DD secret eating

[Pealicious]

I've never posted here before but I really need some advice.
My DD age 11 has been quite chunky for quite a long time but nothing to worry about. I am very interested in nutrition so we talk all the time about healthy choices, hidden sugars and how important good nutrition, plenty of fresh air, lots of movement, hydration and good sleep are for health. As she has gone into y6 at school I have been increasingly concerned about her eating sweets all time time after school (she walks home and I'm not back from work so this arrangement works well from a childcare POV) with all her skinny friends. They all chow down on junk and she joins in, she has been gaining weight but not hugely and she has just started her periods and boobs are growing so I know this is all normal. However I have been trying to ensure that I give her healthy food wherever possible. She got weighed as part of the school programme and I had a letter saying she was overweight. Part of the problem is that my ex won't cook and on his weekends he just takes her to macdonalds and Greggs and feeds her pizza and chocolate. I have talked to him but we don't get on and he just hangs up the phone or walks off if he doesn't want to hear what I'm saying.
Anyway I have had a really rough time over the last year as I split with my ex (angry man, verbally abusive, drinks too much, takes coke) but he won't move out and I can't. (And yes we are now trapped in the same house during lockdown). The result of this has been me making terrible food choices and also drinking too much to self soothe. I think my daughter is falling into the same bad habits - I feel terrible about this.
I had noticed in the past sweet treats going missing and my DD always denied taking them so I assumed it was my ex.
I have started a vlcd and I'm not drinking and feeling much better for it. However I have bulk ordered food packs (shakes, soups and bars). Yesterday I realised almost all of my bars have gone missing.
We had a chat and I realised she's eaten over 20 bars plus her Easter eggs and some other chocolate I had hidden and it's all gone in just over a week.
She lied and lied and then finally admitted and she feels really bad about it. I have literally no idea what to do now. I told her not to worry and we'll sort this out together.
I know she is anxious about loads of things (lockdown, puberty, the divorce, big school in September) but I am horrified to think how much junk she has eaten. I have been preparing the DDs lovely healthy meals throughout lockdown and had no idea she was binging like this. DD1 age 15 is tall and slim and blonde and graceful which won't help DD2 who is kind of awkward and ginger and clumsy (and adorable).
I haven't bought anything unhealthy for 3 weeks but exDH works at a supermarket and is a law unto himself so I can't keep things out of the house.
I am at a total loss.
I thought things were bad enough with the ex still here and a whole world of sh*t around him and the split but now my lovely DD is obviously having problems and I don't know how to help her...

@sergeilavrov I wasn't very clear - my daughter is concerned about her appearance and compares herself negatively to her sister.

From your second sentence (I am very interested in nutrition...) I thought you might be a bit of a health nut but subsequently it transpires that you are are overweight and have been using alcohol as a crutch. So you already understand that knowing about nutrition and living a healthy lifestyle do not necessary go hand in hand.

You have a disordered relationship with food and your daughter seems to be heading that way too. You probably need to stop talking about stuff you are not doing and lead by example. So practice what you have been preaching and this includes not eating diet bars or shakes in my opinion.

If you put your health first then your weight will follow, maybe not as fast but more sustainably.

you aren't modelling a healthy way to eat by being on a VLCD. you are one extreme she's another, i'm sure you will both swing back and forth at different points. i doubt you will succeed to teach her something you aren't yourself practicing.

@sergeilavrov sorry posted too soon. I'm not obsessive about nutrition, I was just trying to indicate that we focus on health not weight in general. I don't think sending her away would help...?! She would be miserable as hell without me and her sister.

@mumonthehill I think you've nailed it. She's a bit sad about lots of things and is using food as a comfort.
I will take her for a walk and see if she would like to chat about how she feels. Luckily she will talk to me and I just need to up my listening game - I wonder if she wanted to talk about this but didn't know how so at least it's out in the open.
I have told her not to worry so I don't want to mention the food unless she does - just want to help understand how she is feeling and then see how I can support her.

This was me as a teen, I would always take chocolate and crisps from the cupboard, eat them in private and then hide the wrappers, of course denying it. I don't blame any of my family, but I wish someone had intervened, because I spent secondary school overweight and it was really hard losing it. I know it was my responsibility and not theirs, and I'm not sure what would have worked, as I was ashamed of myself, didn't even eat the food but couldn't help it. My mum always labelled chocolate as naughty and was on various diets, whether that had an influence or not I don't know. I am not sure of the answer, if I was confronted I would have been so upset and embarrassed it would have probably been exasperated. I would say making sure DH puts it up and just having a reasonable amount rather than banning it might help, not sure. Will post again if I think of anything that might have helped.

Also a comfort eater.

I was just trying to indicate that we focus on health not weight in general

So why the vlcd and bulk ordered processed food in packets! What you say and what you are doing are completely at odds.

@Lucked yes, not a health nut, just a normal person struggling with divorce, coping with stress-induced insomnia, trying to navigate the tween and teen world, work full time, run my own business as I can't manage financially on my salary and retain my sanity whilst being trapped with my ex. It's not easy. But having noticed that I was drinking during the week rather than just at the weekends and making unhealthy food choices I have decided to something about it.
Historically I have always tried to feed the kids healthily. I suspect what she is modelling is noting to do with a vlcd but more to do with observing how I was coping with the stress of the divorce.
Walk a mile in my shoes and maybe you'll recognise that I have only ever been doing my best.
I can't change the past but I can be strong and healthy for the future.

@Lucked it's a means to an end for 6 weeks. I have talked to the kids about it and they totally get it. They see that my obesity was unhealthy and they see that I am doing something about it.

@MerryDeath I am just trying to get myself into a good place where I can return to my preferred method of healthy eating which has been my way for years. The stress I have been through over the last year or so had been immense and knocked me off the rails. This is how I get back on them.

OP, can't you see that you and your DD are doing exactly the same thing? She's dealing with her emotions by binge eating, you're dealing with yours by drinking (which you've now stopped) and fad dieting.

You can't expect her to alter her mindset if you refuse to alter yours.

I get that your doing VLCD as a short term fix with a plan for longer term healthy eating. But it's the short term fix that she is copying.

@Gruffawoah bless you - yes I don't want her to have a hard time at 2ndary school like you did. Let me know if you think of anything which would help.

@Gazelda maybe. Maybe.
However I can't undo the last year and tbh I have done well to get to this point with my sanity in tact even if I have gained weight.
The only thing I would counter with is if I feel better and stronger than I have done in ages then this can surely only be a good thing?

Of course it's a good thing. And I admire your determination and perseverance while also living through a seemingly hellish home life with your ex.
However, don't expect to be able to convince your DD that a quick fix (unhealthy snack) won't make her feel better if you acknowledge that it's a quick solution that's helping you.
If you want her to develop a healthy diet, then you need to lead by example. VLCD is not healthy eating.

I'm not knocking your VLCD choice, but be realistic about the double standards it's demonstrating to your DD.

Okay thanks for your thoughts everyone. I am going to make sure DD1 and I really have DD2's back and are really actively listening if she wants to talk.
I will try and keep food off the agenda and focus on self esteem and where possible make healthy food available and appealing and less healthy options as limited as possible.
I won't buy any more vlcd packs as I take on board your concerns but due to budget I will need to finish what I have in the house.
Appreciate your input all. Take care and stay safe.

OP, it sounds as though your and your DDs are a great team, looking out for each other. You've been through such shit and are still having to live with your ex. But you'll soon be seeing the light st the end of the tunnel and you'll be able to re-establish a healthy lifestyle.
In the meantime, keep taking care of each other.

Have you weighed and measured her yourself to see what her BMI is and exactly how overweight she is? I wouldn't do this obviously, I just tell my kids i'm going to update their red books.

When my DS1 was becoming podgy (he wen't into the just overweight category) I was able to adjust his intake myself and increase exercise without him noticing...

BUT nothing wrong with having a conversation with her, a gentle sensible conversation, You also need to explain your VLCD (along the lines of because I'm older it's harder to lose weight, and as I'm not growing i need less calories) and why each bar is actually a meal.

You can talk about calories in and calories out and how there's nothing wrong with eating anything - mcdonalds included, but you also need to use those calories as well, she will use some for growth and living and the rest need exercise to burn them off....

Lastly with exercise I had to find stuff that worked for the exercise shy DS1! I actually bought a theme park annual pass as used to walk them around Chessington or Legoland - neither of them realised we were going from one side of the park to the other for "the next ride", or that we speed walked in "to get on the first ride quickly"! I bought queue jumping passes so we weren't standing around a lot.I know that's not that helpful right now but good for the summer once things open up again - but TAKE A PACKED LUNCH if you do this, no treats or snacks - "we can't afford it as the pass cost a lot!!"

Have you weighed and measured her yourself to see what her BMI is and exactly how overweight she is? I wouldn't do this obviously, I just tell my kids i'm going to update their red books.

PLEASE do not take this advice.
The focus needs to be taken completely away from weight and ‘health’.
Listening to her and building her self-esteem is the way to go. You can see this now so good luck.

@Titsywoo I had a little chat with her last night - kept it very light and she basically told me she was mainly just bored! She came up with a load of suggestions of healthy snacks she likes which I'll keep in for her and she basically told me not to worry. She was so laid back about it so I think it was more of a thing in my head than it was in real life...I'll keep an eye out but she seems very chilled...

If your ex won’t sign the Divorce Petition, have you applied for Bailoff Service? If he won’t attend Mediation, are you talking to your Solicitor about a Financial Settlement without mediation?