Ds been accused of sharing naked photo of ex gf please advise....

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

Dh was sorting ds phone over Christmas and found a picture of ds then girlfriend flashing her boobs. He deleted it straight away and obviously checked ds phone and spoke to him about it being illegal and asked if he had shared it ds said no. Obviously we spoke to him about it and the seriousness of it. We considered speaking to the school as we didn't know the parents but thought we had sorted it and didn't want to embarrass his gf.
Anyway this week ds has been accused of sharing her photo (although we had deleted it). Ds said one of his friends knew about the photo because he had used his phone a while back (not sure I believe that) and saw it and for some reason decided to wind him up and hinted to others about it so they have all been talking in school and now she thinks he shared the photo but he says he hasn't. Ds spoke to dh last night and told him about it as guess school were aware although have not contacted us. I didn't know anything until her mum messaged me on FB about it so I am devastated!! Dh said it was sorted school haven't rang and there is no evidence of it being shared, his friend backed up the story and we know it was deleted over the Christmas period. What do I say to the mum?? I have no idea what the truth is obviously I will contact the school even though they haven't contacted me 😔

Ds is 15 his ex gf must be 14/15not sure exactly.

A pp who said this is distributing 'child pornography' is incorrect. Child pornography is an oxymoron. Sending sexual images of children is child abuse.

The law says
"In the UK the age of consent for sexual intercourse is 16. However, it is an offence to make, distribute, possess or show any indecent images of anyone aged under 18, even if the content was created with the consent of that young person. The law is contained in section 1 Protection of Children Act 1978.

Examples include:

a child (under 18) sharing a sexual image with their peer (also under 18);
a child (under 18) sharing a sexual image created by another child with a peer or an adult;
a child (under 18) in possession of a sexual image created by a child (under 18).

So, both of the children are guilty, her by sharing a sexual image, has m by being in possession of a sexual image created by a child.

I also think the suggestion the same PP made about telling the mother that you may go to the police if she decides to take this further is shocking. It's almost akin to blackmail. Both children have done a very stupid thing,which is now coming back to bite them. Neither is innocent. Your DS didn't delete the image as soon as he received it, because if he had, your DH wouldn't have found it.

Your DH has been extremely naive in thinking that deleting the photo was getting rid of it or sorting the situation. Depending on how he got it in the first place, it will have been stored in several places on the phone (and in the cloud) and can have been restored in seconds.

It was very wrong not to inform the girl's family that the photo existed in the first place, and your son's smartphone should have been removed from him at that point.

I wouldn't believe for a second that the sharing has only taken place in rumor.

If you haven't taken his phone off him yet, now would be a good time to replace it with a Nokia brick.

If someone sends you a photo then you are in possession of it by default. It is not an offence to receive a picture or message. If the content is criminal and you delete it you do not have it in possession. What children need to be taught is the moment someone sends you a naked picture you take it to the police. You report it's been sent to you and therefore you have been in possession of it.

Ok, in this case the dh deleted it. The boy was in possession of something distributed by a minor. And as long as he didn't distribute it he is not guilty of that offence. And it's not blackmail to say to the mum that her dd also did something stupid and either a line is drawn under it or you both agree to get police involved. It's giving her the option of taking responsibility for her dd actions as the op has her ds.

I have not said that I believe him at this point. However we do know the photo was deleted, I assume dh checked else where. We spoke to ds about it and warned him of the consequences when we first found it. I did not know the girls parents and have no idea how she found me on FB or even knew my name. We thought about contacting the school it was during the hols and at that point I did not want to embarress the girl so hoped speaking to to ds, deleting the photo would make him think twice.
Yes he didnt delete it straight away he is a teenage boy and she was his gf. He probably didn't know either the seriousness. I hope he hasn't shared it. I can't find any evidence on his phone that he has but I don't know. Somethings obviously happened either he's bragged a out it, shown friends or his friend has just tried to cause drama. I just can't understand why they school did not contact me if it was the case.

"I am well aware that my ds has a photo on his phone that your dd sent him of her breasts. My dh found it at Christmas and deleted it. He explained to ds the implications of having the photo and that your dd was guilty of of distributing child porn by sending it.
Dh explained he would be guilty if he shared the photo.
As far as I am aware ds has not shared photo - this is of course based on what he's told me.
If you have concerns then by all means we can contact police who can investigate properly."

Please, please don't send this. It's so unnecessarily aggressive and will only serve to pit you two mums against one another. This is not about whose child is more in the wrong. They are teenagers and have made a bad mistake- a serious one- and both are equally at fault. You should speak to the school and agree the consequences of your son's actions with your DH and in full consultation with the school safeguarding lead. A conversation with a police officer would probably not be a bad thing, for your son and his gf but also for the other boy in question. Incidentally I think your DH has given very poor advice to your son, and I also think it's unwise of parents to keep secrets with their children and from their partner. Your son may well have been embarrassed but in a situation as serious as this your DH should have told you.

I know none of this is your fault but you can now take responsibility for how this is managed moving forward. And I think the Nokia brick is a good idea.

Actually, it isn’t up to school to decide to prosecute or not. They can and will notify the police. I don’t know why they haven’t already. The other mother could also contact the police but then her daughter would be liable for prosecution because she shared the photo in the first place.

This is what I say to my students: you don’t know what happens to your photos after you send or upload them. Don’t share anything you wouldn’t want your parents or future employer to see.

but then her daughter would be liable for prosecution because she shared the photo in the first place
Did she send it? Or did he take a photo of her with his phone?

The mum has contacted OP accusing her son of distributing a photo.

Something he denies although there's no evidence he's telling truth or not either way.

Op does know photo was deleted during Christmas time but obviously not if it was restored etc.

The mum is making an accusation. It's very likely her dd sent the photo in the first place.

So why not return the comment to mum with the reality and ask her what she wants to do together?

If a boy had sent this MNer would be screaming to confront mum about her ds distributing the photo and pointing out how wrong he was etc. I've seen it here many a time. The responses are just different when the sexes are reversed.

Girls as well as boys send photos without thinking about the consequences.

When a friends dd sent nudes she removed her phone for a month and contacted the boys parents. She asked that they speak to son and make sure he hasn't sent it on. She also asked they delete the photo. But alongside that she recognised what her dd had done and asked the parents if they intended to inform police - as was their right.

They agreed as parents between them to speak to the children and make sure all others they were aware of had been deleted.

Spoke to ds he said she sent it to himages ago so Xmas because he was ignoring her so she sent the pic saying talk to me. He said it up loaded or stored in his phone. So although he saw it he did not know it was saved. His mate and him were in town on the bus and messing around on Instagram posing for photos and his friend saw it on his phone. The teachers checked his phone yesterday and couldn't find any pics. But his friend basically made some personal comments about the girl in class and eventually found out a out the photo. I'm so annoyed in hindsight I should have reported it to the school but I honestly didn't want to embarrass the girl.

Maybe the ex bf posted the photo to someone else herself to get your ds in trouble. If he doesn't want to be with her she might be seeking revenge and looking for attention. The other mum should not have messaged you if there is no actual proof. Hope your ds is ok.

He said it up loaded or stored in his phone. So although he saw it he did not know it was saved.

Sorry, a 15 year old knows exactly how phone storage, photo saving, the cloud etc work. He's minimising what's happened to try and get in less trouble. I think a school chat is required as soon as you can, you don't have to wait for them to get in touch with you - be proactive.

God please dont ignore the mum or say what itsgettingwierd suggested!
I'd reply and say that your son says he hasn't but if it transpires that he has then he'll be in deep shit with you.
I think its fairly likely he's not telling the whole story.
That poor girl must be mortified.

From the school’s perspective this is probably more of a safeguarding matter than a police matter. Best to call the school and discuss it directly with them. If they’re following guidelines they will have reported the matter internally to their child protection/safeguarding rep and it may get referred to the police but not necessarily. Suspect that sexting is a frequent occurrence and police involvement isn’t necessary or pragmatic in this case unless the other parents want to escalate it but equally if they do, your son didn’t ask for the picture in the first place and without evidence of sharing it, there hasn’t been any technical wrong doing on his part. Moral is a separate issue if he told people about it.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/sexting/

The school should let you know what action they’ll take if any, hard to see what they would do beyond speak to both kids and reinforce the message in the link and then use this as a learning opportunity within the year group/school.

Unfortunately this is pretty common these days and whilst sexting isn’t going to stop, kids need to know what to do if they receive a sexual image unsolicited and be aware not to share it. There’s a discussion needed around creating images in the first place and consent too ie if you receive a picture, it’s an offence to share it but also there’s lack of consent to pass it on and that’s important for kids to think about too as they grow up irrespective of the technicalities.

You need to check the cloud, or equivalent as a pp said. Deleting it from his phone doesn’t mean it hasn’t been automatically stored.
I would not get into informal conversations, let the school deal with it and support them in any further investigations, but make sure your DS knows how serious this could become. He needs to be completely aware of the consequences.

In terms of responding to the other parent, maybe could say that you appreciate her message and you’re aware of the situation but as there seem to be some conflicting accounts of what’s happened you plan to follow up with the school directly too and just leave it at that?

@YasssKween both messenger and WhatsApp actually do automatically download any pictures received to your phone now, so if it was sent by one of those apps it probably did. Likewise I think iMessage does it too, though I don't have an iPhone anymore so it could have changed. You can turn this off in settings of course but not everyone knows. It's entirely possible he didn't know it would save.

OP, ignore. School haven't contacted you, you don't know this person, shes his ex for a reason, and she sent the photo originally. I know it's serious but honestly it's been normal to send pics like this to your high school gf/bf for years now and they probably had no idea that they were doing something illegal. She could be saying he has shared it purely to get him into bother. If you know it was deleted and trust your son, ignore unless you get further info. There's nothing to be done unless she is suggesting she wants your son to get in trouble, in which case as another poster said above, it was her dd who actually distributed the child porn. There is proof of that. No proof or reason to believe your son did anything.

both messenger and WhatsApp actually do automatically download any pictures received to your phone now, so if it was sent by one of those apps it probably did. Likewise I think iMessage does it too, though I don't have an iPhone anymore so it could have changed. You can turn this off in settings of course but not everyone knows. It's entirely possible he didn't know it would save.

Those are exactly the features I meant and I don't know many teens who wouldn't know the pictures automatically save - of course I may be wrong in this instance about OP's DS but it just strikes me as unlikely a teen wouldn't know that pics sent by others are saved automatically to camera roll. It's absolutely possibly he didn't, as you say, but I would have thought most teens would.

Thanks for for the responses. I did initially apologise and say I would speak to ds and the school as its not acceptable. But having spoke to ds and knowing the school have not contacted us I do feel maybe he hasn't shared it via social media. However whether he has shown a friend or bragged I don't know. Dh came across it by accident as was sorting his storage out so who knows. Hopefully both have learnt a lesson. I don't want to keep apologising to the mum if ds isn't completely guilty as like others have said she was the one who had sent it, but now I feel bad knowing I knew about the photo ages ago. If he has shared it i will be speaking to the police and he will definitely learn a harder lesson.

Are you sure the school didn’t contact your husband? Seems odd that the other parent knows that your husband knew about the latest development but you didn’t, how did she know this?

If it’s all blown up this week and they haven’t been in contact with your husband, it’s possible the school may still get in contact with you and somewhat surprising if they don’t. If it turns out your son did share the image, I wouldn’t involve the police unless the school choose to do this.

No. Do not contact the police. Read your schools safeguarding policy so you understand their role. Look at the advice web sites I posted earlier. Sit tight. The school will deal with this and you don’t need to do anything. It’s likely the school would contact both parents and ask DS to go to a meeting. The police rarely do anything in these circumstances. Just don’t poke the hornets nest!

Yes he didnt delete it straight away he is a teenage boy and she was his gf. He probably didn't know either the seriousness.

It is drilled into them at school, he knows the seriousness.

Tell him you need full disclosure now of exactly who has seen the photo and if he shared to anyone so you know what you are dealing with.

Tell the mum as far as you know only X saw the photo on his phone, it hasn't been shared and as soon as your dh found it he deleted it and your son was spoken to. You can apologise he let someone else see it, but not for having it as she sent it unsolicited.

Cooperate with the school if they contact you. There is no need for you to contact the school or police.

Interesting that some posters are certain that teens would know that photos are automatically backed up or downloaded from whatapps or whereever, I genuinely don't think my teens would be aware of this. ime they use the various apps but don't bother themsleves about how they actually work.

It goes without saying that I don't know anything about the OP's son or others but I don't think we can make blanket assumptions about what someone knows technology. I know that I know a lot more about how phones/apps actually work than my teenagers do, they don't care as long as they work.