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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yo rebelling by seeing older man

33 replies

Mariewallas · 02/08/2020 04:20

Last year my 17 yo son in law was living with his mum but would visit us a few days a week after school or weekend as we live close. His mum decided to move away with her new partner but SIL didn't want to due to college, friends, girlfriend, being happy here... so he moved in with us. He was really upset about his mum moving. He complains about her a lot when I dont care to hear about her. She is a lazy and selfish person. Cant understand why he is upset she has gone because there are no good qualities about her. He was always a decent, popular and well respected boy but he changed when his mum moved and started drinking, smoking weed. He dropped a college accounting class and business class that he was doing really good in and just attends college for art classes now, which I can't get my head around lol. He had said for ages he wanted to go on to university and do business. He started earning some income working with a friends dad to contribute to us which was really sweet but he would go out most evenings and ignore curfew. He ended a 2yr relationship with a really lovely girl and told me it didn't work out but she told me it came from out of no where. He then started seeing a 38 yo man. He said he met him through school. He was a sub teacher. We were shocked because he has only had girlfriends and never shown an interest in men before. 20 yr age gap seems excessive to me. He wanted to introduce us but me and his dad put it off for a while as we didn't see it as anything serious. We finally met him and he was ok but the age gap is uncomfortable to me and how he suddenly left his girlfriend. The situation is weird. Few months later Covid happened. SIL has been regularly contacting this man... phone, video chat. He says it is serious but I'm not sure if I should take it seriously? I can't see it lasting long term and I want to be honest with him without hurting his feelings. His dad doesn't care either way. I just think it is a fling because he is bored or seeking attention. Could he be doing it just to get to his mum? Things changed for the worse after his mum left. Is he after her attention by rebelling? Should I encourage him for his relationship when I can't take it seriously and don't see it lasting or tell the truth?

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 02/08/2020 13:04

Several things spring to mind, firstly you say you can’t understand why he’s upset his mother has moved away. The answer is he feels abandoned ! And this is why he’s acting up.

As for the relationship, yes it’s a big age gap but I do n’t see how you can stop it.

You’re right, it probably won’t last Which is all the more reason to keep quiet.

needaMNnamegenerator · 02/08/2020 13:08

Does the college know about a teacher starting a relationship with a teenager? I wouldn't want this person anywhere near my child, 20 years gap is too much and especially if they met through a teacher-pupil relationship. That's exploitative in my opinion.

Of course he's 17 so harder so just laying down the law might backfire, I'm sorry I haven't got more useful advice.

needaMNnamegenerator · 02/08/2020 13:10

It could just be a fling but I stayed with my teenage BF (whom my mum disapproved of) for 10 years. I bet she hoped it'd blow over too. I wish she'd supported me more, not just disapproved from a distance, so when it started to go wrong I could have spoken to her about it.

bookmum08 · 02/08/2020 13:15

How is he your son in law? That would mean he is married to your daughter/son. Do you mean nephew?

NotDavidTennant · 02/08/2020 13:30

I assume you mean stepson rather than son-in-law.

TBH you don't sound like you're sympathetic to him or even that you like him that much.

His mum has abandoned him, he's clearly hurting and making bad life choices as a result and you response is "Cant understand why he is upset she has gone because there are no good qualities about her."

Even if she is as awful as you say, it still must hurt for him to have been dumped by his own mother.

"His dad doesn't care either way."

Charming. Have you considered that he might be going off with an older man because none of the other adults in his life seem to care about him much?

FelicityPike · 02/08/2020 13:38

Son in law means he’s married to your daughter.
Do you mean nephew or step-son or ....?
Whoever he is to you, you should keep your nose out of his private life. Be there for support (if needed) not judgement!

Yankathebear · 02/08/2020 13:53

Too confusing. Step son?
Have you reported to the college?

Original poster
Mariewallas · 02/08/2020 14:19

Sorry I meant Step son!! I married his dad.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 02/08/2020 14:30

😵 ‘The situation is weird’
That’s an understatement.

This 17 year old sounds like he’s got absolutely nobody in his corner at all. He’s taken advantage of by a predatory man because nobody is looking out for him.

Report it to safeguarding at the college. Just because this man was a supply teacher it doesn’t mean he is free to shag the students.

Bluemoooon · 02/08/2020 14:31

Any chance you could pay for counselling for him, in theory to deal with his Mum's leaving but in fact it might be useful for him to work out his feelings and whether he is gay or not.
The relationship doesn't sound ideal but not much you can do.

bookmum08 · 02/08/2020 15:57

It's a grey area. He 17 so legally old enough but you say they 'met through school' yet you say he is (was) at college. But just because they guy is a teacher he might not have been your stepsons teacher.
If your stepson seems fairly happy with the relationship is would just stay out of it.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 02/08/2020 16:07

There are several issues here.

First of all, why does he care? Because his mum fucking abandoned him! Not just that but left him with someone who doesn't "understand " him and a father who doesn't care. No matter how shit she was there will still be love and loyalty there.

Then , his sexuality. He might be bisexual, he might be gay but afraid to come out until now for whatever reason. This is none of your business.

His relationship. This is all kinds of wrong. He is young and vulnerable. The adult should know better. It should be reported to the college. Of course he is happy, he is finally getting attention and what supposedly thinks is love from an adult. This is where you need to intervene and his father needs to get off his ass and care.

SavoyCabbage · 02/08/2020 17:18

It's against the law for teachers to have sexual relationships with children under 18 whether they actually teach them or not.

Original poster
Mariewallas · 02/08/2020 17:28

He says that the man was his substitute teacher at secondary school but they started seeing each other when step son was attending college. They kept in touch but nothing happened during secondary school. He was still with girlfriend then. I'm not sure how honest he is being. He moved on quickly from girlfriend with this man so maybe he is lying about when they got together. It is hard to get information out of him because he gets so defensive. I've told him I disapprove of it but he calls me a hypocrite because I'm quite a bit younger than his dad. He says that I'm in no place to lecture him. He uses our age gap as an excuse for him doing it. I know that if his dad spoke to him he would listen. He is an angel around his dad and respects his opinion... but his dad laughs it off and says he is seeking attention and we shouldn't feed it.

I've tried suggesting therapy but he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. I've tried asking about his sexuality too but he brushed that off. He is in denial about everything. He thinks that he is still close to his mum and that her partner brainwashed her into moving. The truth is that she doesn't care. She has told me she regrets having kids young and wants to experience more of what life has to offer. He has older siblings who moved away. He likes it here because he has all his friends.

I don't like sugar coating it with his mum because I don't want to get his hopes up. I tell him to leave her alone because he bugs her a lot by calling her for silly reasons. I don't know what else to tell him. I hate to think how much time he is going to waste on this man. He's been with him for maybe 9 months now? He is looking forward to us all spending time together. I'm dreading it. It is creepy. Should I be supportive or try to put him off and make him see that it is a bad idea? I don't want to encourage him or push him away.

OP posts:
ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 02/08/2020 17:32

I don't like sugar coating it with his mum because I don't want to get his hopes up.

He'll learn by himself, he doesn't need you telling him what a waste of space she is when he still loves her and misses her. Seriously?

Poor kid, all the adults in his life are useless,selfish idiots.

bookmum08 · 02/08/2020 18:35

As I said before it's a grey area because he is over the age of consent but under 18 and this guy is a teacher. If the guy wasn't a teacher and they had met at the gym/walking the dog/through work/in Starbucks or whatever the age gap would still be there but it's not 'illegal'.
Obviously though with lockdown this won't have been a normal dating relationship. Maybe he has just needed someone to talk to and this guy is the only one listening.

Northernparent68 · 02/08/2020 18:39

If you report the relationship your step son, is unlikely to forgive you. Let it fizzle out of its own accord and maybe it’s best not to question him about his sexuality.

TheLegendOfZelda · 02/08/2020 18:39

This is a safeguarding concern, please raise it with the college and school

Owleyes16 · 02/08/2020 18:45

You really don't sound very supportive. Why do you automatically assume he's "rebelling" and doing this for attention rather than a) exploring and figuring out his sexuality, b) struggling with his mother abandoning him, and c) possibly being a victim of exploitation and grooming. Don't tell him what to do, he's 17 and above the age of consent. He can do what he likes. You need to be more understanding and compassionate and explain the power imbalance in his relationship which isn't necessarily to do with age, but with how they met and the position of influence this man has/had over him. A 20 year age gap between a 30 and 50 year old is different to a 17 and 38 year old, especially when that 38 year old met him when he was a vulnerable underage boy. You need to stop judging and start listening to him and offer support.

SavoyCabbage · 02/08/2020 19:03

@bookmum08 it is illegal rather than a ‘grey area’. It’s part of the Sexual Offences act that teachers can’t have a sexual relationship with a pupil under the age of 18.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 02/08/2020 19:07

It is illegal. The teacher is in a position of trust and cannot have a relationship with anyone under the age of 18. I used to investigate teachers for my job, and there are many cases of prohibitions due to relationships with students. I would support your stepson to end the relationship, but it could be difficult to get him to agree with you.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 02/08/2020 19:13

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners does that apply if the teacher doesn't work at the same setting as the pupil?

I'm not defending this in any way I'm just confused whether it applies in any and all circumstances, where a teacher initiates a relationship with an under 18.

Bunnymumy · 02/08/2020 19:13

Seems like he has just realised he is gay and decided to stop living a lie. Hense dropping the gf and dating a man. The 'through his school connection' with the 38year old seems a bit seedy to me though. I would be concerned because of his youth and perhaps, current emotional state, he is being preyed upon. Might be worthwhile for his dad to have a chat with him about things like grooming, consent...and well, the law.

bookmum08 · 02/08/2020 19:16

I understand it is illegal but it's also a grey-ish area. If a 38 year old teacher who works at a 11-16 school met a 17 year old who attends a 16+ college in the next town over it would be - yes technically - illegal. But if someone who is 38 and works as an accountant meets a 17 year old college student it's not illegal.
In this case in this thread if the OP and her husband really do think there was grooming involved then they should be reporting to the relevant person but they have already met this guy. I don't think the chap would be so open about the relationship and happy to 'meet the parents' if he wasn't serious about the relationship.
The OP doesn't seem to say her stepson has been 'groomed' she just seems more concerned that the kid is doing this as a rebellion thing.

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