17 year old son self-harming (sorry, potentially triggering)

[Babyshambler]

Sorry this will be a long post, as don't want to drip feed, and am also feeling really out of my depth with this and just need an outlet.

My oldest son seems happy in general. He's got lots of mates and is pretty bright, with a clear focus on what he wants to do when he finishes school. He has a weekend job which he recently returned to following furlough. He's usually honest, thoughtful and very affable - I've never had any issues with him...out of all my children, he's always been the least complicated.

A few days ago, I noticed that he had some scratches at the top of his arm. I wasn't particularly suspicious and asked him how he did them and he told me they were from our cat. I thought this was questionable, but just assumed that he was covering up a drunken fall or prank. I didn't think any more of it.

This morning I went into my son's room and noticed that he had some deep scratches down his forearm. They looked self inflicted. I asked about them and he told me to "drop it". It then dawned on me that he's been wearing long sleeved shirts to work or wearing a hoodie over Tshirts for the past couple of weeks. My partner and I have joked about how he must be boiling...and now I'm wondering how I could have been so stupid not to realise.

Following his initial response, I have now managed to have a long chat with him, and he explained that he has found lockdown very strange and felt he had lost all motivation and focus. He said the lack of routine started to make him feel frustrated, and one day he had the urge to cut himself. He described the cut as being well worth it, as it made him in control. He said he then would do it every time he felt sad. For the past two weeks he has cut himself once every day. Prior to that it was less frequent. He said he's not depressed, as these bouts of sadness are just short periods of the day, but they can be overwhelming when they do occur.

Since Lockdown has eased up, he has been meeting with friends and going for walks so he hasn't been isolated in that sense. He returned to work last week, so has some elements of normality returning to his life. He has told me that there is no main cause of his upset other than the general disruption of Covid.

This all seems really out of character. I'm really at a loss of what to do. He is insisting he doesn't need any help and doesn't want anybody to know but I feel that he may benefit from having someone to talk to.

Has anybody got any experience of this ?

Many thanks in advance.

I'm not experienced but couldn't read and run, this sounds so hard.

I did want to say don't beat yourself up about not spotting - it is so hard to spot and if he's been seeming ok why would you think that.

for you

I also think he does need help for self harming. Am sure he thinks he doesn't need help, but he's wrong about that.

I think it’s great he’s talking to you about it, but that you should try and push him, gently, to talk to someone about it.
I self harmed as a teen and whenever anyone tried to talk to me about it I used the “it’s not much, I’m not really depressed, everything is fine” line because the thought of actually talking to someone and confronting my actions was absolutely terrifying. Maybe he is depressed, maybe he doesn’t know how to ask for help or even realise that he needs it.
It must be horrible for you as a parent and I hope you can help him. You sound lovely and I wish you all the best x

Thanks for the quick response !

It is a really difficult situation. I work with teenagers, and I would definitely be making referrals for them if they disclosed self harm, even if they insisted they didn't need help. It's so difficult to be level headed when it's your own child though.

From what my son has said, I don't think his behaviours will stop...there seemed to be an underlying sense of gratification. He's moreorless said that in a weird way it gives him a good feeling and makes the low moods go away. The fact it started off being an occasional thing, and is now occuring every day indicates to me that he probably isn't going to just stop.

I don't want to undermine his trust, particularly now he has opened up about it, but don't think this is going to go away on its own.

Seeking help from a professional is clearly the best way forward, but I wanted to mention that you can get apps on his phone for when the urge to self harm comes up. I'm not sure how useful they are but it might be worth a go.

heartshapedfox Thank you for the insight; I really feel that my son is reacting in the same way that you describe. As much as I want to believe that everything's fine and it's not a big deal, I suspect that this isn't the case at all.

mumoblue Thank you, I didn't realise about the apps. I'll have a look into it ! We did talk about finding an alternative way to cope when he feels low, so this could be really helpful.

My parents never pushed me to get help - they bought the line, and I wish they had because I probably would've stopped sooner. It’s almost addictive and it probably does make him feel better, but he needs to see it’s not the right way to express feelings.

From someone who used to be a self-harming teen who told her parents she didn't need help and didn't need to speak to anyone...

He needs help, and he needs to speak to someone.

I was cutting myself every now and then when i felt horrendous and it made me feel better. Then i was cutting myself every day, because it helped me feel in control. Then i was cutting myself multiple times a day, and crying afterwards, because it stopped helping and i didn't know how to not do it. I'm 28 now and covered in scars.

I truly believe my parents failed me. At 15, i should not have been allowed to tell them i was self harming and then not get help.

My daughter is much younger 12, we found out she was self harming in March she is having counselling with a specialist child psychologist which has really helped her. One thing she told me is that when she feels like self harming she uses an elastic band on her wrist and pings it on her arm, this gives her the same feeling of Euphoria that cutting herself did but obviously is not so damaging, I dont like the fact that she feels the need to do this but i do understand the reasons behind cutting yourself, people have been doing it for centuries as it can give a Euphoric feeling when cutting yourself. I hope you can get your son some help, it is so hard when you realise your child is suffering, I worry so much about my daughter.

Thanks for sharing your experiences...I think you have all clarified what I needed to hear.

He definitely needs help. Persuading him will be difficult, but I know it's for the best.

Heartshapedfox and bitchenkitchen I can recognise my son so much in what you say - and think he's already at the point when his behaviours are starting to spiral.

Scoobie It's all so difficult, isn't it. The amount of guilt I feel is immense. It makes me so sad that my son has been suffering in silence and that I didn't even realise that anything was wrong. He's always been a calm and laid-back boy; never been in a fight and isn't argumentative in any way - so i can't get my head around the fact that he wants to hurt himself.
How did you get help ? Via your GP ? Are the school involved ?

Baby I don't live in the UK ( I live in Germany), but we went to our daughters pediatrician and he referred her to a child physchologist and also gave us a referral for a child physcharist in case the physchologist wasnt enough. I would suggest your GP would be your first call.

The only thing that stopped my self harming, was a family member dying.

For me it was about releasing the negative emotions. The blood was the emotion. I also had a voice in my head, telling me I'd feel better if I cut myself.
I don't know what help teenagers get, but as an adult my choice was cbt or 12 weeks of counselling.

The elastic band would never have worked for me, same for drawing on the arm with a red pen.
When my mother found out, she was concerned that I was suicidal, I wasn't, I downloaded some blurb from a programme I'd seen about self harm on BBC, can't remember what it was called. Left the blurb where she could find it and she never bugged me again.
It was NEVER about suicide.

Thanks scoobie, I'll try the GP on Monday. Also got another helpline number to call. I know services will be limited at the moment, but really want to try and get something in place.

Ginga I did ask my son if he felt suicidal and he said that he didn't at all - so it's reassuring to hear that you genuinely didn't either.
I may be analysing things too much...but I was wondering if my son's self harming is to do with him finding it hard to express emotions. I've never seen him really angry or really upset and thought he was naturally good at coping with any situation. Now I'm thinking that he's unable to show or talk about emotions and they are manifesting in another way.

Sending you big hugs. Whilst I have no personal experience of this, a friend found the following site of help and support when she was going through similar. X

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-self-harm/

I think it may be possible that he doesn't want to 'be a burden' in my case I didn't trust anyone enough to talk to them.
When my sister in law saw my scars, it was blatantly obvious what they were, but being the comedian I am, I told her I had an argument with myself.
Maybe tell him that as his mother its your job to listen and help him to the best of your ability, leave the door open but don't badger him.

loveacuppa Thanks for link, that will be really useful. I really feel out of my depth with this.

Ginga I'm worried about badgering him because i don't want him to shut down...but at the same time I feel like I can't let it drop. We had a good conversation earlier where he opened up, but I have left it since that conversation ended, even though my instinct just wants to keep smothering him with questions.
Yes, you could be right about him not wanting to be a burden to anyone. I think he doesn't want to worry people.

Hi op

I've dealt with self harming teens in the past
I can't give you any guidance regards what's going on with him
Without talking to him

But with regards to the cutting
We would always ask the following
What is he cutting With?
Make them aware of blood born infections from dirty blades etc
Always wash hands always disinfect the blade or whatever he uses
And always dress the wound if needed
Get him some antibacterial spray for his cuts and encourage him to use it
Also something to keep the blade clean and store away safely

I know it's not what you maybe want to hear, but it's a way of engaging without going to deep and them shutting down . It's a way of letting them know you care you know, and they need to stay safe

This may sound bad but, you need him to know that you don't judge him, so that IF he cuts deep enough to need a & e he trusts you enough to tell you.
Its a horrible thought, I know. All my scars are on my upper arms nowhere near any artery.
I hope the loosening of lockdown will help him too.

Thanks guilty.

He did tell me that he was using a clean kitchen knife and had disinfected the cuts afterwards, and was using bio oil on them to help them heal. I assume he had searched aftercare advice from Google, as I didn't know he even had an awareness of what to do with bio oil.
After his initial shame about the cuts, he ended up being quite open and showing them to me.

I did feel like hiding all the knives, but then thought better of it, incase he starts using something else.

It's hard finding the balance between keeping him safe and feeling like I'm totally facilitating the behaviours.

I've been really calm in front of him, but inside I feel a wreck. Mentally, I've been on a different planet all day, totally consumed with it all. It's not something I even suspected, even though with hindsight there have been signs. I've told my DP, but we've agreed that it will probably work best if I deal with it on a one to one basis, rather than put my son in a situation where he may feel ganged up on.

My daughter is 14 almost 15 and self harming too. I found out she cut her arm with a needle from my sewing box so I've hid the sewing box. Not sure if it's the right thing to do. I'm so scared I'm wondering if I need to hide the knives and scissors too.
She's had counselling which is now finished and is on the waiting list for a psychiatrist as having bad dreams too.
Her arm has some scarring I'm hoping it fades over the years.

Sorry to hear that Mondeo. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best.
My son is slightly older and I feared that if I hid all the knives and sharp items that he will just find something else to cut with. He will be 18 on his next birthday so realistically will be able to go out and buy whatever he needs then too.

It sounds ridiculous but I'm now worried about leaving him in the house on his own. I hate the thought of him cutting myself and what must be going through his head.

How did your daughter get on with the counselling ?

Hiding sharp objects doesn't work.
Rulers can do damage, finger nails can do damage, pencil sharpeners too.
You can't police it, otherwise you'll be stood behind them all the time and I guarantee that they will hide it even more.
The scars will fade, all mine are white lines now, only noticeable if I get a tan.
My son has mh issues, he doesn't self harm, thank fuck, he is 15 now and has finally realised that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to a fucked up brain.
Mondeo give your daughter space, listen to her, dont hide sharp objects, read up on self harm.

ginga I thought as much, and haven't removed anything sharp.
Thanks again for all your advice. It's been really helpful to get insight into others going through the same...whether through a parent or child view.

Not read all the posts, but have a similar situation at home and can relate.

My daughter is 13 and was self harming during lockdown, occasionally at first, then every 2-3 days, then most days. It's very hard to notice as you know, unless it gets very bad or your child chooses to tell you, so don't blame yourself for not spotting earlier - parents are usually the last ones to know.

My daughter is getting counselling through CAMHS (weekly session for two months now) and is clear now for 3 weeks. I took 6 weeks off work to provide 100% attention and support day and night. I'm back at work on phased return working half-days for another month.

For my daughter it is linked to being unable to express emotions, as you say. Like your son she is very easy-going, good with people, and great company but unknowingly to us it took her too much effort and energy to behave like that at the cost of her own mental health. We are also considering assessment for high functioning autism which in our case seems likely and would explain things.

I talked to my daughter about taking the tools away vs not, and asked her what would be better and she wanted to keep them and so we did, initially. But when she got a bit better, I took everything away from her room that she could 'use'. She was still very uncomfortable with it and against it, but could cope. It was my judgement call that she'd be able to cope and it was a hard one to make.

Agree with others that you must arrange an appointment with GP and go there together then just inform your son that that's what's happening and reassure him that this is the best and the only right thing to do, even if he can't see it that way now. Show understanding, validate his feelings that he doesn't want to go and finds it hard but say you need to do it anyway.

In parallel, work on your relationship. Self-harm is a cry for attention. Find out what music he listens to, what political views he has, what is his favourite food (even if it's mcdonalds) and show support in a million tiny ways even if he pushes you away every time.

I would also try to explore if there is abuse in your son's life - particularly subtle emotional abuse that he perhaps can't classify as such himself. This can be from family, work mates, girlfriend/boyfriend. Also see if potentially this has something to do with his sexual identity? Gay people feel tremendous pressure from the society and most go through self-harm episodes trying to come to terms with it.

Best of luck. If you feel I can help with anything I'd be privileged to, feel free to PM me. Lots of love. Remember that dark, difficult times are also opportunities for tremendous personal growth xxx