t know how to deal with her behaviour without her thinking I’m having a go at her, or ‘always being right’ something else she accuses me of.

I’m sorry this post is so maudlin and me,me,me. I just have nowhere else to turn

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelylockdownlass · 18/08/2020 12:47

dh isn’t lazy at all, he ensures the littlest is read to every night and helps clear up after dinner.

He’s just a fairly passive parent. And is able to be the ‘fun’ one as he’s never here

OP posts:
merryhouse · 18/08/2020 13:11

You've apologised to her, which is more than a lot of parents do.

Now just continue. Normal life. If she brings up the incident, say something like "yes, I behaved badly there didn't I? I'll try to find a way to avoid these frustrations"

and then do so, which is easier said than done Grin

Rosa · 18/08/2020 13:17

Today she is scared of you tomorrow she will hate you for folding her washing the wrong way . Instead of saying she didn't want to walk and she was annoyed that the car had broken down she used teenager grumpy blame the world , well actually mum as its not her fault but I might as well blame her. You apologised for shouting at her, did she apologise for being rude ? DOn't be guilty just carry on , if you go back on it with her she will milk it !!! Maybe make pancakes for tea ?

22WR · 18/08/2020 21:01

I came on to post something similar actually OP. I have a teenage daughter and a toddler son and I feel like all I do is argue with her. At this age, it's really hard to try and find things they want to do and so when you do and they throw them back at you, it stings doubly. I think I've come to realise that the only thing she responds to is removal of the things she likes the most - her phone, time with her boyfriend, Netflix etc. Despite this there are still many times that I lose my cool and end up raising my voice, much to my regret.

It's even harder when you're trying to juggle another child as the behaviour of one so easily spoils the day for the other. I end up feeling "what's the point in trying to plan nice things." But when my daughter has a face on her, I try and block it out and carry on regardless if we're on a nice day out. Sometimes she comes around and joins in, others not. It hurts but I'm not sure what else that can be done.

As awful as this may sound, I think it might not be a bad thing for your OH and your daughter to see that actually you won't be trampled on and treated like that, and that you do have a breaking point. If I've ever gotten upset during such arguments / conversations, my daughter has seemed quite shocked to see that actually I'm trying! And that all I'm trying to do is ensure everyone is happy!

Don't beat yourself up. Tomorrow is a new day, and if she's anything like my daughter, she'll not apologise or acknowledge any wrongdoing but will casually offer a cup of tea.

Original poster
Lonelylockdownlass · 19/08/2020 10:44

Thank you for taking the time to post. It helps to know there are others in this situation

I think my main feeling is hurt. Hurt that I give, give, give often to the detriment of myself, and yet I’m considered selfish by those I love most.

I need to thicken my skin I think

OP posts:
Valkadin · 19/08/2020 10:51

Teens can be massive arseholes, they are a swirling tornado of hormones and are still dc but trying to assert themselves. Their immature brains just can’t keep up with their growth.

On a positive note your DD feels secure enough to be stroppy. I grew up in a very abusive household, we would have got a severe sustained beating for even one word spoken back. So both myself and my sisters all have MH issues, some diagnosed and some in denial.

corythatwas · 19/08/2020 13:23

I’m so upset writing this, because I have t done ANYTHING for myself in six months. It’s all been about the kids.

And there is your mistake right there. Your subconscious will be seething (very understandably) with a sense of injustice, they will feel vaguely uncomfortable, nobody is made happier by this habit, and eventually of course you explode.

There is a reason for the old saying "nobody loves a martyr". It is easy to get into the mindset that everything has to be for the children, to the point where you can't admit that you'd actually quite like to do things because they are nice for you too.

Everybody would be much happier if you could cultivate a cheerful aura of "of course we sometimes do nice things for my sake- I'm a person too, aren't I?". Pull your daughter up on obvious rudeness, turn a deaf ear to mutterings- remember you have nothing to feel guilty about.

If everything has to be presented as a sacrifice you make for the children, it really isn't very nice for anyone. Get them to understand that just occasionally there is nothing wrong with them making a sacrifice for you. Of course, that also means they don't have to pretend it's for their benefit. They just have to go along and be moderately polite. A better way to confront your daughter might have been "Yup, that's it. We take it in turns to have treats in this family and today is mine: I'm really looking forward to these pancakes!"

I have found a good general rule of thumb is to not give in so much of your own wishes that you later end up resenting them. Try to restrict yourself to a level that will still allow you to be a cheerful giver.

Enlist your husband too, just to use language that reminds everybody that we all get a treat from time to time and today it's mum's time.

corythatwas · 19/08/2020 13:25

Hurt that I give, give, give often to the detriment of myself

You need to remember that this is your choice: you can't hold them responsible for that.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 19/08/2020 14:11

Definitely start doing things for yourself. It's not your kids' fault that you prioritise them over you and it won't be good for them. Do things that make you happy and it will make you all happy. Plus, when they are ungrateful, it won't sting so much. Your DD will be fine - she shouldn't get away with being so rude and you were right to show her that she had crossed a line.

janetmendoza · 19/08/2020 14:32

Get them to understand that just occasionally there is nothing wrong with them making a sacrifice for you. Of course, that also means they don't have to pretend it's for their benefit. They just have to go along and be moderately polite. A better way to confront your daughter might have been "Yup, that's it. We take it in turns to have treats in this family and today is mine: I'm really looking forward to these pancakes!"

I have found a good general rule of thumb is to not give in so much of your own wishes that you later end up resenting them. Try to restrict yourself to a level that will still allow you to be a cheerful giver.
This above is great! I'm going to do more of it.

Mumoftwo1994 · 19/08/2020 14:40

@Lonelylockdownlass

I’m mum to a 13yr old girl and 7 yr old boy

I run my own business, and have worked from home since March, it’s not an incredibly onerous job, but all responsibility falls on me.

My husband has, up until now, also worked from home.

I have home schooled the children and until 6pm at night, all of the parenting and entertainment is down to me.

This week my husband has returned to work and my daughter has turned into a typical teen. Stroppy, disinterested, scornful.

Today we were due to go out for pancakes at a nice restaurant that we only go occasionally as a treat. On our way the car broke down and we had to stop. As we set of walking my daughter said ‘why don’t we goanother day, no one but you wants to go anyway’ she had previously wanted to go.

I ignored the sullenness and know that she is MUCH nicer once fed, so continued walking. She then began muttering you my son about how I only ever do things I want to do and how I never listen to her.

I’m so upset writing this, because I have t done ANYTHING for myself in six months. It’s all been about the kids.

As we continued the walk she got more verbal with me and I admit to losing it. I got hold of her arms (a really stupid thing to do, I didn’t hurt her at all, I wanted to make her look me in the eyes) and shouted at her about how selfish she was being, this was supposed to be a treat and she’s ruining it. I’m so disappointed in myself for acting like this. I’m normally do good at letting her comments slide past me, though for the past few days we have had run-ins about her attitude. She screamed at me how scared she is of me Sad

My daughter then walked home and my son started telling me how un-hungry he was and how scared he was Too. So we turned and went home.

I text my husband to say I’ve reached the end of my tether and can’t do this anymore and he replied ‘I’ll ask mum to have them for a day’

I’m so disappointed and angry at him. He is able to work without a single care about anyone except himself.

I’m now sat alone in a room, my daughter is in her room and my poor son is alone downstairs. I just can’t find it in myself to care, and that makes me feel awful.

I don’t know what to do.

I have been an apologised to my daughter. I’ve told her that I’m doing a terrible job of being her mum at the moment and I shouldn’t have laid hands on her. She just scrolled through tiktok videos on her phone like I didn’t exist.

I don’t even know what I want from this post. Someone to talk to I guess.

She's lucky that you take so much crap from her, I would have gotten a slap or worse if I even attempted to be moody. This wasn't a good way to be parented believe me, I'm still in the mind set of keeping everything in but maybe remind her that yes she's growing up and has mood swings but she can't treat you like a punching bag.
RandomMess · 19/08/2020 17:52

Your DH needs to stop being passive and start being a better parent too. Why haven't you had a day off in all this time, why couldn't he have them for one day most weekends so you could focus solely on your job and him do a day homeschool etc?

I am not surprised you are burnt out.

It will ruin your DD to discover you have a limit and it has been reached, it creates a boundary.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2020 18:03

My dd is exactly the same. Changing between child and adult constantly. Asking for stuff like pancakes and then denouncing it as childish.

Cuddles one night, next morning ‘l hate this house!’

I try to go with the good times and ignore the shite

lljkk · 19/08/2020 21:05

is your car fixed now, OP?

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