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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD 14 has chosen to have no friends and seems so happy

51 replies

peppajay · 20/07/2020 18:29

Heartbreaking - when your 14 year old tells you that she doesn't need friends as she has you (meaning me her mum!!) and netflix.

A bit of background she hates hanging around in big groups and is very sensible (too sensible sometimes!!) she has no interest in hanging in the park eating chips trying to flirt with boys!! she hasn't spoken to or see anyone for 2 weeks and she loves it she is so happy but surely it isn't healthy.

OP posts:

Andi2020 · 20/07/2020 21:23

Enjoy it.
What was she like before covid19
Overnight my now 17yo dd changed from my little girl around age 15 and half she now wants out all the time and when not out is on social media.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/07/2020 06:49

Secondary schools can be horrible environments, she may find her people when she moves on to another setting

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 21/07/2020 07:00

There must be thousands of teens for whom lockdown has been a massive relief - an escape from the horrors of 21st century social life.

If she'd seen no one for two years it would be a worry. As long as she genuinely is happy?

SuperFurryDoggy · 21/07/2020 07:26

Following with interest as my 10 yo DD has disengaged from her school friends and said she doesn’t want real life friendships any more.

She has one online only friend and her DB and says that’s enough.

She also seems happier than I’ve seen her in ages.

I worry for September.

FiveMoreMinutesPlease · 21/07/2020 07:32

DS 14 has also disengaged. He is sociable at school but likes being at home with us. He seems happy enough though I have moments of wishing he'd contact his friends. He says he's socially awkward. There is nothing I can do about it until he gets back to school really. And like I said, he's happy.

I agree with a previous post and think it been a massive relief for some kids from the pressure of fitting in and 21st life.

00100001 · 21/07/2020 07:35

Think if all the adults who are perfectly happy being alone. Why would it be different for kids?

itsme · 21/07/2020 07:39

If she's happy then that's a positive, much easier life for her than being caught up in the drama of teenage friendships.

ScrapThatThen · 21/07/2020 07:43

She might just be a homebird type. She'll probably marry someone nice and be blissfully happy in life.

FairyAnn · 21/07/2020 07:44

I sometimes wish I could go back and choose to do this as a teenager! All of the drama and upset that I went through due to 'friends' could have been avoided and I think I would have been so much happier.

I only found true friends once I joined a drama group and went to college, so it's not like she'll never have friends again. Maybe she's just sick of all the drama that comes with school friendships?

IdblowJonSnow · 21/07/2020 07:44

If she's genuinely happy for now then just be pleased. Summer wont go on forever. Things change, your DD will change.
Maybe her friends have been awful, maybe they're no but she's a happy introvert. Does she talk to you about friendships?

Northernsoullover · 21/07/2020 07:47

I've got two like this. Both of them are happier at home. So am I really. I do have friends that I see from time to time and I'm generally upbeat and happy with my lot. I don't see it as a problem as long as they aren't fretting about not being in a friendship group.

SaucyTrout2k · 21/07/2020 07:49

I’m mid 20s and I’m only in touch with 3 friends from school, even then I only message them on birthdays and at Christmas. Since leaving school I have met lots of friends. Perhaps they just aren’t her people, she’ll find friends when she goes to uni/college/work.

EasilyDelighted · 21/07/2020 07:52

Mine to a certain extent. In the last month she has started meeting her best friend from primary school once a week and has met her closest secondary school friend once (she lives miles away). All of them are fairly introvert/shy. Other than organising to meet they don't chat online, DD doesn't do social media. She is happy like this.

EasilyDelighted · 21/07/2020 07:53

I didn't really find my feet socially till year 10 at school, even then things were a bit awkward. College was where my friendships bloomed, those are the friendships that have sustained into adult life for me (uni ones did not).

Raimona · 21/07/2020 08:36

“I don’t care - I don’t need friends anyway” is the sort of thing someone says when they have no friends and are putting on a brave face. If she doesn’t like being in large groups and the others do, it’s possible they’re going off in groups and just leaving her. Ditto with hanging out in the park - she doesn’t want to go and everyone else does, so they’re just leaving her.

I’d recommend trying to get her into hobby groups with people who she has more in common with. At 14 she likely can’t see beyond her immediate peers who she doesn’t want to be friends with. But there’s a lot of other people out there who also don’t want to hang around in parks! You could look for chess clubs, art groups, gaming groups such as Warhammer and Dungeons and Dragons, astronomy clubs, bird watching or animal rescue - depending on her interests she’ll probably find more people she gets along with at such places.

Original poster

peppajay · 21/07/2020 08:45

Hi thanks for all your replies. I feel sad for her because she should be out with mates having a good time. She had a lovely group of friends from primary school that got taken away from her by s so called friend. She hates just hanging around she is fine going to the park for a couple of hours or town for an afternoon but they like to hang all day with no purpose. Admitedly she is a bit old and sensible before her time and she gets scared and anxious being out so her friends use this to get to her. They love adding her to groups and making plans to hang out all day and she always says no thank you and leaves the group but they just set up new groups and keep adding her and coming across as so nice saying they don't want to leave her out. So much easier for her to just nor speak to anyone but her friends hate this as they like having her in the group to stir up trouble. Each time they ask some else into the group to phone/message my dd to invite her out - therefore completely removing herself from everyone was the only way. She says the feeling of freedom is immense and not having to be accountable to anyone is amazing. So 2 weeks now and no interaction with another teenager at all. Have no idea what will happen in September when she has to go back to school!!

OP posts:

Rowenberryjelly · 21/07/2020 09:05

I was like this as a teen (no Netflix, I had my head in a book usually). I still prefer my own company now, I can't think of anything more boring than just hanging out at a park. I made long lasting friends at sixth form. Everybody is different and that's fine. It also sounds like her so call friends were using her to stir trouble, they certainly weren't respecting her feelings. Its bullying. If she is happy let her be and in September try to encourage different friendship groups.

Snipples · 21/07/2020 09:08

These girls are not her friends. They were bullying her. She sounds very sensible OP. Good for her.

Karmagoat · 21/07/2020 09:14

I understand your concerns, I have a 13 year old dd who has not seen any of her friends since lockdown (although she does speak to 2 of them on the phone/by text) and I do worry how the dynamics in the friendship group she has will be changed when they go back to school in September. But on the other hand, as someone who has suffered from social anxiety I totally get where your daughter is coming from, having to make an effort to fit in can be exhausting to introverts!, if she's happier on her own for now then let her be.
She sounds like a sensible girl who knows her own mind. Maybe in time she will find her people.

EasilyDelighted · 21/07/2020 09:15

It does sound as though she's better off without them.

My DD has done hobby groups galore but has never made good friends through them, she rubs along just fine at the actual groups and gets on with the others but never takes the friendships any further. She is desperately keen to get back to one which restarts soon but only for the hobby, not the other participants.

PaquitaVariation · 21/07/2020 09:21

I was like this as a teen, but without the social media pressures. I wouldn’t see anyone all summer. I just preferred being alone, people, especially teenagers could be hard work and I didn’t get anything from being with them, no enjoyment, other than a couple of very close friends. It got better at college and better still at uni.

Chocoqueen · 21/07/2020 09:25

I remember my mum asking me once why I couldn't go out more 'like a normal teenager', made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be her daughter. I was much more of an introvert than her or my younger sister.

I found my people later in life, I still don't have lots if friends but have gone for quality over quantity. She'll be ok.

300XLTriColour · 21/07/2020 09:29

I see this with my 13yo son too. He has been very happy doing school from home and is in touch occasionally with one or two friends. He doesn’t interact with the whole-year WhatsApp group as they spend their time sniping at each other or posting emojis. I’ve stopped trying to encourage him to meet up with friends as it was making him stressed.

Lots of people (me included) found school difficult. I blossomed at a new sixth form college and then university where I met likeminded people. Sometimes kids who come across as sensible / quiet / mature almost have to wait for their peers to grow up before they can fit in. And also learn how to be a bit less sensible themselves!

My son’s idea of hell would be hanging around a park with a football in a big group of lads. If he’s happy at home and likes chatting with me and his dad that’s fine. I wouldn’t be happy if I never saw him out of his room though.

Itsarattrap · 21/07/2020 09:34

Many teens have probably found lockdown a bit of a haven.

Ours did the hanging about the park thing, massive peer pressure, made her profoundly unhappy, messed her life up for quite some time and she took years to find herself again and become the quiet, content homebody she actually is. Lots of people just aren’t social butterflies. Embrace it.

Rockbird · 21/07/2020 09:36

My 12yo dd is like this. She has made friends in yr7 although swears she hasn't! But she's resisted any attempt to contact them, wouldn't countenance working together over FaceTime, meeting for a socially distanced anything. She texts her old friendship group from primary and they're meeting up next week. But otherwise she's spent 4 months mooching around not talking to anyone and has been perfectly happy.

DD2 (8) on the other hand, spends her life on FaceTime with her best friend. Friend might as well have moved in with us .

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