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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Horrible, tennage daughter

37 replies

Alice0108 · 14/04/2020 16:50

Hi
Asking for a bit of advice, my daughter is nearly 18. She attends college full time. (currently isolating)
And she is so lazy it is really getting me down and today I have snapped.
I have been doing up my garden the last week, she has helped me for an hour here and there. But any other time she does not bother.
I have trapped a few nerves in my wrist and its currently strapped up. I asked her to help me rake the soil and pick up any lathe stones. She refused point blank. Instead sat there and watched me struggle. When I told her I didn't think it was funny she ignored me then proceed to smash up my solar lights and rip out all my plants from the pots. At this point I lost my temper and told her to get out.
Since I have wrote her a letter stating how disappointed I am in her, the fact she does not help around the house, yet has everything she wants. I gave her 3 options go live with her dad, go into Foster care, or apologise to me and work on changing, but the free ride stops, she needs to pay for her phone, car, clothes and all her treats. She needs to help around the house, rather than causing mess and expect me to constantly tidy up after her. She has now been sat on the door step for the last 6 hours and just screams if I try and talk to her what do I do. I'm refusing to give in this time as last time she promised to help more.
Please help

OP posts:

Rupertpenrysmistress · 14/04/2020 17:06

Blimey that sounds tough. Does she have any mental health issues? I only ask as I find it odd that an 18 year old is screaming on the doorstep. Do you think you are both struggling with the lockdown? You said she is at college, is she doing any coursework?

Do you generally have a relationship where you can openly talk? The letter is a good idea. I assume she can get back In the house? I think I would leave her to calm down and come back in.

The destruction you describe in the garden is pretty awful, is that her normal behaviour? I am just wondering if she needs some help or if this is her normal.

Maybe some time with her dad would be good although threats of foster care are not a very nice response. I understand you are struggling but some thing cannot be unsaid. I say this from a fractured relationship with my mum many of the awful things she said I still remember 20 odd years later.

If you can decompress and talk that would be the best option.

Pinkblueberry · 14/04/2020 17:10

When I told her I didn't think it was funny she ignored me then proceed to smash up my solar lights and rip out all my plants from the pots.

That’s really odd behaviour from someone who is almost 18 year old. Or even an 8 year old tbh.

Don’t make threats you can’t keep - how do you think going into foster care is an option here?? if she’s really as much trouble as you say then simply insist she go and live with her dad. If she wants to sit on the doorstep then leave her there - why are you trying to approach her? You’ve written your letter and said your bit. Wait and see what she does.

ShleeAnKree · 14/04/2020 17:10

You have all of my sympathies. I'm a single parent to two teens and I often fear that if I go head to head with my son particularly, I won't win.

Can you stop buying food, turn off the internet but leave the door ajar. It sounds like her ego is huge seh wouldn't ask to come back in.

Original poster

Alice0108 · 14/04/2020 17:11

She has not seen her dad in over a year he has made no contact with him.
She goes like this when she doesn't get her own way. She has gone 2 weeks without talking to me before, because I asked her to walk her dog.
I know she is very immature for her age, she sits there all day playing sims if she could, as she has no friends. We normally get on great until I actually ask her to do anything to help at all. This is why I'm so stuck because she is just not listening my mum has tried talking to her and she won't have any of it apparently we are mean and don't love her yet i tell her at least 3 times a day that I love her.

OP posts:

ShleeAnKree · 14/04/2020 17:13

I missed that she had intentionally destroyed your garden

That is really bratty. Is there a number you can ring, social services? She needs a short sharp shock. I doubt they would place her in to foster care, but if they arrive she will either have to talk to them, or you will get some support.

Original poster

Alice0108 · 14/04/2020 17:14

Before I've taken the Internet, microwave and tv's. It works for a couple of days. But then it results back to normal.
I get peed off because I do 11 hour shifts come home and I can't go any where in the house without pure mess and literally dirt

OP posts:

ShleeAnKree · 14/04/2020 17:15

She sounds a bit like my son age 13 nearly 14. He only ever does what he wants to do. He cannot be bribed, persuaded, talked in to, motivated or begged to do something he doesn't want to do. I know that a lot of people will think that that was lazy parenting on my part but I think he has pathalogical demand avoidance.

Original poster

Alice0108 · 14/04/2020 17:16

This was my theory she needs a short Sharpe shock. If it wasn't so petty I would call the police for criminal damage. But I wouldn't waste their time.

OP posts:

ShleeAnKree · 14/04/2020 17:17

You poor thing. Anything anybody could suggest is going to be out of the question because of corona virus lockdown .

Chickenwing · 14/04/2020 17:22

Id kick her out. She needs to learn some independence.

Tarttlet · 14/04/2020 17:34

It's not petty: she's destroying your things and, it sounds like, physically intimidating you when she doesn't get her own way. That's abusive: it makes no difference that she's 17, her behaviour is unacceptable.

Do you think calling the police would help her see that her behaviour is not OK?

OhYeahLucky · 14/04/2020 17:39

Destroying your garden is totally out of order. I’m sorry

Couchbettato · 14/04/2020 17:40

She's an adult at 18.

You're not obligated to house your adult child for free. I would tell her to move out and pay her way, or get a job and pay board and bills including the fees for a cleaner.

If she isn't willing to help you out she can pay for someone who will.

You're too nice OP if you decide to keep her in and it's only going to make your life a misery.

Original poster

Alice0108 · 14/04/2020 17:53

If I called the police she would see how serious this is, but I will not waste their time.
She wouldn't cope if she was to live on her own.
I have explained to her that as she does not contribute or even help, (she doesn't even feed her dog) that the free ride has stopped I will no longer fund her luxury lifestyle. All I got was I don't care.

OP posts:

Lovebug06 · 14/04/2020 18:56

This is very unusual for an 17 year old.you need to keep to taking away her luxuries and not helping her, or she will stay the same. How will she cope when she leaves home? Make a stand. She needs to get a job and pay her way or go. She cannot trash your garden and scream at you for going near her, that is not acceptable and a 17 year old knows that.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 14/04/2020 19:07

Has she ever been assessed for any SEN or MH issues? The screaming and not having any friends are quite worrying tbh.

Sazzel47 · 14/04/2020 19:14

I really do feel for you. Your daughter sounds exactly like my 15 year old (apart from ruining garden).

Original poster

Alice0108 · 14/04/2020 19:24

I've tried to talk to her again, and she started screaming and threw her shoes at me. I just caught the person opposite filming her. They probably think I've kicked her out and she only looks about 13.
I honestly don't know what to do.
She is currently kicking my front door as hard as she can screaming she hates me. I'm actually waiting for someone to call the police.

OP posts:

Couchbettato · 14/04/2020 19:47

Do you genuinely think shed not cope living on her own?
She has to leave the nest at some point and it seems like she isn't willing to learn any life skills from you so you can either: force her to learn life skills by putting her in a situation where she would need to grow up pretty damn quick, or you can keep excusing the behaviour hoping one day she'll flick a switch and become a respectful person toward you and your property.

You'd be doing her a service by doing the former.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2020 19:51

She’s damaging your property and threatening you, at this point if the neighbour hasn’t phoned the police then you need to.

Original poster

Alice0108 · 14/04/2020 20:30

I have phoned the police. They said they would log it, in case the neighbours phone, but they can not do a lot. My mum has taken her for now. I've explained that she needs to speak to her as she will not be returning here. Unless she seriously bucks her ideas up and the free ride stops.
Thanks for the advice, sometimes it helps to get a different perspective on a problem

OP posts:

Twinberry · 14/04/2020 21:03

What kind of relationship do you want with her in the future? Do you have other children?

ShleeAnKree · 14/04/2020 21:08

I hope the shock "resets" her s bit.
Did the police talk to her?

Original poster

Alice0108 · 14/04/2020 21:11

I have another daughter who is younger. Who does help around the house.
We generally get on OK. She just has a melt down every time you ask her to do anything. We walk on egg shells around her when it comes to doing any jobs at home. Her meltdown lasted longer today because I have taken her mobile.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alice0108 · 14/04/2020 21:14

The police never attended. I think if they had of spoken to her, her attitude may of changed a bit.

OP posts:

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