Struggling with 17 year old

[Petronas]

I'm struggling with ds at the moment, he has mild AS, I don't think he's depressed.

With lockdown the house is always a state, teen is always eating and clean up is always a nagging session. Self study has been a challenge, school decided not to bother chasing work, so ds took the easy route and didn't do it - doesn't see the point, teachers don't mark it anyway, won't tell me what he's done as he's an adult now. Has become increasingly hostile, I am wrong about everything - he speaks to me with utter contempt, his arrogance is growing by the day and he is becoming increasingly hard to like.
He's done some pretty dangerous things around the house, which have been very close to causing a fire (would have done had we not been there to stop him) but thinks we are being ridiculous to mention them, so we can't even leave him alone in the house for very long.
I simply can't wait for him to go back to school - he is never going to pass his A levels at this rate, even if he did independent living seems to be a step too far - he's so immature, leaves everything to the last minute, misses deadlines, does work in a half arsed way.

He is grumpy because his brain is rewiring And I think this fits in with his flakiness - with risky activities around the house feel more like he just isn't thinking clearly. He did mention to me a month or two ago that he felt he has brain fog - I did briefly contemplate drug use but I think on balance not.

@AmICrazyorWhat2

R.The WiFi. My DH has an app on his phone that enables him to disconnect individual devices from the WiFi, rather than turn it off completely. That’s really helped us when our two are spending too much time online. I’ll find out the name later and post.

Thank you. I think that's the big gun solution atm but it's an option I'd like to keep in my hip pocket.

I think also his peer group (some of them) will be indulging in some more risky behaviours (or talking about them, if not actually doing them) and that can be scary too working out where you fir in the tribe without taking risks. Social media can also be a big grump making factor plus he is full of raging hormones. I found this age really hard - suddenly going out, pushing some boundaries, friends driving them places...eeek! I actually find it harder parenting the incompetent adult child that parenting them when younger.

@Flyingarcher

I think also his peer group (some of them) will be indulging in some more risky behaviours (or talking about them, if not actually doing them) and that can be scary too working out where you fir in the tribe without taking risks. Social media can also be a big grump making factor plus he is full of raging hormones. I found this age really hard - suddenly going out, pushing some boundaries, friends driving them places...eeek! I actually find it harder parenting the incompetent adult child that parenting them when younger.

I agree I parented the primary school child like a pro but the giving them an inch and allowing them to grow to take small risks, to fail, to learn for themselves, to not step in everytime when that is exactly what you want to do...he needs to grow up and learn adult skills - he wants to but he's heading down the wrong route! Normally I have enormous influence over him - he actively seeks and takes my advice. This adversarial situation is not good for any of us in the family and I'd like to fix it with diplomacy rather than the nuclear button as I'm not convinced I can influence effectively from enemy lines.

Interesting chat with ds - it seems that the source of his bad attitude was resentment that his sister had got off her arse and applied for her license in good time and was learning how to drive and he delayed his application, which has set him back a couple of months - oddly it seems I was getting the blame, because I was taking dd out and being very enthusiastic about her learning - he has acknowledged it was not my fault - attitude has now gone - he even seems to be cleaning up.

But it gave us an idea, the natural consequences (which we prefer to unrelated punishment) of him not catching up on his school work is that he will not have time for a distraction like driving lessons, so until he has caught up there will be no lessons - so he's back to studying and everything is calm and lovely in our house again.

Bloody teenagers can be complicated buggers! And note to self again - all is not always what is seems when it comes teens.

@Petronas So glad it is sorted. This is exactly what DS2 would be like. I always know he hasn't done something he should have and then someone has said 'where is the work, form, stuff' because he is arsey as hell. It has improved as he has got older but you are right, mood things aren't automatically drugs, doom, gloom - it can be a friend not liking their picture or someone else being a tosser in their lives. You sould like it is sorted. Well done!

@Sayitagainwhydontyou I like the idea of sleeping with the router! ...going to unplug right away.
Similar situation here with our 15yr ds. Very very difficult but DS have special needs (sever adhd) but I am very interested to know how you would deal with Instagram private chat? We confiscated the phone but he still has a laptop and uses it to chat to his friends on Instagram private chat, organising to meet, and worst (!) buy weed! He is so disorganised that he left his chat open and DH saw the whole thing so we know what he is up to. I cant remove the computer as he needs it for school. All material is online and internet base. What do I do with that?

I feel like deleting his Instagram account (anyway I think it is illegal at their age), anyone has done that? Will need to research how.... nothing else's left to take away, he does whatever the hell he wants with or without stuff 😔