Horrible, tennage daughter

[Alice0108]

Hi
Asking for a bit of advice, my daughter is nearly 18. She attends college full time. (currently isolating)
And she is so lazy it is really getting me down and today I have snapped.
I have been doing up my garden the last week, she has helped me for an hour here and there. But any other time she does not bother.
I have trapped a few nerves in my wrist and its currently strapped up. I asked her to help me rake the soil and pick up any lathe stones. She refused point blank. Instead sat there and watched me struggle. When I told her I didn't think it was funny she ignored me then proceed to smash up my solar lights and rip out all my plants from the pots. At this point I lost my temper and told her to get out.
Since I have wrote her a letter stating how disappointed I am in her, the fact she does not help around the house, yet has everything she wants. I gave her 3 options go live with her dad, go into Foster care, or apologise to me and work on changing, but the free ride stops, she needs to pay for her phone, car, clothes and all her treats. She needs to help around the house, rather than causing mess and expect me to constantly tidy up after her. She has now been sat on the door step for the last 6 hours and just screams if I try and talk to her what do I do. I'm refusing to give in this time as last time she promised to help more.
Please help

It sounds awful. I do wonder if ill ever end up calling the police on my son.

Is your mum scared of your dd1? Or does yr dd1 behave for her?

Id let your DD1 stay with yr mum for as long as yr mum can cope.

She is fine for my parents. Because she won't upset my dad?

Best place for her then. You need to look after yrslf. I hope her anger dissipates though obviously :-(

You need to think of your other daughter, it’s no life for you both to tiptoe around an adult
Hopefully some time at her grandparents will make her see what she is missing

How awful for you. Did you say she has a car? If so are you funding it? She sounds spoilt. You did right to remove her phone. Stoo funding a car if you are.

Hopefully your parents may make progress with her. I would tell her her to get a job and fund all extras herself, then she may appreciate you more.

What future plans does she have?

She smashed up the garden? Wow. Sorry op but I wouldn't even be giving her alternatives. The little psycho would be out on her arse, lockdown or no lockdown. Please dont excuse this as 'teenage' behaviour, it certainly is not. More like you're raising a sociopath.

Ask her what she thinks is fair and reasonable as a way to contribute to your household

I would look into PDA autism op.
Someone mentioned it upthread.
It is an atypical form of autism.
Girls in particular often go undiagnosed until teens or end up misdiagnosed with a personality disorder.
The demand avoidance, the meltdowns the inability to see things from your perspective along with the lack of friends are ringing bells.
That said I think you are doing the right thing not letting her home, although if it is pda it may not help as she wont be able to help it.
Is she any better if you rephrase requests so she has control? e.g 'do you think you could fold the washing?' rather than 'fold the washing' .

Sell the car.

It sounds as if she's hurting and angry is trying to show you. She may not understand what is going on herself so probably no point asking straight off.

I appreciate how difficult this is at the moment, especially with the lockdown and you working long hours.

@Shadowdoor21 bit rude!

Couldn't give a shit if it's rude if it keeps op safe. Neurotypical people dont suddenly go mental and smash the place up when asked to do something they dont want to do. And I wouldn't waste time trying to reason with someone like that. The kid is 18 now, right? So there is no excuse for that nonsense.

People are quick to suggest autism because they dont want to consider the alternative is that they are just a bit of a shit. Backed up by the fact that op knows fine if the police turned up, she would soon buck up her ideas. Aka: she has control over the mood swings. Very telling.

No one wants to think the worst of their child. But sometimes you just have to do what you need to keep yourself safe even if that means booting their arses out. A tough love for them and self love for you approach.