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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen’s Girlfriend is in Care

29 replies

VerbenaGirl · 31/03/2020 18:49

DD1 is 16 and has just been asked by a girl she has liked for a while to be her girlfriend. DCs friends have always been very welcome in our home and we’ve therefore got to know them, and I always anticipated that it would be the same with boyfriends and girlfriends when they came along. However, DD’s new GF is in care, lives in a children’s home, is schooled in a unit linked to this and lives in a different town (she is brought to our town twice a week to a youth club - which is where they met). I therefore don’t really know where to start. Or even whether I should be a bit worried about this.

OP posts:
Tatty101 · 31/03/2020 18:50

Why would you be worried about this? What is making you nervous about it?

kilisibird · 31/03/2020 19:03

How old is she? That would be my main question right now

kilisibird · 31/03/2020 19:05

DCs friends have always been very welcome in our home and we’ve therefore got to know them, and I always anticipated that it would be the same with boyfriends and girlfriends when they came along. However, DD’s new GF is in care....

Oh and are you seriously judging whether you should be welcoming to her because she is in care?

Another great example of the struggle these kids face.

sorrelli · 31/03/2020 19:07

You are right to be concerned, teen relationships can be a heady mix of volatile love especially depressing when it ends and this girl is vulnerable - I can see your worry and potential impact for her in the long run.

Original poster
VerbenaGirl · 31/03/2020 19:08

I guess because it sounds as if there has been some trauma involved in the situation leading to her being in care, and she has anger management issues which mean that she isn’t in mainstream school. She can’t just pop round to us for her tea, like other friends do.

OP posts:
kilisibird · 31/03/2020 19:08

OP was concerned about letting the kid in her house. Not her welfare.

Original poster
VerbenaGirl · 31/03/2020 19:09

No - not judging at all, she would be very welcome - but I don’t know how to go about helping to arrange it!

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 31/03/2020 19:11

You have in all liklihood got months before you need to worry about dd's girlfriend visiting.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 31/03/2020 19:11

Have you asked either of them how to help arrange it?

Original poster
VerbenaGirl · 31/03/2020 19:11

I don’t have any problem letting her into my house, but it sounds like she’s not really allowed out. I meant more that I’ve no idea who to contact to say she is welcome to come round.

OP posts:
kilisibird · 31/03/2020 19:12

He is 16. Why would you be arranging this for him? Surely he can communicate with his own girlfriend

kilisibird · 31/03/2020 19:12

He is 16. Why would you be arranging this for him? Surely he can communicate with his own girlfriend

MyDcAreMarvel · 31/03/2020 19:14

She not he.

kilisibird · 31/03/2020 19:15

I'm sorry OP I definitely picked you up incorrectly at the start.

I would just leave them to it, her age dependant of course. She will know her own 'rules' and what needs to happen if she is going anywhere.

Original poster
VerbenaGirl · 31/03/2020 19:15

Was just seeking a bit of advice, hopefully from someone who might have a bit of insight into how care homes are set up, before mentioning it to DD. She’s a real homebody, so will want her to come round if at all possible. They are 16.

OP posts:
kilisibird · 31/03/2020 19:16

Oh I am so sorry I totally missed that it was your DD. Excuse me for being such a twat Blush

Bringringbring12 · 31/03/2020 19:19

To be fair OP

You didn’t just ask about how to go about arranging a visit.

You asked whether you should “be a bit worried about this”. Hence some posters responses.

I would be a bit worried. Although not terribly PC to admit that. Why? Not because I’d the girl per se, you’ve never met her, it because it’s likely she’s in a difficult and potentially dangerous situation depending how she came to be in care - and I would worry about my daughter

Original poster
VerbenaGirl · 31/03/2020 19:21

Thanks kilisibird - that’s helpful.
It’s not really about arranging it for her, just supporting her if necessary, as it’s obviously a different situation to ours.

OP posts:
H1ghC0r0na · 31/03/2020 19:26

The unit will be run by someone and it will depend on what type of unit they're in.
I would think if they are being taken to twice weekly activities then it's not likely to be an issue with her visiting friends/having a curfew.
I would ask the teenager for the contact details of the managers at the home and offer your contact details should they need them.
Speak to the teenager about the unit's rules as you don't want to put this teenager in a predicament where she's meant to be one place and given warnings because she (example) missed the bus etc back home.
Since your daughter is not an adult, I would still make a point of phoning the unit to introduce yourself to them.
She is likely to have a social working team who she liaise with and details of your daughter's relationship with the teen might be recorded on her personal file.

Notredamn · 31/03/2020 19:27

Ffs.

Bluetrews25 · 31/03/2020 19:38

Well, I kind of hope they are not meeting at the moment!?

Original poster
VerbenaGirl · 31/03/2020 19:46

Why FFS Notredamn?

Bluetrews - no, not meeting at the moment due to CV.

OP posts:
Original poster
VerbenaGirl · 31/03/2020 19:48

Thanks H1ghC0r0na - that’s really helpful.

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 31/03/2020 19:50

I wouldn't worry about her being in care. But as a parent it is normal (and nice) to worry about any partner your DC has. Is she 15 nearly 16 or 16? I don't know much about the care system but I thought once they reached 16 they had a lot fewer rules. My friend was in foster care and had to move out at 16 this was a few years ago so I don't know if this is still the case it could be a lot older now.

MissMarks · 31/03/2020 19:53

Ex foster carer here and also now work with damaged young people- I wouldn’t be encouraging your daughter in this relationship. If it was my own child I would be really worried about where it will lead/ what my own child is being exposed to. Your daughter is 16 and the last few years of her teens should be as care free as possible. I am speaking from experience here and whilst it is awful for the poor girl in care, your duty is to protect your own child.