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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son being excluded!

47 replies

Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 18:43

My D’s just 13 has had a group of friends since nursery all now at secondary together.

DS is very sporty, plays 3 at a very high level. the other two boys do sports but not at the same level as DS.

Lately they have been excluding DS from play dates etc. It is bothering him, he does have other friends from his sports but he considers these two boys his close friends.

There has also been some nasty comments about DS being picked for everything sports related at school from these two boys. Reading between the lines I’m thinking there may be some jealousy at play which l don’t understand as DS is honestly the most modest child about his achievements, never talks or brags so l don’t get this really.

Today he got really upset as they went swimming and didn’t even ask him along, then were posting snaps to him!

What I want to do is speak with the boys mums but at 13 l need to let him sort this himself don’t l?? Any advice...

OP posts:
SoloMummy · 09/02/2020 19:03

Sounds like a normal reaction by the other boys to the it boy and maybe they just wanted a less competitive swimming event today. It sounds like they just want to be normal boys not with the special one all of the time and on an even playing field as peers.

They're friends, not joined at the hips. They don't have to do everything together.

I'd suggest getting your son to expand his friendship group a little.
. Talking to their mums at this point seems ott and probably counterproductive as they will then have another reason to be irritated.

JKScot4 · 09/02/2020 19:05

Play date? They’re 13.
At this age they will start to find their own interests and move into separate friendship groups, surely you don’t expect them
always to do things together.

Tombakersscarf · 09/02/2020 19:09

It's rotten feeling your child is being left out. If they are jealous it doesn't matter how nice your ds has been about his achievements - they can still feel bad that they haven't been able to do that. You could always host an activity if you can (something you need to drive to - trampolining or cinema etc) to give them a nice day out? My ds sometimes doesn't ask one friend along and if I ask why he has no idea 🤷‍♂️

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 09/02/2020 19:09

Play date? Grin

At 13, he should figure things out for himself without his well meaning mum‘s intervention Wink

Friendships often change/people move on in year 8/9, it is normal

What would speaking your the boys mums achieve?

Strangerthingshere · 09/02/2020 19:12

3 is a crowd and I think they have done well to function to that age as a group of 3 (I speak from experience of a similiar situation) I think at 13 they need to figure things out for themselves, I would encourage him to make some new friends. I would possibly drop it into conversation with their mums if we were friends, but nothing more. Maybe encourage him to invite them round individually rather than them always having to be a group.

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 19:18

Good god! Not been hear for ages and I’d forgotten how fucking vile some of you are! Only here for your kicks!! He’s 11 not 13..typo!

Tomb thanks for you response, I’ll keep talking to him about it, he does have lots of other friends so I’ve encouraged him to socialise more with them. I’m glad that he’s able to talk to me about his concerns and we have a very close open dialogue always too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 19:22

Stranger l think dropping it into the conversation is a great idea actually, they all go to Rugby so a good opportunity.

He does have other friends but l guess he just felt sad they they were drifting apart perhaps and didn’t understand what he was doing wrong.

OP posts:
Beingyellow · 09/02/2020 19:25

How did you manage to do the same typo twice? Not trying to be rude, just wondering if maybe he is 13 but you chanfed it because you still think of him and younger and wanted to see if this changed opinion?

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 09/02/2020 19:26

Fucking vile?

Wot? Confused

Beingyellow · 09/02/2020 19:27

By the way....regardless if age, I still think it sucks he's being excluded. I hope he can maybe make some new friends but either 11 or 13....its still up to him to sort these issues himself.

HalfBiscuit · 09/02/2020 19:28

Eh? Who's been vile? Confused

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 19:30

Beingyellow genuine typo! He’s only been in Y7 since September, 12 on March.

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 09/02/2020 19:30

Vile? Deary me think we can see where precious boy gets his sensitivity from?

LangClegsOpinionIsNoted · 09/02/2020 19:32

Placemarking for the lols.

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 19:34

JK He’s neither precious nor sensitive... but thanks for your input hun 😊

OP posts:
TheresWaldo · 09/02/2020 19:34

He's 13 or is he 11??! You do not interfere unless there is actual bullying going on, and encourage him to make new friends. Start of secondary school is a big a change for all kids. It takes them a while to find their place. It's part of growing up. You certainly shouldn't speak to the parents.

FATEdestiny · 09/02/2020 19:36

You don't need to micromanage his friendship groups now he is in secondary school.

He will learn and grown by developing resilience when dealing with knocks like these.

Don't talk about "play dates" anymore. Ever. Seriously. It's extremely odd at his age. He should be managing his own social life independently.

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 19:36

I’d also forgotten how like sheep lots of you are!!

Place marking! How original on MN 🙄

OP posts:
LangClegsOpinionIsNoted · 09/02/2020 19:37

Lols ahoy! Cheers OP. Grin

Original poster
Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 19:40

Fate point taken about the phrase play date . I genuinely don’t micro manage him, he’s very mature for his age, very organised and sensible. He was however upset, boys are allowed to be right! So he can’t to talk to me, which is great on my book.

I was merely seeking opinion not ridicule.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 09/02/2020 19:51

I have two teenage boys, slightly older. Everything changes when they get to secondary school, often longstanding 'close' friendships too. Yes it's likely they're jealous. Probably not going to be close friends much longer given their actions. Quite normal at this age as new groups form.
Encourage your DS to forge new friendships and don't involve the parents.

JKScot4 · 09/02/2020 19:52

‘hun’ 🤣🤣
Going by your previous posts your main theme is criticising and being judgemental about other kids. esp your comments about a child in foster care.
You are an over invested arrogant nasty person slating other kids, odd how your DS is innocent victim here, there and everywhere.

HalfBiscuit · 09/02/2020 19:53

If you post with a rude and obnoxious attitude you are going to receive responses in kind.

Tombakersscarf · 09/02/2020 19:54

He needs to sort issues himself but part of parenting is to talk to him to help him navigate this, not just to leave him to get on with it when he is upset.

FATEdestiny · 09/02/2020 19:56

Listening too him is great, be his sounding board.

What is important is that you don't solve this for him. He must navigate these social issues himself.

So definitely, DEFINATELY, don't contact the other mums about this. Talk to him about ways he can solve it for himself and by himself

Learning that social matters often don't go 'Your way' is an important lesson. Yes, he's been left out. It's not the end of the world. He can rise above it. It need not destroy the friendship. He can have other friends too.

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