dd has just told me she is non-binary

[steppemum]

So, dd is nearly 15.
a couple of years ago she went through a time of questioning, during which she wouldn't talk to us. Finally she told us she was gay. Fine, of course we supported her, and had lots of chats about it, suported her in coming out to the rest of the family etc. No big deal. Relieved that she was chatting about it again, and there were many conversations about stereotypes etc.
She goes to a youth club for LGBT kids and we have fully supported that.

Now she has decided she is non- binary and wants to change her name and pronouns.
Now I don't believe you can change biological sex, and feel that in supporting her to say she is neither, we are saying that a woman cannot be anything she wants to be. She is a women who rejects stereotypes, fine, reject away! But she cannot be neither female nor male, she is female, whether she likes it or not.

I need to support her, and will use her new name but I cannot work out how to go forward with this.

Bloody mermaids and all they teach, until 10 years ago, she would have just been a 'tomboy' and she could have been who she liked, now we need a label and pronouns and name change etc

Just not sure how to move forward.
Need support not slagging off

@Gettingbyparenting what are the 6 scientifically recognized sexes?
What sex are intersex if you say they are not male or female?

X – Roughly 1 in 2,000 to 1 in 5,000 people
XX – Most common form of female.
XXY – Roughly 1 in 500 to 1 in 1,000 people
XY – Most common form of male.
XYY – Roughly 1 out of 1,000 people.
XXXY – Roughly 1 in 18,000 to 1 in 50,000 people.

Intersex is neither male nor female it’s a sort of combination of the two if you will. I hope this isn’t too hard for someone so narrow minded to understand 😘

Actually there are far more non-lethal sex chromosomal arrangements (xxx for one).

Still just 2 sexes though.

XO is Turners Syndrome - only occurs in girls.

XXY is Klinefelter Syndrome - only found in boys.

XXX is triple x syndrome - only found in girls.

XXXY syndrome - only in boys.

By your logic, all men are intersex with their mix of x and y...

XYY syndrome - only in boys!
XYYY syndrome - only in boys...

I feel like I'm seeing some sort of pattern

God knows why this zombie got resurrected but @getttingbyparenting you might like to speak to some of the groups that represent intersex people, or rather people with DSDs. I'm sure they would be very interested to be educated by you.

honestly, I'd probably just tell her "that's nice dear,

Yes ! I agree

I think you have slightly misinterpreted my post. The person I was replying to asked two questions. I answered the two different questions.

Non-binary refers to how someone chooses to identify in regards to gender. Gender is in fact a spectrum and so you could say that we are all a bit non binary but it’s a personal thing. Being non-binary has nothing to do with your chromosomes or your biological sex. I think you have also misinterpreted my previous post explaining that.

I think we should also not patronise them or tell them “oh it’s just because you don’t want to deal with being a woman” which simply isn’t true. As previously stated I am positive they are aware of the challenges they will face in the world as a queer person and as a gender non conforming person. Your child isn’t stupid and I understand that you don’t have much of an understanding of what being non-binary means. I would recommend reading up on being non binary as written by non binary people “Beyond the gender binary” by Alok Vaid-Menon.
I hope you can come to a better understanding of your wonderful child and the world in general.

Oh dear, you've really misunderstood DSDs haven't you? Intersex people have a disorder or difference of sexual development and are still male or female - there is a binary (otherwise how can you be non binary )

The rest is all gender bollocks, where, imo, everyone is your definition of non binary.

You actually seem pretty hung up on “gender bullocks”. Sex doesn’t equal gender and I have no idea how one is meant to try and explain this to someone who is so narrow minded. Might I also add that you have people who may have female anatomy but their body produces male hormones and visa versa. I am obviously not the most qualified person to speak about intersex people. But I have a lot of experience with LGBTQ+ children and so a very good understanding of gender. Gender isn’t bollocks it should be but it isn’t. At the end of the day gender will forever be more important than sex. Not to mention that we have strayed very far from the original post which was much more about gender than sex.

@Gettingbyparenting I don't think you understand about DSD at all, maybe rather than being rude to people you don't know, you should take your own advice and research DSD.

There are only 2 sexes male and female, people with DSD are still only male or female.

People with DSDs have time and time again expressed their wish to be left out of this gender nonsense. They have a male or female sex just like anyone else.

hi! the first thing you can do is use their correct pronouns! it’s really not hard, you just need to practice and it will get easier! secondly, i suggest doing your own research into understanding people who are non-binary so you can help your child feel more comfortable!

@Gettingbyparenting

X – Roughly 1 in 2,000 to 1 in 5,000 people XX – Most common form of female. XXY – Roughly 1 in 500 to 1 in 1,000 people XY – Most common form of male. XYY – Roughly 1 out of 1,000 people. XXXY – Roughly 1 in 18,000 to 1 in 50,000 people.

Intersex is neither male nor female it’s a sort of combination of the two if you will. I hope this isn’t too hard for someone so narrow minded to understand 😘

Bollocks

I'm non-binary, in that I don't have either male or female "gender identity" (whatever that is), and don't see my biology as meaning anything beyond itself (as far as I'm concerned that is. If society insists on attaching consequences to it, that's society's problem).

It's all very well to say she's biologically female whether she likes it or not, but I don't see why she (or anyone else) should have to have that pointed out every time someone refers to them using a pronoun, Just as they shouldn't have to have it pointed out when being considered for a job interview or marked by their teachers at school.

Wanting to be referred to in a way that doesn't specify one's dangly bits, in the vast majority of situations where one's dangly bits are not relevant, seems perfectly reasonable to me. It is of course a shame that the language hasn't caught up and is still bound by its patriarchal roots, but that's not your daughter's fault.

You know what really annoys me about this non binary stuff? The fact that nobody seems to understand that it's nothing to do with transgender etc.
My child is 15, they decided at 14 that they were gay. Now they have decided they are non binary. My biggest issue is changing my mindset from 15 years of "he".
It doesn't Fucking matter what we think. It matters that we respect and support their choice. Maybe further on in years they will choose to be their birth gender, maybe they wont.
Until my child tells me different I will support them and fuck what anybody else thinks.