14yo DD has insta boyfriend

[Borridge]

14yo has met a 15 going on 16yo on instagram. He has become her boyfriend. The advantage is that he lives in another country.

And she talks to him on FaceTime, so she knows he is real.

But I have no clue what I need to watch out for or warn her about.
I have proposed to meet him online and she agreed to this.
And we’ve spoken about nude pictures.

Any further tips from wise MNers?

I really don't think 14 year olds should go out.

So? They do, it's normal.

@Janet38373 you're practically victorian! I had my first boyfriend at 14, as did the majority of my friends. There was a little heartbreak and crying, but it's a rite of passage!

It's incredibly unhealthy for anyone's full focus to be on school. Hobbies, social life, other interests - all this is incredibly important. Otherwise she'll end up miserable and massively one-dimensional, and she'll struggle later in life.

She has an insta boyfriend right now because her whole life is online. Go with @Aquamarine1029's rules and let her have her fun.

@curtainsforme grew up in a Pakistani household, this is probably why I don't see it as normal. Still don't see any real long term benefit from it

grew up in a Pakistani household, this is probably why I don't see it as normal. Still don't see any real long term benefit from it

There doesn't have to be a long term benefit from everything we do. I guess your view of life is very different to mine so I shall just leave the discussion there.

Janet38373, long term benefit is that she will marry him? I should hope not.

And you would not enter into a relationship because there may be heartache? That s potentially every single relationship out there!

I'm with @curtainsforme 100%

I had 'boyfriends' in primary school, and indeed was in love at 14! It never affected my studies. Having a crush is exciting and forbidding that just seems cruel to me.

Internet safety is 100% the issue and they're bound to have shared pics already...that's where my focus would be. Love the idea of meeting his parents!!

@borridge glad to see you're not taking Janet's puritanical nonsense to heart.

I think you don't have too much to worry about. Your daughter is cooped up and bored, her whole life is online right now. You've done everything right wanting to meet him and talking about nudes, I'd go with the door open rules and try not to stress too much about it.

Have you seen him on FaceTime?

You must educate her on it sending nudes! So many are then blackmailed to send money or the nudes are leaked.

I'll just add that that those friends with the strictest parents seemed to rebel the most as young teenagers.

Asking to meet his parents is a good idea. I mean he's 15 so shouldn't be too difficult. What country is he in out of interest?

It can be a safe way of trying out a "relationship". Provided DD is sensible guided by you.

FYI I watched an episode of "world's strictest parents" where the mother only let her child date when he reached 18. And I think it was due to the emotional maturity you reach as you approach 18. There is a difference from an 18 year old and a 14 year old.

@Janet38373 you don't need emotional maturity to date! You might as well say you have to be 18 to have friends!

FYI I watched an episode of "world's strictest parents" where the mother only let her child date when he reached 18.

The fact that it was in 'worlds strictest parents' isn't really a good point.

And I think it was due to the emotional maturity you reach as you approach 18. There is a difference from an 18 year old and a 14 year old.

You have no idea at all how this emotional maturity develops?

@curtainsforme makes a good point. Emotional maturity doesnt appear by magic out of nowhere, it comes with experience. If you don't experience things, you don't mature.

@Janet38373 is clearly in her own bubble if she thinks teenage relationships don't mean much.
They absolutely do. It's personal & emotional development for a start.

Your views are outdated and irrelevant here because OPs DD is interested in having a boyfriend. And many 21st century parents don't believe forbidding teenage relationships.

OP there are ways you can manage this to keep her safe and allow her to grow and have a little independence / experiment in an open and loving home environment. Of course online safety is important and it sounds like you've been able to speak to her about it.

Thanks all. I will meet him and grill him

Thanks all. I will meet him and grill him

I thought he lived in another country?

I second the idea of seeing some ID on screen. Don’t prewarn him, just ask him to fetch some. Or check with his parents.

Also warn your dd about voice recording as well as nude pics. If she’s saying sexual stuff then it can be recorded and used back at her. Keep it as if a parent is in the room!

There is a potential for cyber bullying but there is in all real life friendships and relationships too.

Otherwise go for it. Sounds like a nice distraction for her during lockdown.

Curtains, I meant a FaceTime grilling.

I have a different view. 14 is certainly not too young to date and people are being very unrealistic there.

I met my best friend online when I was 14 and I am 38 now. We are still friends and have met up many times. I also met a boy online when i was 16 and we dated for 4 years and i met him several times. My mum wasn't happy about either, but now admits she was wrong.

Having said that, you need to put some safeguarding things in place such as face timing with the door open or downstairs.

I am interested in true crime and honestly, a lot of the girls who go missing meet people online and a lot of the time the parents forbid it and it goes underground. I encourage instead keeping an open conversation so if he does something she is uncomfortable with, she will come to you. A lot of the young people I meet through work have online boyfriends or girlfriends and there comes a point (usually 18) where parents can't do much to prevent them chatting to randoms. That doesn't put them at any less risk so better to have this situation to instill sensible behaviours into her while you still have the influence and control to do so. Just my thoughts though.

Also, teenage relationships do end but not all of them do, a girl I know met her now husband in primary school. Also I am still friends with some of mine, they are still important to me.

If you are worried about age ask him to show his passport or birth cert

I met my best friend online when I was 14 and I am 38 now. We are still friends and have met up many times. I also met a boy online when i was 16 and we dated for 4 years and i met him several times.

Meh. The good old 'but I was fine' as if the internet hasn't changed in 20 odd years.

It's not ok to add random people when you are 14, no matter how it turned out for one person 2 decades ago.

@curtainsforme I was countering the idea expressed by another poster that people cannot form lasting or meaningful relationships online. Also explaining that forcing such things underground doesn't end well a lot of the time. I work with young people and am also interested in true crime, so I am hardly naive about the dangers of the internet. But I am also not naive enough to think young people cannot access the internet outside of their homes or get past restrictions with parents who aren't as good with tech.

I would also chat to guys on my friends internet, who had no restrictions, as do many of the young people I meet. This is something the police themselves have commented during workshops I have attended - putting restrictions on your own internet doesn't stop potential interactions with predators. It is a start, but closing down the conversation with "just don't do it" isn't going to work in every situation or with every teen. It just sets up a divide between you and your child that can be exploited.

What I actually suggested was opening dialogues about internet safety and responsible online behavior before they are too old for you to get a say. That can also include telling her not to add random people of course, but the horse has bolted a bit on that one already.

The issue here is most certainly internet safety rather than whether she should have a boyfriend. Lots of teenagers that age go out and it is often innocent and just hanging about together. But this is online, and as parents we don't have a frame of reference as to how to advise our teenagers. This is all about ensuring this kid is who he says he is and that your daughter is not doing anything online to make herself vulnerable. The very fact that she's formed this relationship in the first place suggests she is naive about the potential consequences of her safety. Have a look at the resources on the CEOP website. This needs to be a wider conversation about how she looks after and respects herself rather than about a random kid she has found to speak to. This link has useful information.

www.thinkuknow.co.uk/14_plus/