Do your children get along?

[NCTDN]

Dd is 16 and a stroppy teen. Ds is 13 and miserable with a foul temper. It really upsets me to see them bickering all the time They seem to struggle to say a civil word to each other. Everything is the other ones fault. DD tried to parent ds which makes him react badly so the shouting starts. Help.

I have ds 16 and dd (just) 14. I’m not going to say they get along famously as you didn’t come on here to hear how much everyone else’s kids get on but they’re not too bad - I think I’m lucky with the reversed genders because realistically my dd is as capable in many ways as my ds so he couldn’t parent her if his life depended on it.

Can you find opportunities to praise something good about them both so that they feel good about themselves and each other? This might encourage them to feel more kindly disposed towards their sibling and therefore remove the inclination to bicker a bit?

Mum: I was talking to (grandma?) today and she asked how you two are? I said how much youre both doing x ( trying to get along?) and how difficult it is but how lovely you can both be blah blah.

I find that I can tell mine the most laughable things about themselves but they find they believe them and they become truer.

I haven’t done a very good job of explaining what I mean but hopefully you can understand?

I also find telling one that the other one really appreciated/ liked something the other one did etc works a bit. This has to be in small doses though or it seems too over the top.

It is a really stressful time though, and, like all phases with kids, it will pass.

I don't think it's obligatory to like one's siblings, tbh. I am not fond of mine.

I will snarl at DC if they are making the atmosphere poisonous for everyone, though. our family dynamic is rather like 5 grumpy ferrets in a bag, though. We can be supportive but it's all based on the basis that we threaten to barely tolerate each other in general. I guess other families work differently.

Agree with thanking them any time their being civil to each other -- easy to forget to praise them for that.

Hi NCTDN, it s the same in my house. My 13 yo is a nightmare and doesn’t even have any respect for me.

I was dreading lockdown because they normally fight constantly on the few occasions they have been obliged to share the same air.

But actually they've pleasantly surprised me. They still don't really do anything together but they are happy to join in with family activities without constantly sniping at each other. I suspect this is mainly from boredom and they will go back to fighting all the time once things are more normal.

My dd14 and ds12 get on surprisingly well tbh, and always have done. It helps, I think, that dd is a very 'non-girly' girl and they share a lot of likes - listen to the same bands, like PS4 games etc. They bicker of course, but voluntarily hang out together and do stuff together. I think finding common ground can be the key, but it's difficult if they are polar opposites in what they like and do.

I think that's part of the issue in that they have no shared interests. I read other people's posts saying they feel guilty for having an only child but here they don't speak to each other anyway!

I feel really lucky, I have son in early 30s and 21year old twins( boy and girl)
They all get on really well. Go out together, share friends and all get on with each other’s partners.
I encourage them all round on Sunday for a dinner and try to pay for a holiday for us all together every couple of years. I think this help to keep us all as a close family.

Mine fight like cat and dog (DD 15 and DS 13). They both spend a lot of time in their rooms so meal times are the flash points. I try and console myself that I didn’t get on with my two younger brothers and I do now, so there is hope!

If together too much they used to be overly competitive and squabble but they had different timetables for extracurricular activities initially, then boarding sorted out the younger ones.
Now they get along with each other but live separate lives, so it’s phone calls and weekends rather than constant presence. I know they’ll be there for each other when necessary.

My children are 17 and 10 and get on well. Never fight because they are so far apart in age and interests and they are absolute opposites plus the older always doted on the younger. (the age difference is mostly negative and this is the one positive for them)

However I had two siblings close in age to me and I hated them, possibly slightly more than they hated me. We fought all the time. My mother still talks about how awful it was. We were eventually all sent to different boarding schools to separate us . But we are now all in our 40's, live in different parts of the country and all get on very well. We are also very different but this evening I chatted to my brother on the phone for two hours. It's probably been 6 months since we spoke but we had a great chat and I am so glad to have him.

I think it's harder on parents than the waring kids mind you. A friend was told years ago to let her squabbling kids get on with it because they were learning to negotiate. So maybe invest in some good noise cancelling headphones and let them learn to their hearts content.

I'm not sure you want honest answers to the question in your thread title, op.

Yes, mine are also 13 and 16 and they are very different from one another but get on really well and have been spending a lot of time together during lockdown. My oldest has even been teaching my youngest.

We had the 'foresight' to emigrate when they were 2&5 and ripped them away from everything and everybody they knew and loved so they only had each other. 😂 So it's just like deja vu now.

@Chicchicchicchiclana what do you mean?
I know they're both finding things tough as the minute and are taking it out on each other. They seem to get along when on holiday and they don't have a choice but why is it different at home when there's no friends about there either?

Well, you've answered your own question really!

No. Constant fights, always instigated by the 11yr old. They're going to different secondary schools to make sure her older brother has a decent break from her.

I have 2 DS', 15 and 13. They mostly get along but this has been made easier since we made a 3rd bedroom so they don't have to share.

DS1 made pancakes last night and DS2 told him they were "even better than the ones friends Mum makes".

They do bicker as well but not as much as they used to.

My two are similar ages and bicker a lot. No similar interests at all so hard to find things to do together. Even things like watching a film together is difficult as they can never agree.

Yes. Dd is 15 and DS 13. They have always got on exceptionally well, I think largely down to dd being very tolerant. They have similar interests and with 3 academic years between them and being different sexes, don't really seem to compete. To be honest, they get on so well, D's appears to have almost no motivation to spend time with anyone else, which is not that great really. He's pretty antisocial outside of school.

Mine (15 and 17) get on, but from a young age they ganged up on me and DH rather than each other

A more healthy dynamic than child vs child

But this may just be luck

Anyone who does have kids that get along able to give any advice on how to improve the situation? Dd is 15 and ds is 12 no shared interests at all currently. We are often very much a split household with dd and I doing things together and dh and ds. So if we all go to the cinema we'll see different films!

The one good thing is when we go on holiday they often bicker a lot less. Also days out tend to be ok too. They have a totally separate friendship group too obviously given their age/genders.

I think it’s hard at the moment with everyone forced into being constantly together.

I think a straightforward no squabbling rule helps but probably needed imposing from a younger age.
I think expecting everyone to do the same things together outside of special events, day trips etc is a bit unreasonable. Why should they have the same interests. Much better different activities that can then be discussed over the supper table.
Work out what the triggers are and sort those

• if it’s access to television programme set a timetable with each person choosing a couple of programmes or buy a second television.

• if it’s use of games console. Give tokens for time and a booking system.
• if it’s mealtime. Enforce rules.

Squabbling needs shutting down immediately. Allowing a little bit gives the wrong message and it escalates. Same with allowing play fighting.

@ifoughtforliberty I think a lot of it is down to luck and age. Mine are both boys and only 2 years apart. They currently like a lot of the same shit stuff, but also separate stuff.
They argued a lot more a year or 2 ago when DS2 was still a 'child' so wouldn't watch anything with swearing, any mention of sex at all (he used to cover his eyes if people kissed). Since he's matured a bit they have started enjoying the same things again and argue less.

I wouldn't say there is any obvious triggers as such. It's quite random. Who ate the last bag of cheese and onion crisps or who sat in the front seat last time or who last laid the table or emptied the dishwasher. Just silly things. The worst ones is the who has biggest slice of something or say there is one strawberry milkshake left so I say share it. They are out there measuring it drop by drop it's utterly ridiculous given their ages

@CherryPavlova they have squabbled since they were little. I have always tried to stop it but obviously not that successfully! No play fighting tho luckily.

I think I’d be tempted to take both slices of cake away and put one milkshake away until I reordered more. It’s horrible and I cannot pretend ours never did - which is partly why we encouraged separate activities most of the time. It will pass.