Trivial incident reveals a wider issue

[Notonetojudge]

Yesterday whilst I was making lunch for us all, my 16yo ds threw, hard, a pair of rolled up socks at me. It was ‘a joke’. They hit me in the face.

I turned away from him as I was going to cry. It physically hurt a bit but my pride was more hurt. And this is my problem, he did ask me if I was ok and I said yes, but he knew I wasn’t. Knowing that I was upset, he didn’t apologise and still hasn’t. I avoided him for the rest of the day and evening.

He has always been a slightly selfish individual and can be very arrogant. (His df has similar traits.) I hear him arguing occasionally with his girlfriend who dotes on him and he can be verbally brutal if he feels criticised. He’s bright, and argues like a lawyer. Nothing is ever his fault.

I’m still so angry. I wanted to raise a loving, considerate man, not someone who can hurt someone they purport to love and do nothing to acknowledge it and apologise.
He may feel stupid for his actions and embarrassment, but ffs he should be able to put them to one side by now. It’s his character that means he won’t, his ds would have apologised immediately if she knew she’d caused distress.

He’s 16.5. Have I left it too late to do anything about this? Or am I over dramatising? He’ll say I am.

You said “yes” when you should have said no.

You raised him, did it never occur to you teach him some manners? He doesn’t know he needs to apologise if you haven’t taught him that.

Let him know he hurt you, let him know you expected an apology, but don’t lie to him and say you’re fine and still expect him to feel bad. He doesn’t know you were hurt, he’s not a mind reader.

Wow. All this because he threw a pair of socks at you as a joke. And then asked if you were ok 🙄😂

From what the OP has said, it seems the socks aren't the real issue (correct me if I'm wrong OP )

I think perhaps you need to be more assertive too.
For instance, actually confronting the issue with the socks as it happened. Say 'ouch, that hurt, that's not funny' rather than dodge the issue. If he hurts you, don't let it slide.
It's never too late to reinforce good manners and consideration for others.

You need to model the behaviour you want to see. You see a lot of do as I say, no as i do, or parents feeling like they missed the moment to raise an issue and then leaving it (ex youth worker) but it's never too late to calmly discuss something. Strip it right back to emotional literacy - the kids TV show 'Bing' is a great example. Model to him how you would want him to react so instead of avoiding him, sit down with him in a quiet moment and tell him "when you threw the socks at me it hurt. It hurt a little physically but also it embarrassed me, and it hurt that my child wanted to do that to me. I've found myself avoiding you today but I know thats not how to move forward because it's better to sit down and talk". See what he says. Teens tend to take a defensive stance at first (the poster who said about the chasm was spot on) but let the conversation unfold because it's not about finger wagging and dont do that, at 16 he knows not to throw things, it's about valuing others feelings and admitting when you messed up. These are valuable skills to learn.

I used to be similar but my parents used a lot of humiliation as a form of control and I had very little say in my life so I really didnt know how to deal with issues in an adult way. I thought point scoring and 'pranks' where I looked funny and someone else looked stupid were ok. I'm not saying you do that but many parents fall unwittingly into that trap.

How is his relationship with his father now as this could be a big factor if you find him emulating the same behaviours.

“You raised him, did it never occur to you teach him some manners?” thanks for this. I always think that people who post like this are probably quite rude, ironically.

So, an (abbreviated) update. I went and calmly wished him good afternoon. He was guarded and asked if I was still pissed off with him. I explained that I had expected an apology and was disappointed etc etc. He said that in his world, he’d have been expected to ‘suck up’ something like this, and not be a pussy, but he was contrite and said sorry, and accepted that everyone’s experience is different.

I could have walked away at that point but I continued, told him that as a youngster he’d always shown empathy and compassion and that they are important traits, perhaps especially in men, and I hoped he’d work on them. He took this on board and didn’t argue, and I left it there. Going on any more would have tempted fate I think.

So it’s a work in progress. I definitely benefitted from consulting the oracles though, as I was in a calmer place than I would have been yesterday.

Nice update.

...he can be verbally brutal if he feels criticised. He’s bright, and argues like a lawyer. Nothing is ever his fault.

This is a huge problem. Your DS won't see it as a huge problem. But you have to get him to therapy or a lifetime of misery awaits for everyone who is now involved with him and everyone who will be involved with him in any sort of intimate relationship.

He is oversensitive, self obsessed and unaware of and uncaring of others' needs. He can't deal with signs that he is not completely admired and approved of (external signs of success and control are important to him) and he defends his fragile ego by lashing out. There is no compassion. He denigrates and dismisses. He has a sense of entitlement. He argues when confronted - this is arrogant aggression to protect his own fragility.
It's narcissistic personality disorder in a nutshell, not just teen narcissism that he will grow out of. He is abusing his girlfriend and he is abusing you.

He said that in his world, he’d have been expected to ‘suck up’ something like this, and not be a pussy, but he was contrite and said sorry, and accepted that everyone’s experience is different.
This needs to be explored in full.
It's a weasly non-apology for an unprovoked assault. There is no compassion there. Accepting that 'everyone's experience is different' is not remorse. He is making an exception for you. You are supposed to be grateful for that.
Did he come up with this phrase or did you?

I could have walked away at that point but I continued, told him that as a youngster he’d always shown empathy and compassion and that they are important traits, perhaps especially in men, and I hoped he’d work on them. He took this on board and didn’t argue, and I left it there. Going on any more would have tempted fate I think.

Are you afraid of him, @Notonetojudge?

OP you sound very reasonable. I do go on a bit sometimes with my ds (who does have the ability to empathise/sympathise but it does not come fast and easy to him). I also have to remind my self that at that age sometimes they cannot take in the message you want to give them, the circuits are awry for a few years. So keep going and I'd have a word about physical boundaries as well just for good measure if I were you.

It’s a good update but you also need to work on yourself. If something’s not okay, don’t say it is and then spend the next period being pushed off about it. The correct answer would be ‘no, it’s not okay’, big girl pants on and deal with it at the time. And yes, I have raised teenagers.

HoppingPavlova and others - thanks for your input. I absolutely accept it’s not right to say I was ok when I wasn’t, as I say it slipped out just to buy me time really.
However I do think that actually NOT dealing with it at the time has been beneficial. If I had it would all have been about the bloody socks, which of course it wasn’t. The time elapsed allowed us both to see the bigger picture and deal with it in a calmer way.

Hi OP,

I agree with your update about speaking about it later and calmly, seeing the bigger picture however you’re earlier about turning away and no saying anything else or you would have cried is concerning.
It’s really healthy for children to see us cry, especially at his age. There’s nothing wrong with expressing your emotion, it’s actually the opposite and a very powerful and healing thing to do.

However I do think that actually NOT dealing with it at the time has been beneficial. If I had it would all have been about the bloody socks, which of course it wasn’t. The time elapsed allowed us both to see the bigger picture and deal with it in a calmer way.

But you can do that in a way without lying about it or minimising it at the time. Saying something as simple as 'no, but I'm going to leave it there at present and circle back to it when we've both had a chance to lie on it for a bit' or pretty much any similar wanky phrase you would use at work in that situation, they all work on teenagers. They know something's not right, you are upset, it gives both time apart from the situation and discussion to digest and then come back together. You did a similar thing but by sulking about it for a period. It's important to role model for teens so if denying, sulking and circling back is not an accepted strategy in the workplace, it's not the best modelling to provide at home.