Hidden second phone...

[Benzer01]

14yo DD. Has denied having this old household iphone 5 multiple times when asked (could have come in handy a few times). I firmly believed she did have it stashed in her room, & had the chance to look today.
Backstory; she's the eldest of 4 & has always pushed our limits & been caught out lying a few times. Literally any time she's been allowed to do anything social; her first disco she changed her outfit & wore next to nothing. Posted pics & I saw them. At a sleepover she's been out in the village running around at 4am with the girl she stayed with. (She took pictures & I knew she was acting strangely so checked her phone & found them).

She has taken this phone before & was grounded when caught.
She has lied multiple times about smaller things & I think she may have taken money from my purse in the past.
I don't know what to do...
Guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been in this position & how they've handled it?
I am ashamed to say I don't like her very much ATM. I hate liars & she lies CONSTANTLY about little & clearly large issues & I hate not believing her about anything..
Can't get into the phone...it's on airplane mode & locked with a 6 digit passcode.

I’ve only joined here today about my 19 year old son and he is very much like your daughter with the lying.
Could you threaten her with the police Or going to stay somewhere else for a while if she keeps lying etc? Just a thought x

Can you reset the password at all?

Tell her you want the password!

It sounds like hard work tbh is there anything else going on? Bullying, lockdown anxiety etc?

She needs to take accountability for actions. Ground then remove items as appropriate. Give her things to do about the house. Make her earn your trust back. Would chatting about the lying make her feel different???

About 8 months ago My 14 year old had a second phone which was one of mine , one evening I caught her slipping it under her bed . We all leave our phones downstairs at night so she was using the second phone late at night
14 is a difficult age all i hear is my friends get this my friends go there it’s never ending
I usually try to have a one to one chat with her asking what she feels is acceptable their frontal lobes aren’t fully developed so reasoning is very difficult
Teens are trying to find themselves at this age but also need boundaries maybe tell her if she’s going to behave inappropriately at sleep overs you’ll put a stop to them
As for stealing I think there would need to be prove that she took the money. Teens are a nightmare we were all one once 🙈

Sorry as for passwords I’ve got all my daughters and told her that’s the way it stays until she pays the bills , if she changes them I’ll have the phone disconnected she is only 14

Keep the phone now you've found it - pretty easily solves the problem of her having it. If you need to use it, check whether you can carry out a factory reset by button press rather than thru any menu (honestly don't know).

Did we tell our parents everything
We where lucky no phones or photos off evidence
Teenagers will lie to get to do what they know we would not allow.

What she wants it for is the biggest concern. I've got two teenage dds and I would have no problem at all taking all internet devices from them until they moved out if this happened. 14 is still incredibly young to be posting photos wearing 'next to nothing'.

Does she fully understand that they are out there forever once she releases them? The story that I used on my dds was that if the wife of Jeremy Forrest who was the teacher who took the 14 year old school child to france. After they recovered them from France the media weren't allowed to identify the child any more as she was no longer a missing child, she was the victim so the newspapers ran out of things to write about the case so instead they used all the social media photos of his complexly innocent wife. She was in the papers every damn day. Eating an ice cream, out with her friends, getting married. All from her social media. Poor woman couldn't have seen that coming!

Does she ride a bike? Is she out of the house a lot?

If she's out of the house a lot I'd be worried about county lines type stuff.

Shoes...we live in a v rural area so I'm not worried about drugs etc. She rarely goes anywhere I haven't taken her apart from school...2buses as we're so rural.
Applejack-same in this house. All devices downstairs by 21.30 (21.00 pre lockdown). She feels we're v strict & I know her 'bestie' is fairly nocturnal. I feel that I'm way more relaxed then, eg my parents were & my sister is...but of course 14yo DD doesn't see that. She helps a lot around the house, but has a really bad attitide at times & is very selfish & arrogant. Not at all pleasant to her 3 younger siblings sometimes. I am really intolerant to all this behaviour, hence her feeling that I'm unfair & strict. My relationship with her is definitely strained at times, whereas with my 12yo DD it's so loving. I know she sees the contrast & feels it, bur can't seem to see that it's her own doing!!
I'm not confronting her until I've figured out what I'm going to do; I told her the last time she was in trouble that if there was a next time te consequences would be drastic. She swore blind to me the day before I found the phone that I could trust her & I allowed her to meet her friend. The phone was in the bag she took out that day, so she was obviously using it to send & receive messages I wouldn't see if I checked her phone. I'm assuming she was meeting other ppl besides this one friend...AAAAAAGHHHHHH. Bloody teenagers!

Did you talk to her today?

Might be a boyfriend,She's hiding something.
Id definitely be talking to her about sex if you haven't already. I know 14is young but some of these kids of today think they are adults.

No, haven't spoken to her yet. Her dad & I have been trying to discuss the situation, and it's SO hard to get even 5 mins to have a conversation ATM. I want to be calm & measured & have a strategy in place. I am seriously considering taking her expensive iphone (which I pay for) off her & giving her the old iphone 5 she was hiding, to use instead. I'm due an upgrade & I am resentful at paying a fortune for her to lie to me & betray me. I feel that she needs to regret her actions & understand why it's so important to have trust in a relationship, but I'm not sure how I go about that...especially in Lockdown. Punishments like grounding her have been our go-to in the past but they clearly haven't worked. Any thoughts or suggestions of where I could turn to for advice/reading material?

I think taking the expensive iPhone is a good lesson. If she wants the iphone 5 so much then she can have it.

Does living in a rural area rule out drugs?

Do you really believe that rural areas don’t have drugs? Even in my day they did - and I’m 47.

she wants the iphone 5 so much then she can have it

Agree

No, I guess I am well aware that there are drugs in many places inc rural areas. We are not in Eng & drugs aren't a huge issue in our general area. I am with her most of the time she's not at school, so I wasn't suspicious of that being a problem. She has a v time consuming hobby which she's in tip top physical shape for, don't think drugs are something she'd be involved in. My feeling is she just wants more space from us & time with her friends &/or boys so prefers to have internet access when she wants & not just our terms....But I work in healthcare & TBF nothing surprises me anymore, so maybe I do need to start being more concerned. I know she thinks we're strict, so I'm worried that clamping down too hard will only serve to push her further away & to rebel even more. But I cannot get away from the lack of trust I have in her. That needs to change before she gets more freedom, so I'm not really sure where we go from here.

You sit down and you have a chat with her.
You start by asking what she wants and the. You work out a way for her to achieve what she wants.

For example, she wants her phone not to be taken away at night, then she needs to be off her phone with it on charge other side of the bed by 11pm.

If she want to stay out later then on Fridays and weekends she can have an hour or two longer than during the week as long as she is home on time during the week.

You talk, you listen and you compromise.

Get that password for the phone. When my daughter was 14, she had a second phone and facebook I didn't know about. She was using them to meet up with a 27 year old man, had organised to buy weed and drink with friends, and had gotten a tattoo. I was completely blindsided as I had been checking her normal phone and obviously there was nothing on there, and there was no change in her behaviour to me.
I called the police, who spoke to them both. There was no actual evidence anything had happened, and they said nothing had so it got dropped, but it did scare the hell out of her. She was grounded for about 6 months I think altogether. For about a year I checked her phone every night, and made sure she had access to no money outside of me. She took packed lunch, pocket money stopped, made sure her dad and family were on board. I let up a bit as she got older, and I could trust her more.
Thankfully she's now 18 and heading off to uni to study social work, with a lovely boyfriend. She enjoys a night out and a drink, but nothing that's not normal for a 18 year old.

Tell her you will pay for nothing unless she gives you the password. And you will hand it to the police to investigate as your are frightened for her safety. That should do the trick

Thanks Son. Helpful & constructive.

I'd keep hold of the phone and wait for her to ask for it back! If she shouldn't have it in the first place she'll hate having to admit she did to ask for it back. Then you can open the conversation from there. I think being calm will be key though. If she's like me at 14 she'll get a right mard on and be shouty...but hopefully if you stay Uber calm she will realise shouting gets her nowhere. I always knew I was in deep s**t if mom was calm and quiet, much more effective than when she shouted at me.