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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen refuses to cut down on socialising

49 replies

Frustrateen · 18/03/2020 17:26

"D"S is 16 and refuses to cut down on socialising after school on on the weekend despite the recommendations of the government and my stern explanation why it is not advisable. His response? "I don't do viruses". He is now hanging out at his girlfriend's place with some mates and refuses to come directly home, and also is refusing to comply with my advice to stay at home over the weekend. We are in Central London, so a hotspot. He claims that he will defy any lockdowns if they are placed. He states that COVID 19 won't really affect him anyways so he does not care. I explained the impact on society and the NHS, and he really does not care.

Can anyone give me a strategy to help him see reason? His selfishness and shortsightedness is baffling to me.

OP posts:
acatcalledjohn · 18/03/2020 17:43

So he can carry it, be potentially symptom free and spread it to those who are more at risk.

Tell him that's fine, but that his refusal to comply puts you at risk and as such he is not welcome in your house.

I'm not at risk, but I am being sensible. Your son is being a selfish dick.

Cloudyapples · 18/03/2020 17:47

Yep don’t let him in the house. He stays in or stays away. If he’s old enough to decide to put people at risk then he’s old enough to to find somewhere else to stay.

drippingwet · 18/03/2020 17:48

He’s an idiot

HollowTalk · 18/03/2020 17:50

Can he stay with his girlfriend for a while?

ElliePhillips · 18/03/2020 18:11

I'm amazed by how many threads I've read like this today. People really have no basic parental control over their teenagers. Amazing.

lenaperkins · 18/03/2020 19:26

@ElliePhillips I'm amazed by how many threads I've read like this today. People really have no basic parental control over their teenagers. Amazing.

Not all of us get the compliant variety of teenagers. If you're dealing with issues like ADHD, autism and other mental health issues, life isn''t all A stars, obedience and UCAS forms.

Unfortunately, sometimes you do what you're supposed to do and don't end up with the teens who do what they're meant to. I know this because I have one who is a bloody nightmare and the other who is generally normally behaved.

GrumpyHoonMain · 18/03/2020 19:28

If he wants to stay with his gf then let him. But he needs to stay there for the duration of the outbreak.

turkeyontheplate · 18/03/2020 19:30

Well said @lenaperkins unbelievably snotty and unhelpful comment from @ElliePhillips there.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2020 19:36

I think she’s fully aware her son is a “selfish dick” and does not need randoms to tell her. She is also highly unlikely to chuck him out, as would most parents be reticent to. So that’s another stupid solution.

I think this attitude is fairly common op with younger people globally. They have an attitude if I’m alright jack and want to take the opportunity to be with their friends and not feel like they are missing out. Social groups and fitting in is very important to some young people. Sadly your son is one of them.

Potentially you can put some measures in place to protect yourself and other family members at home. It’s unlikely he will change his mind, so you’re relying on other parents being able to control their kids to stop him going.

It does seem like he has a lack of respect for you and you don’t have control, but I suspect you knew that already. These things don’t occur over night.

Thisismytimetoshine · 18/03/2020 19:38

I don’t do viruses. He sounds like an imbecile.

Soubriquet · 18/03/2020 19:39

Let him crack on

And then suffer the consequences once police start to get involved

minipie · 18/03/2020 19:43

Call his gf parents and ask them to kick him out.

When he comes back, take away his phone and internet access until he agrees to do social distancing properly.

Would that work?

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 18/03/2020 19:45

The problem is teenage boys are invincible and at that age defying you is like an olympic sport. Been there, done that, got the grey hairs.

It is a fact that it seems to have a milder effect on younger people which is great but really not helpful when trying to get then to behave in a sensible manner.

How is his gf reacting, if she's being more sensible she'll have more of an impact than you at this age.

Good luck OP parenting teenagers brings its own challenges.

rjebgf · 18/03/2020 20:00

Ask him how he feels if his actions cause him to murder you, by recklessly giving you covid.

Wolfiefan · 18/03/2020 21:04

Stop giving “advice” and start telling him what to do. Hmm
I am highly vulnerable. Honestly I wouldn’t be letting him home whilst he had this attitude.
Has he always been this much of a thoughtless twit?

IPokeBadgers · 18/03/2020 21:11

So you have a garden? Stick up a tent and tell him he's not coming back into the house if he refuses to wise up.

IPokeBadgers · 18/03/2020 21:12

*Do you have a garden? Sorry for typo🤦🏼‍♀️

AnneJeanne · 18/03/2020 21:13

Change your locks

Original poster
Frustrateen · 19/03/2020 05:40

Well, "D"S came home sooner that I expected. Turns out he was not hanging out with his girlfriend, but that he had gone to the shops to pick up some things for her as her family is now SI.

He is an extremely bright boy who normally can be reasoned with, hence the explaining tact and not the authoritarian route, which is one which he would balk at. He explained that he said the "does not do virus" because he is really cross with the situation (sports, which are very important to him, cancelled; school, which he has been all gears going preparing for exams, cancelled; and now girlfriend, who is really important for his MH, isolated and now he won't be able to see due to probably lockdown, difficult to see).

I wonder how long I will be able to keep him under lockdown without him exploding. Certainly not 3 full months!

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 19/03/2020 05:52

Update seems encouraging. I was wondering whether he was displaying a bit of bravado / defiance more than actually stating true intentions. Perhaps backing off from argument with him will help.

TabbyStar · 19/03/2020 06:08

I've got a 16 nearly 17 yo DD, I think it's really difficult for them, they are nearly adults and so we've encouraged them to make their own decisions to prepare them for adulthood, not told them what to do as we might have done when they were seven. They are just starting to get a taste of freedom and making that transition to independence, but that autonomy is being taken away. My DD will lose her job, her festivals will be cancelled, and as teens they are programmed to be going out into the world doing new things and finding a mate (!) not sitting at home with mum. Their brains are immature and they don't have the perspective of years as we do. Also there have been mixed messages with schools, it doesn't really make sense they can go to school but not other things. No answers, I've been trying to be sympathetic to my DD's situation, it is going to get worse, I can see her not leaving her bed once we are on lockdown!

BillywilliamV · 19/03/2020 06:17

Yep, it's going to be a nightmare, my heart is breaking for both my lovely, lovely girls.
I find it's best to respond to what they do, not what they say they are going to do. Mine normally reach the correct conclusion of given time and thinking space!
Obviously locking them out or depriving them of social contacts is not an answer, I wonder how many people who speak like this actually have a teenager?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 19/03/2020 06:20

Frustrateen we are in Londom too. Dd (17.5), me and dh have been fully SI since Monday. Dd’s boyfriend is an hour away on public transport across London. She also relies on him for her MH. First few days she was really sad but yesterday I think the full gravity of the situation hit her and she is now resigned to not seeing him or any other friends for at least 12 weeks. She is really frightened - we are all vulnerable if we were to get it.

It is horrible though - not seeing friends or family for months. I’m very anxious all the time.

I’m expecting lockdown in London from Friday so your ds may soon not have a choice.

Foghead · 19/03/2020 06:26

He must feel so out of control so is trying to control what he can.
Apparently Contagion is a good film to watch to learn how viruses spread and the effect on society. Maybe get him to watch that.
There are some excellent YouTube videos to watch about it too. Education and information can help.

My teen started watching Walking Dead a couple of months ago and is fairly compliant. Not saying there’s a link...,

ContessaferJones · 19/03/2020 06:26

Sympathy OP!!

People always look faintly surprised when my kids resist my control. I grew up in an authoritarian house myself so know all about laying down the law, but unfortunately I think the whole thing relies on your kids being taught to be a bit scared of you from an early age. I was scared of and actively hated my own mum, but was well behaved. My kids are actively not scared of me, and their behaviour reflects that. I've been trying for years to locate a middle ground where they're not scared of me but also aren't dicks - it appears to be a massive ask Sad

In summary, sympathy Flowers