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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Son being excluded!

47 replies

Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 18:43

My D’s just 13 has had a group of friends since nursery all now at secondary together.

DS is very sporty, plays 3 at a very high level. the other two boys do sports but not at the same level as DS.

Lately they have been excluding DS from play dates etc. It is bothering him, he does have other friends from his sports but he considers these two boys his close friends.

There has also been some nasty comments about DS being picked for everything sports related at school from these two boys. Reading between the lines I’m thinking there may be some jealousy at play which l don’t understand as DS is honestly the most modest child about his achievements, never talks or brags so l don’t get this really.

Today he got really upset as they went swimming and didn’t even ask him along, then were posting snaps to him!

What I want to do is speak with the boys mums but at 13 l need to let him sort this himself don’t l?? Any advice...

OP posts:

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 09/02/2020 19:57

Friendship groups do drift/change in high school. It is awful to feel your child is being pushed out. I know my DC started spending less time with the oldest friend but, a couple of years in, they are now back to being very close. It’s a big time of change for them all.

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 09/02/2020 19:57

Blimeyheck they've all been let loose today.

Typo of your son's age gets a "nice try but no certificate" though.

Even if he is 11 you shouldn't be micromanaging playdates. No wonder his mates are organising stuff without him if mammy has to do all the planning.

And funny that it's you who think because he's the next Usain Bolt the other kids are jealous. They're really probably just bored at having his prowess rammed down their throats by you.

And the apple probably didn't fall far from the tree.

Original poster

Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 20:04

Tomb my thoughts too...

Half l wasn’t rude in my OP... posters tried to get their kicks from trying to ridicule? Which l clearly felt unnecessary so yes l was rude in return, my apologies.

JK tut tut at your trolling hun... frowned upon on NM. Hopefully you’ll have Aldo seen that DS has a severely autistic twin brother so l definitely don’t have times for spats on here... but thanks for your input, enjoy the rest of your evening.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 09/02/2020 20:05

It can feel really tricky for the other lads if they’re constantly in your DS’s shadow.
Imagine being second best every time that can be hard.
I get your boy is hurting, but this is a really tricky time for all children & navigating that is hard. The other boys probably still love your DS to bits but things are changing and that’s ok.

JKScot4 · 09/02/2020 20:08

“NM” you confused? This isn’t Netmums 🤣
Well worth a look to see your repertoire of running down other kids.
Looks like you constantly interfere and nitpick on your sons behalf.

Original poster

Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 20:09

Book thanks also for you input.

For the record l was merely stating facts for context as a reason they may be drifting apart.

DS plays sports at county level so not quite at Usain Bolts level yet, but he’s working hard so who knows 😉

OP posts:

Original poster

Konmariconvert · 09/02/2020 20:22

FATEdestiny Great advice, which l will take on board, thank you!

OP posts:

WhoWants2Know · 09/02/2020 20:56

I'm currently on the opposite end of this situation with my oldest, and it drives me mad.

Towards the end of primary school, she started to struggle to see eye to eye with a member of the group who had all known each other since toddlerhood. They don't share the same interests or sense of humour, and my daughter began to find this particular child overbearing and obnoxious. We decided that if my daughter had the issue with the other kid, then it was her responsibility to either suck it up or remove herself from the situation. She decided she'd rather be alone than hang out with them.

As a result, she stopped attending after school activities and declined invites if she knew this child would be there.

If she tried to make plans with anyone else from the group, the other child would somehow find out and invite them self along. So she stopped making plans with those friends.

Now in secondary school, she's loving making new friends. But every class, break, or bus trip, this kid is there, being possessive and misbehaving. And god forbid DD sits next to someone else or tries to partner with someone else for group projects-- because that's when the parents message to say their child is being left out.

It's maddening. No one wants to say "Look, your kid is obnoxious and no one wants to hang out with them." We hoped that in a school of over a thousand kids, there would be more than enough people to mingle with that everyone would find their place. But no, somehow my daughter is responsible for their child's emotional well being.

Jesz · 09/02/2020 21:42

Why do I feel like OP is about to pitch about Herbalife?

slipperywhensparticus · 09/02/2020 21:48

I shall endeavor to give you two pieces of advice

First, you dont know how big headed and competitive children are when your not around

Second, bearing in mind my first point perhaps suggest to your son he expands his horizons and maybe goes to the cinema and does something non competitive for s change with his friends

Fyi I have an 12 year old son they can be knobs around each other

slipperywhensparticus · 09/02/2020 21:50

11 year old even 🙄 I also have contact dermatitis and cant use the touchscreen correctly (I still should proof read I know)

cabbageking · 09/02/2020 21:53

Children are often friends in primary because their parents are friendly.
When they start at secondary they make their own friends from choice.
At 13 don't speak to his parents. He needs to make new friends now.

Londonborncatty · 09/02/2020 22:00

I would carry on supporting him in the background and try and encourage other friendships. Arrange other get togethers etc but be careful not to say anything too negative about the 2 boys. You may find they became friendly again in the future.

Being excluded hurts at 11, 13 or 50. Nothing wrong at all in asking for advice on how to support your child. It’s called being a good parent. Good luck.

Original poster

Konmariconvert · 10/02/2020 07:19

slipperywhensparticus l don’t recall saying he doesn’t do other leisure activities so a big presumption on your part.

I did however say he has other friends, but surely he is allowed to be upset about the demise of this other long standing friendship. As his mum l was merely seeking advice on how to help him process this, which many have kindly done which l am grateful for.

OP posts:

Original poster

Konmariconvert · 10/02/2020 07:23

Londonborncatty good advice, thank you!

This is what l as trying to convey but you’ve summed it up nicely, even when we have plans on what to do/say it’s also good to seek advice from other parents on whether this is a good idea or not .

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 10/02/2020 17:24

Them going without him is up to him.

But them sending snaps of it to him is unkind and targeted.

He just needs to message back to tell them include him or keep him out of it or even better still deliberately not even read the messages.

BrokenWing · 10/02/2020 17:50

He’s 11 not 13..typo!

Maybe try the preteen topic rather than teenagers, you might get some advice from preteen parents there.

ds(15) friendship group, which lasted right through from primary until the first year or two of secondary, also went in separate directions as the boys matured and had different interests etc.

ds is now friends with a different group of boys who I don't know, I miss the stage where I knew his friends and their mums well, but sometimes it just works out that way (in his case its a blessing as his old friends have been getting into a bit of trouble recently). I wouldn't interfere with this process other than to encourage him to find new friends/widen his friendship circle and support where possible with lifts etc.

Hepsibar · 10/02/2020 18:02

I think it can be v difficult for children/teens who are exceptional in some way and easy for others to feel insecure or "bitchy". If they were different in another way, for example, a condition which makes them stand out such as autism, no doubt they'd likely be picked on for that.

It is sad for your son but there is a lot of shifting sands in friendships at this time and also you need to be careful on how you support him without appearing overbearing (to him or these friends). Has he any friends out of school from elite sports or in school?

If you are concerned could also speak to Form Tutor at school to keep a check, ask if they could check at break and lunchtimes very discreetly. Schools often run and explore bullying in drama and look at different situations which can sometimes be helpful.

doritosdip · 10/02/2020 18:28

The Snapchat stuff is mean and petty.

It's up to him what to do about the other stuff but definitely don't get involved by contacting the mums etc

You really can't understand why they might be jealous? Even if your son doesn't brag, these boys obviously wish that they were as talented as your son. It's many sporty kids dreams to play for England, score the winning goal etc Would you do a sporting activity with a person who's miles better or would you quit because it made you feel crap?

As the others said I also suspect that this is the end of friendship and your son should make new friends. It's very normal to grow apart from your primary school friends

Northernparent68 · 11/02/2020 12:33

Are you sure your son does n’t brag to his friends ? Or maybe he takes it too seriously and is over competitive with them

GreenTulips · 11/02/2020 12:38

3 teens

None are friends with junior school kids. All made new friends.

That’s senior school for you.

BarbedBloom · 11/02/2020 14:31

Unfortunately this does happen as they get older. I used to work in a secondary school and primary friendships often drift as people grow up, change and make other friends. It could well be that the other two boys get on better or that there could be jealousy going on. Intervening won't do any good, if you try and force the other boys to invite him, I can't imagine they will be too nice to him.

I get this, I had a friend from nursery but we drifted apart in secondary. My mum was close friends with hers and must have said something as I was suddenly invited around again. The girl clearly didn't want me there, which was even worse. She would whisper to her other friends and they would all laugh while I sat in the corner. I made other friends instead.

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