Ds been accused of sharing naked photo of ex gf please advise....

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

Dh was sorting ds phone over Christmas and found a picture of ds then girlfriend flashing her boobs. He deleted it straight away and obviously checked ds phone and spoke to him about it being illegal and asked if he had shared it ds said no. Obviously we spoke to him about it and the seriousness of it. We considered speaking to the school as we didn't know the parents but thought we had sorted it and didn't want to embarrass his gf.
Anyway this week ds has been accused of sharing her photo (although we had deleted it). Ds said one of his friends knew about the photo because he had used his phone a while back (not sure I believe that) and saw it and for some reason decided to wind him up and hinted to others about it so they have all been talking in school and now she thinks he shared the photo but he says he hasn't. Ds spoke to dh last night and told him about it as guess school were aware although have not contacted us. I didn't know anything until her mum messaged me on FB about it so I am devastated!! Dh said it was sorted school haven't rang and there is no evidence of it being shared, his friend backed up the story and we know it was deleted over the Christmas period. What do I say to the mum?? I have no idea what the truth is obviously I will contact the school even though they haven't contacted me 😔

I wouldn't respond.

If the school know they would need to go to the police, surely?
(I take it they are all under 18)

I did and apologised as it was the first I knew of it and was mortified. Dh didn't say anything as ds didn't want me to know and her mum knew that too hence why she messaged me. I don't know if he did or didn't. Do I say I knew about the photo but deleted ages ago and spoke to ds?? Do I just apologise and leave it to school. Obviously she shouldn't have sent the photo and this was the point I was making to ds about having it on his phone. But if he has shared it I will be livid!!

Dh only know about it because ds asked him for a chat. The scholl haven't even spoken to us 😑

Tell the mum exactly what you said in your opening post.
Where has he been accused of sharing it? Social media?

I would speak with the safeguarding lead at the school and outline what you have written here. They will have seen it all before and will have the job of protecting both children. If the friend has seen the photo on his phone then it has been shared and she should not be creating these images either.

School wouldn’t necessarily go to the police over the existence of this photo but if it’s been shared then the chances are higher. School have latitude to interpret law around this - if two 15yos have pictures of each other’s bits and aren’t sharing and aren’t using to humiliate, coerce etc then although technically illegal they’d not prosecute and likely advise the school to get some e safety sessions sorted. However sounds like it’s been used in a way which could get DS into trouble. He can’t prove he didn’t share to someone else’s phone.

I'm getting a bit confused but it sounds as if your ds has the photo on his phone for a while, and at least one friend saw it, intentionally or not. And your husband unfortunately has seen it too.
Your dh deleting it might not have been the end of it if it was backed up on the cloud etc.
Maybe this is all too commonplace for the police to care but it's still illegal, to send and to keep/share.
It might be seen as evidence of a sexual relationship which could be a problem depending on ages. Can your son sit down and give you a full and honest version of events?

How old are DS and his ex girlfriend? I think that will shape what advice you get.

I don't know how it was shared or even if it was and cannot believe the school have not contacted us!! If it was shared surely someone would have took it to the school a friend or someone?? We deleted it at Christmas so not sure why it's come about now. There were no other photos on his phone as dh checked especially with the phone being under his name etc too contract which we also pointed out to ds. Ds said because his big mouth friend was telling everyone she thought he had shared the photo but he hadn't. Maybe ds told his friend she sent him some and that's why it's come out now as they are now over or he actually did. I don't know 🙁

so the photo has been shared. Even if your DS didn't send it on, she sent it to him.

Technically that is distribution of child sexual images.

Even if the police do get involved it is unlikely to be recorded as a criminal offence. They will get safeguarding involved though and word will be said about the illegality of this sort of thing.

TBh I don't think that would be a bad thing? More kids do need to know about this.

So the school know about this? They must follow their policy but they are not the only people responsible for safeguarding. You, as parents, are too. However if pupils are involved the school should be investigating. www.parentsprotect.co.uk has good advice. The school must follow its safeguarding policy. Wait to be contacted.

I would actually get advice first before I stirred things up further. However, it’s illegal but it’s also likely that the police won’t take it further. Many children’s charities have stated they don’t want children criminalised over this. I’ve attached some extracts from child law as well.

Are you going to post their ages?

They are 14/15. I don't know if ds has shared it only that she sent it to him. Obviously my concern is if he did share it in some way. We did delete the photo though over Christmas and spoke to him about getting into trouble for even having the photo on his phone and even more so if he shared it.

If the friend saw the photo on the phone might he have also shared it without your son knowing?

I'm not sure what I'd do but I'd probably be asking the school if they have proof that the photo has actually been shared.

If it hasn't and the friend is making trouble I'd be speaking to his parents I think

So exGF took a topless pic of herself and sent it to your DS.

Your DH has seen this pic, as has at least one of DS' friends - this is not in doubt.

At the moment, there is no proof that your DS shared the photo electronically, although (it is likely) he may have told his friends about it and shown it to them.

The school haven't contacted you.

At this point I wouldn't reply to the mum. If the police become involved, exGF will be in as much trouble as your son, as it was she who sent the picture.

Unless someone else comes forward with a copy of this picture on their phone, sent to them by your son, they'll probably both just get a bollocking from the police and told not to be so fucking stupid in future.

However I'd be having strong words with my son about his friend "accidentally" seeing this photo after he "borrowed his phone for something", as quite frankly, knowing what my 16 year old is like with his phone, that's bullshit and it's pretty obvious that your son did show at least this one friend the picture.

When the picture was deleted was it also deleted from the cloud/non-apple equivalent?

There have been cases where teenagers have received police cautions - probably to send a message since young people tend not to see that they can be guilty of distributing child sex images when they are the child in question. The girlfriend commits the offence too in this case. Not that this is a very common occurrence but you might want to convey this to your DS so he can avoid any similar issues in future.

Are you sure the photo was fully deleted? I have an iPhone and can back photos up onto the cloud without them being on my actual phone.

www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/sexting/

Read this OP, and send the link to the other mother. The girl has acted illegally. If your DS has sent the photo to others, he's also acted illegally.

In my school we would notify parents and social services, who would usually notify police.

I'd be considering removing my sons phone at this stage and replacing it with one which doesn't have photo taking capabilities. He's 14? I'd be more inclined to leave this at a 'serious chat' at 16 but it's a slippery slope at 14. He shouldn't be asking for photos / receiving them and she shouldn't be sending them - but that's for her mum to sort out

Be factual to mum.

"I am well aware that my ds has a photo on his phone that your dd sent him of her breasts. My dh found it at Christmas and deleted it. He explained to ds the implications of having the photo and that your dd was guilty of of distributing child porn by sending it.
Dh explained he would be guilty if he shared the photo.
As far as I am aware ds has not shared photo - this is of course based on what he's told me.
If you have concerns then by all means we can contact police who can investigate properly."

It either has to end now with both dcs knowing the law or it needs professional investigation. If she sent it and he deleted it her 'crime' is more severe. If they both shared it then they are both as responsible.

I can't believe someone said don't respond to the mother. How awful..

Op, I'd maybe say you'd just found out about the allegation and your son swears he did not share the photo,

However from what you've written I think he at least showed his mates. And he's lying to you.

What has the other mum asked you?

She was basically asking if I was ds mum and telling me that he has shared photos of her daughter around school and felt I should know. She has spoken to school and has said they have dealt with it. She said they spoke to ds dad (they haven't) as ds didn't want me knowing. Just re-read full message and it says he shared them yesterday 🤔 think I need to ring the school.