Teenager and drugs... Feeling so alone

[HollyJenni]

Good morning.
I had suspicions about my 15 year old stepson. For a little while
Last year his 17 year old brother was caught selling weed at school and was excluded as a result.
The younger stepson had been showing signs of deceit and a change of habits and appearance. Things like leaving his bedroom window open in this freezing weather, spraying room spray constantly, eating junk, staying in his room for even longer than normal.
Yesterday morning he left for school and I went into his room and something told me to look at his ipad
Strangely he had left it unlocked and I looked in to his Facebook messages and was absolutely horrified by what I saw
He had spent the weekend with his half brother and they had been using weed, coke, ketamine, ecstasy and xanax.
He has been ordering drugs online and they are delivered to a friend of his down south.
We knew he was smoking weed and my other half had told him to stop because of what happened to his brother.
We also have a 3 and half year old, my first and only child. She has such a happy life, I'm training to become a teaching assistant, I work as well and we have a lovely life.
I spoke to the police and they have now arranged to meet with him and his parents to figure out where this has come from
Although my other half is also dealing with this as well, I'm feeling so alone. The reason I rang the police was purely because I felt a stern talking to wouldn't be enough
The drugs he has been ordering and using are class a and b and he is mixing them.
Does anyone have any advice, opinions etc as I'm feeling like I made the wrong choice going to the police even if I think it was the right one.
Thanks

@FamilyOfAliens if paying for a private place is an option, I'd recommend that. But if not, outpatient therapy is still a must.

Just wondering @HollyJenni did you contact the police without your dh's knowledge or did you do it jointly ?
How did the Mum feel that the police had been contacted?

My other half didn't even realise he could chat on his xbox for a start. He is going to speak to him about that.
He has one of those young teen bank cards where the parents load money on to the card and when I spoke to the police they said that dealers can literally change the name on the account so it doesn't look dodgy in any way.
We have sent details this morning to this mum for a support group.
I don't want this to come across like I don't want him here but it just feels like everything has gone back to normal

To be honest i think you've been far to lax about all of this. You need to put your foot down here. Especially because you've got a little kid in the house. If your OH doesn't want to actually tackle this issue properly, then your SS needs to go and live somewhere else for the safety of your daughter.

if paying for a private place is an option, I'd recommend that. But if not, outpatient therapy is still a must.

Maybe the services are different where you are but here even private places would be impossible to secure for a teenager dabbling in occasional recreational use. In my area this would be considered a parenting issue first and foremost.

@familyofaliens i completely agree, i initially recommended family therapy. The inpatient suggestion was mainly just a way to help OP restrict SS's access, if that's not feasible then they need to be much, MUCH tougher on the kid. Which tbh they should have been from the very beginning.

They need to reduce his available money.

If he wants cash he needs to ask and explain what it’s for.

I’d also look at his friendship groups and schooling.

I totally agree with all of you on this.
I am banging my head against a brick wall.
I went to the police initially because after speaking to my OH I knew what would happen, he would get a slap on the wrist and that would be that. I spoke to Frank and after that I decided I had no choice what with having my little girl in the house. It literally left me with no choice but to contact them because if I didn't and he overdosed etc I would lose her and there is no way on earth I'm letting any harm come to her. If I had money I would pack everything up and move but I have to think about my daughters school nursery and my job as well. I have said to my other half he needs to speak to school etc.
Half of the reason the SS is in this mess is because he hasn't had boundaries and discipline and I am blaming myself for this as I have my little girl as my priority, plus a job, studying and a placement.
I trusted my OH and his ex to parent him and now look what situation we are in.
Yes he can have counselling but I literally don't even want to look at him right now let alone talk to him. I didn't sleep last night because I was worried what he was doing in his room.

Oh and by the way I don't want my ss here until he is going through counselling and can prove we can trust him not to bring drugs in to the house.
However, my other half said that we can't stop him being here and someone posted on here that he has every right to be here too so I'm confused over whether I'm being unreasonable or not. If my little girl wasn't involved this would be a totally different situation but as I've said, she is my priority and no one else right now

My son started smoking weed around age 14 - it started as occasional use and progressed to daily. He was extremely bright and musically gifted - he scraped through his GCSEs and completed a BTEC Higher and later dropped out of a Uni course because of extreme anxiety and paranoia.

I am a single parent with 2 younger girls who repeatedly tried to rein his use in with sanctions and serious ‘chats’.

His behaviour became increasingly aggressive (towards objects) and odd.

He is now 22 years old and on remand for an explosives offence and could be facing years in prison - He has recently undergone a psychiatric assessment and possibly had schizophrenia. He was sectioned about 12 months ago and I witnessed him having a full blown psychotic episode - it was terrifying.

It is such a waste of a bright, popular young man. Let me tell you ladies that I never thought things would end like this.

Let me also make you aware that the cannabis that are youngsters smoke these days has dangerously high levels of THC that can seriously mess with their frontal lobe development - cannabis induced psychosis is becoming more and more prevalent - prison officers I spoke to yesterday told me it is the root cause of so much crime nowadays because of the mh issues it can cause.

Speak to your kids and make them aware of this - zero tolerance does not work, neither does being too liberal.

Hi there. Giving you a fresh point of view here: when I was 14-17 I was using. My dad only found out when I was 16 because I had taken LSD and it got too much for me that I begged my friends to take me to my parents. I think the best thing you can do is encourage honesty. Maybe tell them that if they're taking drugs still you won't be angry or tell anyone else... you just want to understand why they're doing it. Once someone's started, it's hard to stop because they are, unfortunately, very fun. Obvious physical health issues are quite rare and so they take the risk.

The most important thing is that they realise that even if they think they're only taking drugs for fun, deep down there's a mental health issue because they should know that life gets all "fucky" when you take drugs and it's actually better to be happy without them.

Hope this helps. Parent how you want to parent, though. Xx

Hi, I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. My 14 year old son smokes weed. Stopped going to school and stopped football. He has anxiety which isn't helped by the weed. School are being useless as he wants to go but has had bad experiences. I have got him In to a fantastic alternative provision but having to fund it myself.
I agree that being open and able to talk about things rather than secrecy is best. My son knows I don't agree with what he does but he talks to me so I make sure those lines of communication are open.

Just another thought/point of view. Is it "just" drugs? Or are there other difficult behaviours. Could also be connected with:

ADHD?
ADD (autism)?
PDA (a branch of autism)?

Just a few examples. I think its good to see the serious and regular use of drugs as part of a whole. The young person can have other difficulties that are the main cause - even if they are sometimes "hidden". The drugs are just a symptom if you like. Though of course they often make the problem worse.

Sorry to hear Fran of your and your son's experience. Those THC levels are scary as you say in much of modern processed cannabis. I have talked to my son about the dangers (of permanent frontal lobe damage). I hope he has heard me, but is still taking it sometimes and there is only so much you can do. I get the impression that drugs of all kind are very available to young people now, and many have tried them by the end of school, even if its only a one-off.

My son is 16 year GCSE year he says most of his friends smoke weed and he has told me he wants to try when he goes to Wireless this year. His dad is in recovery from drugs20 years clean and sober and I’m a trained drug counsellor not practising. I’ve said I’m glad he’s told me and talked it through with me I’ve said he’s too young the frontal cortex damage levels of TCP and the real issue if he’s not somewhere safe ie at a festival and he or a friend has a bad experience. I’ve also sad he needs to think about it carefully as unless he can promise me he’s strong enough to resist peer pressure we are not paying £210 for the ticket - I hope this is the right stance I’m not sure