DD 14 has chosen to have no friends and seems so happy

[peppajay]

Heartbreaking - when your 14 year old tells you that she doesn't need friends as she has you (meaning me her mum!!) and netflix.

A bit of background she hates hanging around in big groups and is very sensible (too sensible sometimes!!) she has no interest in hanging in the park eating chips trying to flirt with boys!! she hasn't spoken to or see anyone for 2 weeks and she loves it she is so happy but surely it isn't healthy.

They love adding her to groups and making plans to hang out all day and she always says no thank you and leaves the group but they just set up new groups and keep adding her and coming across as so nice saying they don't want to leave her out
This doesn’t sound like bullying. It sounds like they’re trying to involve her. Of course it depends on the tone and whether they’re being genuine or taking the mick.

Speaking from personal experience, it’s extremely damaging to be isolated as a teen and it has lifelong negative effects. Just because she doesn’t want to hang around parks for hours on end, doesn’t mean she has to be on her own. This friendship group shouldn’t be the only one available to her. It shouldn’t be a case of “do what they do or be alone”. As a parent you need to try to broaden her horizons and help her to meet other groups that might suit her personality better.

I've stayed in touch with one person, just about from school but have lots of friends from later in life, college up. Just because you go to school together doesn't mean you have anything else in common. But that said, it is kind of a rehearsal for getting along with people who you don't particularly like. Which is useful if you have that situation at work or with in-laws etc. Just being able to cope socially.

Good for her! It took me until my thirties to finally be open about the fact I preferred a quiet life, books and a lot of solitude to being hanging around with other people. Until then I put so much wasted effort into being sociable and doing things that other people found fun but I found either stressful
or very, very boring.

If she is making a genuine choice guided by her own instincts, if she is truly happy and not retreating because of bullying or something similar, then there is nothing to worry about.

As long as your Daughter is genuinely happy then it's fine. I know where you are coming from as my eldest son is like this, he'll be 18 tomorrow.
I worry he isn't experiencing the things I experienced at his age, find it hard to understand but if he is happy then that's the most important thing.

She just doesn't seem to enjoy the normal teen stuff - she is extremely health and safety conscious (she has an autistic brother who is a walking health and safety manual!!) so this I am sure is learned behaviour. The girls are quite manipulative in trying to involve her as when she does go out with them they play on her anxcieties as they think it is funny. She won't do anything a bit daring like jumping a stream in case she falls in, and she hates hanging around the woods like they do as she thinks she may get kidnapped!!! This friendship group definitely isn't for her but because she has tried for years to fit in she says she will never ever bother again trying with friends as so much easier just not bothering. She has a lovely friend and they get on so well and she is so nice BUT she is very studious and not in the popular gang and she gets embarrassed hanging around with her as some of the other girls at school found out and were really mean to her about her friendship with X which I think is horrible!!! She so wants to fit in and be popular and the same as everyone else but she told me this afternoon after a real heart to heart she would rather be friendless than hang with unpopular girls because if she does the popular girls make fun of her So sad!!!!

Preferring her own company seems fine but this sounds a bit worrying:

She won't do anything a bit daring like jumping a stream in case she falls in, and she hates hanging around the woods like they do as she thinks she may get kidnapped!!!

It sounds like she is overly anxious and needs to learn ways of risk assessing and keeping her anxiety under control so as not to be held back in life. Here I think you can work on giving her the double tools of controlling her anxiety while equally carrying on feeling she can refuse something she doesn't want to do.

This is also a bit sad though not of course unusual in a 14yo:

she told me this afternoon after a real heart to heart she would rather be friendless than hang with unpopular girls because if she does the popular girls make fun of her

You probably can't eradicate this attitude but you can keep reinforcing calmly that as an adult you can see it is not a good one, not a decent one, and not one that will make life easier for her as she moves on.

I get where she is coming from with the unpopular girls. Not nice but secondary school is about survival rather than being nice sadly. Hopefully she will grow out of this attitude after school when she is no longer forced to be around people if they make fun of her.

I think you can be a homebird and be very happy, at any age. But to have a friend who is lovely and then abandon that friendship because they are not one of the 'popular' kids is definitely a mindset that leads to unhappiness. I'm not judging, i's easy to do with the weight of teenage peer pressure. However, it doesn't make sense to cut off the popular girls and to feel relief because you no longer have to care what they think . . . . . but stay away from nice friend because you're worried about what the popular girls think. Perhaps DD has social anxiety and so any social interaction or negotiation of social spaces causes anxiety so it's easier for her to disengage from all friendship? Certainly some of her anxieties that you describe (playing in woods, jumping a stream etc) seem quite unusual and life-limiting for 14 - have you thought about exploring whether she needs support with anxiety. Disengagement from all friendship I suspect is a sticking plaster that brings short term relief but long term distress. I would try and build DD's confidence and try to tackle the route of some of her anxieties. When I was in school I was friends with loads of nerds (before being a nerd was cool) and we were def not in the popular group. A couple of the group were gay and had some outright bullying directed at them. But we really liked each other and had a lot of fun together and we gave each other confidence to genuinely not care whatsoever what anyone else thought, we had each others' backs . . .. in fact we rather pitied the in-crowd (rightly or wrongly) seeing them as superficial and full of drama. By 6th form we suddenly realised that we were now seen as a very cool group - people like other people who are confident but inclusive, and it was clear over the years that we were a far happier and fun group than most others. It taught me a lesson, about loyalty in friendship and what to value. With my DC I always tell them to seek kind and fun friends, and ask them to question why 'cool' is cool. I wish you well with your DD, I hope she has a better time in September.

She sounds like she has a strong head on her shoulders.....it's fantastic. As she gets older and meets more people I'm sure she's ok engage more again she just sounds mature for her years.

It’s tricky. My DD 14 has hardly met any friends since school closed. She says she just likes being at home. She likes reading and computer games and baking.
I think she finds all the teen dramas too much, she isn’t into talking about boyfriends or wearing make up or posting selfies on social media. I have pushed her into meeting friends a couple of times, but I can’t keep doing this as I feel she needs to make that decision herself.

On the other hand I know the the other girls her age are hanging around in the park until dark and I am glad she’s not doing that either!
I am trying to find activity clubs for her but haven’t found many and everything is shut now anyway. I would just like her to find ‘her people’.
School in September will be interesting 🤔

@peppajay

Hi thanks for all your replies. I feel sad for her because she should be out with mates having a good time. She had a lovely group of friends from primary school that got taken away from her by s so called friend. She hates just hanging around she is fine going to the park for a couple of hours or town for an afternoon but they like to hang all day with no purpose. Admitedly she is a bit old and sensible before her time and she gets scared and anxious being out so her friends use this to get to her. They love adding her to groups and making plans to hang out all day and she always says no thank you and leaves the group but they just set up new groups and keep adding her and coming across as so nice saying they don't want to leave her out. So much easier for her to just nor speak to anyone but her friends hate this as they like having her in the group to stir up trouble. Each time they ask some else into the group to phone/message my dd to invite her out - therefore completely removing herself from everyone was the only way. She says the feeling of freedom is immense and not having to be accountable to anyone is amazing. So 2 weeks now and no interaction with another teenager at all. Have no idea what will happen in September when she has to go back to school!!

I feel sad for her because she should be out with mates having a good time.

She 'should'n't be doing anything. That's what you want her to do, OP. Please let her be her own person.

We all develop at different rates. Some 14 year olds are very sociable and outgoing - some are happier at home and don't blossom in that sense until university. Just love her and support her as she is and she will then gradually feel secure enough to take on the world. Remember her brain won't fully mature for another 10 years!

As she disengages from this group I'd encourage her to flex her friendship muscles with others.

Then she might grow to realise that she can be friendly and associate with whomever she likes and she can withstand any jokey or snide comments without it being the end of the world.

One of mine is like this. It was a worry, but eventually I got used to it when I saw that she was just being herself. She basically can't be arsed with what friendship entails. Her adorable boyfriend is her best friend. He is the same and I think they'll have a very happy life together. Takes all sorts doesn't it?

I have a 19 yr old like this. He has never done "normal" teenage things. He has never hung around outside of school with anyone. He is quite happy to stay at home unless he is working. He was always popular with his peers and teachers at school, he just never wanted to join in with others outside of school/ college.

I worried a lot when he was a younger teenager that he didn't like going out. But he is very happy in himself and I have no worries about him now. He may change once he gets into his 20's. Some children just prefer their own company.

It's fine if she's truly happy.

She doesn't, in all honesty, sound as though she is.

The friends adding her to groups isn't bullying- I initially read that as they add her and kick her out, not that they add her and then she leaves the group.

It sounds like she hasn't yet found a friend or group of friends she's comfortable with, but the "I don't care" (she does) and the comments about not wanting to hang out with "unpopular" girls shows that she's not happy with her situation.

The anxiety also obviously probably stops her from feeling comfortable in certain social situations.

Many posters on here have described their own children and they sound perfectly happy. The OP's doesn't tbh. I wouldn't push it, but I'd keep an eye on it, especially when school starts up. (I do agree fwiw with the poster who said lockdown has probably been a godsend for the introverts, I didn't mind it at all, and I saw a lot of my teens during online classes seemed more relaxed and "in the zone" as opposed to a constant FOMO which is a modern day scourge!)

I think we change too- I hate going out now, and as my job entails spending all day with lots of people (teenagers) the last thing I want to do in my free time is socialize. I wasn't like that when I was a teenager.

My friend has a daughter who has an overriding passion for something- as she hasn't met anybody with the same interest she does it on her own and it takes up all her time, and she is absolutely fine with it.

All kids are different and all find their happiness in different ways. Saying you don't care that you don't have friends and all you need is your mum and Netflix isn't one of them.

I think it’s a really good sign that the girls keep trying to invite her - obviously means they like her and want her around. If she is genuinely happy and it is fully her own choice (which it sounds like it is - not a lack of options as is sometimes sadly the case for girls that age) then I don’t think I’d worry too much.

It’s just as much angst having an outgoing 14yo in my experience really - mine is desperate to make every single social event, even if the others aren’t her bag or the activity isn’t something she likes. Hopefully as classes mix and sixth form/college come about other girls will mature and your DD will find friends she really does want to spend her time with.

I think I’m September maybe try encourage her to find a new hobby out of school or something where she can meet some new people? Guiding might be a good one if she hasn’t already tried it - I think they do (or at least did in my country!) whole activities based around safety!!!

Age 14/15 I distanced myself from or fell out with most of my friends because I was too sensible. Didn’t want to go drinking in the park, try smoking, chatting to strange boys.

By age 16 the group had grown up a bit and weren’t doing such daft stuff and I re joined them.

Give it time. 14 is a tricky age. Be grateful she’s not giving in to peer pressure, she has a mind of her own which is a valuable thing.

I'm with @FairyAnn. Wish I'd have been strong enough as a teen to not feel pressured into friendships that at best were confusing and boring and at worst were damaging.

My DD (16) is very similar! She as a few friends outside school but has pretty much ditched her school friends.

Sounds a bit like me!

I wavered from not having a lot of friends to a fairly large friendship group where I was on the periphery. I think I was fairly well liked but easily forgotten! My Mum always thought I was a bit odd and would regularly tell me which was pretty hurtful.

Now I just realise it's me. I like lots of time at home with DH. I do have friends but I'm pretty selective. I hate drama and I'm not friends with people for the sake of it.

Everyone has a 'tribe'. This group probably isn't your daughter's.

Tbh I was like this as a teenager and it's now one of my biggest regrets. I only have one friend I know from school and discovered the hard way that it's more difficult to stay in touch with uni friends because we all came from such different places, whereas people who had solid friendship groups from school seem to have held on to those much better. Plus, I missed out on a lot of experiences growing up I'll never get back. Yes, it was me, it was what I was like etc etc. But if my daughter said the same thing I would be worried she was going to end up on the same path of regret as me.

I agree that 14 is a tricky age. My youngest students are 14 and some are still absolutely children, while others are very much more "mature" in a self-assurance way. Don't different school subject options start at 14 (am not in the UK) Maybe then she'll find her friendship group.

She could probably do without the angst of teen friendship drama. Some of us like our own company more than socialising....lockdown has compounded this.