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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14yo DD has insta boyfriend

48 replies

Borridge · 02/06/2020 20:30

14yo has met a 15 going on 16yo on instagram. He has become her boyfriend. The advantage is that he lives in another country.

And she talks to him on FaceTime, so she knows he is real.

But I have no clue what I need to watch out for or warn her about.
I have proposed to meet him online and she agreed to this.
And we’ve spoken about nude pictures.

Any further tips from wise MNers?

OP posts:
Janet38373 · 02/06/2020 22:11

14 is too young to date. She should be focused on studies instead. Young teen relationships don't really mean much and they don't tend to last. Don't see the point in them. he lives in another country. It's not going to work out.

Original poster
Borridge · 03/06/2020 18:04

I agree with 14 being too young. But are you saying I should let it run its course?
I am worried about nude pictures etc

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2020 18:06

He may be "real" but he may not be 15. I would be very wary of I were you.

Original poster
Borridge · 03/06/2020 18:10

I am wary but apart from meeting him online myself and giving Him the third degree I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2020 18:15

You could set some ground rules. For example, when she is face timing, her bedroom door remains open or she has to be in the living room. You will be checking her phone any time you choose, and if she hesitates in handing it over, she loses it for a week, 2 weeks, whatever.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 03/06/2020 18:19

She needs to appreciate it's not like a fumble round the back of the bike sheds now. Anything she does or doesn't do can get screenshot, saved, shared and stored on the web forever.

So glad I'm not a teenager now, and I was positively angelic!

Original poster
Borridge · 03/06/2020 18:35

She has no clue what a fumble behind the shed feels like or means. This is a millennial. Sadly I believe that this is a new normal.

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 03/06/2020 18:38

@borridge she's a decade younger than the youngest millenials...

Janet38373 · 03/06/2020 18:47

@Borridge I'd suggest being a bit strict with your daughter and tell her she's too young to have a bf. She should be focusing on school. I think @Aquamarine1029 has good rules. Suggest that she should just be friends with that boy.

Susanna85 · 03/06/2020 18:49

14 is too young to date. She should be focused on studies instead.

Someone's forgotten what it's like to be 14!

I think it's completely normal that a 14 year old is starting to verge into the 'I have a boyfriend' stage. As you say you've had the conversation about nude pictures. It will be important to monitor her phone and to give her some limits on wifi use / screen time. And follow the safety online advice for parents.

But what else can you do! If you try and forbid her from speaking to him it's unlikely to go well and you could lose her trust if she feels able to talk to you and tell you what's going on.

Janet38373 · 03/06/2020 18:54

@Susanna85 I wasn't allowed to date (but then again I'm Pakistani) . Teen relationships will always end and it will inevitably lead to heartbreak and crying. At 14 you should be focusing on school, and hanging with friends on the weekend. Theres no actual "love" at 14.

Fightthebear · 03/06/2020 18:54

I also disagree that teen relationships don’t mean much. They’re often so powerful and an important part of psycho-sexual development.

I would never dismiss or trivialise teen relationships or their importance. You’ve done the right things by warning her of risks, just keep an eye on her.

Original poster
Borridge · 03/06/2020 18:59

I think forbidding it is futile.

How do I tell her she can speak to him but he can’t be her boyfriend. I mean what s a virtual boyfriend anyway?

OP posts:
Fightthebear · 03/06/2020 19:01

Did you ever have a holiday romance/pen pal? Sounds a bit similar?

I remember around that age the status of having a boyfriend was so important.

Janet38373 · 03/06/2020 19:01

Say that he's just someone you met online and you should start out as friends and get to know each other. You could "forbid" if you are strict and enforce discipline. Though encouraging her to start out as friends is probably more sensible.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/06/2020 19:01

What difference does it make if he's her boyfriend or not if you allow her to speak to him?
The risk of course is that she might send him sexualised images or vice versa and you need to speak to her about this ASAP. I'd also ask him to send a photo of his ID so you can verify his age as far as possible, and make sure you take her phone off her at night if you aren't already.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2020 19:02

How do I tell her she can speak to him but he can’t be her boyfriend. I mean what s a virtual boyfriend anyway?

I don't know why you'd bother. You know he's not a boyfriend, she's probably never going to meet him, so the point is moot. You can't really prevent her from referring to him as her "boyfriend" anyway. I wouldn't even worry about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2020 19:03

Ask him if you can say a quick hello to his parents. His reaction might be telling.

curtainsforme · 03/06/2020 19:05

Why is she 'meeting' people on Instagram?

She is 14. Her instagram should be people she knows only. Sort her account out so she can't add random people. The next one might be an abusive man from your local community.

DrFoxtrot · 03/06/2020 19:06

OP I'm in the same situation with my daughter who is 'in a relationship' with an American girl and apparently has been for 9 months. I feel like she's expending energy on something that will never work out and might stop her from meeting someone in real life. Although Covid is doing that anyway right now.

I'm hoping it's a phase, like a crush or holiday romance as PP mentioned. I've no advice as I don't know what to do either, if anything.

DrFoxtrot · 03/06/2020 19:07

The American girl is real as I've seen and heard her on video chat etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2020 19:09

Her account should be private. How did she end up adding him?

Original poster
Borridge · 03/06/2020 20:02

She saw his insta story and followed him is how she explains it. Is that possible?

I had a first boyfriend at 18 even though I certainly wanted one at 14 or even younger.

OP posts:
curtainsforme · 03/06/2020 20:09

She saw his insta story and followed him is how she explains it. Is that possible?

You, as the parent, have a responsibility to teach her how to use the internet safely. Why have you not told her she should not be following and taking to absolute strangers?

I had a first boyfriend at 18 even though I certainly wanted one at 14 or even younger.

This isn't about having a boyfriend. Lots of 14 year olds go out, it's common in school. Your real issue here is the internet safety.

Janet38373 · 03/06/2020 20:17

@curtainsforme
I really don't think 14 year olds should go out. Come on. The relationship won't last/build into anything serious. They'd probably break up and have to awkwardly avoid each other in school. Priorities should be school work at that age.

But yes internet safety is key. I always think in real life friendships and connections are better and stronger.