Struggling with 17 year old

[Petronas]

I'm struggling with ds at the moment, he has mild AS, I don't think he's depressed.

With lockdown the house is always a state, teen is always eating and clean up is always a nagging session. Self study has been a challenge, school decided not to bother chasing work, so ds took the easy route and didn't do it - doesn't see the point, teachers don't mark it anyway, won't tell me what he's done as he's an adult now. Has become increasingly hostile, I am wrong about everything - he speaks to me with utter contempt, his arrogance is growing by the day and he is becoming increasingly hard to like.
He's done some pretty dangerous things around the house, which have been very close to causing a fire (would have done had we not been there to stop him) but thinks we are being ridiculous to mention them, so we can't even leave him alone in the house for very long.
I simply can't wait for him to go back to school - he is never going to pass his A levels at this rate, even if he did independent living seems to be a step too far - he's so immature, leaves everything to the last minute, misses deadlines, does work in a half arsed way.

He sounds similar to my 16 year old who has recently been diagnosed. It is so hard when they are considered high functioning yet struggle with so much.
The paediatrician did say they is no such thing as mild asd, and the high functioning thing just means no learning disabilities. Unfortunately this mean a lack of support for a lot of people with asd and their daily struggles.
I can't see my dd ever being able to live independently and it's a constant worry

First of all, he's not an adult, so you can nip that in the bud.

What is your response to his hostile behaviour? Is there another adult in the house?

First of all, he's not an adult, so you can nip that in the bud.

How do you suggest I do that?

@Foobydoo

He sounds similar to my 16 year old who has recently been diagnosed. It is so hard when they are considered high functioning yet struggle with so much. The paediatrician did say they is no such thing as mild asd, and the high functioning thing just means no learning disabilities. Unfortunately this mean a lack of support for a lot of people with asd and their daily struggles. I can't see my dd ever being able to live independently and it's a constant worry

To be honest - most people would not notice his ASD - he has learned how to get through a lot of social situations. The Covid thing, the lack of school structure has been crushing for his motivation - he was expected to get A*AA in his A' levels - he has no hope now. The wanting independence and responsibility but not really being ready for it, it's a real battle of wills.

@Petronas

First of all, he's not an adult, so you can nip that in the bud.

How do you suggest I do that?

When he says "i don't have to tell you xyz because I'm an adult" remind him that he's not. He's 17, he's a child living in your house and he must show you respect.

Have you had any guidance on dealing with his ASD? Standardly for an arrogant, disrespectful teen i would be making all extras (phone contract, games console, wifi overnight etc) contingent on good behaviour and instigating a strict chore regimen.

Standardly for an arrogant, disrespectful teen i would be making all extras (phone contract, games console, wifi overnight etc) contingent on good behaviour and instigating a strict chore regimen. You'd run with this routine at 17 years old?

I can see where he gets his stubborn streak from.
Why post if you are going to object to every reply ?

@Redshoeblueshoe

I can see where he gets his stubborn streak from. Why post if you are going to object to every reply ?

I've had have questioned one poster - that's not every reply.

Firstly I would say pick your battles.

Tidiness is a major thing in my house too (my DS is also seventeen), so the middle ground is that the house, kitchen, lounge etc needs to not be in a state, what he does in his own bedroom is his choice and I don’t go in there. Food is banned upstairs though.

Secondly food, teens eat a lot. It’s what they do. So see what you can have in that he wants to eat.

Attitude, while he lives in your house, then he doesn’t speak to you “like that,” his mobile phone contract can easily be cancelled, or in the case of mine, the data can be reduced to 0 as we’re all on the same plan so data can be moved between accounts. If he doesn’t like it, then he can have whichever contract he can afford,otherwise he can quit the attitude.

@ Redshoeblueshoe it’s really not always that simple with teens.

There are things you can do. Removal of mobile phone contracts and things you’re paying for. If there are parental controls on the WiFi then you can set a time limit so they switch off at a certain time of night, although you need to do that in conjunction with phone removal or they’ll just use their data.

At seventeen though he’s too old to have his games console confiscated, assuming he actually has one. And sometimes the battle to get a teenager to comply is worse than the battle when he’s not.

Bearing in mind this is lockdown so everyone has to co-exist a lot closer to each other.

At this point it’s very important to pick your battles.

@Petronas

Standardly for an arrogant, disrespectful teen i would be making all extras (phone contract, games console, wifi overnight etc) contingent on good behaviour and instigating a strict chore regimen. You'd run with this routine at 17 years old?

Well, i did this with mine from when they outgrew the naughty step up until they left home - any shitty behaviour was met with removal of privileges. If you've generally let bad behaviour slide before this is going to be a really tough adjustment for all of you, but it needs to happen.

If you're paying for his phone and he treats you badly, cancel his contract. If he has a games consol and he's disrespectful, take it away. If he's using the wifi overnight and he's refusing to do his schoolwork, unplug the router and take it with you to bed.

Bottom line - if he refuses to behave like a decent member of the household, he doesn't get the privileges of being part of the household.

If you've generally let bad behaviour slide before this is going to be a really tough adjustment for all of you, but it needs to happen.
We've not had bad behaviour or a crappy attitude until the last couple of months - not saying he was perfect, but he was well behaved, polite and heard working (with school work) - but the crappy attitude is a new thing, even his twin sister who usually supports him in everything has become increasingly frustrated with his attitude.

@Petronas

If you've generally let bad behaviour slide before this is going to be a really tough adjustment for all of you, but it needs to happen. We've not had bad behaviour or a crappy attitude until the last couple of months - not saying he was perfect, but he was well behaved, polite and heard working (with school work) - but the crappy attitude is a new thing, even his twin sister who usually supports him in everything has become increasingly frustrated with his attitude.

OK, then sanctions shouldn't be too tough to implement.

If i were you, I'd sit down with him and say that you're not happy with his behaviour and you need it to change. Outline what you want to see and what isn't acceptable, and tell him what the consequences will be. Agree to a clean slate and move forward with the new rules.

yes agree with the others, it's time for tough love, removal of privileges and teen toys like phones and consoles and stopping money supply. that usually does the trick but you have to be strong and stay calm.

he's not an adult at 17! for goodness sake have you not told him that and pointed out adults are over 18, typically live independently of their parents and earn their own money for starters.

of course just like toddlers, teen tantrums are quite traumatic, but on a much more epic scale. very important that you remain the calm rational adult whilst they are screaming it's not fair and possibly throwing things about

Agree with pick your battles.

My 17 year old has done little work - I think it’s very difficult for these teenagers with lockdown and missing school. Also missing out on the independence of making mistakes, enjoying the freedom and many other things 17 year olds get to experience without lock down. What we all got to experience before expected to be adults!
I’ve notice the grumbling/attitude/frustrations increased especially now returning to school is impending. Realisation that work needs to be complete and the do anything but work going on.

Other than choose your battles, I shut the bedroom door so not to look at the state of the bedroom. And offers to sit and go through school work together without the nagging be supportive rather than reactive. I don’t see the point of removing phone /electronics that creates a bigger argument - i do that for my 10 year old my 17 should know how to limit themselves (doesn’t mean they always get it right but it’s theirs to learn)
And if anything like mine hide the lighters....then you won’t find a candle burning when they’d gone out for the day ffs

The games console was jointly bought by my two teens - how do I ban one and not the other? What do you do if you have more than one child who uses the games console?
We don't know how to change the wifi password - it's a complicated system, with extenders etc, could turn off the router but we need wifi for work.
Have spent the past two weeks trying to get access to his phone account, the passwords were wiped and there seems to be a bug with the reset email and due to Covid there is no helpline.

@Petronas

The games console was jointly bought by my two teens - how do I ban one and not the other? What do you do if you have more than one child who uses the games console? We don't know how to change the wifi password - it's a complicated system, with extenders etc, could turn off the router but we need wifi for work. Have spent the past two weeks trying to get access to his phone account, the passwords were wiped and there seems to be a bug with the reset email and due to Covid there is no helpline.

OP I'm gonna be honest, it seems like you're just making excuses to avoid dealing with the fact that you've got an entitled, arrogant, disrespectful young man on your hands.

OP I'm gonna be honest, it seems like you're just making excuses to avoid dealing with the fact that you've got an entitled, arrogant, disrespectful young man on your hands. I can see why you'd want to see it that way!😂

@Petronas

OP I'm gonna be honest, it seems like you're just making excuses to avoid dealing with the fact that you've got an entitled, arrogant, disrespectful young man on your hands. I can see why you'd want to see it that way!😂

...it makes zero difference to me whatsoever. You're the one who has to live with him. If you don't want to do the hard work, don't do it. But don't expect him to improve by himself.

I was asking how you deal with the practicalities of the ban on Games consoles, internet etc, when there are more than one user in the house - if you can't help that's ok to you know.😃

@Petronas

I was asking how you deal with the practicalities of the ban on Games consoles, internet etc, when there are more than one user in the house - if you can't help that's ok to you know.😃

You tell your son he isn't allowed to game, and you let your other child continue as usual. Set a password if needs be.

Unplug the router overnight and take it to bed with you, and remove devices if you can't cancel the contracts.

He is grumpy because his brain is rewiring, the world is in this semi lockdown/not lockdown, the adults who are in charge are giving mixed messages all the time, likely there is work he should have done but he hasn't, being a toddler and getting shouted at has a sense of normality, and he is 17 and he isn't the only one like this.

I think you can't do anything about the tech but perhaps in a situation such as sitting side by side in a car going somewhere you could bring up what school might look like in September, does he want to look at any unis virtually. Food is a huge motivator so I have resorted to being Mum of the century by making pancakes &bacon etc. Once they are in a good mood then you can lay a couple of ground rules that really matter. Mine ( the non ASD one) was AWFUL in the run up to his 18 th. i think he thought that he was going to be an adult and it was very scary for him. One minute he wanted to be independent and got in a right strop if I had to get him up for work, the next he was hugging me and wanting to play with his Lego. He dramatically improved once he got to 19. The ASD one is easier in some ways because we have to do a lot for him but he is brilliant at housework.

He is grumpy because his brain is rewiring He went through a similar stage when he was 8/9 and then again at 13. Lasted 1-2 months and then he went back to being perfectly lovely - I am just so not used to teens behaving this way.
He wants to go to University but he doesn't know what he wants to study - he loves French but doesn't want to do a degree it it - he just wants to speak it (which he does already) and live there of course.
It's hard to know sometimes whether it's his ASD, I know it gets triggered with changes and lack of structure (Covid would certainly fit in here) and he has taken a few developmental leaps recently - I've noticed him becoming a lot more socially confident - which is good - he needed to increase his confidence, it's possible he has overshot on this and needs to taper down his attitude a bit.

R.The WiFi. My DH has an app on his phone that enables him to disconnect individual devices from the WiFi, rather than turn it off completely. That’s really helped us when our two are spending too much time online. I’ll find out the name later and post.