Trivial incident reveals a wider issue

[Notonetojudge]

Yesterday whilst I was making lunch for us all, my 16yo ds threw, hard, a pair of rolled up socks at me. It was ‘a joke’. They hit me in the face.

I turned away from him as I was going to cry. It physically hurt a bit but my pride was more hurt. And this is my problem, he did ask me if I was ok and I said yes, but he knew I wasn’t. Knowing that I was upset, he didn’t apologise and still hasn’t. I avoided him for the rest of the day and evening.

He has always been a slightly selfish individual and can be very arrogant. (His df has similar traits.) I hear him arguing occasionally with his girlfriend who dotes on him and he can be verbally brutal if he feels criticised. He’s bright, and argues like a lawyer. Nothing is ever his fault.

I’m still so angry. I wanted to raise a loving, considerate man, not someone who can hurt someone they purport to love and do nothing to acknowledge it and apologise.
He may feel stupid for his actions and embarrassment, but ffs he should be able to put them to one side by now. It’s his character that means he won’t, his ds would have apologised immediately if she knew she’d caused distress.

He’s 16.5. Have I left it too late to do anything about this? Or am I over dramatising? He’ll say I am.

He asked you if you were okay and you said you were. That was the time to discuss it with him. And he likely would have apologised.

Not say that you're fine when you're not but expect him to realise that later on.

He was out of order but you're being PA about it.

You should have told him it hurt when he asked. Instead you said you were ok. Unless there's a huge backstory to this you're being a bit ott about it.

and this is my problem, he did ask me if I was ok and I said yes, but he knew I wasn’t. Knowing that I was upset, he didn’t apologise and still hasn’t. I avoided him for the rest of the day and evening

I think his behaviour is out of order. He sounds aggressive, self justifying and disrespectful. The fact that you tried to hide the fact that you were hurt is sad, OP. He needs to be told this is not acceptable behaviour. He is 16. Not 6.

Actually OP I think it might be worth raising it with him gently later and telling him that you were upset. If it was really a joke and the atmosphere at the time was fun and it was just bad luck that it hurt - that's different from if the atmosphere was a bit charged and there was malice behind the throw.

Do you you think a chat with him would achieve anything? (I have a son similar age and know that sometimes a chat works - and sometimes it re-ignites an argument!)

I’ve got a child like this but because I was a bit like it myself I know how to deal with it and sulking is not the answer. He probably does feel bad but feels a sort of chasm open up between himself and the person he’s hurt. The more the person sulks the bigger that chasm becomes. You are his Mother. You must address you’re own attitude to confrontation too. How do you teach someone to talk and say sorry if you’re own attitude is ignore and sulk? You are too opposites but as you are the teacher and he is the sponge you need to be the one to change... teach him what you expect to happen and the correct way to deal with things.

I think you need to sit down and have a good chat. Sometimes parents need to explain how to be a good person - most kids just know, but others need it explaining in a gentle way. Teenagers don't always know where the line is. The arguing with his girlfriend is concerning. In future if you're upset you should tell him, not pretend you are fine. That's never going to help.

You need to talk to him and explain that the kind thing to do would have been to apologise regardless of whether you were hurt or not.

In his mind he's 'right' so no apology needed. What he needs to realise is that throughout his life he'll be faced with the choice of being right or being kind/compassionate. And that it's generally better to choose the latter.

I'd also mention that you've heard how he speaks to his girlfriends and it's not ok.

When he tries to argue like a lawyer keep bringing him back to the point -it's not about being 'right' or 'winning' it's about being decent and the impact his behaviour has on others and that's what he should reflect on, rather than scoring points.

It sounds like he's on his way to becoming a disrespectful dickhead.

Why did you pretend to be ok? Why didn't you say any of this to him? How are you expecting him to magically work this stuff out if you don't bother to teach him?

Especially if his father has normalised it and made it seem acceptable - if you don't counter that by pointing out it's unacceptable who do you think will? Unless you're waiting for the police to explain when they arrest him for assaulting/abusing his girlfriend?

Reading between the lines are you saying his father is/was abusive? Because he certainly sounds like a kid who's been given a model of abuse as normal relationship behaviour.

And I struggle to understand why you would pretend to be unaffected by an assault unless someone had previously trained you to behave that way?

Talk to him.

I have one who is arrogant like this and there is no way I wouldn’t have told him his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Yes they argue forensically but you are in charge.

I have to remind mine that he is not the best at gauging people’s boundaries or emotions so he needs to think twice before he does or says things. This is a lifelong job for him.

You are his parent and to not step in or even approach him later on if he is verbally abusing His girlfriend is really not on. 16 is not too late to try to deal with what could cause some poor woman a whole lot of pain later on.

Go and tell him how you feel. You’re the parent, you need to be an example and right now you’re not being one.

Thanks for some excellent advice.

The only reason I said I was ok at that point was because I physically couldn’t get any other word out without crying. Any other response would have required more discussion which I couldn’t have at that point.

Vetinari yes, I’ll stress the decent rather than correct aspect.

And Gtugccbjb, I really understand the ‘chasm’ - I wasn’t sulking fwiw, I just really wanted some time to consider my best course of action.

I know I need to address what lies behind this, just wanted some perspective and how to address.

When I see him, around midday probably, I’ll be pleasant rather than angry, and have a talk with him.

Glad you’ve had some helpful responses on here.
I just wanted to add that it’s ok for your 16 yr old child to see you cry. If you don’t let him see you dealing with your emotions, it denormalises the expression of emotions, which is unhelpful.

I'm sorry but you can't expect him to behave like an adult if you say you're fine when you're not and then proceed to sulk for the rest of the day. Poor boy. It was a joke that went a bit wrong, you needed to tell him at the time that it hurt and you'd like an apology.

I know I need to address what lies behind this, just wanted some perspective and how to address

Good luck OP and be kind to yourself. You should not blame yourself for feeling hurt, you have every right to feel upset with your son's behaviour.

Sorry, hadn't seen your update. Agree with Thistly. If he's hurt you, there is no need to hide the fact that you want to cry.

Poor boy

Don't be absurd. The OP's son is not a 'poor boy,' he has been aggressive and disrespectful to his mother and the OP also comments on his treatment of his girlfriend. This is not acceptable behaviour and he needs to be made aware of this.

He is old enough to know better but it doesn't seem like the adults in his life are showing him how he should behave, or pulling him up for it when he doesn't behave correctly.

I’m not having a go at you OP but there would have been nothing wrong with saying, “Ow, that really hurt!” Instead, having hidden your feelings, you’re upset with him for not having read them anyway and responded accordingly.

You might want to look into where that’s coming from and what you can do about it? It won’t be an overnight fix but it sounds like you’ve got some stuff to think about there

I'm sorry but you can't expect him to behave like an adult if you say you're fine when you're not and then proceed to sulk for the rest of the day. Poor boy. It was a joke that went a bit wrong

Oh for god's sake, talk about misinterpreting what she says.

OP, you need to talk to him. Tell him he hurt you. He upset you. He was violent towards you. He's nasty towards his girlfriend. Point it out in so many words - how he behaves is really horrible at times.

Agree, he’s not a ‘poor boy’, but I see you missed my update.

It wasn’t an aggressive action, it was as a pp said a kind of joke that went wrong. I may have over reacted as, at another time, I might have laughed and thrown them back.

HOWEVER, my point is that in life, he’s going to upset people when he doesn’t intend to, and the compassionate thing to do is to apologise, properly. He is too defensive (learned behaviour I’m sure, I’ll discuss with him) and it’s this I’d like to change.

Your comments have all been very helpful and insightful. Thanks

I think an ability to say sorry often comes from a fear that you won’t be forgiven. I never quite felt unconditional love from my Mum because like you and your Son we were polar opposites in terms of how to deal with things.

At a younger age I used to see it as her not loving me and as I got older I saw the ignoring / sulking as more of a manipulative behaviour but still a love that had conditions.

From my Mums point of view, she saw my behaviour as rejection/ non loving. So the chasm widens and widens as each year passes until you have two people that do love each other and are family but are deeply suspicious of each other.

I have caught myself doing the sulking a few times with my Son but it never ever works!! He won’t back down and good on him really because actually I am trying to manipulate him when I do that.
So I apply everything I’ve learnt and completely (sorry for the cheesy Mumsnet phrase).. love bomb him. (After a mini sulk 😂)
I try and remind myself that it’s pretty much impossible not to love you’re Mum when you’re a kid. No matter what they do. Even kids who are abused yearn for the love of their parents.
I tell my Son, “No matter what happens, children and parents are tied together with invisible Love and nothing can break it. So even if you said you hated me it would not damage the love...that’s impossible and even if you think Mums mad at you, it doesn’t change the Love, that’s impossible too!”
You’re Sons a bit old for the childish talk but a chat around this subject would probably go a long way.
Having my Son has helped me heal the chasm with my Mum a bit. I understand her now. But I’m really glad I’ve been able to break the cycle.

Also if you’re going to bring up his personality traits, bring up you’re own too and have a good chat about how you react and why. He’s just a kid so he needs help with working out different personalities and the feelings behind their actions.

I think it depends on the context of the "joke" first and foremost.
If the entire family was parking around throwing items of soft clothing at each other then your reaction, even though it hurt, was odd.
So, I'm guessing the "joke" (based also on the rest of what you've said) wasn't really one that you were willingly in on.
He's definitely, from what you've said, not a poor boy. He's an almost adult who needs to be told when he acts like a dick.

I would also bring up that you've heard him speaking to his girlfriend in a way you'd hope a son of yours would not speak to women.

Throwing a pair of rolled. Up socks if I was putting laundry in the machine is the sort of thing my ds1 would do, but if they hit me in face he would be over putting his arms around me for hug and apologising.