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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

swearing

26 replies

cola2019 · 16/02/2020 13:12

My 11 and 13 yr old have cottoned on to the fact how much my husband hates swearing so they now know it is a sure fire to get his attention. He refuses to ignore it so he comes down on them for oh god or b they think it is hilairious so now they keep saying f and s on repeat. The more he tells then off the more they do it. Trouble is he nags them for everything so they love the attention they get for swearing. When it is just me in the house they rarely swear just the odd oh god if something goes wrong but husband will not let it go. Thing is he is the most athiest person out there. In his defence he is autistic and finds parenting really really hard and hates his space and harmonious discord being taken over by kids. He is often out to avoid being around us and I just need him to realise the constant nagging and telling off escalates everything so much more and if he just let them be themselves when he was home they would probably not wind him up so much.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/02/2020 13:15

What are the consequences of swearing? There don't appear to be any so who can blame the kids for doing it.

JillAmanda · 16/02/2020 13:15

hates his space and harmonious discord being taken over by kids

Well sorry but that’s a bit tough isn’t it?!

No wonder your kids play up if they feel in the way. And if he’s taking himself out to get away from them I’d be tempted to tell him to stay away permanently.

Original poster
cola2019 · 16/02/2020 13:25

They rarely do it when their dad isn't home and I don't actually see it as a huge problem when they do. We grew up with out it being a really big deal in our house and because it wasnt seen as a huge issue so we didnt have the need to use it to get attention. He was brought up in in a very strict catholic household (hence why he is now a complete aethiest!!) and he had his mouth washed out with soap twice and his sister was went to stay with her grandparents away from all her friends for a month because of her language so he sees it as a really big deal.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 16/02/2020 13:28

I think that you and your DH need to rethink your red lines and sanctions.
Personally, we ignore swearing unless it is directed at someone, at which point major sanctions kick in. It seems to haved removed the "fun" of swearing and therefore there isn't much bad language used any more.

Wolfiefan · 16/02/2020 13:31

You need to decide on an approach together. Agree what’s acceptable. (Clearly repeatedly saying shit and fuck isn’t acceptable. You must know that as you wouldn’t even type the words. Confused)
Stop acting like he’s the problem for making a fuss over nothing. Agree boundaries and issue consequences.

Original poster
cola2019 · 16/02/2020 13:38

Exactly what i tend to do when on my own ,BUT they know dad will react and because he isn't exactly the most interested parent it is a sure fire way to get a reaction . He will not listen to me and ignore it though. He has now gone out and return now till after 10pm.

OP posts:
user32564567 · 16/02/2020 13:40

I think you would all be happier without him.

lilgreen · 16/02/2020 13:40

Oh god, bloody hell and crap I don’t Class as swearing. I don’t allow anything stronger. They don’t swear in front of us. They are 19 and 16.

Wolfiefan · 16/02/2020 13:41

Why should he ignore the kids repeatedly swearing at him????
I don’t blame him for staying away. If my other half expected me to ignore my children swearing at me then I think I would leave. Permanently.

DevilsAdv0caat · 16/02/2020 13:46

Well he’s not really a dad is he if he’s never around? Autistic or not he made a decision to have children and he should have been an adult enough to weigh up the consequences of this. Sounds like your children are desperate for any attention from him so they do what they know will work despite it being “negative” attention for swearing (oh god isn’t swearing either), which is utterly heartbreaking. Your children are suffering and as parents you need to address this. He needs parenting classes if he can’t work this out tbh.

TARSCOUT · 16/02/2020 13:46

You must be so proud to have bullies as your children because that is exactly what they are! He obviously isn't strong enough to deal.with them so if you actually care about his MH and their future as caring adults sort them out.

glenhaggis · 16/02/2020 13:47

I ignore it, my ds's will swear with/at their friends when on the Xbox and it's not an issue. They know not to swear at me, teachers and my parents so I let it go,

FATEdestiny · 16/02/2020 14:31

You need to reach a vompromide with yoir DH on what tge rules are around swaering and both support the rules.

How wankerish of you to not support him when swearing matters to him.

You need to meet him half way and support in telling the kids off to a certain extent.

user32564567 · 16/02/2020 14:35

OP says he isn't exactly the most interested parent.

So I'm not sure there's much point in him being around.

sockittome123 · 16/02/2020 14:42

If my other half expected me to ignore my children swearing at me then I think I would leave.

But they're not swearing AT him, they're swearing IN FRONT OF him. Surely?

user32564567 · 16/02/2020 14:47

If my other half wasn't very interested in being a parent I would leave.

FATEdestiny · 16/02/2020 15:11

I do not expect to ever hear my children swear. Of course I know they do swear (they are teenagers!) but should know that:

(a) you don't swear in the presence of a teacher
(b) you don't swear in the presence of any authority figure
(c) your mum, dad, grandparents etc are authority figures and shouldn't hear you swear

BUT

(d) it's ok to swear in context with your mates if you want to. As long as it's not derogatory.

I would never dream of swearing in the presence of my mum. Or my husband's mum. But DH and I do occasionally use swear words to each other, if relevant in context.

I'd leave my partner if they completely disregarded my expectations as the OP is. I'd be willing to accept compromise. OP doesn't even seem will to meet her DH half way on this.

Lack of working as a team when parenting = crap parenting from both parents.

Original poster
cola2019 · 16/02/2020 16:46

Thanks for all your responses. I can see where he is coming but as we grew up in completely different households where swearing was a major offence in his house and a minor one in mine it is the hardest thing that we find to compromise on.just for clarification they NEVER swear at either of us and is always in context dropping something spilling something walking into the table and is always god or bloody and when my husband hears this it is he when he reacts which starts the f and s on repeat!!! Because he lsnt around all that much and I do all the parenting and this behaviour only happens when he is here he needs to step up and give out the consequences rather than walking away and then it just starting over again another time.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/02/2020 17:04

Your husband objects to them swearing. You completely undermine him by saying it doesn’t matter and he has to ignore it. I’m not surprised he stays away.
Your kids are behaving dreadfully.

Original poster
cola2019 · 16/02/2020 17:11

But sometimes ignoring stops the bad behaviour. It is because he rarely gives them any attention they have cottoned on that dad reacts. When he is home he never interacts with them so this is their way of getting their dad to notice them I am sure.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/02/2020 17:17

So instead of working with him as a team, developing an effective strategy and making the home a happier place for everyone you let your kids behave in a way your husband finds intolerable and then blame him for ignoring them. All whilst saying it’s his fault for not paying them attention but doing nothing to change that?
Sounds disfunctional and unhealthy.

Original poster
cola2019 · 16/02/2020 17:36

I have tried everything to get him involved but when they were babies he wouldn't go near them no nappy changing, bathing or feeding. I just thought it was because the baby years are hard and it such a massive change. Then when they were toddlers the noise and mess that 2 little people produce caused us to split for 3 weeks so he could re evaluate his life and he decided he wanted to be a dad and he really stepped up for about 6 weeks I even had 2 nights out but then my son was sick and he couldn't cope so he has and never will have then on his own again. Just realied this is going off my original thread a bit but as he has never ever parented them now he is trying they just have no interest in listening to him his autism makes it hard to understand that children are different to adults. I even tried to get him to my daughters parents eve this week such a shame because she is doing brilliantly and I would have loved him to heard this to make him realise that they are good kids really.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/02/2020 18:15

So what have you tried? I would basically be asking him to step up and agreeing to work with him or asking him to leave.
I still wouldn’t let my kids repeatedly swear at him.

FATEdestiny · 16/02/2020 18:54

@cola2019 you have two issues. You're trying to make them into one issue but they are seperate.

(1) Your DH is uninvolved with parenting
(2) Your children are swearing and he (understandably imo) thinks they shouldn't.

Just because he's uninvolved with parenting does not make it ok that they swear around him.

Yes, he sounds like an arse in terms of how disinterested he is. That should not mean you should be an arse too. You should be supporting him in tackling your children swearing. He should be supporting you in other stuff. Don't make one dependant on the other - be a team.

ReallyLilyReally · 16/02/2020 22:58

In the nicest possible way, why have you allowed your husband to ignore your children their whole lives? How incredibly damaging for them. Living with a father who doesn't give a shit except to enforce draconian rules on very minor matters is hardly healthy. Why should they have to listen to his ridiculous rules if he ignores them 99% of the time? Id tell him to GTFO if i were you