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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager and drugs... Feeling so alone

39 replies

HollyJenni · 21/01/2020 11:16

Good morning.
I had suspicions about my 15 year old stepson. For a little while
Last year his 17 year old brother was caught selling weed at school and was excluded as a result.
The younger stepson had been showing signs of deceit and a change of habits and appearance. Things like leaving his bedroom window open in this freezing weather, spraying room spray constantly, eating junk, staying in his room for even longer than normal.
Yesterday morning he left for school and I went into his room and something told me to look at his ipad
Strangely he had left it unlocked and I looked in to his Facebook messages and was absolutely horrified by what I saw
He had spent the weekend with his half brother and they had been using weed, coke, ketamine, ecstasy and xanax.
He has been ordering drugs online and they are delivered to a friend of his down south.
We knew he was smoking weed and my other half had told him to stop because of what happened to his brother.
We also have a 3 and half year old, my first and only child. She has such a happy life, I'm training to become a teaching assistant, I work as well and we have a lovely life.
I spoke to the police and they have now arranged to meet with him and his parents to figure out where this has come from
Although my other half is also dealing with this as well, I'm feeling so alone. The reason I rang the police was purely because I felt a stern talking to wouldn't be enough
The drugs he has been ordering and using are class a and b and he is mixing them.
Does anyone have any advice, opinions etc as I'm feeling like I made the wrong choice going to the police even if I think it was the right one.
Thanks

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 21/01/2020 20:35

I honestly don’t know the right answer but I strongly feel that secrecy is the wrong thing and exposure is good. My DS is 15, he seems into drugs in a big way, they seem so accessible now with the internet. He has been caught out at school and the police are now involved, I am glad about this. Still don’t have the answer but I am sure that keeping it secrecy and giving lots of last chances is no good.

Fleetheart · 21/01/2020 20:37

We have also got targeted youth support involved and the drugs people. So he is on no doubt he is going down the wrong path. Not sure if it stopping him though, these teens think that they know best about everything and drugs just seem so available now.

strongmamas · 21/01/2020 21:12

Today I found weed & cigarettes in my 13 year old daughter bedroom I was completely shocked. She has learning needs & is vulnerable, low self esteem, etc. A boy bought the weed & she of course was looking after it! I’ve had conversations today about the seriousness & risk of illegal drugs & they they can progress into stronger drugs and so forth. She says so many are taking them etc etc & honestly doesn’t understand how risky & dangerous this is. She admitted smoking the weed on a few occasions (& I thanked her for being honest) but not sure if it’s only been a few occasions! so now I don’t know what to do, she spends a lot of time with this boy as she doesn’t have a lot of friends. I’ve told her no drugs in our home & she must return them to the boy. I’ve put it in a safe place for now. Do I just tell her I don’t want her smoking etc & reiterate the risks & consequences etc. & hope for the best?? do I tell the boys parents even though she’s begged me not to. This is unknown territory for me???

KellyHall · 21/01/2020 21:25

Experimenting is an extension of the boundary testing children do. I agree openness is definitely the best approach.

Did you experiment with any substances when you were younger? Sometimes sharing your own experiences can make your children open up.

It's so difficult. As adults we've learnt that drug: don't solve anything; only make you feel crap in the long run; are a waste of time and money. But all of life is an ongoing adventure of discovering new things for youngsters.

I prefer the educate and let them make their own decisions tactic. By educate, I don't mean tell them a bunch of horror stories to try and scare them - that doesn't work, they've already had positive experiences of drugs so they'll write off a purely horror stories approach as bull shit.

Be open, be honest, be approachable.

Original poster
HollyJenni · 22/01/2020 11:23

For me personally, I was educated about drugs by school and had a great relationship with mum and dad and I respected them always.
I have never smoked or done drugs so this has all come as a big shock.
He seems to think what he has done isn't an issue at all and I keep hearing that drugs are everywhere but surely that shouldn't be the case.
He has literally ordered drugs off the Internet and had them delivered via royal mail tracked. There are grown men or women who are knowingly selling drugs to young children.
It's absolutely terrifying. I do feel schools should be given the power to do more. I would guess my step son has been taking drugs in to school as well which makes me feel sick

OP posts:
strongmamas · 22/01/2020 20:15

The drugs are everywhere & being sold in schools. My daughter told me today that kids give a boy in school (not her school) money & he goes to the dealer to buy the weed for the kids. They also use their school dinner money to buy the drugs. I would believe this happens in most if not all schools. My daughter was trying to justify the weed that her & the boy smoked by saying its better quality not like the weed that others in her school buy. The knowledge shocks me, it’s very frightening what’s out there.

lisylisylou · 23/01/2020 04:39

Being honest, I got into this same kind of lifestyle when I was a teenager. I truly understand being 40 years old now how much I put my family through - I left home when I was 16 years old. I don’t look back at my teenage years and think they were happy. I remember just feeling really lost, down and very low on self confidence before I got into that lifestyle and feeling this really big urgent need for my family just to be there for me but they weren’t really around at the time.

I don’t know if my personal experience helps but I truly hope so

endofthelinefinally · 23/01/2020 05:02

If you google drugfam you might get some helpful advice.
I wish I had the answers.
I learned too little too late.

Original poster
HollyJenni · 23/01/2020 07:13

I get that drugs are around and so easy to get (I don't understand why this isn't being cracked down on) but what makes a child turn to drugs?
That is both of the step kids now. I mean they have lived in two homes since they were around 9 and 10 but never wanted for anything, both struggle socially as in you don't get much of a chat out of them etc

OP posts:
ReallyLilyReally · 23/01/2020 17:59

Children turn to drugs because they're fundamentally dumb and they think they know better than everyone else. They think nothing bad will happen to them and that parents and teachers are exaggerating to stop them having fun.

ReallyLilyReally · 23/01/2020 18:00

Oh and cos they're bored.

Fleetheart · 23/01/2020 19:08

Also because they are self medicating; getting out of it allows you to forget problems

BobbyBlueCat · 23/01/2020 19:16

Well done on being proactive, OP and not letting this be swept under the carpet.

Every kid has different reasons for doing drugs so it's hard to say what is the correct way of dealing with if as it would be pure speculation.

But.
I would make it very, very clear that there is zero tolerance in your home. Of any drug. And give a clear explanation of what the punishment will be should this be not adhered to. Make sure the punishment is something you can stick to though. Giving a punishment like he'll be banned from your home for life is clearly not going to happen and he'll know that and not have any reason to comply. So discuss a suitable one with your husband.
Make sure he also realises that you will continue phoning the police each and every time he find out something.
And protect your little one.

Original poster
HollyJenni · 24/01/2020 08:39

Thanks Bobby Blue cat, I think I would be OK with him coming back at some point but I think we would have to check his room etc
He seemed so proud of the fact he hid stuff in his shoes.
My little girl is very unaware of what's going on and we aren't staying at home tomorrow when the police are visiting

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 24/01/2020 08:48

I think part of the problem is that back in the day smoking and drinking under age were the main acts of rebellion. As they are both legal substances it is easy to regulate them and ban sales to underage children.

It is often easier to obtain illegal drugs these days than to buy cigarettes and alcohol.

Hepsibar · 24/01/2020 09:29

It's endemic. He prob thinks can make some money easily doing this and thinks he is "cool" (whatever the word is today).

What he is not thinking of is a police record that will restrict his opportunity to have a good career and from certain areas of work altogether. Can anyone talk to him who he would listen to? Can he be shown what the future holds if continues on this path eg what it's actually like being trapped.

My son described a bright, well behaved boy the other day "He's one of those religious ones that also takes drugs."

Original poster
HollyJenni · 25/01/2020 22:47

So the police have decided they have done all they need to do and that if anything else crops up to let them know.
My OH and the stepson and mum had a chat today. Don't know the ins and outs because I was at work.
Grt a text saying he asked to stay at ours tonight and my OH let him
I got in from work just after 10 and he is in his room on his xbox on chat talking about how juice world died and asking his mate if he has done oxy etc.
I am literally fuming. I feel like leaving honestly. I have my little girl, two cats and no money.
He doesn't care about his actions clearly and I am beyond annoyed

OP posts:
Happymum12345 · 25/01/2020 23:10

I found out my 15 was doing drugs last year and called the help line Frank & they recommended that I didn't tell the police or school, so I didn't. A good 6/7 months later, he was found with MDMA at school and they called the police. To be honest, it seems to have been a good thing because he had to have counselling from a drugs councillor & support from school, which has been good.
I'm also pleased that it wasn't me that called the police because then he would have blamed me and lost the trust.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, we're all trying to do our best as parents.

QforCucumber · 25/01/2020 23:18

what makes a child turn to drugs? for us in college it was cheaper to buy a couple of ecstacy pills for a night out than pay for drink. Nothing specifically 'made' you turn to them, it was just what people did. This was 15 years ago and from my knowledge of what happens now weed is easier for kids to get hold of than pretending to be 16 to buy 20 cigarettes with your lunch money or asking your mates brother to get you a few cans of cider. The increase in alcohol prices and regulation of that and smoking has made drugs so much easier for kids to get hold of than cigarettes or alcohol.

Happymum12345 · 25/01/2020 23:25

I would suggest being patient & gentle with your step son. The reason came out why my son was taking drugs was because of low self esteem, depression and PTSD. All of which, I had no idea about. I have much younger children to protect too. You stepson has as much right to live where his dad does as your dd.

Original poster
HollyJenni · 26/01/2020 07:50

OK lots here to take on board.
I just feel like my step son isn't taking the seriousness of this on board. The fact he was upstairs in his room just laughing and joking on xbox live and discussing different drugs is really irritating.

OP posts:
ReallyLilyReally · 26/01/2020 08:13

Have you got him in therapy at all? What does your OH say?

Mintjulia · 26/01/2020 08:34

How does he order drugs off the internet if he isn’t old enough to have a bank card?
Where does he have them delivered to?

ReallyLilyReally · 26/01/2020 08:49

What Mint said - if you really want this to stop he needs

1, no internet (no phone, no ipad, no xbox live)
2, no money
3, therapy, possibly inpatient at rehab, definitely family

Im a little surprised you're still letting him have things like the xbox, tbh. Youve tried reason and logic and the literal police and that hasn't helped. If he's not taking it seriously, make it serious for him.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/01/2020 09:12

therapy, possibly inpatient at rehab

He would never meet the threshold for inpatient drug rehab.

I worked with a mum who was a daily user of heroin and crack cocaine and she waited three years for a place in residential rehab.