Can’t stop DD14 being ‘sexual’

[WeakLeftFin]

I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do.

DD14 has such a long history of texting boys sexual, being sexual with herself and others and sending/receiving sexual pics. She doesn’t care who with, as long as they give her the attention she’s game. She had her phone taken away last year as she sent pictures and videos of herself being explicit to someone online without knowing who he was (no pictures of him, never saw his face) she ‘knew’ this person for less than 4 hours. We had every precaution on her phone, checked it spontaneously so she never knew but was on something called ‘discord’ which blew my mind.
Now, 8 months later, I’ve relaxed a bit - she still doesn’t have a phone but she has a laptop to use while doing her school work and on the odd occasion I’ve let her take it upstairs as she said to finish of work.
(The laptop has Family Link on it so I’ve shut everything off that too. Or so I thought!)
She left it logged on and I wanted to turn the music down so turned it and there was ‘Google Hangouts’ with explicit messages between her and maybe 9/11 boys. Some dick pics, some not. Some about running away and getting married. Always telling these boys she loves them.

We have a great therapist who she sees once a week and has done for the past 3 months, we’ve had family counselling and had to have Child Services in and help with other aspects like RAFT and FRANKIE.

I genuinely genuinely thought she had stopped it and was feeling better in herself. We were talking about her having a phone within the next few months, everyone is singing her praises and now I know this.
I just don’t know what I’m meant to do.
Like why? She doesn’t learn after every time.
Every grounding, every loss of electronic.
She’s 15 in the next month. Where I was going to get the phone (with restrictions on but still she’d have a phone) and now I’m just filled with anxiety and this massive issue on my shoulders.
She’s never had sex. Never touched anyone. It’s all online. She has this deep need to be loved any way she can, that’s what her therapist said.

Do I just ignore it? Do I grab the laptop and stop her from all electronics completely unless strictly monitored?
I’m just so sad, so upset and so angry.

Just spoken to her. She denied doing anything even though I saw it. Said I didn’t see anything, she started ranting then, swearing on all possible people’s ‘lives’ she hasn't done anything. Basically screamed the house down as I told her that’s now being blocked too.
She keeps telling me it’s her life and to get out of it, I shouldn’t even be looking in her room let alone her laptop. It’s so bloody draining. I didn’t shout at her, I just explained as I have many times. She’s acknowledged I’ve seen it, still denies it’s happening and is now crying. It’s like going round in circles.
It’s like my anxiety is through the roof, my chest hurts so bad and I now feel sick. We have a Child Service worker and I feel like I now have to report it again, who is going to tell me to report it again to the police.
It’s like Groundhog Day. I know the procedure as does she. She had her phone taken by the Police as evidence last time because the boy had no profile picture etc so they could track him.
I’m just so at a loss.
I do agree in regards to her bio-dad being a trauma. We’ve had many sessions around it and I genuinely thought it was helping.
Maybe nothing will help her? Is she just destined to be this way? I know I have to keep fighting for what I believe is right for her but my god is it draining my life.
She’s also so naive too, like the other boy ; she sent her face, her body etc all the while he stayed hidden and she didn’t have any flags raise up about not knowing who he was. This was after the police spoke to her school about online sexual stuff.
We’ve watched enough Catfish together too to know that not everyone online is real. She even mocks the girls who fall for these Internet people.

She’s lying to, on the surface, protect herself. It would be humiliating and hurtful to agree that she’s done it. But you both know the reality so it doesn’t much matter that she’s denying it as long as she knows that you know and she also knows that you know she knows.

Maybe nothing will help her? Is she just destined to be this way?
Please don’t give up on her.

I know it’s nearly impossible right now but she needs to get back into a hobby that isn’t about appearance. She needs to see herself as being good at something else.

OP how hard for you, tou have done everything right, everything anyone could, no wonder you feel drained and upset.

BUT you have to keep going, you have to hang in there with gritted teeth and make her understand, shut her down again, no phone...she is a real danger to herself, even if all you can do is protect her from herself for as long as possible.
Keep thring to find other interests, not so girly perhaps, difficult in lockdown but there must be some hobby or activity she could feel good about?

I was like this. I'm not really sure there's much you can do sadly. Just make sure she is very up to speed on protection for when the time comes.

Sorry to say but some girls/women are highly sexed,it’s just easier to do now a days

I was like this as a teen, although not the anonymous online aspect as it wasn't available - no trauma but deep depression and a pathological need to feel loved and wanted. I tanked so many friendships, put myself at risk, fucked a lot of unsuitable people and eventually grew out of it. I met my DH when i was 20 and have been with him ever since. Id make sure she's on birth control.

I’m just taking aloud to anyone as I just don’t have anyone to talk to about this really.

??????? What about your partner of 10 years with whom you all have a fantastic relationship?

Some disconnect there.

I have forgotten a lot of my youth. It was a very stressful and lonely time and I struggled very much with depression.

Having thought more on the situation, I think I actually felt like your dd too. But did nothing about it - the Internet didn’t exist and I lacked the self awareness and esteem to do it.

I slept with a couple of boys at around 16 then abstained for a couple of years before sleeping around once I’d left home for university. I, too had an unsatisfactory relationship with my father and he died when I was mid teens.

Well done for talking to your dd. Please don’t give up. She really really needs you even if she’s fighting you.

@WeakLeftFin that’s exactly how I would have reacted too.

I wish someone back when I was a teen realised all I needed was more self esteem and love.

I also didn’t know I was autistic. My doctor later said that being highly sexual is sometimes linked to autism in teen girls.

Could she be as well? Sensory overload, not understanding other people’s “feelings” etc etc

Just an idea

I had a friend like this as a teenager. Obviously not to quite the same extent with technology as all we had was texting and chat rooms but she found ways and lost all her friends for similar reasons. we were at a girls school so boys were in short supply and she nicked all the boyfriends anyone had.

Her family weren’t as tuned in as yours and she went on to sleep with literally hundreds of me and has two broken marriages and a lot of heartache in her wake. She admits now- aged early 40s- it was all about her Dad leaving when she was small. She’s only come to that realisation over therapy in her late 30s and 40s though. Could your daughter be the same and have specific counselling relating to that?

It's hard op, I'm sorry for you.

Absolutely report this again, it needs to be flagged and with others involved it's not just you telling her, it's the police and social workers etc. It might just sink in better.

Don't give up on her. Are you getting any support? Don't be shy in asking for it for yourself too, you need an outlet xxx

2bazookas apologies, I meant anyone else To talk to. We have been going back and forth with each other for years over this. So I meant : anyone else to talk to. We talk a lot. Every day. Every damn second. Constantly. But I needed someone else’s views/opinions/help. No disconnect. Just same sh!t between the same people.

Thank you to everyone. We’ve been back and forth and shut everything down.
She spoke to her therapist for 2 hours and that seemed to help her mood.
It’s now been logged and reported through our worker, there’s not much they can do now with lockdown so are just keeping it registered for now.
I feel like putting her on contraception will give someone like her a green light to go do it. She’s a good kid too, she doesn’t run away or sneak out.
On paper she is a bloody amazingly well behaved child. Just very sexual to go with it

OP have you ever told her bluntly how the wrong sex makes you feel, how being used and discarded can make a girl feel, or being photographed sexually and laughed at by a group of boys after?

Maybe she needs to hear about the (age appropriate) uglier side of sexual behavior ......

I wouldn't have nomally mentioned this approach but you could try changing her perception of getting attention from boys from the safe comfortable position of her bedroom, to an altogether more realistic perspective...

Thank you Dragon. Yes we have. The police officers have too. As well as her workers. They even told her she could get in trouble by the police for sending inappropriate pictures too.
It just went over her head. It’s so hard and frustrating to get through to her what the dangers are. As we told her for all we knew that ‘boy’ could have been a classmate and spread them pics. Not a care.

Gosh you really have tried everything...I hope someone knowledgeable with this sort of thing comes along with some help for you and DD.

@WeakLeftFin I wish my mum cared for me like you do for your DD.

My mum would react to me texting boys (back in 2001!) by calling me a slut and threaten me with “you’ll never see your grandma again - she doesn’t want to know sluts like you!”

You’re doing amazingly and when she’s older (and possibly a Mum too) she’ll realise this and be so grateful

Turn the internet off and continue with the therapy. This sounds like low self esteem and attention seeking, perhaps loneliness and rejection leading to doing anything to make people like you and be your friend.

@WeakLeftFin i think unfortunately you need to remove all her access to the internet. She can't be trusted to act in her own best interests, and that means she doesn't get the opportunity.

Unfortunately thats only going to keep her safe while she's in lockdown. Once she's back out and about, you need a new strategy. Birth control wise, i see where you're coming from in terms of permission, but it sounds like she doesn't actually need permission, she'll be having sex as soon as she gets a chance, and she sounds like she'll be particularly vulnerable to "i can't use condoms because it doesnt feel good". She'll end up pregnant before she's old enough to drive. If you can't stop her, you need to protect her.

It sounds like you're doing the very best you can.

I'd just like to refute Onone's comment. There is a difference between being interested in sex or 'highly sexed' and engaging in activity which is dangerous and inappropriate.
I do not think girls and women should be judged for an interest in sex which is after all natural.

Back to your situation OP, my daughter has had similar issues though less extreme. I'm in awe of your resilience and strength in helping her through this. I really hope you can both work together and she begins to take in what is being said to her. At the very least she must know that she is very loved by you.
I would be tempted at some point to bring up the subject of contraception.

I was a bit like this, would never have stolen a friends boyfriend but had few qualms about sleeping with boys who had a girlfriend if I didn't know her.

I think it was partly about needing validation and having low self-esteem, I also never really gelled with girls that well and preferred male company.
But partly I think it was fun and I enjoyed it.

Even now in my 40s I have a high sex drive, usually twice a day or more when my teens aren't here!

@WeakLeftFin
Just wondering how it is going with your dd. No wise words for you but hope you’re having a more peaceful weekend. I had a quick google “discourage daughter pregnant” and came across this article www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/nurturing-resilience/201208/how-prevent-your-daughter-getting-pregnant. I thought it may be useful.