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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Wracked with guilt and scarred my kids

30 replies

Tobbay · 11/05/2020 14:15

I am a single mum and have my boys 24/7.

I hardly ever go out and am always there for my boys.

I'm harsly ever drink but this weekend made a terrible judgement and am now wracked with guilt.

I basically went to my friends saturday aft as the boys were at their dad's but promised to be back by 8pm. To point out they are 17 and 13yrs...

But I hadn't eaten all day and was given gin and obviously got "in the zone" and got so drunk, due to not really ever drinking, not eaten a thing and the heat.....they were getting worried when I wasnt home on time but I didnt answer their phone calls as phone was on vibrate and I was too drunk to think to check and they got really worried... I ended up getting home 3 hrs late and then telling them I have no life because of them! I dont really mean that, they are my world...

I've completely let my boys down.

I feel like a terrible, terrible mother and person

I just wondered have you ever disappointed yourself or let someone down when you did drink? And if so, how did you deal with it?

When I overthink it, I feel that I've scarred my children for life and hurt them (they are 17 and 13 so you know, so not young)

But then if I think rationally I think it's not as if I was out all night and never came back. I was back at 11pm, didnt hear their calls and did try to ring them to say I was coming home (however I was slurring, how awful).

And of course we are only human, we all make slip ups and i certainly never intended to go out and get wasted then make my kids worry.... but i did do that and i am beating myself up badly about it.

I'm waffling but any insight into if you've been in a similar boat ever would maybe help me process it and stop feeling so awful x

OP posts:
babymaybeeee · 11/05/2020 14:17

Sounds like you have broken social distancing and therefore put your children's life at risk and others too, if that is the case you should be ashamed of yourself. Going on a walk or something like that I would understand but going out to get pissed just sounds ridiculous- we are all in the same boat and all finding it hard and some idiots think it's okay to meet up and get pissed with friends

Original poster
Tobbay · 11/05/2020 14:21

I have to add this was in a garden at 3m distance

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 11/05/2020 14:21

My kids are adults now but like to remind me of the time they had to walk me home drunk and I fell asleep on their bed (they had a bunk) and I was singing and trying to walk on the road. They were 6 and 9 at the time. It was a once off and I felt guilty as hell! But no harm done... they were unscathed and grew up just fine. Maybe even the 17 year old will be able to relate when he begins to go out and maybe forgets to keep in touch. You’re human and you got pissed and talked shit- explain that you didn’t mean it and were drunk but apologise for worrying them and upsetting them. But don’t go OTT. It wasn’t that awful tbh.

Isadora2007 · 11/05/2020 14:21

And ignore the arseholes like @babymaybeeee

Leah00 · 11/05/2020 14:23

All you can do now is have an honest conversation with your DSs and apologise to them wholeheartedly. Admit to your mistake and acknowledge out loud to them what it must have done to them, and what you wished you had done instead. Give them a chance to tell you exactly how it made them feel, and validate it and empathise with it - don't minimise anything.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 11/05/2020 14:25

I think telling your children that you have no life because of them is awful. But then so is disappearing and them not being able to contact you and mixing households.

Original poster
Tobbay · 11/05/2020 14:26

@Isadora2007 yes I've done that and explained my heart out Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobbay · 11/05/2020 14:27

@Isadora2007 Thank you for your kind and supportive words

OP posts:
Witchofzog · 11/05/2020 14:27

I promised my son an Easter Egg hunt once when he was little but got plied with shots on a rare night out and ended up crawling round the floor with him so I didn't let him down. He is 18 now and likes to remind me. He is not scarred at all.

Tell your boys what you said on here. That they are your world and you didn't mean it. One day you WILL all laugh about this. Your actions over the last decade or so mean more than one blip

Optimist1 · 11/05/2020 14:28

Now that they're not worried about you, your boys probably think it was pretty funny that their mother got drunk. As Leah00 says, have a conversation pointing out that your behaviour on this occasion must act as a warning re keeping in touch and making sensible choices. It won't have scarred them for life.

SunshineDays2019 · 11/05/2020 14:31

I recall one time I was so drunk after a work do and was vomiting the next morning into the kitchen bin Hmm and my DD was stroking my back, saying poor mummy over and over. She was about 3 or 4! I felt so guilty but role reversal these days as the sweet girl is a teen! Luckily still has the same nature Smile Don't over apologise, it will stick in their minds more negatively. Laugh it off a bit with them, if you can, maybe not immediately, but it will become a family tale! It was a one off and they know you are a good mum x

Leah00 · 11/05/2020 14:36

I'm shocked at people saying don't 'over apologise'. Imagine how scared they must have been?!

Mrsjayy · 11/05/2020 14:47

Yes similar ages I was mortified for days even now 10 years later I inwardly die a thousand cringe deaths thinking about it. I didn't scar them but I did.embaress them talk to them they are not little kids so they might be Able to talk it through.

SunshineDays2019 · 11/05/2020 14:50

They were likely to have been worried at the time, unlikely scared at their ages, and probably thought little of it since OPs apology. She need not berate herself further, poor woman. Confused

babymaybeeee · 11/05/2020 15:12

@Isadora2007 I'm hardly the arsehole here, I'm not mixing households and guilting my children Confused don't be asking for an opinion if you do not want the reality in this case, she was out of line and people are currently dying. People are losing their family members right now and she's lashing out at hers because she's pissed up.

LittleFoxKit · 11/05/2020 15:18

The issue is not getting drunk its:
A) breaking lock down, even if your 3 meters away in a garden, what impression does that give the kids, specially when they cant go out and see friends
B) The anxiety of you not coming home and not responding to them, that can be pretty scary as you dont know if the person is okay, if something happened, and all awful things can go through your head
C) Telling them you have no life because of them. That's a low blow and depending on the children could be pretty shattering to hear coming from the mouth of a parent whether your a young child or a adult.

You definately need to apologise for B and C, explain you didnt mean it, you where irresponsible and ask how it made them feel while being quiet and listening and not being defensive.

With A you really need to think about what impression this is setting to the kids eg they shouldn't be taking lockdown seriously, or that it's unfair because you get to see friends while they dont.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 11/05/2020 15:21

I think you may have to accept that this is something that will upset them for a long time. The drinking & not being in touch & breaking lockdown (cos i bet you were rubbish at social distancing while wasted) is one thing, while I'm sure that was scary they'll get over it.

On the other hand, you told them you don't have a life because of them. The guilt and hurt that will cause will last for a while and i don't think you should sweep it under the rug by assuming that saying sorry will make it go away. You can't unsay it, they will never be able to unhear it. If I'd heard that from my mother I'd have felt like she regretted having me. I'd be alert to the possibility that they might have a lot of hurt and confusion around this for a while, and be prepared to be understanding if this comes out in their behaviour.

SneakyBlinder · 11/05/2020 15:29

Hi OP. You’re only human....you’re allowed to make a mistake.
It probably wasn’t very nice for them but I’m sure that all the good you do for them easily outweighs that one mistake!
Don’t beat yourself up. Reassure them and move on 💐

MarieQueenofScots · 11/05/2020 15:33

I see they were at their dad's when this happened but back by 8 - does he ever have them overnight?

Bumbelinadance · 11/05/2020 15:38

HI Op
You came on here to try and get some advice on how to rectify an unfortunate situation that happened and you want to make right as you are a clearly a super mum , coping with extremely difficult circumstances .
Clearly it wasn’t ideal .. however in all honesty they aren’t 7 and 3

I think it’s great advice to show them this post . Really I do .

I hope you listen to the reassurance and constructive advice most have given .
And ignore the chastisement of 1 or 2 who clearly have never made an error in their own parenting otherwise they surely wouldn’t be such MASSIVE BIG judgeypants .

Come back and let us know how your kids are once you speak to them .?

tatasa · 11/05/2020 16:23

My daughter is difficult and quite hard to live with, however I can usually deal with her quite rationally. Until that one fateful night, she was minding her own business in her room when I entered, and what I didn't say to her. I called her every name under the sun, and to make matters better....she started filming me! It took me a long time to get over that, no matter how much I apologized and she laughed at me I still felt dreadful. She told me she deleted my barrage of abuse video, but I'm not sure, it may be used for blackmail yet. Apart from that, it's all pretty much forgotten now.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 11/05/2020 16:29

And ignore the chastisement of 1 or 2 who clearly have never made an error in their own parenting otherwise they surely wouldn’t be such MASSIVE BIG judgeypants

There's a pretty massive gulf between having "never made an error" in parenting and "telling them I have no life because of them". Hmm

They'll probably forgive you. Kids forgive some awful parenting fails. But they won't forget it.

TheRealSlamShady · 11/05/2020 16:31

Least it might put them off drinking Hmm

QuillBill · 11/05/2020 16:41

There is too much drama in the whole event.
terrible judgement
Wracked with guilt
No life
My world
Terrible terrible mother and person
Disappointed yourself
Scarred my children for life

It’s not a brilliant thing to have done but it’s not the end of the bloody world. They should know who to call next at that age if you didn’t answer.

They probably did get a fright when they couldn’t contact you.

I do the opposite to you with my teens and tell them that my life does not revolve around them.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 11/05/2020 16:41

I guess it depends on how often you do stuff like this. I'm from a lone parent family and I would have been distraught if my mum had done that to me at that age.

As pp have said they will forgive you, kids forgive pretty much anything, but kindly you need to sort your shit out.