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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How do you manage freedom?

34 replies

Soffy · 02/02/2020 09:07

Dd is our eldest. Age 14. A good kid, apart from the occasional strop. She has a lovely group of friends, who have recently made friends with a group of boys we havent met. Up until now shes always been up in her room playing video games . Her friends and these boys now meet most weekends to hang out in town , go to the cinema etc. I know this is all normal stuff , but how do you deal with setting boundaries? So far, we've said she must be home by 6, we must know where she is (we have find a friend so we can see her ) and know what shes doing. Ideally I'd like to meet the boys but that's probably not going to happen. Confused

I keep an eye on her phone and can see from the group chat with the boys that it all seems ok. They are just swapping memes etc.

I've talked to her about being careful of the company she keeps but at some point we have to let her use her own judgement. She is sensible but not worldly.

DH suffers from anxiety and gives me a hard time when shes out. We could see she was in a local park the other day at 5.30 after dark and he was like a cat on a hot tin roof. I have to manage that, as well as this new experience of DD spreading her wings . I manage it by telling DH to cool it and saying she will be fine. But I keep doubting myself. We live in London which perhaps doesnt help as DH keeps showing me reports of stabbings. Shock

How much freedom does your 14 year old have? How do you manage the inner voice of panic when they are out, or is that just me?Grin

OP posts:
adhdme2019 · 02/02/2020 19:06

Goady not coach!!!

Soffy · 02/02/2020 19:16

@adhdme2019. Yes its exactly that. We dont know them so it adds a layer of worry.

I know 6pm seems a bit early but given it's dark by then, DD is quite happy with that. I'd be ok with a later time if she was going somewhere specific. I'm sure it will happen. You're right about DH and his anxiety. Its important for DD to develop the skills she will need so that will be my mantra.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 02/02/2020 20:05

Frame it as keeping her safe, OP. Remind him that he will love her just as much when she is 18 and out on the tiles, and at that point all that will stand between her and any dangers out there will be her own skill and judgment.

bringbackspanishflu · 02/02/2020 20:36

Going into town, mooching around shops, cinema etc is all fine. Hanging around in the park would be a no.

My parents were fairly laid back and I don't really remember ever having curfews as such, as long as they knew where I was and with who but I was never allowed to hang around in the park after dark.

Gogolego · 02/02/2020 20:56

Is your dd aware of your DH's anxiety?

6pm is all well and good atm as it's getting dark at that time. But what's going to happen as the evenings get longer? Is it a week by week review situation.

MaybeDoctor · 02/02/2020 21:11

The main risk to her is most likely to be adult men, rather than boys her own age. For example, getting separated from the group and finding herself approached by a 'friendly' man that she might not have the experience to shake-off/evade.

If an adult would hesitate to go into any particular environment (park after dark, skatepark in a rough area) why on earth is it assumed to be so beneficial and independence-building for a young teen to go there?

Soffy · 02/02/2020 22:44

No one is saying its beneficial. Shes not going to the skate park and we spoke to her about the park. We called her at half 5 to say it was dark there and to come home which she did. We will be letting her go out when we know where she is and we think its appropriate (cinema , bowling etc ). And 6pm is fine as a curfew if she's just mooching about town. Later would be ok for specific reasons such as bowlingor the cinema , but not just to hang about in the dark. The park in question is a bit odd as there is no fence and it's small so its probably not the type of park people think of.

OP posts:
Soffy · 02/02/2020 22:48

@mcmen05. I didn't mean that. What I meant was I dont know why 6pm is presumed too early as a curfew for a 14 year old because unless they have somewhere specific to go, there is nothing else to do for them at that time I'm your average town /area. So people saying 6om is too early seems odd to me. 6pm is fine when all they're doing is hanging out in town in the day . It will be different in the summer I suppose.

OP posts:
mamaduckbone · 04/02/2020 20:02

I don't think 6pm is too early if she isn't going anywhere specific - our ds1 is 14 (year 9) and is expected home at 6-6.30 unless he's at someone's house or out somewhere specific. It's cold and dark and there's nothing to do once the shops are shut where we live.

The issue is more your Dh's anxiety - my dh is also a sufferer and I do feel like the United Nations sometimes. He became a bit obsessive about checking find my friends for a while but has reined it in because he saw that ds was actually pretty trustworthy.

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