Is it appropriate for my mum to track my phone if I'm 18?

[Kyle19]

Probably not the best place to post but it's the only thing I could think of.

I think my mum is struggling to accept the fact I'm now a grown man. She told me last night that she thinks I should go to bed earlier (I'm always asleep sometime between 11pm and 2am, which as far as I know is pretty normal for someone my age). She also said that she can see everything I do on my phone and when I'm doing it. I felt really uncomfortable when she said that as the first thing that popped into my head was that I watch a bit of porn sometimes. She paid for the phone itself and gave it to me as a Christmas gift and my Dad pays the Sky bill (I don't earn a wage as I'm still at college, they've both said they're happy to support me financially until I'm ready to do what I want to do, which I'm extremely grateful for).

I take into account that she paid for the phone so she's probably well within her rights to do this, but is it normal? Does anyone else do it with their 18 year olds? Really not sure wether I should say something to her or just deal with it until I can get myself a phone

No, I don't think it is appropriate. I have a 21yo (Uni) and 17yo (school) at home and I wouldn't dream of going through their phones, never have. I hope that lots of conversations about internet safety and making sure they know they can talk to me about anything, however embarrassing, will help them make sensible decisions.

The bedtime thing is probably just habit though, I do find myself saying to the 17yo "don't stay up too late, it's a school night" but that's because she has a 6am start and often a 12 hour school day with extra curricular stuff. Irritating but not a biggie.

The fact that she paid for the phone is irrelevant. It was a gift to you, not a leash. A parent should not be tracking their 18 year old's phone. You are entitled to your privacy, and I suggest you tell your mother to stop this now.

Most mums worry about their kids, no matter how old.
As a mum of a recent 18-year old, I can say that it takes some doing to make the transition. I wouldn't track his phone unless he asked me to. I do expect him to be a bit more careful and responsible than he was last week.

My parents started to track me at 19 (because I asked for it, for a specifics Occasion) however they continued too, even though I said I wasn’t countable with, So eventually I had to ask her to stop.

No your mum shouldn’t be tracking you at 18. Personally think 16 is pushing it

My son is 18 and I don’t check his phone. I try and keep a bit of an eye on what he’s up to by asking him, and paying attention to how he is behaving, but he’s had a few problems over the years.
I pay his contract but it’s his phone. If I was really worried about him I might be tempted to have a look but there would have to be a really good reason. I wouldn’t routinely, no.

How do you mean track? Like find my friends app on iPhone?

Does your mum still pay for everything? You aren't really a grown man until you pay your own bills. I wouldn't track my kids phone at 18 unless there was a reason. Enjoy being a teenager with no responsibility while you still can.

I'm not sure what you mean by track? Do you mean something like google location where she can see where you are or can she actually see what you do, what apps you use and websites you visit and see what you are saying in messenger?

I would say something to her, ask her exactly what she has seen and how she has seen it.

As for the bed thing it is normal, as is nagging about eating well. That's just normal mum stuff!

I'm pretty sure she can track who you send messages to and the numbers you call but not the contents of the messages or the websites you go on. Unless you have a joint icloud maybe? Or leave your history on.

Our eldest is 18 and there is no way we'd track his phone, in fact we never have. How is she tracking it? There will be a way you can stop this yourself, more than likely a factory reset of your phone and a few other changes.

It doesn't matter if she pays the contract, we pay the majority of our sons, as he's at college. Tracking isn't on in my opinion.

Stop the phone tracking, it is inappropriate for your mother to do that at your age.

That is seriously creepy. Of course it's not ok for her to track you on your phone.

Yes you are legally an adult but you are also living under your mum's roof.

I say this as an 18 year old who had very strict parents which lead to some situations that would not have happened had they been more sensible.

Unfortunately I think the phone access is reasonable, if you are accessing porn and come across something illegal (you might not realise it is) it is your mum's house that is going to be searched by the police.

Can your mum sleep if you are awake? If she can't then you are keeping her awake until 2.00 am sometimes.

You probably need a long talk with your mum (and dad, from the way you have written it seems they are separated).

Think what restrictions you could have if you were in uni halls or lodging in a private house.

If you were in uni halls you would probably have electronic access to the building but possibly not the room, that means the uni can record who is in the building. You would also have room inspections a couple of times a year.

Make a list of things that you think will work eg if you are at home at 10.30 the outside doors are locked for the night and will not be opened until morning.

If you are out then what will you do do that your mum knows you are home (think about a fire situation) maybe have a hook somewhere where you will put you keys.

Things you will not do after your mum is in bed. I'm thinking cooking, lighting candles, things your mum will worry about.

Don't forget to include your parents in the conversation. What worries them?

You should be able to turn it off. Check the settings.

My adult son and I share our location. But it can be turned off.

The whole family share their location, we always have.

Do you mean this? Just disable it in settings if it's android, or press stop sharing my location on iPhone.

No, your mother shouldn't be checking your phone.
Stop watching port. It objectifies women, and gives men an unrealistic view of women. Do better.

She shouldn't be doing this at 18. At that age I'd left home, my parents had no idea what I was doing but I paid for myself.

I'm 48 and DS1 21 tracks my phone! My friend 62 tracks her DD 40 phone and her DD tracks hers! But we live very rurally and alone, so not quite the same!

DN 18 has her own phone and pays for her own contract, no tracking by my DSis.

When both of my DSs turned 18, they got and paid for their own phones on contract. I didn't and do not track them. DSs and DN all in full time education but with part time jobs.

As for 'bedtime', that's probably more about consideration for the rest of the household. No one wants their sleep disturbed if you're still active at 2am especially if they have to be up for work in the morning. As a 'grown man' you'll have some consideration and understanding of the situation.

@sashh

Yes you are legally an adult but you are also living under your mum's roof.

I say this as an 18 year old who had very strict parents which lead to some situations that would not have happened had they been more sensible.

Unfortunately I think the phone access is reasonable, if you are accessing porn and come across something illegal (you might not realise it is) it is your mum's house that is going to be searched by the police.

Can your mum sleep if you are awake? If she can't then you are keeping her awake until 2.00 am sometimes.

You probably need a long talk with your mum (and dad, from the way you have written it seems they are separated).

Think what restrictions you could have if you were in uni halls or lodging in a private house.

If you were in uni halls you would probably have electronic access to the building but possibly not the room, that means the uni can record who is in the building. You would also have room inspections a couple of times a year.

Make a list of things that you think will work eg if you are at home at 10.30 the outside doors are locked for the night and will not be opened until morning.

If you are out then what will you do do that your mum knows you are home (think about a fire situation) maybe have a hook somewhere where you will put you keys.

Things you will not do after your mum is in bed. I'm thinking cooking, lighting candles, things your mum will worry about.

Don't forget to include your parents in the conversation. What worries them?

The phone access is completely unreasonable. Mobile phones weren't invented when I was 18, but if they were and my parents wanted access to it (they probably would have), they would have been told no.

Just because the OP is under their mothers roof, doesn't mean privacy cannot be expected. I would be removing any access she had to the phone immediately.

Does she mean location tracking? At your age that should only be if you agree; I think it has some uses but shouldn’t be abused. I’m not sure how she’d be able to see anything else on your phone but if she can then it’s not appropriate.
With the bedtime thing it depends how she said it; if she’s giving you her opinion then fine but if she’s telling you then no.

My eldest is 17, and I haven't checked her phone in a long time - I trust her to come to me with problems.
We all have Google location sharing switched on, but its only really used when someone needs picked up somewhere or something - although I used it on occasion last year when school texted to say she wasn't in class, I could check and tell them her phone was in school, so chances were she was too!
I normally have no idea what time she goes to bed, as long as she's not disturbing the rest of the household shes welcome to stay awake all night if she wants. Shes not allowed to complain shes tired though, if she chooses to stay awake all night then she has to deal with it the next day.

@Oldestchild90s

I'm pretty sure she can track who you send messages to and the numbers you call but not the contents of the messages or the websites you go on. Unless you have a joint icloud maybe? Or leave your history on.

We are on this family sharing thing, me, mum, stepdad, sister and brother. My dad pays 3/5 of the bill. What's weird is my sister, 16, moved out a few months ago and she doesn't track her phone at all and has to drag it out of her by phone call to even know where she is and what she's doing. She attempted suicide inly a year ago so if I was her parent [and I don't mean this disrespectfully in any way] I wouldn't have let her go. I still live at home, have had mental health issues and still do but I'm getting better. I've done work placement at a pre-school since September and one woman, 35 who works there has become my best friend. My mum was quite worried about this as at the time I was 17 and she was thinking our relationship was inappropriate (not interested in her sexually at all, she has a husband of nine years and four children). She said to me one night that I message her a lot. The only friends that I have are the women who I work with, which makes my relationships with them extra important to me. Come home from my dad's one day and she's there like she's best pals with my mum.

Turn any tracking off.
You’re 18. This is inappropriate. You’re an adult. You are allowed work friends.
I have had work friends many many years older than myself.

@Kyle19 Sorry to hear about the situation. You have basically explained my step mum!! My poor sister is 18 and goes through the same sort of thing (although her phone is never tracked) it is a very sticky situation, your mum sounds extra protective over you and it must feel like you cannot breathe sometimes. Unfortunately, as you are under her roof she will probably use the excuse 'my rules' and to extent i suppose she is right although you are old enough to tell her where to stick it 😂

When you speak to her about it what does she say? Have you thought about getting out a contract in your own name if you can afford it?

[quote Oldestchild90s]@Kyle19 Sorry to hear about the situation. You have basically explained my step mum!! My poor sister is 18 and goes through the same sort of thing (although her phone is never tracked) it is a very sticky situation, your mum sounds extra protective over you and it must feel like you cannot breathe sometimes. Unfortunately, as you are under her roof she will probably use the excuse 'my rules' and to extent i suppose she is right although you are old enough to tell her where to stick it 😂

When you speak to her about it what does she say? Have you thought about getting out a contract in your own name if you can afford it? [/quote]
I would if I could afford it but I basically rely on birthday and Christmas money, plus money that I earn from babysitting siblings (usually £10 for an evening, £30 if it's overnight). With that I buy all my own clothes, shoes, and recently managed to redecorate my bedroom on that budget. My mum has just come out of hospital after having sepsis as a result of a stomach infection and my sister was taken in last week so I've been looking after my four young siblings at home as my stepdad has been at the hospital 24/7, so she's very tired. Whenever I walk into a room and she's there I just never know what yo expect her to say to me. I did hear her talk about this to her friend once and she was saying how sometimes she feels guilty about the way she speaks to me but it always feels like she means it.