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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How do you manage freedom?

34 replies

Soffy · 02/02/2020 09:07

Dd is our eldest. Age 14. A good kid, apart from the occasional strop. She has a lovely group of friends, who have recently made friends with a group of boys we havent met. Up until now shes always been up in her room playing video games . Her friends and these boys now meet most weekends to hang out in town , go to the cinema etc. I know this is all normal stuff , but how do you deal with setting boundaries? So far, we've said she must be home by 6, we must know where she is (we have find a friend so we can see her ) and know what shes doing. Ideally I'd like to meet the boys but that's probably not going to happen. Confused

I keep an eye on her phone and can see from the group chat with the boys that it all seems ok. They are just swapping memes etc.

I've talked to her about being careful of the company she keeps but at some point we have to let her use her own judgement. She is sensible but not worldly.

DH suffers from anxiety and gives me a hard time when shes out. We could see she was in a local park the other day at 5.30 after dark and he was like a cat on a hot tin roof. I have to manage that, as well as this new experience of DD spreading her wings . I manage it by telling DH to cool it and saying she will be fine. But I keep doubting myself. We live in London which perhaps doesnt help as DH keeps showing me reports of stabbings. Shock

How much freedom does your 14 year old have? How do you manage the inner voice of panic when they are out, or is that just me?Grin

OP posts:
Ilovethewild · 02/02/2020 09:11

Op, home by 6 is early for a 14yo. Have you discussed with dd? IMO it’s best discussed and agreed with teens, help her set boundaries she is happy with. If you don’t give her some freedom you risk her taking it secretly. Ps am in London so appreciate how scary it can be, but trust goes along way with dc

Soffy · 02/02/2020 09:16

I honestly think DH would end up in hospital if she came home later. Hmm

What time did/does your 14 year old come home ?
The shops are closed by then so what else would they be doing ?

Did you build up to later times slowly? I had thought this might happen slowly as she moves towards 15 in the summer. By then the evenings will be lighter.

I like the idea of setting boundaries with her . DH keeps pointing out that we dont know these boys. I think he'd like to follow her and check them out if he could Grin

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grafittiartist · 02/02/2020 09:17

Also have a 14 year old and a nervous husband.
He causes more stress about it than the teen!
As a child I had complete freedom and no phone, so I'm very laid back.
Keep chatting, in a relaxed way, so that you know who the friends are.
Tricky isn't it.

Soffy · 02/02/2020 09:23

Yes it's very tricky. I grew up in London so dont worry as much. DH grew up in the countryside with very nervous overprotective parents. I'm trying to manage his anxiety whilst hoping I'm making the right decision for DD. Whilst also knowing if anything did go wrong that I would get it in the neck from DH. The boys are from another school so i cant even check them out via the parent network. Wink I just have to hope DD has inherited some of her father's uptightness and will avoid trouble.

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dementedma · 02/02/2020 09:39

Your dh is the problem here. I had a similar situation with mine and dd2 which ended up with her moving out as a young teen and living with her grandmother for a few years...( only a few streets away though). His intransigence on boundaries became controlling behaviour, following her, trying to track her phone etc. It created massive issues over trust and acceptable behaviour. Home at 6 for a 14 year old is early. She will soon start pushing this...and he will resist. I really feel for you being caught in the middle and cant offer a solution Im afraid, other than sitting down together and drawing up some compromises which everyone sticks to. Maybe some anxiety counselling for dh?

Soffy · 02/02/2020 09:44

I've grown so used to it that I now doubt myself. He was saying on repeat on friday when she was in the park ' are you happy about her being in a park in the dark with boys you don't know? Are you? What are you going to do about it? '. Blah blah. Its exhausting. When I pointed out that she will be home by 6 and it had only just got dark he started huffing about the house. It then makes me worry about her and start fretting. She walked I'm at 6 absolutely fine. What is a reasonable time for a 14 year old to be home?

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Redcliff · 02/02/2020 09:59

Although I agree 6 is early if she is ok with it and it helps with your DH's anxiety then maybe keep it for now. If she wants to change it in the future then review it then.

crumpledlinen · 02/02/2020 10:07

I agree that as it's dark by then and shops are shut, 6pm is the norm, unless they are planning cinema, bowling etc.

As it gets lighter, you can stretch it out.

Soffy · 02/02/2020 11:01

I've just spoken to her and agreed 6pm again for next saturday. I think the answer is to do things in steps for DHs sake, but also for her. I offered to drop them all home but she rolled her eyes at me Grin

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DowntonCrabby · 02/02/2020 11:08

Your DH really must get help to manage his anxiety.

Your DD’s experiences and how you both manage her burgeoning independence over the next few years will really be affected if he doesn’t manage his MH.

PootleandPosey · 02/02/2020 11:23

6pm in year 10 seems really early. Some of mine are older now but would be out til 8ish but we have an outlet that’s open til then they’d get drinks in subway etc. And we’d pick them up if they were a while away as didn’t like them walking at night.

oktoberfestisuponus · 02/02/2020 11:27

Your daughter shouldn't miss out on things because your partner can't cope with her being out of the house doing what typical 14 year olds do. You have find a friend and you said she has a level head. What happens if she wants to see a movie after 6 or go bowling?

Jesz · 02/02/2020 11:28

My 12 year old has just gone to the skate park/the area around it and I don't expect to see him until 8, I think you really need to help DH calm it sometimes.

MaybeDoctor · 02/02/2020 11:33

Aren't parks closed at sundown in most London boroughs?

I used to walk to work via an inner London park and it was always closed at 5.30pm in the winter, so I had to walk a longer way around. I saw people hopping the fence though...

To be honest, I don't think he is all that wrong to be concerned. It was completely unlit and I wouldn't have gone in there after dark myself.

NotYourTypicalNerd · 02/02/2020 11:42

Interesting. My 14y old (year 9) has a curfew of six. It is really weird not knowing what they are up to when they go out at 10 for example and you have no idea what they are up to (he says mostly mooching around Morrisons for snacks, sitting and having coffee in coffee shops!). Very hard to let go. Worse is he is out with his girlfriend! That said, they are often here too. The town is about a 40-minute walk away so some of that time is spent walking back home, although I do seem to give lifts to them both very often!

I do expect the time to increase over the summer tbh as the night get lighter. But at the moment I feel six is ok. They do go out later to ice skating or the movies - but generally we pick up and drop off at that point rather than under their own steam. So the six isn't "fixed" .

Sorry that was all ramble. Basically, I am a cross between you and your DH!

How often do you expect texting/communication to occur if out all day for people with children this age?

Soffy · 02/02/2020 11:50

The park in question doesnt close as it's not fenced off from the surrounding pavement. If she wanted to stay out after 6 to do something specific then we would change the time and probably pick her up. Anyway, whilst DD is happy we'll stick to 6.we have tons of buses and trains so it's not a problem for her getting home.

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Rocsand03 · 02/02/2020 12:38

My ds is told to be home by 8.30 on a school night. He can beater at the weekend as long as we know exactly where they are. He’s been going into town with his friends for a while now which is about a 20 minute journey. They basically wander around the shops beside the station and come home. They don’t venture very far but if they do decide to have a say somewhere else they usually ask for a lift and picked up. I was the one who was the worrier but dh was the one who said we need to start letting him grow a bit. I’m all for it but you can’t help yourself.

Rocsand03 · 02/02/2020 12:39

*he can be later

daisypond · 02/02/2020 12:46

6 seems early to me. But I wouldn’t be happy about them hanging around in the park as a regular activity. I have/had London teenagers, and mine tended to go off to do something at that age- ice skating, cinema, shops, a party at someone’s house. Hanging around in the park. Also, do you mean at weekends or after school?

mcmen05 · 02/02/2020 13:37

@Soffy what do you mean what else would they be doing if she starts going with one off the boys. She will want to kiss him in the dark and go for walks holding hands and making out in the park.
Where you and your dh never teenagers.
As long as no drink drugs and casual sex.
8pm at weekend for 14 year old.

corythatwas · 02/02/2020 13:38

Your DH really must get help to manage his anxiety. Your DD’s experiences and how you both manage her burgeoning independence over the next few years will really be affected if he doesn’t manage his MH.

Absolutely this. It sounds like at the moment you and your dd are managing this rather well through negotiation. But she needs to know that his MH will not be allowed to get in the way of her development into an independent adult over the new 4 years. Thre three of you need to discuss this- first you and your dh, then you and her- and come up with a rough outline of a plan.

By the time she is 18 she needs to have the skills to negotiate the outside world, stay out all night if she likes, make independent decisions about the safety of different outdoor and indoor spaces, choose sexual partners responsibly and safely, attend places where drugs and copious amounts of alcohol will be on offer.

She does not have those skills now, some of them are a bit too early to be thinking about, and she still needs to be kept safe to some extent, but the agreement has to be that she is to be allowed to gradually develop them.

If that idea puts your dh in hospital, then he'll have to go to hospital, or at least make an appointment with the GP.

Yes, stabbings are horrible, but she is still an awful lot safer than she will have been travelling in his car (assuming he drives). If he drives, then he has made a deliberate decision based on risk assessment many times because he perceived the goal as worthwhile. He needs to see that this is also worthwhile.

BarbedBloom · 02/02/2020 14:46

Your DD is not and should not be responsible for your partners anxiety. He needs to get some help for it. In a few more years she may well be at University and what will happen then? Will you still be insisting on tracking her then? Stabbings can happen in broad daylight.

Soffy · 02/02/2020 18:44

Yes you're quite right. I was being tongue in cheek about the hospital comment. We all have find a friend on our phones and dont seeing as tracking each other. It's just useful particularly when we're driving somewhere or cant answer the phone.

Anyway, I've had a chat with DD and agreed a few rules. I've told her we can agree sometimes together and that I trust her judgement on friends. But she has to earn trust so anything that alters that may need to result in a change in rules. She the announced that she wants to go to a skate boarding park on a particularly rough area Blush. Time to hold my nerve and see what happens. Thank you MN.

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adhdme2019 · 02/02/2020 19:04

This is not meant to sound coach I promise!!

But is the only reason you’re wary of these boys because they are boys you’ve not met? You mentioned choosing the company she keeps or something similar as if you think they’re a bad bunch but then I couldn’t see anything else you’d said that made you feel that way?

So it’s just the unknown?

I feel for you because I imagine this is such a difficult stage for a parent. My parents were very much like your OH and wouldn’t even let me go to friends house if their mum wasn’t there because obviously all dads are out to touch up their daughters friends Confused

pointythings · 02/02/2020 19:06

Have you had a chat with your DH though? Because he is the main problem here. He should not be allowed to hold back your DD's independence because of his own anxieties - that will do her no favours at all. A 6 pm curfew is just silly for a 14 year old. I'd be having firm words with your DH about getting professional help for his anxiety.