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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Ds(12) keeps getting caught masturbating

35 replies

elizabethschyler · 11/08/2020 17:07

My 12 y/o ds the eldest of my D.C. has clearly just found his favourite toy. Hmm
That's fine but my 6yo Dd told my oh that she found him "with his hands in his pants"
My DJ found him x 2 and also the conv with dd and explained to ds that it's entirely natural to do this but he needs to do it in private
Except I have found him twice in bed with his door open (his bed is clearly visible to anyone going las) doing this. Once was quite late in the evening so his younger sibling were in bed asleep but today it was 3pm in broad daylight.

Both times I have not said anything, been too shocked and have to go past his room and so have just carried on rather than "interrupt" but I think we have to say something

Any advice?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2020 17:11

Of course you need to say something. Make it clear that masturbating is completely fine and natural, but it is to be done in private, end of. Leaving his door open allowing other family members to see is totally inappropriate.

ScorpioSphinxInACalicoDress · 11/08/2020 17:13

You have to even ask?
If your daughter told a teacher what she told her dad you'd have safeguarding on you like a fuckton of bricks. And quite rightly. Teach him some decency.

Streamingbannersofdawn · 11/08/2020 17:21

My son has ASC. We have needed to deal with this. He was younger though.

I just said "close your door". You can probably have a fuller discussion but I just told my son that it was totally fine but it was private so he needed to close his door. I told him I didn't want to see.

msflibble · 11/08/2020 17:34

You absolutely have to talk to him and let him know it's not appropriate. He has younger siblings who will be disturbed and upset by this and it could even desensitise them to public sexual behaviour making it harder for them to realise if someone else is being sexually inappropriate with them in the future. I must say I find it slightly concerning that he's apparently so blasé about being found by family members. When I discovered my own body at puberty I would have cringed with shame at the thought of my mum walking in on me.

There is no shame in masturbation itself but it is a private thing that nobody else wants to see and he needs to learn that asap.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 11/08/2020 17:47

🙄

IWantT0BreakFree · 11/08/2020 17:47

Yeah you need to speak with him urgently. This is not OK and it is really very serious for your 6yo DD to be living in a home where she is exposed to an older male masturbating in front of her. I appreciate that there may not be any intent behind him doing this so openly (although nobody here can rule that out, and anyway it is perhaps worth giving some consider as to why he apparently doesn't understand that this is a very private activity), nevertheless it is still potentially very dangerous for your daughter to be exposed to this behaviour. Another PP has touched on one reason why.

If a serious chat doesn't stop the behaviour then I think you actually need to explain to him that he is essentially sexually harassing his sister and that by allowing her to see him masturbating he is causing her genuine harm.

You need to stamp it out one way or another.

Original poster
elizabethschyler · 11/08/2020 18:36

I know I need to say something - I am just wondering how to make it really really clear
Thanks

OP posts:
FabulouslyGlamourousFerret · 11/08/2020 18:39

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide

🙄

My thoughts too - but I checked past posts and I think it's kosher 😗

ClamDango · 11/08/2020 18:41

A please can you shut the door would be enough

Original poster
elizabethschyler · 11/08/2020 18:58

omg I promise I am not a troll- I have been here absolutely AEONS under various name changes. tbh I hesitated to post and searched to see if anyone else had had a smilar probs or how to talk about it
Promise am not getting off on this and mortified about concept of what scorpio said -
I cam here because I think it's a new discovery - this has happened over a two week period with a holiday away where he had to share a room n the middle and I think his opportunities to be in any way alone have been limited.
thanks again all

OP posts:
IfNotNowThen2 · 11/08/2020 19:01

Fucksake. Just say " stop wanking in public"
That should do it?

AuntieStella · 11/08/2020 19:05

Just tell him to shut the door

UtMalumPluvia · 11/08/2020 19:19

You've already had a polite chat and he hasn't listened. If he already knows his parents and sibling have seen him and he's still not closing his door then I'd be a bit more abrupt.

I'd mention respecting boundaries and how you will all respect his privacy by not walking in his room if the door is closed but he also needs to respect the boundaries of his younger sister and not put her, or the family, position where they have to see him masturbate.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2020 19:30

You shouldn't have ignored this the two times you witnessed this. You should have told him then and there he needed to shut the door. Talk to him privately in his room and lay down the law.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 11/08/2020 19:40

Put a small sliding lock on his door. Explain to him very clearly that he is only to do it with his door locked. Also, be very clear about the consequences of doing so in public OR online and about the severity of inappropriate pictures being sent. Some boys don't seem to understand how serious and inappropriate it is. I had a student pretend to do it with a gluestick in my class, showing off and trying to intimidate me / be the big man. He didn't find it so funny when I rang his mother and she was mortified.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/08/2020 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

morefun · 11/08/2020 19:44

I think a straightforward closing of the door should work, accompanied by calling out "close your door!". He's pretty young still. Sure he will catch on and not want to be seen!

Vodkacranberryplease · 11/08/2020 19:44

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime He didn't find it so funny when I rang his mother and she was mortified.

Haha good for you! Little shit.

OP this isn't something to take lightly. Can his dad have this conversation? It needs to be a pretty blunt one.

ScorpioSphinxInACalicoDress · 11/08/2020 20:09

The OP has been around for ages, which I know doesn't preclude anything but I'm sure HQ will confirm she's not a perv slapping the monkey herself while we answer her.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 11/08/2020 20:51

Hello everyone. We're happy to confirm that the OP has been around for ages and we've got absolutely no concerns that they're anything but a genuine poster. Thanks.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/08/2020 21:15

I have never been aware of ds(16) masterbating at all, he's either really discreet or is a really late starter. I am assuming the former.

If I caught him my reaction would be to put my hand over my eyes and run away screaming "my eyes! my eyes!"

Bunnymumy · 11/08/2020 21:20

'Stop wanking in public you dirty little beggar! No one wants to see that! Shut the door!'

Is he attention seeking/goady in other ways? I'd be worrying he was getting some sort of sick thrill from it. In which case he probably needs to see a shrink.

Not normal to not be embarrassed when caught like that. Very worrying if this is the case.

lilgreen · 12/08/2020 07:45

I think just telling him to close his door is not really enough when there are younger siblings around in the day, they could walk in. Talk to him. Tell him it’s VERY private and he needs to be sure so either bedtime or bathroom or when siblings are out and ALWAYS with the door closed.

KaptainKaveman · 12/08/2020 07:51

I'd be very concerned that a 12 year old thinks it's ok to do that in full view of his family, including much younger children. Does he watch a lot of online porn? sounds like it.

Whatthecluck · 12/08/2020 12:07

How clued up is he sex education wise?
My 12yo had the sex education lessons last year but before that he would have been clueless on sex/masturbation etc (as the conversation never arose not because i didnt want to tell him) he knew the basics about babies etc but has never been the type of child who wanted to know more.
It could just be down to immaturity, not realising it is something to be done in private, i know you've said he's been spoken to about it but we all know how much kids do/don't listen.
You need to have another conversation with him and make it clear the consequences and seriousness of it, if it still continues then maybe there are some further issues that you need to address.