Can’t stop DD14 being ‘sexual’

[WeakLeftFin]

I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do.

DD14 has such a long history of texting boys sexual, being sexual with herself and others and sending/receiving sexual pics. She doesn’t care who with, as long as they give her the attention she’s game. She had her phone taken away last year as she sent pictures and videos of herself being explicit to someone online without knowing who he was (no pictures of him, never saw his face) she ‘knew’ this person for less than 4 hours. We had every precaution on her phone, checked it spontaneously so she never knew but was on something called ‘discord’ which blew my mind.
Now, 8 months later, I’ve relaxed a bit - she still doesn’t have a phone but she has a laptop to use while doing her school work and on the odd occasion I’ve let her take it upstairs as she said to finish of work.
(The laptop has Family Link on it so I’ve shut everything off that too. Or so I thought!)
She left it logged on and I wanted to turn the music down so turned it and there was ‘Google Hangouts’ with explicit messages between her and maybe 9/11 boys. Some dick pics, some not. Some about running away and getting married. Always telling these boys she loves them.

We have a great therapist who she sees once a week and has done for the past 3 months, we’ve had family counselling and had to have Child Services in and help with other aspects like RAFT and FRANKIE.

I genuinely genuinely thought she had stopped it and was feeling better in herself. We were talking about her having a phone within the next few months, everyone is singing her praises and now I know this.
I just don’t know what I’m meant to do.
Like why? She doesn’t learn after every time.
Every grounding, every loss of electronic.
She’s 15 in the next month. Where I was going to get the phone (with restrictions on but still she’d have a phone) and now I’m just filled with anxiety and this massive issue on my shoulders.
She’s never had sex. Never touched anyone. It’s all online. She has this deep need to be loved any way she can, that’s what her therapist said.

Do I just ignore it? Do I grab the laptop and stop her from all electronics completely unless strictly monitored?
I’m just so sad, so upset and so angry.

So sorry to hear op. What's the rest of her life like? Does she have healthy relationships, hobbies. Can you try and funnel her interests into something constructive. Gain a sense of satisfaction through achievement. Have you had chance to speak to her therapist yet

She sounds like she has some attachment problems. Has she had trauma in her early life? Would she respond to some more attention from you, cuddling up together etc.

Handhold OP. That sounds really tough

I’d speak to her therapist about what you have found

Does the therapist say it’s ok for you to talk to her too? Would approaching it from a safety point of view or an illegal/ could end up on sec offenders register view help?

You’ve identified that this is a massive issue which is a good start. The other thing that might help is making her understand what love really is. Do you have a partner? Can you model love in the sense of saying things like “I love talking to you about your day”. “Here’s a cup of tea because I love you”. Making her realise what love actually is and how it’s different to sex.

Good luck

She doesn’t have many friends anymore as she ‘stole’ their boyfriends. She would only be friends with girls who were ... like her? And even then would take the boy they were with. That’s causes some arguments over the years. She desperately wants to be popular but because of her attraction to any boy, girls don’t seem to like her?

Her therapist thought it was because of her dad walking out, so I told DD everything about him and us. Therapist says she’s doing amazing, come in leaps and bounds. Isn’t doing it anymore. DD and I have been to therapy a few times together and everything seemed so positive and happy and bliss.
On lockdown she’s lost all of her hobbies outside. We’ve been spending more time doing makeup, hair, learning new skills and she’s been absolutely loving it. Which makes me feel great for her. She hasn’t changed. She’s still bubbly, chatty. Loving.
Just now this.

Some people just crave attention. It sounds to me like attention makes her feel excited and desirable. That’s quite an intoxicating feeling! I can remember it myself when I was around 14.

It does sounds like attachment disorder. Does she have ASC traits?

Some people just crave attention. It sounds to me like attention makes her feel excited and desirable. That’s quite an intoxicating feeling! I can remember it myself when I was around 14.

There's always one..

Does the therapist say it’s ok for you to talk to her too?

^^ As a therapist may I comment that in the vast majority situations, talk to your child. Especially if you're the sort of loving parent coming here to ask for advice. It's gonna have to be a consistent love bombing type message I imagine.

Firstly, this is really hard for you OP and there won't be one correct way of handling it.

I wouldn't blame you for continuing to protect her by withholding the phone to be honest. Unless there are some incredible software programmes.

We’ve tried the safety aspect as the police were called last year and the year before. About safety, internet use, the whole thing. Hence us having FRANKIE involved, oh and MASH. She even had the police turn up to school to talk to her about being safe online. It’s like it didn’t happen and doesn’t matter.

We actually have a 2pm phone conversation with her therapist today. I can bring it up then, but rules are rules and she will now effectively lose everything. Again.
No trauma in early life, her bio-dad walked out but raised by my partner for 10years. We all have an amazing relationship.
She’s had therapy every year about love, her body, her self image and it’s like nothing changes.
I just look at her and think Why?!
She knows the consequences and I just feel like I’ve let things slip as I should have been on it more.
I bloody locked that whole thing down and genuinely thought I was being clever! That discord was the one I had my eye on not bloody hangouts.
I could always go in and block hangouts? So she knows I know and will have to approach me?
Does that make sense? So we can talk?
I don’t know. I’m sorry for rambling. I don’t really have anyone to talk to.

She has been tested, nothing noted. They said she’s just lacking in confidence. So the past 8 months we’ve been building that up slowly and watching her grow was amazing.
She’s clever, straight A’s. Loving. Funny. But just wants boys. Male attention. She threw away an amazing 2 year friendship for a boy she knew for a day.

Sorry to write this but explicit sexual behaviour can be part of a set of behavioural traits linked to child sexual abuse. Both myself and my sister were the victims of csa as children. I am sure some people have a normal sexual side but my sister and I ended up at polar opposites of what can happen. I became a massive prude and she was and always has been like your DD. She has never ever admitted the abuse to anyone, I know it happened to her as well because I saw it. I didn’t admit it till I was in my later forties and have now had a lot of therapy.

Sorry OP, this sounds tough.

You need to raise it with her directly. Don't block hangouts so she knows you know because then there's unspoken stuff festering. And I wouldn't raise it for the first time during the call with the therapist today either, she'll probably feel caught out, even more so if she likes and/or respects her therapist. Anything that can fracture your relationship is not going to be positive right now. You need to model openness and honesty if she's ever going to be open and honest herself, and that means telling her you know, gently and face to face. Tell her you're not angry but you are worried, and you want to have an open and honest relationship where she can come to you if she needs to.

Of course you need to stick to your boundaries if that means her losing access to everything but it needs to be clear it's to keep her safe rather than a punishment - the behaviour is obviously compulsive after all so I think if she perceives it as a punishment it won't do much.

And also what PP said, I'd worry about past sexual abuse or assault of some kind.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can. I’d be so worried by this as well. She will mature and she will look back and probably be horrified at the what she did and the risks. And of course, she’s navigating a societal structure (patriarchal, I’m afraid) that gives a positive feedback loop for this stuff - until of course it bashes you over the head for being ‘easy’.

I have a DD who didn’t know what she was about at this age and it played out for her in terms of anxiety and depression until a stronger sense of self emerged. Your dd is going through what 1000s of teens are and it’s just playing itself out in this way.

Are there any interests in sociology/politics as getting her into documentary’s and films can start to bring the bigger perspective (doesn’t have to be feminist or anything) and after lockdown can she volunteer anywhere - sometimes doing something for others is immensely helpful to building a sense of purpose and worth that we need for a health self-identity.

But I am impressed by the help you have got her and I think the foundations are hopefully there for her to grow out of this in a couple of years.

I think the fact her biological Dad walked out speaks volumes to me .I was 8 when my Dad died suddenly .and even though I had a good relationship with my Stepdad it didnt make up for it .You say you all have an "amazing relationship with your current partner " Does she feel that way? Does she see her real dad at all .My Counsellor said that if you lose your Father in early life you are always "looking for him" and attention from boys will be nectar to someone like this .Young girls of this age often have body issues /worries about being attractive to the opposite sex and so on ,this is magnified in her situation a thousand times over! I dont know whether you should speak to her Counsellor ,but if you dont they dont know the whole picture ,and will not be able to help in the right way .Lockdown is difficult for young people as well .

I saw something recently saying that previous mental health problems that people thought they had beaten such as depression, anxiety, ptsd, eating disorders, disorganised thinking etc , can come back with a vengeance during times of extreme stress.
Being shut in away from your family friends, schools, hobbies etc with the threat of an infectious disease taking our loved ones qualifies as extreme stress.
I have ocd but its been under control for 6 years ...until now. This could just be a blip in the road and hopefully she will return to her better self when life for us all improves.

We spoke to her therapist about csa but she’s never raised anything when probed and questioned by her therapists and I’ve never put her in a situation where that could have been possible. She’s never left my side in her life. (I know that sounds probably extreme but I’ve never had anyone to have her anyways)
We don’t have much family as that’s another story but I’ve had her everyday since she was born. No babysitters, no family sleepovers. She has only slept at a friends house twice but that was after the first incident.
It was something me and her therapist talked about a lot because her behaviour does seem to be along the lines of that happening but I just couldn’t see when. Unless at school. It is something we can delve back into, I will never rule anything out. Just the probability of it happening is slim as I’ve always had her.
I wondered if it was because my attention was taken away from her sometimes, I work when she is at school (8-3) and at night I started a online Uni degree a few years back. So wondered whether she felt like I wasn’t around how I used to be? And sought attention elsewhere? I’ve tried making it up by spending time with her around that as I probably should have put in more effort and maybe done my stuff when she was fully in bed. But I did always make sure we had that time, whether that was laying down reading. Watching movies. Baking. Walking. Shopping. Doing hair and nails.
I won’t bring it up then in front of her therapist. I’ll sit and talk to her. I know how to outcome is going to go and it makes me so sad and anxious already.

I don’t have experience of this. I did have a very promiscuous friend when I was 16, who would end up going home with and a different guy pretty much every Saturday evening when we went out. I am sure you’re trying to avoid this sort of scenario and many others.

My question would be, is this something, which has been ongoing or more likely to have started once again recently. IE is she falling back on past behaviour because of her change in circumstances? There was a thread yesterday about teens and it seems a lot are suffering because of lock down. Maybe the current situation is affecting her equilibrium and in such times, it is common to fall back on known patterns of coping.

Idk really why my friend went off with all these guys. We never ever talked about it. She was an outlier, like me. I’d say neither of us were terribly happy.

I don’t have any easy answers but to wonder if there is something missing in your dds life. Girls, I have read, are more likely to have sex younger and be more promiscuous if they don’t have an available male parent or role model. Your partner may be brilliant, caring and loving. Despite this and maybe even because he is great, your dd may still be suffering greatly with the feelings of abandonment from her father.

Good luck with the therapist later.

No trauma in early life, her bio-dad walked out but raised by my partner for 10years. We all have an amazing relationship.

Sadly, her bio Dad walking out is trauma though, I'm sure her therapist is helping her talk about that. She's lucky to have you and her step dad looking out for her

I disagree with most posters and agree with the last poster.
Everyone is over dramatising this, and making is sound like she has likely been badly sexually abused.

I actually think it's more common than you think.

She's just got a more severe dude/form of it.

My heart truely goes out to you though. She just can't see it right now, can she? I'm not sure you can instil this insight into such a young teen?

I do think the aspect of being locked up might not be helping. She did message a few of her ‘friends’ from my phone and all of them ignored her. So I think that’s catapulted her back into this realm of things.
Because I don’t believe when she was at school she was doing this. So I’m wondering whether the lack of contact from her friends has made this her only outlet of isolation?
I felt bad that she was locked down without her phone to communicate with the girls but she had access to my phone and was monitored to message them. They didn’t ever reply but DD saw they were ‘online’ so that’s a wound.
I feel like I’m maybe coming across as justifying her behaviour but I’m not. I’m just trying to figure out why. And I’m just taking aloud to anyone as I just don’t have anyone to talk to about this really.

Just want to say a quick thank you to everyone. It’s been so good to get this off my chest thank you

I was like this at that age yes my Dad walked out while young. My friend was the same & it’s because both our Dads walked out.

For us both it was craving the attention from a male & then moving onto the next. Almost like revenge on the entire male population- I break your heart because my Dad broke mine / my Dad did this and so can I (teens thinking) it would help raise our very low self esteem temporarily.

I’ve had all the counselling & CBT. It didn’t help much. Becoming independent did though.

I started settling down at university. Still married to the man I met at uni - 16 years ago.

The best thing that has ever helped me is to get a job and build a career - for some reason I put my passion into working instead. But that was from age 20.

Everyone is different & I don’t have any actual advice but I want you to know she can still turn into a grounded adult, good career and be a great mum.

I also want to say that - yes I was promiscuous via text & loved having boyfriends (even if they weren’t mine) - but I drew the line at sex. I didn’t sleep around. Low self esteem stopped me (caused by Dad walking out!)

If anyone judges me remember this was from age 14 - 18

Sorry if I rambled but basically low self esteem, trust, thrill & attention

Being honest and talking about it with friends and family has helped SO much.

I agree with @florababy84, her bio dad walking out is trauma. I have a friend whose father died when she was 3 and she was raised by a wonderful step dad from 5 onwards. She was highly sexual seeking any male attention by 13, pregnant at 15 and 18. She could explain to you herself in her mid teens that it was linked to her father dying and looking to replace male attention but she couldn't see a way out and was never given counselling etc. It's definitely possible that it's linked to that loss for your daughter.