DD secret eating

[Pealicious]

I've never posted here before but I really need some advice.
My DD age 11 has been quite chunky for quite a long time but nothing to worry about. I am very interested in nutrition so we talk all the time about healthy choices, hidden sugars and how important good nutrition, plenty of fresh air, lots of movement, hydration and good sleep are for health. As she has gone into y6 at school I have been increasingly concerned about her eating sweets all time time after school (she walks home and I'm not back from work so this arrangement works well from a childcare POV) with all her skinny friends. They all chow down on junk and she joins in, she has been gaining weight but not hugely and she has just started her periods and boobs are growing so I know this is all normal. However I have been trying to ensure that I give her healthy food wherever possible. She got weighed as part of the school programme and I had a letter saying she was overweight. Part of the problem is that my ex won't cook and on his weekends he just takes her to macdonalds and Greggs and feeds her pizza and chocolate. I have talked to him but we don't get on and he just hangs up the phone or walks off if he doesn't want to hear what I'm saying.
Anyway I have had a really rough time over the last year as I split with my ex (angry man, verbally abusive, drinks too much, takes coke) but he won't move out and I can't. (And yes we are now trapped in the same house during lockdown). The result of this has been me making terrible food choices and also drinking too much to self soothe. I think my daughter is falling into the same bad habits - I feel terrible about this.
I had noticed in the past sweet treats going missing and my DD always denied taking them so I assumed it was my ex.
I have started a vlcd and I'm not drinking and feeling much better for it. However I have bulk ordered food packs (shakes, soups and bars). Yesterday I realised almost all of my bars have gone missing.
We had a chat and I realised she's eaten over 20 bars plus her Easter eggs and some other chocolate I had hidden and it's all gone in just over a week.
She lied and lied and then finally admitted and she feels really bad about it. I have literally no idea what to do now. I told her not to worry and we'll sort this out together.
I know she is anxious about loads of things (lockdown, puberty, the divorce, big school in September) but I am horrified to think how much junk she has eaten. I have been preparing the DDs lovely healthy meals throughout lockdown and had no idea she was binging like this. DD1 age 15 is tall and slim and blonde and graceful which won't help DD2 who is kind of awkward and ginger and clumsy (and adorable).
I haven't bought anything unhealthy for 3 weeks but exDH works at a supermarket and is a law unto himself so I can't keep things out of the house.
I am at a total loss.
I thought things were bad enough with the ex still here and a whole world of sh*t around him and the split but now my lovely DD is obviously having problems and I don't know how to help her...

Get her exercising daily. Running, doing online work outs, walking. Do this with her. When this is over, help her join a sports club at school like athletics, tennis, rugby. The endorphins boost will help for a better mind set. Don’t encourage fad diets like slimming world etc, look at portion control. Make it part of her routine, encourage her to keep this routine when she’s with her other parent.
Discourage binge/secret eating, but don’t “ban” foods, you want a snack, have a snack, just don’t have the whole pack.

Talk to beat. It’s a form of disordered eating and they should be able to signpost you to the appropriate support and help xx

Thanks TDL2016 - yes I have tried this. She is such a bookworm and hates exercise.Over the years we have tried all sorts but she is very shy and doesn't like group activities. I do make her come on walks but she whinges all the way round. I have suggested everything from swimming to running to dancing to kickboxing to athletics and she poo-poos everything. I walk a lot, dance, do yoga and occasionally try to run. I am very unfit so she sees that I struggle but I keep going cheerfully on...She cannot be persuaded...

I hate to say it but if you are on a VLCD you are not being a good role model for a healthy relationship with food. You will need to tread very carefully if you want to avoid setting your DD up for a lifelong battle with her weight and self image. I don't have the answers but I suggest you seek specialist help.

Can't you just stop buying sweets and snacks?

Thanks @OrchidFlakes - I will try that

@Sheeeeesh I am inclined to agree but nonetheless as I have gained 4 stone in the last year due to the stress of the divorce it's a means to an end to kick start me. We have talked about how this is not necessarily a health choice but that nor is being as unfit and unhealthy as I am. I am feeling better than I have in months so I am reluctant to knock it on the head - put on your own oxygen mask first and all that...It's something I need to do at the moment.
It's just for 6 weeks and then I will move onto slimming world type food. I cook from scratch and love veggies and fruit - at the moment I just cook for her and DD1 but we still sit and eat together.

I did this as a child and still struggle as an adult to eat openly sometimes.

For me it was a lack of self esteem and confidence. My skinny friends would say how fat they were and it made me feel huge. It always seemed that I had to have the biggest size clothes in the shop (probably because my Mum needed to buy VAT free kids clothes rather than adult). Mty parents are both overweight too which I think normalised it at home.

I cant tell you what to do fix it, at times I would think I wanted to just be mega fat to get it over and done with. Looking back I cant believe that I was the size I was as I always felt so much bigger.

Doing a VLCD in front of an impressionable tween is not modelling healthy, rational eating for her either. It’s from one extreme to the other.

I think you need a long hard look at your own attitude to bodies and food before you start pointing the finger at dads and friends and everyone else.

Get the feckless low life ex out of the house as well and let your daughter have a calm, settled home environment before you start trying to tackle anything food related.

Have a read up about binge eating disorder.

She is 11.

Don't give her money to buy shit after school.

Stop buying crap snacks and lead by example, which is healthy meals. If you are substituting is she eating alone?

@Ginfordinner I don't buy them but my ex DH (who hasn't moved out) lives with us and we don't have enough space to keep food supplies separate. He buys what he wants. I have again tried to talk to him but he's a d*ck and he thinks she's eating because she's bored. However he has a functional relationship with food - it's just fuel to him - he has a physical job and he thinks 'it's just puppy fat' 'she's a happy little sausage' and worst of all 'if you think there's a problem let's have it out with her...'

Is she doing it in secret out of shame because she knows you disapprove?

Also, read Fat is a Feminist issue by Susie Orbach, all the feminist stuff aside, it gives a good insight into the intrinsic relationship between mother and daughter and bodies and food.

Posted too soon.

I would help her work on her emotional health and self-esteem. Don’t mention food or weight or exercise. At ALL.

If she feels happy within herself then she won’t feel the need to binge in secret.

What the f*•k has her hair colour got to do with it??!! Your other DD is slim and blonde and this one is not slim and ginger!??
You are her mother and you are already comparing her unfavourably to her sister based on looks and hair colour . That poor girl, she will undoubtedly know albeit subconsciously that she is inferior in your eyes.
And you are modelling "healthy eating" as soups, shakes and bars to her. Maybe take a good long look at your own relationship with "healthy " food before you start on your daughter. Bloody hair colour! What a lovely parent you are...

However you justify the VLCD to yourself, it won’t fix your problems and it will damage your daughters.

The whole idea that one must repent for weight gain by doing punishing starvation diets is fucking evil and dangerous. You will never sustain that weight loss, you will be back on SW/WW or another VLCD again in 18 months time if it’s even that long.

Please, please, please sort this out or you will damage your daughter forever. Please stop comparing her to her sister.

Take her to the GP, it sounds like binge eating disorder. If you’re anywhere near Nottinghamshire/Derbyshire I can recommended an NHS funded eating disorders service.

Maybe she needs some space. You're in a house with a drug addict and an alcoholic, you're obsessive about nutrition and on an unhealthy diet, and then (hopefully just privately) clearly value your other daughter's physical attractiveness over her. That was a really cruel, uncomfortable thing to read.

Food is becoming too salient an issue, and that can cause disordered eating. She must be very unhappy in that house, could she go and stay with her grandparents or another close family member that she would be more comfortable with until you have sorted yourself out?

@CosmicVagina yes totally, this is exactly why I want to help her...

@QueenOfPain I do see what you mean but we never talk about being fat or overweight we always talk about optimal health and nutritious food and how much bodies love to move.
And although a vlcd may not be setting a great example (but it is not evil or dangerous) nor is being obese which is associated with major health risks - especially in relation to COVID-19. I need to get back to my healthier and stronger self - I have been really struggling this last year with the situation with my ex - I can't get him out of the house, we jointly own it - there is nothing I can do until the divorce is finalised and an agreement made at mediation but he won't respond to the divorce nor regularly attend mediation...but that's a separate issue.
I am walking for miles each day and getting her to come with me if I possibly can, as well as doing yoga and cooking healthy meals and snacks from scratch.
This is a kick-start for me - it's not a punishment as I am full of energy and more than happy (ketosis I think) - and it will lead back to healthful, mindful eating and getting back into running. Keeping me strong in body and mind.
Thank for the book recommendation.
Also I absolutely do not compare her to her sister - I adore the pair of them - sorry I should have been more clear that I was quoting her. These are my DD2's concerns, not mine!

@TwilightPeace yes I think it is a self esteem issue. I spend a lot of time listening to her as well as talking to her about how amazing and valuable she is - none of which focuses on appearance. She is a talented artist. Amazing at creative writing. We look at strong female figures in science and sport. We spend time together.
I don't know how to help her feel positive in herself. She's such a fabulous person. Kind, thoughtful, sweet and very funny...

She is eating in this way because she is sad and eating makes her feel better. She is living in a household that does not sound very happy and this is her comfort. I think you need to give yourselves a break for a minute and talk to her honestly about feelings, let her express how she feels and then really listen to her. You need to start eating well, only have good food in the house but also be aware she is a child and should be allowed the odd treat. Play the long game, she is not going to be skinny over night, maybe never, but my having good habits she can get fitter and be more healthy. You need to be her champion and be her role model but honestly until she lives in a happy environment things will not change for her.

@perniciousdot I don't give her money - her friends all share their sweet with her. I cook from scratch every day and prepare healthy - and delicious - snacks (fruit platters, crudités) - I try and get her interested in cooking so food is a joy. I am trying my best!
And no, we all eat together (me and the girls - not the ex) mealtimes are relaxed, no pressure to finish anything etc.

I agree you should give her a break. I was a secret eater as it was clear how much my parents were obsessed with "being healthy" code for not being fat for them. Locking away food/limiting food/not buying treat foods at all when you used to have them all makes it worse. Maybe you talk a bit too much about healthy eating and nutrition? Both my kids were a bit chubby at 11 and both are very slim now - it's that stage before puberty and a big growth spurt. I think you need to think very hard about how you are dealing with things as you don't want her to become obsessive. Why are you on a VLCD? I'm sure she has noticed - perhaps you are a bit obsessive about food yourself?

She lied and lied and then finally admitted and she feels really bad about it. I have literally no idea what to do now. I told her not to worry and we'll sort this out together.

Be careful here of making a big deal out of it. My kids could do similar with chocolate and have done before. I just say well that wasn't a good move - its not great for your health or your teeth to eat so much sugar - and then we move on and don't mention it again. Treating it like your dd has a problem is likely to make it into one.

@CheshireCats I probably wasn't clear that these were her concerns I was voicing - her comparison with her sister. I adore the pair of them. They are both kind, thoughtful, funny and clever. They are also both beautiful. However DD2 has mentioned these worries to me. I think her hair is the colour of honey. She says it's ginger. Her words, not mine.
My relationship with healthy food is very positive. Unfortunately this last year has really taken it's toll on me but I am trying my very best to get through it with the girls always front of mind for me. Losing some weight is a positive step for me. The stronger and healthier I am the better able I will be to support them.