Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Tired and Defeated Single Mum of Teens

39 replies

kitchensinkdrama · 14/08/2020 19:03

I'm a single mum with no extended family at all. I am deeply ashamed to admit I have secretly begun to despise my lazy, selfish foul mouthed teenagers. Boy 14 and girl 13. They hate each other too, always fighting - even in public, at nice restaurants, in shops, on holiday, at friends houses, everywhere in fact. They do no schoolwork, despite being very smart, are always in detention, and are falling behind in every subject. They don't listen to a word I say. Their rooms are so filthy with blood stained knickers under the bed and curdled mugs of milk on their book shelves. I love them so much and try everything I can to get them to understand how stressful it is for me to be living in a war zone, but they genuinely don't care. They both see their school counsellor and even during lockdown, the school was brilliant and they had sessions over the phone. Really though, it makes no real change. I've tried removing privileges such as wifi and 'grounding' them, but the fact is they have no respect for me or my rules and will only ever unite if it's against me. Then the name calling starts. I've begun to feel really depressed. I am ashamed to say I wish I had never had kids.

OP posts:
Spero · 14/08/2020 19:12

I am so sorry, it sounds really hard. I won't pretend I have even come close to this; my 15 year old has been pretty good mostly.

You say they are seeing the school counsellor, so I appreciate there may be some more serious back story here and my 'advice' may not cut it.

One thing though that did help me - I give my daughter a monthly allowance and expect her to do things to 'earn it' - like clean out the guinea pigs. If she doesn't then I deduct the money from the allowance and keep it for myself. This stops me feeling resentful when I clean out the bloody guinea pigs as I effectively get paid for it. And it usually means she does it!

Would something like that help? In other words, don't expect them to 'care' - its a difficult age, they will be stroppy and testing boundaries.

So set them and make them clear and with clear consequences for breach. Name calling and disrespect isn't acceptable on any level.

And hope that this isn't a long term thing. I hope it gets better - but one of the only things you can effectively control is your reaction to this.

kitchensinkdrama · 14/08/2020 19:37

Spero,
Thank you, that was such a kind reply.
I'll give the pocket money thing a go (I've done similar before, it hasn't worked), but I feel so under confident in myself as a mum now, I think they are taking full advantage of my exhaustion.
I'll try again to be firmer.

OP posts:
Spero · 14/08/2020 21:45

I don't advise you try it because it will work miracles, it may not. But hopefully it will make you feel less defeated and miserable. Boundaries are probably just as important for you.

My mum told me that she kept telling herself that we didn't ask to be born every time me and my brothers were being horrible.

I hope you can all get through this.

iloverock · 14/08/2020 21:48

I sympathise. I have 2 teenage boys and all they are doing at the moment is fighting. I don't like them very much at the moment.

They argue over everything. It's draining.

I wonder why I bothered.

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 14/08/2020 21:58

I can hear the sadness in your post.

Is it possible for you to find some time for yourself? I think as a single mum your focus is so much on them that they can abuse this, and take you and your love for granted.

If they’re fed, safe, loved and provided for them you have done and are doing your duty. Chances are they’ll be fine, they’re just going through vile phases - take some time for yourself and their horrible behaviour will be less important to you. You don’t even have to leave the house for this if that’s difficult, withdrawing into a project you’re interested in or an interest you’d like to pursue will highlight to them that actually you do have a life beyond them.

If they’re nicer to you, you can then choose to spend time with them if you want to.

kitchensinkdrama · 15/08/2020 16:01

Iloverock and ifeelmuchlessfat

I'm still getting the hang of this, seem to have posted in the wrong threads. Sorry. Here's what I wrote to you.

Hello. Yes, I do feel sad, it's true. I think maybe the kids feel sad as well and are just taking it all out on me and I'm not responding as well as I ought to (shouting a lot, drinking too much, locking my bedroom door to calm down when they are screaming at one another. I've high blood pressure and am on medications for panic). I work on a zero hours contract, 12 hr shifts, so time and money are very tight. I don't know what the solution is, realistically and rationally, but it's good to have this space to talk without judgement to such smart and experienced other mums.

OP posts:
LirBan · 15/08/2020 16:07

I have days like that. I wasnt meant to have 100% of the responsibility. It is so hard.

My kids only unite to plot against me too.
I think of all the things i could be doing if i dint have kids.

How long do you turn off the wifi for?

BingoGo · 15/08/2020 16:12

Oh, OP. I don't have any advice as my kids are still babies. But I am sorry for how tough it is for you right now. It's completely understandable that you feel that way. If it's any consolation, my brother and I used to fight like cat and dog but as we grew up it stopped and we are close now.

Parrish · 15/08/2020 16:13

That is brilliant advice from ifeelmuchlessfat

millmoo · 15/08/2020 16:20

I have two teens and they fight like cat and dog sometimes . Usually I ignore it and stay out of it but it can be absolutely draining and you feel like piggy in the middle. Could you sit them down (say one night when you’re having tea ) and explain the impact this is having on you. Ask them why they continually fight with one and other and what their issues are. You also have to take control. You have to show them you mean business and you are the boss. Say what you mean and mean what you say ! If you take one of their phones off of them or switch of the WiFi make sure you do it for a day or something not just a few hours . You have to stick by your guns and no means no . I know how hard it is I have brought my DD’s up for the last 10 years on my own and it’s not easy especially when you’re on a limited income.

LirBan · 15/08/2020 16:36

It has got slightly better in the last 3 yesrs.

I have gone nuclear a few times. Taken modem to work.

kitchensinkdrama · 15/08/2020 16:36

Hey LirBan,
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with being an unexpectedly single mum to teens too - In my experience, it's not an easy, joyous or even respected position to find oneself in.
I can't pretend I'm handling things very well and I wish I was able to be firmer - in which case, I'd turn it all off at say 11pm. Thing is I get so tired and they sort of wear me down. Then they start calling me names

OP posts:
kitchensinkdrama · 15/08/2020 16:49

Hey BinGo,
Thank you - and I'm glad to hear it!
I just feel anxious. Maybe because my parents are dead and my sister and I haven't spoken in years, so I don't want my two to wind up alienated like me, struggling through lonely Christmases and birthdays. Yes, I am aware I may be dumping my 'stuff' on to them and I really hope this is just my own anxiety. Thing is the elder one (boy, 14), tells me in quiet moments that he really doesn't like living with his sister and wants her to live with her father. She balks at the idea.

OP posts:
kitchensinkdrama · 15/08/2020 16:51

Thank you Millmoo. x

OP posts:
kitchensinkdrama · 15/08/2020 16:53

Feeling this x

OP posts:
kitchensinkdrama · 15/08/2020 17:03

LirBan,
I returned earlier from a trip out with the kids. Was mean to be an afternoon picnic, just us, wild swimming and a walk in the park....Ended up with me tiptoe-ing through minefields and the three of us dodging bullets and retreating home after about 40 minutes! That's my day off. I work on zero hours so am on call (desperately need the money) on Sunday onwards. I want to send them to shower/bath, open a bottle of wine and watch Netflix. I know that is WRONG.

OP posts:
Turquoisesea · 15/08/2020 17:04

I really feel for you, my DD (12) and DS (15) argue constantly too and it is so draining. I agree with taking time for yourself if possible, easier said than done though I know. I’ve no real advice as my 2 can be really rude and disrespectful but you aren’t alone. Teenagers can be so awful and can test the patience of a saint plus you are doing it with no support. Just remember you are doing the best you can and this time shall pass.

LirBan · 15/08/2020 17:08

I know what you mean. I was googling hotels the other day. There is a budget hotel about 500 metres away and I swear I was going to go and check in for a night just to give them a shock. In the end I was scared that it would be used as evidence against me of what a bad mother i was for the next forty years.
When the eldest is 18 though if they are being complet savages, I'm going to check in for a night or two. I'll tell them I'll come back when the house as tidy and they can be civil to me and to each other.

LirBan · 15/08/2020 17:12

Another thing that single Mums have to deal with I think is no privacy in your bedroom. I imagine that if there was a man here, together, we might be able to say no coming in to 'our' room after 10pm, and just have some sort of boundary or privacy. But my kids will just spill in to my room at any hour! Sometimes I don't mind, but if I'm tired and want to veg and they are ''on!'' it is hard to be emotionally available after a long hard day at work, when you got up at 6.30, went to work, got home, tidied up, collapsed and then you had to reassure your dd she's not fat or she's not ugly or sort out a fight or defend the ''shit'' dinner Shock

NC4Now · 15/08/2020 17:15

I’m a single mum of teens too. I don’t think it is wrong to send them to their rooms if they have been awful all day. I’ve been known to. Then you can have your wine and Netflix and just a bit of space from them.
Is their dad on the scene at all? My two generally get on fairly amicably but with the whole lockdown etc they have been in each other’s pockets much more than usual. Last week DS2 said he just wanted a weekend away from DS1, so he’s gone on his own this weekend and it’s just DS1 and me at home.
Divide and rule if that’s an option.
Sending Flowers Gin - it’s not easy.

NC4Now · 15/08/2020 17:18

Oh, and find what motivates them and use it. DS2’s games controller lived under my pillow for a few days last week because he was getting rude and gobby. I told him I was keeping it till he changed the way he spoke to us. It took a few days, but we got there. No pain, no gain...

YgritteSnow · 15/08/2020 19:21

I'm a single mum of teenagers too. I don't do a thing for them apart from essentials if they're rude or unpleasant to me. No pocket money, no lifts, no outings, no treat foods, not a thing, I would even cancel a special day out or holiday if necessary and they know I mean it. Im still loving and available for them but I am very matter of fact and say "why on earth would I do that for someone who speaks to me or behaves like you did? You wouldn't, why should I?"

I'm not saying this is foolproof and will work for you and it may stop working for me in the future! I hope not! But maybe it's worth a try?

WokusPocus · 15/08/2020 20:51

Hi, I'm in no position to preach as I am struggling at the moment. However , one thing I have hit upon recently is weekly pocket money instead of monthly. It is only given when rooms are clean and other jobs have been completed and it has to be done by a certain point on Saturday otherwise no money. I got so sick of nagging and feeling upset this seemed like the only solution. Money is transferred directly into bank accounts so I don't have to worry about scrabbling around for cash.

kitchensinkdrama · 15/08/2020 21:11

Ahh. Imagine a turquoise sea, just swimming, floating, not a care in the world. It would be so wonde....Aaaargh!

OP posts:
kitchensinkdrama · 15/08/2020 21:14

Yes, lady, I get that! I have a lock on my door and although I've lived in the same house for 12 years, I have only now started to use it...

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread