Feel right now that I hate my Son

[Octopus37]

Yes I know that sounds strong and I know I'm probably going to be slated. He is 12 nearly 13 and has been difficult for the last 3 years. He started school refusing in year 6, we got the GP involved and were referred to a parenting course which I started but couldn't continue cause of childcare. There was some low level bullying at school which we dealt with. He then started High School and was ok to start with, then started school refusing cause of anxiety over Drama lessons, again we liaised with school. He also had issues with constipation and we dealt with that through the GP and hospital. Things settled down but have been turbulent at time, he is passionate about football and has had two injuries, including a fracture in October; he had to have an MRI scan cause there was a shadow, we paid to have it done privately and all was fine. He had recently had another injury (muscular, have chased appointments up and recovery should be a couple of weeks. Reading this back I know it is obvious that he has been through a lot, but bloody hell so have we. All the time (as parents should) we have tried to sort things out, fix them, I ended up on ADs last year because of anxiety about his school refusal (have told him this tonight as I feel that he needs to know what he has done). The issue is that he is nasty, rude, entitled and lazy. My DH and I bend over backwards for him whilst trying to maintain boundaries. He thinks he is expected to do what we want all the time, but the reality is gets a lot of leaway and no pressure about schoolwork or anything. Tonight he had an options evening at school (he is year 8) and he refused to go cause he says he knows what he wants to do. I ended up going on my own, walking 20 mins there and back in the rain, I have been ill all week. As it was, the way they are doing everything has changed so good that I went. I tried to talk to him sensibly about not wanting to go and what he might be worried about. All the time I am trying to improve the atmosphere in our house as I grew up in quite a tense household and tbh had a far worse time at school than my Son. I didn't want problems when his Dad got home from work, so tried to resolve things, failed, he kicked off and I ended up getting very angry back. I told him that his behaviour was ruining our family life and me and his Dad's marriage (we have no time or closeness and constant stress, partly from other sources but mainly cause of him). We have another Son show is 10 who is difficult on occasion but not at the same level. Whilst I was out he told his Dad that I was putting pressure on him about his options, all because I have said in the past that I think it might be good for him to do Spanish cause he is good at it and because I suggested media studies (not an option anyway).I don't mind what he does and have told him that several times, have just said I want him to do things that he is interested in. He is clever and unfortunately very manipulative. He also told the GP (when he went for an appointment) that we put pressure on him about school attendance, I just don't want another letter about attendance. I've just (obviously) had enough right now, he has caused so much stress and upset and he is only 12. He is never ashamed of bad behaviour, doesn't seem to have a conscience, thinks he is right all the time, can be quite arrogant. I wasn't allowed to get away with much at all when I was a kid and my instinct is to always blame myself for everything, the opposite of his. I'm just at the end of my tether with family life at the moment. We don't have any family nearby, although my Sister is very supportive on the phone. I'm prepared to be slated and told that I should be prepared to sacrifice my life and well being completely.

I’m having a tough time too OP, albeit with a younger child than yours, so sympathy for the place you’re in.

The word that jumped out for me in your OP is “fix”.
All the time (as parents should) we have tried to sort things out, fix them

I’d put it differently- that our job as parents is to get our dc to a point where they can sort their own problems out.

I’m not saying to throw him in the deep end, but just to realise that maybe your role is evolving as he grows?

I’m finding this book The Self Driven Child helpful in navigating the journey between doing it for them and nurturing their independence.

There’s a podcast interview with the authors here that you can listen to and get a flavour of the book to see if it resonates.

I really recommend finding some good parenting podcasts and blogs to buoy you up, as it’s incredibly lonely and difficult at times dealing with emotional and behavioural problems.

Have you anyone to talk to in real life? Maybe a therapist you can unload on, and unpack your feelings safely with?

Mulled you seemed to be implying that when you said that most people wouldn't be shaking and crying. Yes I have got to deal with my anxiety, I am the one in the wrong as always, but yes my DS has contributed towards it massively due to his behaviour like it or not.

Barbarara thanks for the podcast recommendation

I really feel for you OP. I dont have teens yet, thank god.
But i had a very difficult toddler and i know what its like to try your best and have everyone tell you that youre doing it wrong, because their toddlers are/were better.
I know its not comparable to teenage behaviour, but I know what its like to be blamed.

I do think its not ideal to tell your son that hes causing issues in your marriage and you have to take ADs because of him. I do understand why you did. You sound very desperate and at the end of your tether, which is understandable in your situation.
I think what I would do in your situation is focus on your own sanity a bit more and on your marriage. Try to have frequent talks with your DH, maybe even see a therapist together just to stay on the same page and work through everything together as one. You have to be on the same page and support each other.
I would also be inclined to try and take a weekend off for just the 2 of you. To reconnect, talk about everything in peace and quiet, just get some space.
I do realise this might be difficult, but if you have anyone who could watch the kids for a night, it could do wonders for your mental health and your bond with DH.

You're wrong to be blaming your son for causing your anxiety op.

If anything, it's the other way round.

What have you done, or are you doing, to support your son's mental health? This started when he was 9 - a child. It wasn't his responsibility then, and it still isn't, to get professional help. That was your job as the parent but now you're blaming him and making him the scapegoat for the fact that he can't just pull himself together.

I hope that he manages to get the help that he needs.

I can empathise as I have been through hell with my ds too, who sounds very similar to your ds.

People who haven't been through it just can't understand the massive stress and anxiety this puts on a marriage and your own mental health.

My ds is now 17 and is doing much better having left school last year. He really struggled with the whole school environment (he attended many schools) and none of the staff would see past the 'bad behaviour'. Behaviour is a form of communication, anxiety is very real for some people, children included. This can result in bouts of anger and aggression, violence and self harm/self sabotage.

If you suffer with anxiety op, it's highly likely that your ds also does. My son started showing signs of anxiety disorder at around age 9.

You need to not care one bit about school for a while, support yourself ds with his mental health. Take the pressure right off. Be hard on him for his bad behaviour at home but I bet if you ask him what's worrying him he'll have massive worries about the future.

We are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now although I'm still very tentative. Remember that this will pass, it will take time but your son needs your unconditional love and support.

No. I said most people wouldn’t be shaking and crying because it is true. That doesn’t mean you are a freak. It means it’s not a standard reaction and that obviously you are unwell yourself and in need of support.

He just isn’t responsible for that. It’s for you to sort out. His problems might be a trigger but they are not the cause.

This ‘I’m the one doing everything wrong as always’ is a bit dramatic and not very productive. We all have to manage our own behaviour and reactions, and modify them if they’re unhelpful. That’s not unique to you.

I'd remove all internet access.
Take the hub with you so he can't use .
Maybe in your case as school for help, if your not already doing it.
There is a school for children who are having worries about attending, could you ask about that, less children in classes, ect.
Tell your son can be that this is his life and if he won't make the effort, your no longer going to force him to attend out of school things, but he will need to seek the information himself, you can ask school to send you updates on options.

I’m with Mulled Wine
I’m a bit shocked at how ignorant some of the responses are
This poor boy is clearly struggling with his mental health and needs help not punishment (except for when he is directly rude)
That’s not to undermine OPs struggle but she needs help separately. Agree with the PPs who have said she needs her own counselling.
OP- I think the way you are currently handling things is making an already bad situation even worse I’m afraid

Mulled has some good advice - I think you need to reframe your thinking about the whole situation. Children's (and teens) behaviour is a means of communication - its a shame you couldn't continue with the course as I am sure it would help you to identify his triggers and modify your responses (and I say this as someone who has been on various parenting courses).

Unfortunately the reality of parenting is that you sometimes have a lot of shit to deal with, and it takes its toll on you - and at the same time you have to put your kids first. Your son needs support with his mental health - it is really important to think of him as a child who is struggling and who needs help, rather than just being difficult and the source of your problems.

FWIW, I do understand the toll this all takes. My tween DD has ASD and mental health problems, and we have school refusal, suicidal thoughts, sleep difficulties, aggression etc. I have very little time with DH (even at night as DD can't be alone). I constantly deal with my own anxiety and feeling like I am spread too thin. But none of this is DDs fault and my heart breaks for her that she struggles. My issues are my own and separate to hers.

Can you come up with a plan for all of you - help from GP for your own anxiey (which needs to be dealt with as a separate issue to your son), help from GP (or school or CAMHS) for your son, and can you get back on the parenting course, or at least get the information from the sessions you missed. They really do help to change your thinking about children who are struggling.

My eldest son has also been a cause of huge anxiety for me - I don’t think anyone can say a child isn’t the cause of anxiety - my son got in with a bad crowd, started drugs, school refusing, staying out, Being abusive, excluded from school. No consequences made any difference whatsoever - including the police etc. He couldn’t have cared less. Previously relatively happy family and he was fine as a child. The impact on my mental health, that of my husband, my mother and his brothers and sisters has been horrendous - because funny enough like OP I (we) love him and don’t want him to throw his life away on drugs and not get an education, also we get angry because we struggle to understand his horrendous choices. The alternative is to walk away but again we can’t do that because we love him and want to help him and at 17 he is still a child. Sympathy to OP as it is easy to judge but when it is tough every day and you are getting nothing back - you do get fed up. OP went to the school because he loves and cares about him and wants to help him make good choices - yet she is slated for it - she is understandably fed up he didn’t bother.

Nobody’s slating her though. We’re really not. I’d probably have gone too. But not blamed my child for having to walk there in the rain when I’d been ill.

We all get it. It’s awful when you feel like you’re tying yourself in knots trying to do the right thing and your child seems to be throwing it back in your face. We’ve all been there.

But this does sound like a child with mental health issues and probably anxiety which he isn’t getting support for, but being blamed for his parent’s own mental health issues.

A child’s behaviour can make us anxious, yes. I think we all feel anxious when our children are unhappy. But a child cannot cause a parent to have mental health issues and it’s very damaging to tell them that they have. It’s also counterproductive as it isn’t going to improve their behaviour.

Lots of wise advice from other posters with experience of similar problems.

I am another one whose MH has certainly been impacted by years of worry and stress over a child with MH issues, school refusal, and the added difficulties of a painful and chronic physical condition. The latter has also impacted on my physical health: I have no doubt my prolapse and my dodgy knee were partly brought on by the need to lift her.

But I deal with it as pp have said: I try to differentiate between actual bad behaviour otoh and otoh the unavoidable consequences of an illness that must be harder on her than it is on me. Just as I would hope that dh doesn't blame me when I lay more things on him through being unable to lift heavy things or needing to go to bed early.

On the other hand, dd has always known that I will call out rudeness and unkindness. I think there is some security in the very knowledge that I know how to differentiate: "I will blame you for behaving badly, I will never blame you for being ill. I can tell the difference."

There were plenty of other people trying to frighten dd out of being ill (both physically and mentally), plenty of other people trying to shame her out of being ill by stressing the burden she was to them (yes, junior school, I am looking at you!). The only result was that she tried to kill herself. If I had joined her ranks, I expect she would have kept on until she succeeded.

What I did instead was try to compartmentalise. I sought counselling from my own problems away from dd. Dh and I also worked hard on communicating and working as a team. We tried to keep a space for joking and laughing together however grim things got. We also had some family counselling. I am not saying I didn't cry, but that sense of working together and not blaming each other made the unbearable a little more bearable.

The good news is, dd is now an independent adult, studying hard for her future. We are very close, she is enormous fun. She knows that her MH issues are not going away, but she can joke about them, she has an armoury of resources and tricks she can use to handle them, she knows she can ring me at any time night or day if it gets bad.

I have had my fair share of difficult phases with four children, three are teens now. I would agree with those who say that punishments don't really work with this type of behaviour, they can be a short term fix but the key to understanding the issues.

From everything you say here, my gut feeling is that he is in thr wrong school environment and if you don't fix this no amount of counselling or punishments will deliver results.

It sounds to me that the anxiety stems from school. I had this with two of my teens and a school move delivered miracles. I appreciate this isn't always possible but I would seriously look into it.

Ps I totally get what you see going through, having been through similar it is hell on earth and yes it did cause issues way beyond the matter in hand. You have my sympathies

Haven't read through all the replies, will do later as welcome any helpful advice! Just wanted to say no judgement here whatsoever!!! I could have written your post. I too currently take ad because the stress became unbelievable!
Stay with me is right about detaching yourself emotionally even for a few hours / minutes, I find it helps. I give my DD a certain amount of leeway in terms of behaviour because I know she struggles so much but at a certain point that's not justifiable. Try to find someway to sustain your marriage even escape outside the backdoor with a coffee together , a quiet moment and a handhold. xx

This is too tangled for me to understand. I just want to suggest "Choose your battles." if He knew for sure his Options then let him choose rather than asking him about a subject that makes him irate. Focus on more immediate things you'd like him to change, like being a decent housemate.

I'm just curious, why did he need private MRI? Why are you talking about treatment for his injuries like these were huge difficulties 2 help him with?

Op you say several times you don't want another letter about attendance from school. Can't you try to get the school on board with the difficulties you're having and aim to work together as a team, rather than feeling you have to get him to go in so they don't write to you again?

Feel for OP . For teens who don’t care about consequences, it’s very tough and can seriously affect parent’s mental health. Normal methods - punishments and rewards - no difference. Look up PDA : pathological demand avoidance. Might be a fit. Teens with PDA seem OK in some ways but are struggling with a hidden autism that makes it hard for everyone.

This kid lives by the grace of you.

He has no money and no way to live independently.

I think teenagers need to be reminded of that

Take away his privileged and he can get out of he doesn't like it

Poor child. It's really awful to blame him for your own mental health issues. You don't sound very resilient. That is not his fault, even if his behaviour might be causing you anxiety. It wouldn't cause me anxiety and I would have done more parenting courses. No .. that's not me being smug, that's me trying to show you that there are different ways to respond. Your response is your responsibility, not his.
Where to go from here? Are you treating your own anxiety effectively? Can you get more counselling for that? Separately, what resources are available through school or gp to help your son? He says you pressure him. I would listen to that. Projected anxiety can cause huge feelings of pressure. Stop it.

Could your sister take him for a week or two?

Can you then restart the parenting course, because you do seem to not know how to parent, and that is not a criticism, you didn't learn from your own parents.

Is dh supportive?

You and dh are the adults, your ds needs to learn that and he won't if you,'bend over backwards'.

I can see how your support can be seen as pressure, if you have anxiety about attending school then someone trying to get you there can be pressure.

@Octopus37, I think you’ve taken a lot of unnecessary flak on this thread. If it’s any consolation, I currently despise my 12-year-old. She has stolen significant sums of money from me to the extent that we probably can’t afford to go on holiday and I now sleep with my purse and all valuables under my pillow. I won’t go into the full, grim story, but I do think that parents with ‘normal’, neurotypical teens cannot understand that there is a proportion of young people who do, for one reason or another, have significant behavioural issues that can impact so massively on the rest of their families. It’s statistically proven that a high proportion of parents with SEN do end up with depression and other mental health disorders.

My Mum, who is 75, had a mini-stroke last week and I am currently on my sick bed with a temperature of 40+ and a chest infection. I absolutely and categorically believe that our health issues are a consequence of dealing day in day out with my daughter’s thievery, lies, gaslighting, aggression and extreme hostility.

I think people have nit picked needlessly about slightly irrelevant detail ie paying for private scans for your son. Those of us with fairly average comprehension skills could probably understand that you were attempting to build up a picture of a loving and decent family who, quite rightly, prioritise your children’s health needs.

You might get a more understanding and sympathetic hearing if you post your experiences on the ‘clinging to the end of the rope’ thread.

Anyway, just to reassure you that it’s totally normal to hate one’s child occasionally and if it’s not, then you and I can keep each other company in the land of Lucifer.

Very well said moon. The sanctimonious fools attacking the OP on this thread get my goat. They probably have reasonably compliant teenagers and simply have NO idea what it’s like to deal with serious crap day in, day out .... which just adds to the isolation of the struggling parent genuinely trying to do her best.

I totally understand everything you are saying. Sadly, I feel the same way way about my son, who is 11 years old. Seriously don't know how to manage him. He has no respect for me at all - is rude and nasty. Again, I was the sweet little girl who did everything her parents said, and never talked back. I think my son's problems are linked with ADD/ADHD that we only recently discovered, and my poor relationship with my husband/his father whom he seems to idolize. My son thinks I am too critical of his schoolwork, and him in general, and now wants nothing to do with me. :(